Potential grandparent requesting DNA test..

[user1499775533]

Hi, was wondering if anyone knows if a potential paternal grandparent can request DNA by starting the mediation process etc. Any advive would be appreciated.

I don’t want to be too harsh but you don’t listen to anything anyone says. Are you alright mentally? Do you have some kind of mental health issues?

She took her own son to court to get contact. And OP says her child has repeated nasty things the gran has said. There is potential police involvement to ask her to back off.
MN thinks that GPS are beneficial to children, but this is only true where they are respectful of the parents.
Taking parents to court to get access without the mother being present is creepy and weird. Of course if the parent doesn't want it, it shouldn't happen. No one should have legal rights over someone else's child except in child protection cases or where the gps have raised the DC and are more like parents.

As an aside,she wants all these rights but I bet she doesn't want to pay child support.

Thank you iwannaseehowthisends. We all have our own thoughts but the truth of the matter is her behaviour hasn't been okay which has effected my behaviour. From the minute my Daughter was born her behaviour has been crazy. She used to text my ex telling him she was sat looking at pictures of my Daughter crying and could he bring her around. The problem is my ex works 6 days a week and does go out at the weekends with friends, he is a busy man and couldn't give her the kind of contact she was looking for so she initiated mediation when my elder Daughter was 9 months old to which i offered her monthly contact at my home because i could offer consistency and it was whilst her son was present too but she claimed first i denied this then second she was intimidated by me but on her c100 form she stated she just wanted contact at home and contact had been good. There's so much more i could say guys. And i respect there's always 2 sides. I just feel boundaries have been the issue and accepting i am my daughters mum. Whilst i was pregnant she made awful racial remarks towards me and we didn't talk but my ex was still taking my Daughter there. On Christmas day i sat alone because she wouldn't allow my ex to bring my Daughter back, my baby was 3 weeks old. There's much more to this but whatever happened prior i chose to put that to the side to do the right thing for my child, but clearly these issues with me are still issues for her because maybe I don't fit into her box.

As an aside,she wants all these rights but I bet she doesn't want to pay child support.
The problem in these situations is that it all becomes about what the adults want, who the adults do and don't like, what the adult feels they can do to point score against another adult, how adults can spin information or misinformation to benefit them, how the adults can use the children as pawns in their own arguments.

Firstly, it's not about grandparent rights. It's about the children's rights to know their father and their family. The CHILDREN'S right. Not the OP's belief they have a right to their babies to themself. Not any grandparents belief that have the right to do whatever.

The children are being lost in this.

Secondly, access to children paying child support are totally unrelated. A child has rights regarding family, regardless of who is paying what. They are not some excursion where if you pay you see and if you don't then tough.

The reason courts are useful in these situations is it reduces the likelihood of actions for the children being dictated to based on adults who want to score points with other adults (and by the sounds of it that's what's happening here probably in both directions)

I think the most important thing regarding children is safeguarding them. Just because someone is a family member doesn't necessarily mean they should see that person. I just find it strange how my ex has never supported his mum and only takes my daughter there for the 2 hours a month, i can tell when he's hiding something and i honestly believe something happened to him as a child regarding his mother. There relationship has always been strained but her controlling ways are unreal and not normal. It's almost like she views him as a piece of property that has to do what he says but now he's an adult he doesn't have to listen so she'll take him to court instead.

Bottle line is my children's wellbeing is the most important thing to me. Some abusers abuse physically and some mentally and it's irrelevant who she is at this point just that i believe she could cause them both emotional harm in the long run just like she has i and her own child.

If you're going to throw around words like safeguarding and abuse then why on earth aren't you doing more to protect your eldest DD and changing the court order to stop all visitation?
Maybe because you are exaggerating and it's not that bad?

I just find it strange how my ex has never supported his mum and only takes my daughter there for the 2 hours a month,
I can't remember what you said before but does he also see his eldest DD more than 2 hours a month?

Lola, the thing it it's for parents to decide what is in the best interests of their children. It takes two people to make a baby, not those two plus their assorted parents!
I agree that children have a right to know who their father is. I don't agree that they have a right to see extended family - I believe that is something for the parents to decide as they see fit.
MN is generally opposed to linking child support with access but since we are talking about children's rights, they have the right to have all their needs met - physical, emotional and financial. Raising children properly requires all three aspects to be in place - it's not for parents or grandparents to cherry pick the bits they want and ignore the bits they don't fancy. So if a nrp or gp thinks their presence is important enough that they go to court and insist on access, maybe they should also be taking a view that they've some responsibility to contribute to the financial support as well, since children need to eat far more than they need to see grandma!

The contact regarding my Daughter needs amending but as it stands she goes with her dad and hasn't had my Daughter unsupervised. I just found it strange why she wanted my baby at her home without me to start with and her controlling behaviour is not okay, she actually thinks it's normal. I have told her how she's made me feel in the past and there was absolutely no emotion there at all. Nothing. There's just more to it with her i feel. The only time my ex has ever spoke about her during childhood was when he apparently was being abit naughty and wouldn't listen so she locked him in the cellar in the dark. I can just picture her doing that too. From what he says he spent most of his childhood with family members and his father. I've never heard him say one positive thing about his mother and his brother is the same. But with my ex he is so private and wouldn't talk about anything like that.

I think it's redundant really, you said it all when you stated, 'I'll call the police whenever I want.' To me that's pretty unhinged. You're basically admitting you are using this new power as a way to punish your exes Mum, essentially till she gets the message and backs off.

Another poster has highlighted that your behaviour, could pretty much question your ability to parent. As any sane person will see what you're doing as pretty odd.

How old is DD2 again?

What a bloody mess.

I really want to believe that the MIL is a sadistic narcissist, with comments like, ill get her arrested as many times as I want, makes me lean towards the fact that OP is in need of some help, ideally to realise she can't dictate everything concerning both DD.

My second daughter is almost 1. And yep my new found power with the police is what i should of done 3 years ago. I'm at the stage now where I'm not giving her the reaction she wants because she enoys it. I hold my hands up and say when she first started court proceedings for no valid reason may i add, i rang her and like any mother i was not pleased and did shout etc because i was so upset and creeped out she was doing this. I called the police this time because things will escalate if not and i don't want that. She would of never expected that to happen either because this is the me saying i need to stand up to you now of forever live under her rule.

I'm the kind of person that can appreciate all family members and invite all into my home because it's nice for kids to be part of that but the ones that have no boundaries at all and can't be respectful shouldn't be in your life, if you don't try and put boundaries down then they'll be telling you that your baby is eating for breakfast etc. It's dangerous and nobody but the parents have the right to make these decisions. I'm honestly at the stage where I've had enough, her mental mind games aren't working, I'm not reacting to everything she does again, i will simply call the police and report her behaviour. There's only so much someone can take.

I am not legally qualified, but I have seen posts about mothers losing 'custody' (not called that now, but can't remember what it is) for sabotaging contact with other side of family. Fathers who have physically abused mothers and children get access and mothers get threatened by the court if they try to prevent it.

If your ex's mother makes his life so hard that it is easier for him to make applications that give him residence so he can hand the children over to her, you will be in a difficult position and the court may well not listen to you. They may decide that they will order a DNA test and that they will grant unsupervised access. They are unlikely to care about your reasons.

Please be careful.

As a mother I had expectations, there was things & wanted and did want, concerning my DC. As many parents will tell you, I may as well have been talking to a brick wall. It's a GP prerogative to do what they want.

Here's the bit to focus on, as long as the GM isn't letting your DD do anything logically dangerous. (Ignoring how hypothetically a bag of sweets or CBeebies isn't what you'd do) A GP is likely to think oh DGC deserves a treat.

If you were fed up with everything after DD1, why oh why get yourself into a situation, where this man Father’s two of your children. In your head you might have spent the pregnancy and beyond, thinking what you would do this time.

I would listen to PP who have said the police might take a dim view on the fact you're calling them due to whatever cause, they might refer to SS, as if we can see this as being unreasonable behaviour, do you think the police are going to be full of the joys of spring on the 20th call.

I'll make it a tad clearer, if they involve SS & if you are assessed as having a problem, the Grandparent may be rewarded more hours, if not possibly even more contact than that, as SS may query if DC's Father behaves as he does to please you, the Grandparent is assessed as being a normal Grandparent. The main issue is you not liking her. Since the beginning of time MIL's & DIL's haven't seen eye to eye.

It's not giving in, it's giving each child access to their paternal family.

From a family funeral I recall a situation where a child asked a relative, why don't we see you? The relative couldn't really say, well your Mum is bat shit crazy, her word is gospel. DD1 might be asking the GP why can't I see you more, why this, why that. The GP isn't going to lie and say well I only want to see you for this long.

I'm really hoping this is sinking in.

My only 'problem' is her. It's hard work looking after children but even harder when you're living in fear of a woman and what she'll do next. The police were actually great if I'm honest, they told me it's usually the mothers and fathers where these kind of things happen. They said even if she called social services they don't remove children for mental reasons unless I'm deemed high risk to the public and them. They actually said too if there's anything else we can help you with regarding this then call us back. I know the officer believed me and I'm glad i did it. My biggest worry is that my ex could initiatr problems in the future if she whispers in his ear too, but that would be more justifiable seen as he is the father, but I'll cross that bridge when i have to. I'm just trying to stay positive at the moment for my children and that's all i can do. The grandmother is basically the kind of person that has gone through life with everybody doing as she says because if not some kind of threat will be there. You think she'd have better things to do than be knocking around courtrooms and mediation places. You know the lady on the phone at the mediation place actually said how sorry she felt for me because they remembered her and know she wastes court time. They advised me to call the police and wavered anymore letters through my door. I've said all along and i stand by it, it's the fight with her and not the actual kids concerned. Because she gets 2 hours a month she gives my Daughter nothing at Christmas or her birthday! Think guys....

I think moving abroad is the best answer.
she'll never stop.

You're totally right hun. The laws in this country allow these kind of people to mentally abuse you then legally abuse you some more. I know my feelings on the matter and if my wishes as the parent aren't respected in court then I'll be gone. Time these family courts were opened to the public, the fact they're not expains a lot.

I'd go to Spain in your position. If your ex doesn't care and wouldn't stop you, no one is going to make you come back just because mil gets contact one a month for 2 hours!

Time these family courts were opened to the public, the fact they're not expains a lot.
Family courts aren't open to public viewing due to reasons pertaining to the children. It's not right or fair that specific details should be a public spectacle.

But they are hardly closed off
On 27 April 2009, all levels of the Family Courts were opened to accredited members of the media.
Courts are still able to restrict attendance if a child’s welfare requires it, or if it is necessary to do so for the safety and protection of parties or witnesses – who can request this of the court if they feel it is necessary.
Courts also have powers to restrict what can be reported to protect the welfare of children and families, or to relax reporting rules in individual cases.

Hardly some sort of conspiracy, but then this is someone who has gripes with the court system and would seek to move overseas to prevent court involvement.

You're sounding increasingly paranoid.

Well, we're all entitled to our own opinions aren't we now. I think the family courts should be used for fathers, extended family members that have raised children up and obviously social service cases. Anything else is wasting time. I'm sure you think differently but that's what makes us all different. And most definitely i am a little paranoid, who knows what she'll pull out of the bag this time.

But that approach by definition makes it convenient for anyone who wants to prevent contact and then go 'aha but the courts are only for people who have been involved'.
The courts sit beyond adults falling out, point scoring, using kids as weapons, using contact as a weapon and they are there to focus on what is best for the child. Any change in remit that places the whims of warring adults first would be a step backwards.

I can't speak for all parents but i know i only want the best for my children and would never deprive them of anything positive. Just because someone is deemed a family member does not mean they should see your children if the parents refuse. Afterall, there is a reason for everything. And these kind of grandparents aren't looking for access, they're looking on power and winning the fight because they can't control their own children anymore and probably haven't been a great parent, so their own children don't bother with them, so they'll make someone else's life and use the only thing they know that will get to you, which is your kids.

Then I would argue that is for the courts to decide by looking at what is in front of them, statements and so on.

Limiting who is eligible for family courts on the grounds of 'has the parent allowed contact and involvement already?' is setting the bar in a way that is confrontational and designed to try to weight the court process in favour of one side. Anyone being objective and rational can see why a court process set up to favour one side is problematic.