To be cross that dh expects me to pay for exactly half of household expenses when he earns twice what I do?

[theredsalamander]

Our finances are very separate. This worked fine when we were just a couple who both worked full time but now we are married with two children and I work part time to spend more time with the children I think it should change.

We've just run out of oil, (heating) and it will cost £1100 for a top up. Normal joint account balance never has enough cash for such a big payment in one go (over a year, monthly payment accumulating enough maybe). I have no savings, have very little spare cash (eg I rarely go out as I can't afford drinks/taxis/new outfit etc) but he has lots. It would take him three days work to earn enough to pay for the oil, he has enough in his account to pay for it already anyway.

His exact words "Oil is a house cost that we budgeted for and not an addition which I am happy to pay for"

Now I am rubbish with money, I will absolutely own up to that, in fact one of the reasons I am so skint is that I am trying hard to pay off a loan. Without the monthly loan payment I would be much more comfortable and would be able to contribute more to family outings trips etc- he pays for all "extra curricular" activities holidays/outings/meals out/etc, but I can't pay half of the oil cost. I do not want to "owe" him the money I want him to pay it so I am not in debt to my husband as well as the sodding bank.

AIBU? Or because I am rubbish with money is he right in not financing my obligations whilst I am paying the loan back?

I am posting this at work and wont be able to log in for a few hours but hopefully you will be able to give me some perspective on my return!

Thanks in advance.

I really think you need to read back your own posts. He seems VERY unkind and selfish. I am genuinely surprised at your attitude to his behaviour (although not as surprised as I am at his inability to emote)

he is exploiting you and he has fucked with your head to make you think it is ok and even your own fault.
You need to take a long hard look at the situation.

No we don't have a cleaner. This is because the joint account wouldn't be able to fund it and because I can't afford to put more money into it he will not either. And this thread has made me realise that perhaps that seems a bit fucked up?

As is he fact that whilst the bulk of the burden of household tasks falls on my shoulders, I cant get it all done and work 4 days a week and so the house is often messy and we have the European washing mountain piled in our bedroom. And I am often criticised for this, whilst I fight back against this and we have blazing rows he still is disappointed in me because I don't live up to his standards.

I am getting really embarrassed now. I have not ever ever ever considered that the way we do things is wrong. Realised that others do things differently but as with everything, thought "different strokes" and all that.

I am starting to think lots of long pushed away hidden things now that are making me a bit terrified of what I perhaps know is the right thing to do but am too scared and reluctant to even consider. Because after all this I do love him and just wish he loved me the same, not only loves when I'm fitting into his perfect wife mould.

And now I think I'm going to go and have a little cry before tidying myself up before the school run. And breathe.

That's not an inability, it's a refusal.

He's happy enough to "emote" when he thinks someone else might be getting something he can't have.

The whole thing is utterly fucked up and I really do feel for you. Nobody should be walking on eggshells like that afraid to have a grown up discussion about money with their husband (who has vowed to share his worldly goods) because they are fearful of his reaction.

If he doesn't like the mess why doesn't he clean up some of it?
Tell him he needs to start acting more like your husband and father of your children and less like a lodger in your house who expects everything to be done for him.

I hope you will find the strength to stand up to him and put a stop to this horrible behaviour. I am sure that is hard to do when you have been downtrodden for so long, but unless you start, things will never change.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk take a look at this

What's 'wrong' with your relationship, OP, is that it's abusive. This person emotionally and financially abuses you. His 'standards', not respecting you and your work, criticising you, financially restraining you and making you believe it's your fault, etc.

If you need more support on this matter when you try to address it , post on Relationships as other people have been in this position with financially controlling/taking the piss men and may be able to give you first hand advice.

I really don't get where he is coming from - you can't have more time off work but you need to do the cleaning, you can't have some help with the cleaning to meet his standards as you can't afford it, you can't afford it because you work part time - and round and round.

Am sorry this has all made you cry There is a big imbalance here - MANY women put up with and don't even realise there is one. They just blindly fill a role they think they should. Maybe you do too?

I hope you find a way to address this. Maybe post in relationships about hoe to redress the balance [un-MN hug]

charge for child care at the going rate, this has to be included in the household bills and it has to be paid for - and you pay him for childcare at the going rate - then you will find that he is poor and you are not poor any more.

For example the day is split into three sections morning, afternoon and eve. If you are both at home then its nul and void, if one of you is home then its 9 per hour

OP, your post of 14.33 is so sad

It sounds like it's going to be tough for you to work through this, but good luck with it.

Think ahead to the examples you would wish to set your DC for what decent adult relationships are like.

I'm so sorry OP :(

You sound like a lovely, bright, capable woman. You'll be OK.

But don't ignore what you know any longer. It's not right how things are.

I'm appalled that he complains about you having a 'day off' when that's a day at home looking after your child(ren) and trying to catch up on the housework. Must be very difficult to reason with someone with attitudes like that.

And 'recouping' the heating money to replenish his own personal savings, and making you beg for a 'favour' when you need something basic like a pair of shoes to go to work in . I appreciate you might not feel ready to challenge him or make big changes right now, but I hope you're starting to realise and admit to yourself how wrong and abnormal this whole situation is.

Just wanted to add my support to all those who are telling you this is not right, or normal. It really isn't.

I agree with ASByatt: your DC are going to learn from you how to be in a relationship. If you have a DS, do you want him to think it's all right to treat his wife (someone he's promised to care for and share all his worldly goods with) like this? If you have a DD, do you want her to end up with a tosser who treats her like a slave, because she doesn't know how a good marriage ought to work?

If you are doing all the household chores then bill him for them, smiliarly bill him for any childcare you do. Your arrangement isn't fair or even normal and I would go as far to say that it is considered abusive. Women's Aid would class this as financial abuse part of being in the bigger picture of domestic abuse.
Women's Aid
You only have one more day off work (spent looking after his children!) than he does.

She shouldn't have to bill him. In a normal relationship two married adults should be able to sit down together and talk about their financial affairs reasonably and find a fair solution. Actually in a normal marriage this situation would not have become an issue.
You are right, the situation is abusive. She is afraid of his reaction so he gets away with it even more.

TheRedSalamander, can you really not see how exremely unfair, and illogical , he is being?

So basically he wants you to do all the childcare, all the domestic stuff, and earn 50 % of all the household money, while in the same number of hours in the week he just has to earn 50% of the household money?

That really is not an abstract concept!

You sound lovely. He is taking advantage. And he shouts at you?

Follow Custy's link. You are experiencing emotional and financial abuse.

I'm astonished by this thread. You are married, a family, a partnership; the whole concept of my money/his money should be completely irrelevent. In our family it's "our" money, whoever earned it.

I hope you can resolve this, OP.

What does he think you'd be doing on this "day off?" Sitting around drinking coffee and having manicures? Not that I have to justify that to my DH if ever I do those things. He might grin and say "busy day? You must be exhausted." and forget about it.
That 5th day, not to mention, I suspect, the whole weekend too, would almost certainly be spent on household tasks - that he won't do, nor fund an outside source to do them. So if you work full-time, when are those things to be done? Oh yes, on your weekend, while he, no doubt, is sitting around counting his savings and wondering what he might spend it on for himself.
Sounds like you're just beginning to see what's going on here.

OP, I'm sorry to trawl for back history, but I'm assuming that these threads are yours - here and here

You've identified his behaviour before, why do you now say how great he is? I think you're in denial about it all and you need to confront this all in your own mind. That might sound harsh for which I'm sorry, but from all that you've posted it doesn't really seem like your H is the great bloke you're hoping he is.

Salamander, if he is really gonig to be as unreceptive to reason as you think - and you are best qualified to judge this - then I suggest you sort this out in the presence of a professional counsellor who knows neither of you.

What he is doing has to be a deal breaker. Being at home with the children doing housework is not time off. 3 or 4 years ago someone worked out that if you had to pay a professional for all the work a SAHM does, on a f/t basis, you would be shelling out £27,000 a year. And that was quite a long time ago. On that basis, your DH should be paying you at least £450 a month (and that's at 2007 rates so probably closer to £550. Less what he pays for childcare that's still almost £200 a month he owes you.

There are probably other formulae for calculating how much he should be paying which would yield a different amount, the above is just to illustrate how you are being exploited.

Yes, DH was like this. I think it comes of years of living together before having children. My response was to go out and earn more than him. If that's not an option right now, how about a talk to rebalance? He presumably isn't even aware that he's making you feel low.

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I am repeating anything.
DP and I have a joint account for all household and child related expenses and then separate accounts for our own money. We each pay an equal proportion of our wages into the joint account. We used to pay equal amounts into the joint account but it left me a bit like you are now OP.
The way I put it to him was that if he wanted everything to be split 50/50 then he had to live at the level my wages could stretch to. His choice - nice house etc and he pays more, or small house, no holidays etc and everything evenly split.

Well it has not turned out to be a good evening.

I have handled things badly, he has refused to even consider changing the way our finances work but has declined to give me a reason. I pointednout that we did do a proportional split based on wages some years back in his favour, and that I almost completely carried us both when he was a student but that now I couldn't afford to do the same he was being unfair in not agreeing to reduce the amount I put in. He has flatly refused to do this and has wffectively said he doesnt nees to give me a reason why, he's just not doing it. He has said though that he pays for all of the non routine household things- the treats and so on, days out/ family lunches /gym membership etc and he is right.

Am I just being a bit greedy by not including all these things in my reckoning? They do cost a decent whack. In anger he said well stuff it I'm not paying for any of those things now. Which makes me feel like he wil be blaming me for us not doing them- if I hadn't got grabby then the dc would still be getting the benefit if it all.

Sorry this all sounds a bit "he said/she said" in a take a a break style.

'In anger he said well stuff it I'm not paying for any of those things now. Which makes me feel like he wil be blaming me for us not doing them- if I hadn't got grabby then the dc would still be getting the benefit if it all. '

that's very manipulative of him, can you see that?