To be cross that dh expects me to pay for exactly half of household expenses when he earns twice what I do?

[theredsalamander]

Our finances are very separate. This worked fine when we were just a couple who both worked full time but now we are married with two children and I work part time to spend more time with the children I think it should change.

We've just run out of oil, (heating) and it will cost £1100 for a top up. Normal joint account balance never has enough cash for such a big payment in one go (over a year, monthly payment accumulating enough maybe). I have no savings, have very little spare cash (eg I rarely go out as I can't afford drinks/taxis/new outfit etc) but he has lots. It would take him three days work to earn enough to pay for the oil, he has enough in his account to pay for it already anyway.

His exact words "Oil is a house cost that we budgeted for and not an addition which I am happy to pay for"

Now I am rubbish with money, I will absolutely own up to that, in fact one of the reasons I am so skint is that I am trying hard to pay off a loan. Without the monthly loan payment I would be much more comfortable and would be able to contribute more to family outings trips etc- he pays for all "extra curricular" activities holidays/outings/meals out/etc, but I can't pay half of the oil cost. I do not want to "owe" him the money I want him to pay it so I am not in debt to my husband as well as the sodding bank.

AIBU? Or because I am rubbish with money is he right in not financing my obligations whilst I am paying the loan back?

I am posting this at work and wont be able to log in for a few hours but hopefully you will be able to give me some perspective on my return!

Thanks in advance.

good luck

Good luck. Fingers crossed for you that he sees reason (and justice) when it's staring him in the face.

Good luck!!!

Keep posting here if you feel up to it -- remember that NO ONE here thinks you are being unreasonable, and we are here for you.

good luck.

He is being completely unreasonable, you are not.

redsalamander, I expect that, among the other cards he intends to play now, will be the fact that you have ruined his weekend after a hard week at work with your 'demands' and 'selfishness', and he is now the injured party to whom you must make amends.

This simply is not so. And even if his argument that each person should always pay a 50% share of all expenses were reasonable, your previous history together belies this. I think he is exploiting your (understandable) wish that your children spend time being cared for by a parent to make you feel unreasonable. What if he went down to four days a week as well? Your incomes would still not be equal but at least in terms of leisure vs. work vs. childcare times your contributions would have the same number of days of each kind.

And remember this started because of a bill for a heating oil. This is a shared, household expense which - given he's so good with money - how come he did not forecast coming? How are you being 'grabby' in looking for an equitable solution to paying for such expenses? And quite frankly, how very dare he suggest he is entitled to withhold his income when one of the reasons you have debt to pay was because you didn't do the same to him in the past?

"Quint working full time at present isn't an oPtion I don't think. Ds1 is 6, ds2 is 3 and whilst they are happy at after school club/nursery on the days they are there until 6 it's a long day for them both and doesn't really feel right for our family. "

Then maybe a nanny is a good option for your family? The nanny will be with your 3 yo in the day, bring your 6 yo to and from school, take 3 yo to playgroups, and park, etc, and pick up 6yo from school, take them home, give them tea, a bath, stc....

I dont know how much a full time nanny is, but I think they take home around 2k per month? You need to pay their tax.

If YOU are currently doing all this, you are saving your family a significant amount of money.

Good luck with the talk.

How are things today, TRS?

Check out Relattionships. TRS has started a new thread on there this morning.

"I believe in marriage as an institution and the importance of this to our young family. I am not unhappy, perhaps a smidge unfulfilled at present but for me, being married means you take the rough with the smooth and just because the scales are not tipped in my favour at present does not mean I want to leave him or would seriously consider doing so. I would like to think that we will get back on a more even footing at some point but the fact that dh is emotionally rather illiterate and he takes a while to absorb new ideas, especially in connection with other people's feelings, means this is gOing to be an uphill struggle if indecide to raise this. Trying to convince him of an abstract concept that he's never considered before is going to be very tough but not impossible I hope."

Yes. I used to believe that as well.

But at our emotional expense?

I can't believe you have put up with this situation for so long. You need to check out this website to see exactly what the work you do in the home is actually worth:

www.edenprivatestaff.com/full_details_all_2.php?type=Nanny+%2F+Housekeepers+and+Housekeepers&location_2=&submit=Search+Vacancies

Tell him if he isn't going to start recognising your contribution and stump up some hard cash for it, a family court will!

This thread is 5 months old. I 'spect Abitwobblynow has too much time on her hands if she's blowing the dust off these!

Thanks for pointing that out, Collaborate.

Wobbly, you made me waste 3 minutes of my life. Wot's goin on!!!