Paternity test, mother refusing and being difficult

[Hahadumball]

So I'll be brief ish..

11 years ago I broke up with my partner as she cheated, cut contact 100% but found out a few months after that she was pregnant, she refused to answer the door and shortly moved.

Fast forward been searching on and off for years as I never knew and wanted to know, I finally found her on social media using a new Facebook account because...she had actively searched my newest account which is under a year old and blocked it... she was also using a different surname until she got married and now uses his name.

Theres no photos of the child on her Facebook which is locked down big time same as the rest of her family... I know the child exists though.

I messaged her asking for an answer to which she said it's her husbands who she didnt meet until over a year after we split up.... I asked to see proof of it and she said she doesnt know where it is then blocked me... she then changed her name completely to something so different like shes hiding from me...

The relationship was never bad and she isnt hiding from me for her safety it just feels like she doesnt want me to know that it may well be mine and just wants her happy family with her husband...

What can I do about this? I can already tell she wont agree to another test that I can see evidence of... shes not asked for any csa and clearly doesnt want me involved... theres no solid proof to say he is mine but dates and her actions sound suspect.

@Chocolateandchats true and you raise a valid point... But how do we know this is the case. My husband knows who his biological dad is and actively cut him out, but it was his choice. We don't know if this is the case...

Your ex may not know who her DC's father is herself.

Given the stepfather can't be the child's father, and everyone can see that, he or she must want to know the identity of their father.

Bunch of contrariness on here. First slating the OP for not hiring expensive solicitors and private investigators when thinking he might be a dad at age 19. Screaming he’s left it too late. He explains....and
Now they’re saying he’s too immature to make contact now, and he should wait.

OP you cannot win with many of these posters. Suggest you ignore them because everything you say, they will pick apart to tear you down.

I believe every child has the right to know their bio parents. You have some good advice about trying to get a DNA paternity test ordered through the courts. Try that now you are established in life.

Op continue your search for the truth. If it is your child then consider if it is in the best interest of them to know now or when they are a bit older. Either way the child must know at some point and be able to make the decision if he would like contact. It's the child's right. Coming from a child who wasn't given the opportunity, both of us were lied to and I found bio father too late as he had died.

Who said he was too immature now?

I was a parent at 21. Being 19/20 isn't an excuse for not knowing what to do. He says he couldn't afford a solicitor, but he didn't even go to a consolation to be assessed for legal aid and find out options. He says he couldn't afford an investigator, but he didn't even check the electoral role by himself.
My point is that if you cant be bothered to take real, tangible steps to find your child then you shouldn't be involved, and this man hasn't done anything. He's been in a well paid job for a year now... but still hasn't actually seen anyone to find out his leval options or find out about the steps he should take.

Lulu
You asked Who said too immature-
Queen of Pain at 22:38 said You only seem to care about you and your wants, which is not a good indication of the emotional maturity needed to deal with something this delicate.

Which implies that at the ripe age of 28, the OP is still not mature enough to pursue finding out if he’s a dad or not. Like you, I disagree. If you’re a parent, you become mature so you can be there for the child.

And, lulu, he did say he went to a consultation and found out he made too much for legal aid but not enough to hire a solicitor. It’s not uncommon for working class to have no access to justice due to legal aid cuts courtesy of austerity..which happened 11years ago. Right when he needed it.

He said too he wanted to come to an agreement without going through the courts and solicitors and has tried the informal, nice guy way for the last ten years. His patience has run out.

after 11 years, how much harm will your intervention do the child?

Instead, you can make yourself easily traceable, in case the child wants to find you when he/she reaches 18. Otherwise leave well alone.

Lula feel free to scroll back and read the part I said twice! That I searched the electoral role but skip that part...and I did contact a solicitor but when they spoke about fees and such I couldnt proceed. No I didnt go to a private investigator... because I knew I couldnt afford it, maybe stop assuming someones financial situation because living alone paying rent at that age isnt easy at all, and again "why now" its been absolute years me trying to find her with minimal impact on her and her family.... the child deserves to know as do I, you say I've done nothing okay...imagine it she was here "my childs dad doesnt want to see his child" I bet I'd soon be ridiculed by people like you. Honestly I'm not entertaining this thread anymore, lula needs to try her head out her own arse and stop making assumptions and not actually reading the replies i send. So go ahead read back to where I said I had her name and dob...she was going by a different name that I didnt know, I never would have found her using that just like I didnt.

My point is that if you cant be bothered to take real, tangible steps to find your child then you shouldn't be involved, and this man hasn't done anything.

This is not true. First, better late than never. If a woman gave up a baby for adoption and then ten years later wanted to find her child abuse than the thought of it had been eating her up inside, I wouldn’t say no way, you haven’t done anything you shouldn’t even try. Same applies to a young man who only suspects he might be a father wondering for years is he a father? Or not a father? And deciding later, I DO want to know for sure if this child is my offspring or not.
Second, he didn’t do nothing, he has tried by finding her and contacting her through social networks. He’s done his own detective work and has tried to discuss it with the mother face to face. That shows sympathy compared to a solicitor letter and court order for DNA being delivered by post out of the blue.

Wow. You're getting some kicking here OP. Think others are projecting their crappy experiences onto you.

Not for anyone to stop a parent connecting with their child.

Think you need legal advice on what to do next.

Good luck and ignore the vipers.

You said you didn't get a solicitor because of the drama. So finding the kid wasnt more important than avoiding drama.

@PlanDeRaccordement
If a woman gives up a child for adoption and then decides they want contact 10 years later then theyd be getting told no. It's not for them to demand access or track down the adoptive parents and child. They gave up that right, and they dont get to march back in. It's up to the child if they want to find the birth parents, not the other way around. After 30/40 years when the child is an adult then maybe, but she cant turn up at the adoptive parents and expect contact with a child she gave up and someone else is raising.

@lulaualla I would hope a women goes through a hell of a lot more support options before they give up a child with no further contact, before a father who may or may not be the father does.

@Happiedays
Well yes, but someone else is the one comparing them, and saying that if the woman wanted to find the child 10 years later, she should be allowed too.

If you carry on with this search, you are going to wreck this child's life. Everything he has always known, his family, the person who he calls dad. If she had wanted you to know, she would have told you. If you have any real feelings for this child then put them first & don't destroy their life as they know it, stop trying to contact her & leave well alone. Chances are there will already be a name on his birth certificate & by opening this can of worms you could badly damage a child's life. Being a dad isn't just being there at conception, it is being there for the sleepless nights, the nappies & night feeds, when the child is ill. She could have easily pushed for maintenance & child support but she didn't, she never asked for anything, this child still may not be yours anyway & it isn't fair for you to think that you can walk in after 11 years because you think this child may be yours & destroy this child's family life as they know it.

As the child in this scenario that had never found her real dad I say plug on. My dad would have been a similar age to you, my mum found out she was pregnant and didn't tell him. I had my 'dad' but you know what - is not the same as knowing where you come from. I have an entire family somewhere that i don't know and it's painful. My mum had stated to help me look but she remembers few details and we aren't well off so finding it near impossible.

I think my mum took the attitude many of you have which is the child had a substitute dad but frankly you aren't in the child's position so you have no clue.

I wonder why you have chosen to post on a forum used mainly by women to describe how you have potentially stalked your ex and her wider family when she has clearly gone to considerable lengths to hide from you?

OP I know I couldn’t let there be a child of mine out there and ‘let it go’. If it is your child then she has done an awful thing to you. I’m sure lots of women would like to erase the man that fathered their child. I know I’d want to if I wasn’t actually with it in love with the man so that I could continue my life without another adult attacked to me. But it’s wrong.

Take the legal route to find out for sure. I’d not be able to let this go either.

...with or in love...
Attacked= attached

You were 16 when she got pregnant? Was she the same age as you?

Surely she was living with her parents back then?

And she got married within a year ?

@Dontknownow86

My kids have a completely uninterested, useless dad. He wouldn't have anything to do with them if his parents hadn't forced him. I have 2 years of solicitors letter showing me asking "when do you want to see the kids" and him replying "I will see them when you cancel your case with CMS, agree to no set times or days and allow me to see them whenever I message to say I'm available, and when you agree to do all the transport" etc. If I offer 50/50, he wants them once a month. If I offer once a month, he then wants them 50/50. The kids are available to him, but there is always a demand from him or a condition or an excuse. But he's told everyone that I stopped him. I have an email from him where he refused to see our son around his 1st birthday because he didn't see the point. I then have a fb message from his girlfriend telling me that he sat in the staff room at working crying on my son's first birthday because I had refused hil access.
He only sees them now, after 5 years of no contact, because his parents started it up. But according to him, he has been trying to see them but had no way to contact me (I have the same email, phone and social media as I had 10 years ago), or because he didn't know where I lived (havnt moved house).
The kids would be better without him around. He just doesnt care about them.

If the dad simply doesnt care enough to sort things out then the kids are better off without him.

Its painful for you because you dont have him. Its painful for my kids because they do have him and they hate every minute. I get tears and tantrums every morning when they've got to go see him.

This guy really hasn't done anything to find the kid; he knew more than he let on in the OP and has a flimsy excuse for all failed attempts. The woman is hiding from him. There are 2 sides to every story, we only get his and it already doesnt look great.

I just dont think it's good for a kid to have someone walk in after 11 years if that someone isn't totally committed.

Sorry you're getting such a kicking here op, I agree with the pp who said that some posters are projecting their own crappy experiences on you. Fwiw I think that you have a right to know, once and for all.

You need legal advice to see what is possible regarding payernity testing.
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.I'm entitled to know and have contact if I want to,*

You are not entitled to contact. Only the child has a right to contact. At age 10 or 11, if he doesn't want contact then a judge probably won't force contact. That is even if you get to a judge before he is 12. At 12 the chilf certainly gets to decide if and when he wants to see you. No one can force him. Just warning you before you get your hopes up.

I was the child in a similar situation. I was told at ten years old the man I thought was my dad actually wasn’t, but he was the father of my siblings.

I grew up that evening. The rest of my childhood never felt the same.

I know this is important for you to know if you have a child but please understand how this will affect their life. They may believe another man is their dad and you’re a stranger to them.

I still consider the man I grew up calling dad to be my dad and never wanted to seek out that other man.

Lulualla you are wildly projecting here. I have been looking for my dad for 13 years with no joy so I find it reasonable that op may be having the same struggles the other way round.

My mum freely admits that she didn't tell him because she couldn't be bothered to see him all the time and actually he was fine. Never made any effort when I was growing up because she didn't want to upset my stepped and I pretended that I didn't care.

He could be an utter twat for all i know, I may never want to see him again once I do find him but at least I'll know and it's my right to.