Emotionless husband- how to approach him with my feelings?

[TheRedSalamander]

DH doesn't seem to understand any of the positive cuddly emotions that make me melt- tenderness, joy, contentedness, and so on. There are so many things I want to talk to him about but I really don't know how to broach the subjects. The lack of these emotions in our relationship is becoming a really big issue for me- especially the tenderness one.

On the surface our relationship is fine, but like most others (I'm hoping) that if you scratch beneath the surface there are ishoos that others just cant see. Or that DH can't see in this case because I don?t know how to raise them.

I feel like I can't be anything other than absolutely fine with whatever life throws at me because dh isn't interested if I'm not, and is actually a bit dismissive of me being anything other than level-emotioned. He's the one I naturally turn to when I'm feeling a bit rubbish cos I love him and hope that he'll be a bit of support if I'm not feeling the full ticket emotionally/physically. In the same way if he is feeling a bit rubbish I try and make sure I can be kind and supportive and give him a bit of an easy time because he's feeling a bit fragile. Which admittedly doesn't happen much but I will still go out of my way to be extra nice to him because I love him and want him to know that and be happy, if he's not happy then I would be horrified if he let me know that I was treating him indifferently or making him feel worse. But this isn't reciprocated at all unfortunately.

I feel I'm in a bit of an emotional vacuum, I have so many feelings rushing around but I can't share them with DH as he just gets annoyed at me. And in particular if I have a thing about 'us' that I'd like to discuss, he will just ignore it. Literally. I will be saying "can we please talk about x as I'd like us to be able to sort it out?" and he will continue doing whatever he's doing, I'll ask again, and again, then get a bit shouty because he's ignoring me, then he'll get shouty back and then it's my fault we're arguing and we won't resolve anything at all because by then we're both wound up and in no frame of mind to have a sensible discussion. Its driving me potty.

It's our 10th wedding anniversary next year and I would really value being able to go to a Relate counsellor or similar so that we can get a few things in perspective and hopefully make it more likely that we'll to get to our 11th but this is a total no no for him. There is absolutely no way he would agree to it or even discuss why he thinks it's a bad idea without resorting to frowning glaring snapping etc. Really feel at breaking point and because of the reaction I get, I don't even know how to tell him. If I write a letter I think it'll just end up with 4 days of silence from him and me treading on eggshells and being made to feel bad because I'm the one who's rocked the boat by airing my feelings, followed by more of the same if I stick by my guns. I have sort of been there before (longish term silence) and I don't fancy it again.

Don't really know why I'm posting because I can't even frame all my thoughts properly! Have to dash home now for school & nursery pick ups but if anyone out there has time to reply to my tale of inarticulated woe I will read and respond later I promise.

I understand what you're saying. It must be really frustrating for you. I think Relate is exactly what you need, and it might need you to be as firm as you've ever been in insisting he goes with you. Perhaps you could go alone first of all to start the process off, I did that and it was really useful.

The silence, stonewalling etc is all bullying behaviour and has no place in a loving, respectful relationship. He is denying you your right to emotions and feelings - not the actions of a loving partner. I think you're being really brave in addressing this now, don't let it go on another 10 years without sorting it.

Fruitshoot, was your OH really against it initially? Did he eventually participate and was it helpful? Sorry so many questions!

You are describing my H RedSalamander.

I would say you really need to be very clear with him that this matter is very important to you. Surely you dont want to live the rest of your life like this? Tell him that.

It is too late for me and my h - I actually think he has some sort of syndrome (maybe aspergers?) but I made it clear we needed to sort our marriage out and he wont do anything. I refuse to live like this.

Good luck

I know I can't go on like we are PFV. Thing is I'm not sure if it's always been this way but only over the last few years become too much (or little!) for me to deal with, or whether we've changed. I am getting to the point where I'm worried about how we are modelling relationships to our two, the lack of tenderness and general kindness mainly. Just so unhappy and sad that he won't even acknowledge there is an issue- don't think he actually cares whether or not I am happy :(

Our two ds's that should be

Hi again, yes H did eventually go to counselling with me, and I think it would have been helpful, were it not for there being the added complication of an OW on the scene by then. I was also really concerned about the relationship we were modelling to the dc's.

I'm now in a loving relationship where we talk about absolutely everything, and are openly affectionate. It couldn't be more different but feels far more healthy. I think the previous situation just eventually ground me down. It was horrible having to suppress all of my totally normal, healthy feelings because he didn't want to acknowledge them. I learned that many of his behaviour could be described as emotional abuse. I was so shocked, but that's what it amounted to. I had separate individual counselling which really helped me come to terms with it all.

Glad things have worked out for you. Were you and exH together long? We have been together 15 years, since i was 19 and he was 20 and I am a bit worried that i have encouraged( or at least allowed through not standing up to them for so long) some of his less attractive sides although I do think I would be hard pushed to describe them without sounding like im getting wound up about nothing.

Did you and exH do a lot of growing up together?

"Thing is I'm not sure if it's always been this way but only over the last few years become too much" - You know, that is how I feel - you do wonder how you have missed some of these traits. I believe they are highlighted when the dc come along - a bit more emotional support is needed and they can't quite step up to the mark. I really feel now that I have grown up but he just hasn't.

I am in fruitshoots camp - An OW came along and he just cannot rebuild our relationship. He tells me he wants to but will not do anything about it. He wont see a counsellor and he doesn't want to talk.

Sometimes I feel sorry for him, but I can't carry on like this - and neither should you.

We have been married 17 yrs.

Surely they were touchy feely and talkative at the beginning? that's how you learn about each other, isn't it?

Yes, mine was Tech - he seems like a different person now. I feel there isn't much I can do if he wont do anything about it himself.

Fruitshoot after reading through a lot of the threads on here in the past I have wondered whether DH has control/manipulation issues. I just cant ever see a time when I would be able to talk to him about it because he just doesn?t want to hear anything I have to say. Which in itself is the nub of the problem, I want to sort things out (or do I?) and although I am by no means perfect myself I need him to acknowledge that he is part of the problem. Which is not going to happen. Friends have suggested that maybe he just needs a bit of a kick up the bum as he is taking me so so for granted but I have no idea how to do the bum kicking if I can?t speak to him about it!

PFV I think maybe you could be right about things changing since DC arrived. We had a v tough time of 2006, ds1 arrived late 2004 and by this time dh had realised that he had to grow up but found this hard. Added to that a very good friend of his/ours died and I think things got too much for him and DH nearly left (again I think, I prob wanted him to at one point!) However he has refused to talk to me about what was going through his head, why he was such a w**ker to live with for a whole year and this is one of the things I still really want to talk about but because DH doesn?t want to admit that he was part of the problem it?s still eating away at me and causing resentment.

Tech- yes DH was different to begin with but as we were barely adult (19 and 20) back then I think the way he has matured is into a totally different person. He is a very logical male-brain thinker, and this is one of the things that when we were first together I loved knowing about him- understanding this helped me work out what made him tick. Thing is I love him because of all his perceived oddities, but I think that if DH loves me at all it would be in spite of mine (if that makes sense as a reason to be sad?) So all his quirks are things I find endearing and reasons that I love him but my idiosyncrasies are things he will trot out as reasons not to for him- they just annoy him. He is quite critical and intolerant I think. I don't think he really has made an effort to understand what makes me tick. Or if he does recognise this he doesn't do anything at all about it.

Pah! It?s all so subtle and seemingly minor that I feel a bit silly about it now.

Gosh sorry for waffle!

Some previous posters on a thread I started ages ago have sugegsted he might be a bit of a weirdo, for want of a better word. I'm so befuddled I am thinking that maybe my life would be better if we were apart. But I don't think it would be better for my DS's (5.9 and 2.4)

Red, I remember that thread, I would agree that you would be an awful lot better off without this. Don't waste any more of your precious life with this man, you can have so much more than this.

Your dc's will be fine, honestly they will. You will be happier and more relaxed and they will react to that. Mine were very similar ages, H and I had been together for a long time, and although it has been tough at times, it's nothing on putting up with that relationship. Children are incredibly adaptable.

Please go and have some individual counselling, as soon as you can get in. I'd change my mind on recommending joint counselling as he clearly won't put any effort in and I think he sounds to have abusive tendencies - no decent counsellor should want to see you together under those circumstances.

Fruitshoot thank you for your kindness, I want to cry. But just trying to articulate why I think his behaviour might be bad and upsets me seems so trivial, I don't want anyone to think that I am just giving up and being lazy about our marriage. That's what it feels like and I want to feel like I'm doing the right thing.

Men take a lot longer to see/ acknowledge issues. It's totally normal, if very frustrating. I was asking my dh for some counselling for nearly 7 years!!! He has finally seen the need for it, only because things got soooo bad between us. And it's really amazing! It's brought us so much closer.

I'd be really firm with your dh, and say you will go on your own if he doesn't want to go. And do it. Let him know the consequences of his behaviour on you, without getting emotional about it, if he's bad with emotions eg. don't cry or scream, but say in a calm way 'this issue in our marriage is really hurting me to the point of deep unhappiness. I'm not blaming you for it, but we need to figure out how to live with our different needs/ different ways of feeling loved'.

It can only be helpful for you to talk to a Relate person even if it is by yourself. I'm sure they will give you some tools of how you can speak to him, help him see how bad it has got for you. The thing I would not to is 'quietly put up with it' for the next 10 years. NO NO NO.

Merry I think I will seek some couselling, you;re right I can't put up with it any longer and need to work out what to do.

Re: the calm discussion, I've tried this so often to no effect that now I really do want to lose my rag and shout and cry! It's just been met with furrowed brows of "you are really weird, this is just PMT" confused looks and dismissed as a flash in the pan.

Good. Yes, do the counselling before you decide to leave. Then you have the tools for how to tell him etc., how to lay down your boundaries. And I do hope he learns how to listen...if not, well...there will be consequences which I he must be prepared to accept.

I don't think I want to leave. I want us to sort it out. But conselling is the next step...relate? Or another organisation?

Anyone who specialises in marriage guidance. Relate is probably most reasonable price-wise. We are using an aquaintance who is also a trained counsellor.

A long time ago, somebody said to me that whether or not I was being unreasonable/hypersensitive/etc, a husband who loved me (I think she said "a husband who acts like a husband") would be concerned about my feelings and interested in how to help. It was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me ... my lights seem to take a long time to come on!

Much later, I started learning about emotional abuse and realised that's what he'd been doing to me. That person's comment remains the main point, though. Even an Aspie would be concerned and would look for ways to help ... unless they simply didn't give a damn about your happiness.

Counselling: good plan. I really hope you find your way through to clarity, Red :)

Grace- whats an Aspie? Sorry not familiar with some of the terms here!

Someone with Aspergers Red.

Arrrr. Thanks.

Don't think he's on the spectrum, just being a complete tool.

I'm on both your threads at the same time . I think I've said all I can for the moment, as this needs to be your journey. Absolutely the best advice I can give you is to start counselling asap, and I also found that keeping a long running thread on here really helped me. Loads of people followed it and I was so grateful for their help.

You have to reach the point when you're ready though, I recognise myself in you - thinking I was complaining about trivial things, wondering if it really was that bad, was I giving up or being selfish? When we did split, the support was overwhelming. Turned out others had spotted it all years ago and were so pleased that I'd finally got there.