To be cross that dh expects me to pay for exactly half of household expenses when he earns twice what I do?

[theredsalamander]

Our finances are very separate. This worked fine when we were just a couple who both worked full time but now we are married with two children and I work part time to spend more time with the children I think it should change.

We've just run out of oil, (heating) and it will cost £1100 for a top up. Normal joint account balance never has enough cash for such a big payment in one go (over a year, monthly payment accumulating enough maybe). I have no savings, have very little spare cash (eg I rarely go out as I can't afford drinks/taxis/new outfit etc) but he has lots. It would take him three days work to earn enough to pay for the oil, he has enough in his account to pay for it already anyway.

His exact words "Oil is a house cost that we budgeted for and not an addition which I am happy to pay for"

Now I am rubbish with money, I will absolutely own up to that, in fact one of the reasons I am so skint is that I am trying hard to pay off a loan. Without the monthly loan payment I would be much more comfortable and would be able to contribute more to family outings trips etc- he pays for all "extra curricular" activities holidays/outings/meals out/etc, but I can't pay half of the oil cost. I do not want to "owe" him the money I want him to pay it so I am not in debt to my husband as well as the sodding bank.

AIBU? Or because I am rubbish with money is he right in not financing my obligations whilst I am paying the loan back?

I am posting this at work and wont be able to log in for a few hours but hopefully you will be able to give me some perspective on my return!

Thanks in advance.

DH earns nearly twice what I do (now I'm part-time) and I have continued to contribute exactly the same amount to the joint account (which funds the mortgage, all household bills, insurance premiums etc). However, he spends more on food than I do and covers the majority of nursery fees (apart from my £243 childcare vouchers).

This is my choice though and if a big bill came in and I genuinely couldn't contribute half, he wouldn't make a deal out of it.

YANBU... This is ridiculous. DH and have a joint bank account for everything household related, we put in a set amount each month which covers everything but as I'm the higher earner I put in more than he does... this is a no brainer for us... we are a team! (no 'I' in team!!) If you are only working part-time then splitting the cost of the oil is absolute madness and desperately unfair on you... No excuses, I don't care if he pays for the 'extra-curricular' stuff, oil is a household essential so that you all can stay warm. Get tough with him...

Charge him the daily rate for a nanny on the days you do childcare and he works, and also for any extra childcare and domestic struff you do at w/es etc.

But that isn't really the answer. The answer is that he needs to think about both the marriage vows he made (to share worldly goods) and the legal partnership that a marriage is. You are a legal unit - the assets that come in belong to both partners.

Also, what kind of patriarchal, male chauvinist git is he that he thinks that because you stay at home and care for your dcs your contribution to the partnership is so little? That he thinks that a woman who is a p/t sahm should live in poverty while he swans around with all his extra cash? He should actually be ASHAMED to warm himself with oil paid 50% by you - he's taking serious advantage. Most undignified and shoddy.

what she said (down to lesley 33)

YANBU, he sounds horribly selfish and strange. DH earns more than me and we pay a proportional amount into a joint account for household expenses. We each have our own accounts for the rest of our take home pay, but pool our savings.

I don't think it's fair to say 'once you have DC/marry ALL money MUST be joint' - there are lots of ways to run family life. It is fine to have seperate, joint or some mixture of that, as long as it is fair and agreed.

We do 70% of our wage into household pot (which covers EVERYTHING - from nursery to food to bills) and keep the other 30% for our own spending. We are VERY differnet spending wise and it would make me feel stressed if I didn't have my own money.

What an awful attitude for him to take. You are investing in his children, not just yours, he should be able to understand that it is something far more valuable you are doing - actually being there for the kids to give them quality time and the best life possible - than using your time working so you can afford to do everything 50/50. What sort of father is he that he wouldn't want the mother of his children to be able to do that? If he cares about his kids and actually agrees that it is something invaluable you are doing - which consequently means a wage sacrifice - then he should be going beyond his "share" of the finances and not be petty over stuff like this. He sounds like a miser.

Like others have said, if he's really going to stick to this kind of attitude then either charge him an hourly rate or refuse to do things for him any more around the house.

You are married. Didn't you agree in your vows to share your wordly goods with each other?

I always see a marriage as about a partnership, you should be working together. Instead he is behaving as if you are flat mates. Yes if you are flat mates it would be wrong of one to expect the other to subsidise bills for them.

tbh if i was you his attitude would really upset me. You should be pooling your money for the benefit of the whole family.

It also makes me wonder if this attitude carries over to other areas of his marriage with you.

I don't believe that all monies necessarily belong to the household. I am a SAHM. My DH puts money into a joint account for household expenses etc. He also puts money into my account monthly. This is my money, the spending of which can never be second-guessed by him.

yanbu. If he wants to play it like that then I'd be billing him for childcare. But then my dh would never behave like that.

DoMeDon - I can see that would work where you are both earning decent money. My OH and I are earning okay money now, but when we first got together and having kids we were really pretty poor most of the time. There really wasn't anything left over for me money most weeks.

I think both partners should have money to spend that they don't have to account for. That is very reasonable. But it isn't fair if he earns twice as much but does not contribute fairly. The OP can't contribute as much as he can, and he does not appear to value the work she does in the home. It doesn't sound much of a partnership.

We split all household costs and like you, he earns bucketloads more than me and I work part-time. The difference is subtle though:

• we live very much according to my budget, so I'm not stretching myself financially to accommodate say, a really big house, or a stupid Sky TV package etc.
• childcare is split 50:50. That means that either we pay for it, or we give up some of our working hours to accommodate it. But it is very much 50:50. You work part-time, so presumably sacrificed some of your income in order to look after the kids yourself. Does he pay/sacrifice the same amount of time from his salary?

IMO, oil should be a shared household cost and you should have been putting in enough on a monthly basis to cover the annual payment.

However, I suspect that it might not be quite as "equal" as he thinks... Or that you somehow feel hard done by because he earns more money than you and therefore that he should pay a bigger percentage of the bills, despite this not being the arrangement. Either way, it's clearly not working for you both and you need to sit down and discuss it.

grovel - you have a decent bloke there! one that is not afraid of his wife having access to money! to me thats a good marriage, he trusts you, values you and makes sure you dont have to 'grovel'!

When we first moved in together and after we were first married my DH and I had separate finances and would transfer proportional amounts of our incomes to the joint account to cover household expenses. We switched to having our wages paid directly into the joint account and "sharing" everything shortly before having children.

I think either way of handling joint finances is fine when you are in a relationship with someone, whether you have children or not.

OP what your DH is doing is incredibly unreasonable!

YANBU

get your DH on here to explain himself.

All money earned goes into the family pot. He's not house sharing like a student FFS. he's part of a family now.

I could say more but it's already been said.

DoMeDon, that works fine until you have kids and one of you goes part-time to look after the children. So earnings are already diminished by going on maternity leave and further diminished by earning part time wages (and part time benefits I might add).

This is a man keeping his wife in poverty and his family in discomfort because he is a controlling git.

Sorry, OP, that's harsh but I cannot believe this is how your relationship works. It's crap

Lesley- I know our way won't work for everyone - my point was meant to be that it is an agreed thing that we both think is fair. If a couple both want shared pot- good, if they both want seperate- good, but OP seems to have worst of both worlds. It is NOT fair, not agreed (anymore as she is not happy) and needs to change. Sorry I wasn't clearer

Christ- We do have DC and I do work PT. It is our agreement, works for us. It is not on for others to say what is/not right in a relationship. He IS controlling but not just because they have seperate money.

Your husband is a disgrace
No real man would see his wife and family go without because they can't contribute thier 'share'. Why on earth do men like this even GET married and have a family, when they live thier lives like single men, not one half of a partnership.

Why on earth does it matter WHO earns the money in a partnership, as long as someone does? It is totally beyond my comprehension that anyone would treat their partner like this.

What a self serving, selfish wanker.

How was the decision made that you would go part time OP? If it was a joint decision, and what you both wanted, or was necessary for childcare then YANBU, and your DH should pay more into the joint pot so you end up with equal spending money. If you chose to go part time for yourself, then I think that makes a difference and you should take the financial hit.

I agree with what everyone else says. Marriage is an economic partnership as much as an emotional one. He is taking you for a ride.

On the other hand, you can't make the throw away disclaimer, "Oh I'm rubbish with money", and absolve yourself of any fiscal responsibility. If you can add up and subtract, you have the basic skills to not be rubbish with money. You're a grown up. Take charge of your money.

We pay into a joint pot in proportion to our incomes (which means I end up paying 2/3). #That joint pot covers household expenses plus a bit so it can build up to pay for a new piece of furniture or work on the house when we need it. Otherwise our money is separate. It works for us. If we have kids, I anticipate that the arrangement will continue but the proportions will likely change for a while.

There is more than one way to run family finances. My parents do the all in one pot thing but this makes my mum really uncomfortable as she never feels like she is spending her own money and ends up being unnecessarily frugal. Different things suit different people.

But the OP's husband needs to cough up for fuel to heat the family home if he is the main earner. I wouldn't hesitate to fill the gap if there was a shortfall (and in fact have in the past).

But how does that work DoMeDon? If you both contribute equal % of your salary and you work part time, then your contribution to the household as a proportion of your income is way higher than his.

I can totally understand you wanting your own spending money and I know a lot of people contribute to a shared pot and keep a bit back for themselves but it's going to be horribly unequal if you do it on % terms. Plus it is agreeing that the time you spend doing whatever you do with your children in the time you're not working, or the house or whatever, is worth fuck all.

Good God. I think the pair of you need to reread your marriage vows.