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Original poster

Paternity test, mother refusing and being difficult

117 replies

Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 21:40

So I'll be brief ish..

11 years ago I broke up with my partner as she cheated, cut contact 100% but found out a few months after that she was pregnant, she refused to answer the door and shortly moved.

Fast forward been searching on and off for years as I never knew and wanted to know, I finally found her on social media using a new Facebook account because...she had actively searched my newest account which is under a year old and blocked it... she was also using a different surname until she got married and now uses his name.

Theres no photos of the child on her Facebook which is locked down big time same as the rest of her family... I know the child exists though.

I messaged her asking for an answer to which she said it's her husbands who she didnt meet until over a year after we split up.... I asked to see proof of it and she said she doesnt know where it is then blocked me... she then changed her name completely to something so different like shes hiding from me...

The relationship was never bad and she isnt hiding from me for her safety it just feels like she doesnt want me to know that it may well be mine and just wants her happy family with her husband...

What can I do about this? I can already tell she wont agree to another test that I can see evidence of... shes not asked for any csa and clearly doesnt want me involved... theres no solid proof to say he is mine but dates and her actions sound suspect.

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 26/12/2019 21:45

We only have your word for the fact that you weren’t abusive and pose no risk to her, so I think it’s unlikely that anyone here is going to give you any advice on how to further invade her privacy.

She’s gone to an awful lot of trouble to keep her life secret and separate and to evade you, seems odd if you split up on reasonable terms.

Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 21:51

I've messaged her on facebook and she didnt scream to leave her alone... so please dont tar me with that brush because I'm a male... we broke up amicably...

OP posts:
Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 21:52

I'm also disgusted that you would come out with that to a complete stranger you dont know...

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 26/12/2019 21:55

Calm down with your disgust and outrage. I owe you nothing, and certainly not my trust in your story.

What do you want out of this? Just a paternity test? A relationship with her child? A relationship with her? What happened at the time? Why now? 11 years later?

Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 21:59

Did you not even read my thread?
I've been searching on and off but she was using her mums new married surname and moved somewhere I had no idea where, it was her brothers girlfriend that told me where she moved to and even she thinks it's odd that shes being this weird...i want to know if it's my child or not...I dont want a relationship with her....

You dont owe me anything but you also dont need to come out making an assumption that I was in any way violent, more so that I'm a DV survivor myself...

If I was a psycho why would I post here? I'd turn up at her door and kick it in wouldnt I Xmas Hmm

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 26/12/2019 22:02

This is too much like hard work trying to get any information out of you so I’m going to leave it and you’ll have to see if anyone else comes along.

Good luck.

Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 22:02

I contacted the guy she cheated with and even he knows nothing and said the same that he tried to find her and never could... it's not unlike her to be private, she never had social media the whole time we were together

OP posts:
Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 22:03

I gave you info... clearly you'd no intention in helping you just want to dig at me so please go ahead and leave

OP posts:
RoomR0613 · 26/12/2019 22:03

She’s gone to an awful lot of trouble to keep her life secret and separate and to evade you, seems odd if you split up on reasonable terms.

Well that could be one reason but it's also perfectly possible that as far as her child, any siblings and wider social circle etc are concerned her husband is the father. Perhaps she just doesn't want her world to implode.

You may be the father biologically but after 11 years you aren't the dad as far as the child understands. Who are you pursuing this for? It's likely only to cause hurt even if you are right.

QueenofPain · 26/12/2019 22:05

Yeah. That’s where I was trying to get to with the post, that this kid has a dad, it’s the one who’s been married to their mother for the past ten years. So what was OP wanting? A relationship with the child - unlikely and probably damaging for the child at this point. Or just his answers about paternity? But to what end?

TARSCOUT · 26/12/2019 22:06

I would suggest you contact a lawyer. She obviously doesn't want you to contact her directly so do it that way. I can only hope.my DP finds his son that way, we keep looking and when we do find her it will all be through lawyers.

Lulualla · 26/12/2019 22:07

You could have easily found her with an investigator and then started court proceedings for access; a court would have ordered a paternity test.
You didn't. It's been 11 years. Dont explode the life of that child.

AnneElliott · 26/12/2019 22:08

What are you hoping to get out of this? Even if the child is biologically yours, their dad is the one that's brought them up.

Cohle · 26/12/2019 22:09

It is possible to apply to the courts for a declaration of parentage, under S.55 of the Family Law Act 1986.

However I think you need to consider, honestly, whether you are pursuing this because you genuinely believe it to be in the best interests of the child.

Northernlurker · 26/12/2019 22:11

You asked, she's told you you are not the father. The child doesn't need you. The only person who gains here is you, possibly having the satisfaction of knowing a child you've never supported or nurtured is yours. Don't be that person. Leave them alone.

1plus2equalstrouble · 26/12/2019 22:12

Do people not think the kid has a right to know the truth?

Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 22:12

I couldnt afford an investigator to find her otherwise I would have done by now, I tried for years it's not like I sat back and didnt, and I wont be made to be the bad guy when I was the one trying whilst shes gone along lying about it all...I'm entitled to know and have contact if I want to, I'm not just going to rock up say hi son and destroy the family...

OP posts:
Lulualla · 26/12/2019 22:16

So what about popping along to see a solicitor at any point in the last 11 years? On a low income you would have got legal aid for it back then.

Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 22:17

Its nothing to do with having the satisfaction of knowing... it's called being a father to my child if he is indeed mine, for once a man wants to actually be part of his childs life and the brigade is out saying not to... I would have supported him all I could and raised him if I had the chance to, it's so easy for you to sit behind a screen and say "forget about him" it's been 11 years I've not forgotten because it's been eating away at me...

OP posts:
lazymoz · 26/12/2019 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lulualla · 26/12/2019 22:19

Have contact if I want to

What about the child? What if he doesnt want to?

Your posts just come across as all about you. And you've only done things which were easy for you to do, like searching social media.

If you were really desperate then you would have seen a solicitor, you would have applied for paternity declaration, you would have started court proceedings. You didn't do anything, but now the kid is all but grown, you want contact when you want it, who cares what the kid wants.

Original poster
Hahadumball · 26/12/2019 22:19

I wasnt on a low enough income for legal aid but I wasnt well off, paying someone to find her would cost a fortune that I didnt have, and before its suggested I dont drink or smoke. The fact all I knew was her name and date of birth I highly doubt that would have got me anywhere more so that I had no idea where she moved to at all it could have been a different country for all i knew.

OP posts:
ElluesPichulobu · 26/12/2019 22:20

stop this.

if you are a decent human being then your first priority should be the best interests of the child.

The child may carry your genes or the genes of your Ex's affair lover but neither of you are the dad. the child is secure and happy and will receive no benefit, and may be considerably harmed, by this can of worms being opened.

wait another 7 years. this is not too long to wait. when the child is an adult then they can choose for themselves if they want to know more about the person that half their genes came from.

you pursuing this unwanted contact now is just selfish.

Lunafortheloveogod · 26/12/2019 22:20

What do you gain from imploding an 11year olds world? The child might absolutely hate you for “ruining their life” and want feck all to do with you.

She’s not chasing you down for money and assuming she won’t ever as you’re not named on the bc. If you’ve ever had a one night stand you’ve never spoke to again you could have another kid that you’re not aware of and that isn’t affecting you’re life.

I do agree with pp’s it’s a hellish amount of effort to keep you out of the picture if you’ve always been calm n rational. Not 100% if her side of the story would sound the same (not answering the door, moving, changing names for sm, blocking new accounts as soon as aware)