Paternity test, mother refusing and being difficult

[Hahadumball]

So I'll be brief ish..

11 years ago I broke up with my partner as she cheated, cut contact 100% but found out a few months after that she was pregnant, she refused to answer the door and shortly moved.

Fast forward been searching on and off for years as I never knew and wanted to know, I finally found her on social media using a new Facebook account because...she had actively searched my newest account which is under a year old and blocked it... she was also using a different surname until she got married and now uses his name.

Theres no photos of the child on her Facebook which is locked down big time same as the rest of her family... I know the child exists though.

I messaged her asking for an answer to which she said it's her husbands who she didnt meet until over a year after we split up.... I asked to see proof of it and she said she doesnt know where it is then blocked me... she then changed her name completely to something so different like shes hiding from me...

The relationship was never bad and she isnt hiding from me for her safety it just feels like she doesnt want me to know that it may well be mine and just wants her happy family with her husband...

What can I do about this? I can already tell she wont agree to another test that I can see evidence of... shes not asked for any csa and clearly doesnt want me involved... theres no solid proof to say he is mine but dates and her actions sound suspect.

Well you certainly didn't hesitate in being rude to a poster who stated the obvious, that being we only have your side of the story.

To be fair, women only extricate themselves completely from people who are generally no good for them, or toxic.

@Dontdisturbmenow he does have rights, he just hasn't enacted them.

Except, as it stands her doesn't have rights, because he has been told he isn't the father. So talk of rights is a moo point at this time.

I can't help thinking that he feels he has something to gain by pursuing her.

Op, have you opened a savings plan for this child you are convinced is yours? I mean, if you are SO sure, and you can't pay CM, surely you have been putting something aside all this time?

The solicitor is absolutely not a non issue yappity. Its been explained already in the thread that there are ways to trace people. Family solicitors do this. It may not have worked but the point is that it can be attempted.

And where do you get the idea it's unlikely this case would come to court? You're giving the OP poor advice saying all he can do is keep researching and send a letter.

As a child who grew up thinking someone else was my father till I was about 8 I think you are doing the right thing trying to find your son.

I spent most of my teens trying to find my dad behind my mums back. I resented her hugely for not helping me find him once I knew. I only found out my 'dad' wasn't my father a few years after my mum divorced as he was fed up of paying child support for me so hia fix was to tell me he wasn't my dad anyway.

Children deserve to know who their biological parents are. It was hard finding out age 8, but had I been older I think that would have been worse, I feel like a lot of my childhood was a lie and I struggle with the fact that so many people in my family kept that lie up.

That being said, I was very disappointed when age 20 I found my dad. We have no relationship now, he never bothered to look for me other than contacting a family member to ask for info he never followed up on, too busy with his new family. I hate him for that (although it isn't the only reason I have no contact now, he just isn't someone I want or need in my life).

Be prepared that if the child is yours he may decide to have nothing to do with you. You probably could have tried a lot harder to find him and he will know that especially as he gets older.

You need to use the proper channels- family solicitors/lawyers.

Don't try and insert yourself into the family any other way especially if he may not even be yours. If done properly then the child never even needs to know anything till paternity reaults come back. At that point you need to be totally guided by what the child wants (and you might not like it).

Quite possibly as other posters have said, you are doing this for selfish reasons, but I have first hand experience of something similar so based on that I still think it is something that should be followed through and for the child to call the shots once paternity is known.

@differentnameforthis, can't you for one second understand what it might be like to think you might have a child but be denied the opportunity to find out?

We're not talking about right to the child, of course he doesn't why would he at this point, but he has a right to find out if the child is his.

To be fair, women only extricate themselves completely from people who are generally no good for them, or toxic

What a biased statement!

Ultimately, the OP is going to get nowhere on this thread just as he has got nowhere in the last 11 years. If the mother doesn't wish to cooperate and you decide you want to pursue parental responsibility and contact, either see a solicitor with a view to obtaining a court order or do nothing. That's the answer.

You have every right to know if the child is yours. What selfish mother has the right to not tell you. I would search until the truth is told. Its the mothers problem if she is hiding the truth from her child.

Keep going don't give up until you find out the truth.

Unsure what lula has been through but clearly as a Male I'm getting the brunt of it.

My guess is she hid so well because she got a ew boyfriend who she later married and is now living her perfect life and doesnt want anyone coming between that, now...she lives around 20 minutes from me, that's not that far to move away from someone abusive is it.... had I been abusive to the point shes had to move her entire life there would have been police involvement for sure... so I wouldnt be casually contacting her on Facebook, the way she responded shows no sign of fear or wanting to run away, her response to my message and her behaviour tells me she knows the truth and hes mine or she has no idea and wants me to think it's not mine so I dont push for answers.

Growing up I had no idea what I could do, what rights I had and as far as I was aware all I had was asking her for a DNA test...I did try with what I knew back then when I didnt have a clue... I even emailed Jeremy Kyle!

This isnt a case if not wanting to do enough it was not quite knowing how to go about it.

Now lula, response to your same digs because to be honest it's none of your business but I spent 3 years off work until last year because I was in an abusive relationship and when I finally left she hit me with her car breaking my back and putting me in hospital in a bad way, so dont throw that abusive crap at me like all men are pigs.

You have a huge chip on your shoulder and it's honestly saddening to believe people like you exist.

I gave her the option to be civil, I asked her for proof in a polite way, I told her I dont want drama and dont want to take it to court I just wanted an answer.

She found out she was pregnant around 2 weeks after we broke up from our 6 month relationship (omg you vile man why didnt you use protection, beat you to it) she lived with her mum and they were moving house anyway which I was aware they intended to when me and her were together so the moving wasnt to move away from me it was just moving in general but I just wasnt told where because what reason did I have to be told we broke up.

I'm sure you'll hit back with the same "you didnt do enough"

And yet, it is a logical statement @Dontdisturbmenow

Who really squares up for 100% of the responsibility, 100% of the financial sacrifice, or even, a never ending court battle with their x

There is a lot of societal pressure to allow abusive fathers to take their kids regardless of their abuse to mother. It is a battle i didnt have the energy for (keeping x out of DC's lives). I was abused for years but as i didnt call the police it was like it didnt happen.

So if a mother sees that battle through i cannot believe it is for her convenience.

Each to their own opinion of course. It happens occasionally that a mother disappears even if the father is a good guy but it's rare.

Hahadumball - Read the post from Collaborate which correctly outlines your options. Ignore the posters treating this as AIBU.

@Dontdisturbmenow What a biased statement!

Biased, how? Unless you are picking at the "women" part of things. In my experience it IS mainly women who do this.

I extricated myself from someone who is toxic, she is female. So I am not biased towards males.

I think I was clear in my reasoning for saying it too, he has pursued her for 11 yrs. Asked an ex about her, asked her brother's gf about her. She spoke to him, she denied it. Yet op thinks he knows more and better than she does.

Op is so sure he is this child's father, yet hasn't answered if he has been putting a little bit aside for "his" child all the time he has been looking for them...

In my experience it IS mainly women who do this
Exactly , in your experience. This doesn't mean all and therefore didn't justify assuming it ideas the case here too. As it is, OP have said that he was abused by a partner himself.

OP, you don't need to justify yourself. You have now been told how to go about getting an answer. If you are trully commited to finding out, you know now what you need to do.

You’re getting slammed because you’re a man OP. I suggest leaving the thread. Mumsnet are never kind to men

Growing up I had no idea what I could do, what rights I had and as far as I was aware all I had was asking her for a DNA test...I did try with what I knew back then when I didnt have a clue... I even emailed Jeremy Kyle!

This isnt a case if not wanting to do enough it was not quite knowing how to go about it.

The reality is that you have phoned one solicitor for a quote in 11 years. And you've had money for at least the last 1 of them. Hell, a quick thread on here at some point would've given you the information about solicitors and them potentially contacting people. You were content to assume, you could've done more and you haven't. This is an issue that might very well be raised, not least by the lad at some point if he is actually your son.

And when it comes down to it, you clearly need to see a solicitor if you are going to pursue this. A few firms will be open on Monday and Tuesday but you may have to wait until Friday. If you do actually want to find out if this child is yours, that is the way to do it.

The child has a right to know who their biological father is. But it is the right of the child, not what you believe you are entitled to op. I don't mean this unkindly but you have found some of the responses on this thread difficult to take and this is nothing to the can of worms you will open in real life.

This thread has gone the way of AIBU, rather than legal. Concentrate on the responses from Collaborate et al. But bear in mind the emotional responses from other posters because that is real life.

This can turn the families world upside down. Have you thought about what you would do if you were not the father after taking legal action? You do not have a relationship with the child at all do you. What about the effect upon the child finding that all they believed in is not true?Focus on the right thing here rather than your own needs.

This doesn't mean all Would you like to show me where I said ALL women do this? Because you can't, because I didn't.

I said it could be the case here, as she spoke to him, and then made herself non-contactable by him.

This lady doesn't want to speak to this man. That in itself speaks volumes to me.

@Hahadumball

I assume you mean me when you say Lula. What are you going on about when you say I accused you of being abusive? I never mentioned abuse?

You're 28. You haven't been a child for a long time. And you honestly think saying "I didn't know what I could do" is an explanation? You could have found out quite a lot of your options from the internet and self represented.

You keep saying you dont want to make it all difficult by going to court but after all these years have you not accepted that that is your only option? She says the kid isn't yours. She isn't going to back down and change her mind because you harass her on social media. And that's what it will become. Even if you are correct and the child is yours, if you continue to contact her after being told to stop them she could report the harassment.

It will not get you what you want. Are you going to spend the next 11 years doing the same thing over and over? Or do you actually want to know the truth? If you want to know then you're going to have to go the legal route. You've been given advice on that but dont seem to want to take it. You say you've been earning a good wage for a year but still dont want to pay a solicitor or pay someone to fund her address (which costs less than £200).

It seems like you didn't do enough research on your own during the last 11 years. You didn't pay out the relatively small sum it would have taken to get her address found. And you didn't take legal action.
Its not 11 years down the line, you still dont have your answer but you still wont take any action. So what advice do you want?

You've been told how to get a paternity test so go down the legal route for it or leave her alone because you wont get what you want by just asking repeatedly.