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Original poster

Paternity test, mother refusing and being difficult

117 replies

Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 21:40

So I'll be brief ish..

11 years ago I broke up with my partner as she cheated, cut contact 100% but found out a few months after that she was pregnant, she refused to answer the door and shortly moved.

Fast forward been searching on and off for years as I never knew and wanted to know, I finally found her on social media using a new Facebook account because...she had actively searched my newest account which is under a year old and blocked it... she was also using a different surname until she got married and now uses his name.

Theres no photos of the child on her Facebook which is locked down big time same as the rest of her family... I know the child exists though.

I messaged her asking for an answer to which she said it's her husbands who she didnt meet until over a year after we split up.... I asked to see proof of it and she said she doesnt know where it is then blocked me... she then changed her name completely to something so different like shes hiding from me...

The relationship was never bad and she isnt hiding from me for her safety it just feels like she doesnt want me to know that it may well be mine and just wants her happy family with her husband...

What can I do about this? I can already tell she wont agree to another test that I can see evidence of... shes not asked for any csa and clearly doesnt want me involved... theres no solid proof to say he is mine but dates and her actions sound suspect.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 22:21

If I knew what I could do I wouldnt be asking here what I could do would I...forget it...

OP posts:
KatieRobin · 26/12/2019 22:22

The truth will always come out ... one day .... somehow. From the child’s perspective, if parentage is in question and it comes out one day that the person they thought was their father is not biologically their father ... then they may well be interested to know that their biological father did make an attempt at contact. Just looking at it from another angle ...

Lulualla · 26/12/2019 22:22

Did you never search the electoral role and check out the addresses/phone numbers of each person with her name and age?

Solicitors arent always astronomical. Did you even go on and see one to find out option? What did you actually do over the last 11 years?

pumpkinpie01 · 26/12/2019 22:22

@Hahadumball I think you should do everything you can in your power to find out the truth, the child has a right to the truth . How many of us know children that are being brought up thinking their dad is their biological father and they aren't ? I can think of 2 of the top of my head , the truth is highly likely to come out one day. Have you actually contacted a private detective and discussed costs ? You may be surprised it may not be as expensive as you think .

Magpies2forJoy · 26/12/2019 22:23

Why would she go to such lengths to move away from you if she didnt meet a husband until a year later?

I

Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 22:24

Unless she wants everyone to think shes got a happy family and doesnt want someone coming between that...her brothers girlfriend wouldnt have helped me it was that bad and she would have agreed to a test just to prove it isnt mine like she claims to keep me away... she didnt move to avoid me she moved with her mum as she lived with her and her mum was moving...the rest after was clearly to hide the truth...her events would be the same.

OP posts:
Happiedays · 26/12/2019 22:24

Don't really get the way this thread has gone, wouldn't it be better for the truth to come out now instead of years in the future. I would want to know. I can imagine someone desperately trying to hide this as it fits their ideal of a perfect family, but surely if this is true and not a troll, the truth will come out eventually given the fact people keep finding out about these things with home ancestory kits

Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 22:25

Yes I searched the electoral role, it gave me her old address where I knew her as she got married a few years ago, her mum also got remarried and used a new surname which I didnt know so I was searching the old names...

OP posts:
Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 22:27

I didnt go through with a solicitor because I didnt want to cause drama, as I said in the message i sent her that she happily replied to, I dont want to cause drama and make a huge deal out of it dragging her through court I just wanted to know the truth and go from there... the last thing I wanted to do was make it all messy

OP posts:
justasking111 · 26/12/2019 22:27

There may be a good reason the family went underground that has absolutely nothing to do with you or the child. When the child is 18 they can find you if they wish.

Lulualla · 26/12/2019 22:28

But you're not answering anything.

If I thought you genuinely wanted to be a father to that child then I would be all for you. But what have you done the last 11 years?

Did you have a free consultation with a solicitor? Did you speak to any private investigators to find out cost of locating an address? Did you check the electoral role and find her yourself? You could then have had a solicitor do some very basic work. What have you actually done other than occasionally search social media?

It doesnt seem like you were actually all that bothered, which is why I'm saying to stay away

QueenofPain · 26/12/2019 22:28

Her brothers girlfriend sounds naive, potentially dangerously so.

How do you even know her brothers girlfriend?

Chocolateandchats · 26/12/2019 22:29

Unless you are questioning the safety of this child, which you haven’t said anything to suggest, leave well alone.
You have no idea what that child knows but they clearly have a life and family together. Even if he is biologically yours, let him have his time and contact you himself as an adult if he chooses. Do not rock his, and other family members world which could be pretty good.

Lulualla · 26/12/2019 22:29

But it was messy. It was you chasing her around and her hiding. You weren't getting the truth. You weren't getting to be a dad. It was a mess.

You just couldn't be arsed to do any actual work or spend any actual money.

Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 22:29

Cant attach photos here otherwise I'd show the chat between us, this certainly isnt a troll

OP posts:
Afrigginggoat · 26/12/2019 22:31

If you can't afford an investigator how will you support your child and pay back dated support for the last 11 years.

Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 22:32

It's like you ignore what I've said completely... I did try... I'm 28 sorry for not being full of knowledge on what to do to find a child and have thousands to hand out to find someone when I didnt even know if anything could be done if she was found.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 22:33

I couldnt afford one...I've been in a really well paid job for the past year which is why I started looking again. But assumptions sure... I'm popping out this thread now because I may as well be someone who doesnt want to know their child pretty much treated the same.

OP posts:
TheWildRumpyPumpus · 26/12/2019 22:33

Every child has a right to know who their biological parents are - I say that as an adoptee.

Yes you could have done more to start this process sooner but you can do something about it now.

Chocolateandchats · 26/12/2019 22:34

@Happiedays the child could know though. My DD knows my DH isn’t her biological parent but he adopted her when she chose and she hates people knowing they aren’t biologically linked so not even her younger sibling knows. She has no interest or intention of finding my ex and adores the dad she’s got. How do we know this child isn’t in a similar situation?

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/12/2019 22:35

Best interest of the child is to know who their biological father is.
Firstly, to get medical history information. Many cancers and diseases run along genetic lines.
Secondly, the child has a right to choose whether or not to have a relationship with a bio parent or not. One parent doesn’t get to choose that for their child unless the bio parent in question is Hannibal lector and in prison for life.

Haworthia · 26/12/2019 22:36

You asked, she's told you you are not the father. The child doesn't need you. The only person who gains here is you, possibly having the satisfaction of knowing a child you've never supported or nurtured is yours. Don't be that person. Leave them alone.

This.

Stop harassing this woman.

Lulualla · 26/12/2019 22:36

I've asked a few times now.

Did you go and see a solicitor? They used to do free initial consultations. You could have seen one to find out your options, did you?
Did you even get assessed for legal aid? If you were desperate then you would have af least been assessed incase you got any help.
I knew about the electoral role from teenage years. Did you search it?

QueenofPain · 26/12/2019 22:38

No, we are all reading what you’re saying but you haven’t given any credible acknowledgement as to how you think this might impact on this child at this stage in their life?

You only seem to care about you and your wants, which is not a good indication of the emotional maturity needed to deal with something this delicate.

You say you only knew her name and DOB, but actually, you have somehow had contact with her brothers current girlfriend, and have stalked her families social media too. So you have known far more than you’re letting on, and could probably have taken greater steps than you have done thus far.

So back to the question everyone’s lips...why now? What makes this a good time to upset this child’s life?

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/12/2019 22:41

You have no idea what that child knows but they clearly have a life and family together. Even if he is biologically yours, let him have his time and contact you himself as an adult if he chooses. Do not rock his, and other family members world which could be pretty good.

Or the kids life could be like Harry Potter, you know the part where he was living under the stairs and lived like Cinderella. We can’t say what the kids current family life is like because we have no clue.

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