Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

Never ending saga with Ex pestering me

192 replies

TheNewKaren · 01/01/2021 17:09

A few years ago my ex partner was evicted from the family home by the court due to his abusive behaviour towards us. Subsequently he sold the family home and I am now living in a rental property with the children. The family home belonged to him, but a settlement agreement was put in place that entitled me to lump sums that he has mostly paid, with the exception of any child maintenance and rent contributions. The has never paid any of these, even though he included these payments into the contract that he drafted himself and also countersigned.

He is a company director and his earnings are not visible to the CMS, as he is taking dividends.

I can manage without his contributions and I earn a decent salary. But he is now increasingly asking for all these previously paid lump sums back, in fact he is now frequently threatening me with court proceedings to force me to repay these funds. Even though I don’t think he will be successful, his behaviour is still scary and I am getting quite worried. I don’t have the money nor the time to deal with court proceedings, but I have a feeling that he is determined to ‘get his own back’.

He is motivated by revenge and he has nothing much else to do.

I am fed up with his threats and demands for money. What can I do that this will stop?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 04/04/2021 09:39

All the letters are proof of stalking and harrassment. Don't destroy them.

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 04/04/2021 09:42

The police are telling that they cannot do anything unless he tried to for example strangle me or kill me. Unless I could prove physical violence to me, they would not be able to help. They said he could legally beat the children, if he wanted to as this is legal in the UK.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 04/04/2021 09:43

I deleted most of the texts and emails, but keeping them now.

OP posts:
Cleverpolly3 · 04/04/2021 09:44

You will get a non mol order for this and you can probably do it ex parte which is what I did. Mine is fairly wide and has a power of arrest attached too which they now do automatically I believe.

His behaviour is atrocious and there needs to be severe consequences .

Men like this have nothing but contempt for authority if it curtails them so the chances are pride will come before a fall.

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 04/04/2021 09:45

There is absolutely no point calling the police, unless he becomes violent again. Then they will arrest him and subsequently release him due to lack of evidence and lack of witnesses. As before.

OP posts:
AlohaMolly · 04/04/2021 09:46

I think you need to go back to the police and demand better, OP. I know you’re feeling attacked and overwhelmed, but I thought the police had had a big policy change about stalking? You’ve got proof.

I’m sorry, I can’t remember if you said you’ve got family nearby, or maybe a good friend? Because of the trauma he’s put you through, I think you need someone who can stand with you.

Also, there is no way it is legal for that man to beat his teenage and young adult DC. Adults in England are allowed to lightly smack their young DC, but beating, leaving marks, etc is not lightly smacking.

It sounds like your local police need a good kick up the arse too.

Cleverpolly3 · 04/04/2021 09:47

@TheNewKaren

The police are telling that they cannot do anything unless he tried to for example strangle me or kill me. Unless I could prove physical violence to me, they would not be able to help. They said he could legally beat the children, if he wanted to as this is legal in the UK.
This is nonsense and lazy policing They absolutely can do something about him harassing and stalking or intimidating you. Also an assault can be committed even without physical harm. Smacking might not be illegal but beating is a different matter.

It is a struggle as I know but you have to persist. Seek a civil injunction first off and once that’s served in him the police also get a copy which gives them a different reach over his behaviour.

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 04/04/2021 09:47

DD prefers the French police. When he attacked us in France, following us on a holiday, they quickly dealt with him and kept him in jail for longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 04/04/2021 09:50

That’s correct - threatening with the police make him laugh, always have made him laugh. He does not care and he knows he can win them over with his man-of-the-world facade and calling me a silly woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 04/04/2021 09:57

The police truly don’t care. They would only pursue him after the event. While he has not committed a criminal offence, they don’t get involved. I asked them, what if I was a stranger, would they not interfere. They said, because he is my ex partner, it’s classed as domestic and therefore not the same thing. I told them, he’s not my partner, he’s not my husband. He is telling them, he is my partner or my husband and this is why he is getting away with it. He even told the landlord that he was my husband.

OP posts:
Sidewalksue · 04/04/2021 09:59

When you move do you have to tell him your new address? Can he meet children (if they want to meet him at all) at a neutral location.

iloverock · 04/04/2021 10:00

I think you need to escalate this with the police. Complain and complain again. Get it moved up the ranks.
Get a non molestation order that he cannot contact you or come to the address. The police will have to do something if there is an order in place
Do not pay him anything back. He sounds like a complete nutter. The courts will not entertain this.

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 04/04/2021 10:02

He also threatens to contact my employer and tell them to fire me. I know that they wouldn’t, but can you imagine the embarrassment!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 04/04/2021 10:06

The only way we would feel safe is if he could not send any letters, was not allowed to ever contact us again and we would not ever have to see him again. Including the children. We would have to go where he could not find us and where he would not be able to go. But that place does not exist.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/04/2021 10:07

Ring the national domestic violence helpline and ask for their help to get a non-molestation order. Have you done this yet?

Put it in writing to your local police that your ex is harassing, stalking and threatening both you and his DC and their refusal to deal with him is not acceptable and that you are all terrified that he will commit family annihilation. Copy in your local MP. Keep everything with the police in writing, insist that it is escalated and reviewed.

If someone turns up at your door and refuses to leave you dial 999. My stalker is here, we are terrified etc. If they refuse to come you make a complaint in writing.

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 04/04/2021 10:08

DD thinks staying and cooperating is the least dangerous option for us. She thinks we should do this and distract him from going after her brother so he can get away.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 04/04/2021 10:10

RandomMess is right.

RandomMess · 04/04/2021 10:10

At the moment you and DD are frozen in appeasing him but you no rationally it will make no difference.

The way to deal with him is using the laws that do exist.

Have you applied for a non-molestation order yet?

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 04/04/2021 10:11

She is terrified he will come and find her, if she refuses to see him. She thinks he will find us anywhere and I would just worry all the time and look over my shoulder, jump at every sound and get scared when Mail comes through the door.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 04/04/2021 10:13

He does not care about a non molestation order. I have done this before. We had one in place including the children. It made no difference. He was threatening us via my lawyer and they sent me the letters.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 04/04/2021 10:13

She needs to talk to WA herself. She could be entitled to legal aid.

Nith · 04/04/2021 10:14

@TheNewKaren

He said he would only leave me alone if I gave him money. I could pay voluntarily or he would continue to make my line hell.
That's a threat amounting to a criminal offence. If you've got it on record, go to the police.
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 04/04/2021 10:15

Afterwards his lawyers sent his letters and called me on his behalf. Or his family. Then he threatened my family.

OP posts:
Nith · 04/04/2021 10:16

@TheNewKaren

He does not care about a non molestation order. I have done this before. We had one in place including the children. It made no difference. He was threatening us via my lawyer and they sent me the letters.
Did you take steps to enforce the order?
AlohaMolly · 04/04/2021 10:16

My mothers non mol came with an arrest order attached.

You’re in a spiral of panic now OP, which is exactly what he wants, and completely understandable. You need to do something as soon as you can to start making yourself and DD feel a bit more in control.

Do you have a ring doorbell?

Swipe left for the next trending thread