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Original poster

To be cross that dh expects me to pay for exactly half of household expenses when he earns twice what I do?

262 replies

theredsalamander · 22/09/2011 17:05

Our finances are very separate. This worked fine when we were just a couple who both worked full time but now we are married with two children and I work part time to spend more time with the children I think it should change.

We've just run out of oil, (heating) and it will cost £1100 for a top up. Normal joint account balance never has enough cash for such a big payment in one go (over a year, monthly payment accumulating enough maybe). I have no savings, have very little spare cash (eg I rarely go out as I can't afford drinks/taxis/new outfit etc) but he has lots. It would take him three days work to earn enough to pay for the oil, he has enough in his account to pay for it already anyway.

His exact words "Oil is a house cost that we budgeted for and not an addition which I am happy to pay for"

Now I am rubbish with money, I will absolutely own up to that, in fact one of the reasons I am so skint is that I am trying hard to pay off a loan. Without the monthly loan payment I would be much more comfortable and would be able to contribute more to family outings trips etc- he pays for all "extra curricular" activities holidays/outings/meals out/etc, but I can't pay half of the oil cost. I do not want to "owe" him the money I want him to pay it so I am not in debt to my husband as well as the sodding bank.

AIBU? Or because I am rubbish with money is he right in not financing my obligations whilst I am paying the loan back?

I am posting this at work and wont be able to log in for a few hours but hopefully you will be able to give me some perspective on my return!

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
theredsalamander · 22/09/2011 21:18

Thanks Olivia mn :)

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 22/09/2011 21:20

I would go for Money Matters Olivia.

Just saying.

stripeywoollenhat · 22/09/2011 21:20

honestly, i read these threads in utter disbelief: how can you bear to live with someone who behaves like this? jesus. you put him through college, you've taken the financial hit - and i don't doubt the domestic hit - for having children and he's expecting you to get into debt to heat the house? while he continues having his 'little car habit'? what exactly do you get out of having him around? because he sounds like a shit to me.

mollymole · 22/09/2011 21:22

my old granny told me many years ago that once married
what he earns is 'ours' what she earns is 'fun money'

whilst this may not be acceptable to many i have been married many years and over the years during different periods we have earned similar amounts and on other occasions one or the other has earned much more than the other - yet at all times we have considered that all these monies are 'family income' and have NEVER had any disagrements about money

you should show your DH this thread so he can see what an arse he is

Original poster
theredsalamander · 22/09/2011 21:31

We have been together for a long time, since our teens and the way we are just is - I really don't believe that either of us has made a conscious decision to have what is really an unequal standing- it has just evolved. But now when I'd like things to change I'm not really sure how.

OP posts:
SybilBeddows · 22/09/2011 21:38

I'll tell you something - if it all went pear-shaped and you got divorced, the courts would take a view of what was yours and what was his that was not nearly so much in his favour.
Just saying.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 22/09/2011 21:41

This is how:

"The way we organise our finances is ridiculous. You are keeping all the family money to yourself and trying to split shared costs down the middle as though we are teenagers on our third date.

I would be better off if I divorced you, because I am legally entitled to half of the wealth of this family.

From now on I want us to operate joint finances like a proper couple and I don't want to be left broke while you have lots of saving of "your own".

Let's make an appointment with the bank in the morning to arrange a joint account. When is a good time for you over the next week for us to sit down and sort this out properly?"

Original poster
theredsalamander · 22/09/2011 21:44

Stripey it's easy to get a very skewed view on these threads, I appreciate that. He is not an ogre, this is just the way things have developed in our relationship. I also know that by me saying he's not an ogre everyone will think the lady doth protest too much but it's true he isn't! And btw he's never ever been fisty or physically aggressive with me or our 2 dc. I realise this will provoke a flurry or "he doesn't need to be violent to be an utter wanker" posts and that not a lot I can say will change minds made up but I am not unhappy with the way things are, I could just be happier.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 22/09/2011 21:46

Well said SheCut

DestinationUnknown · 22/09/2011 21:51

To be splitting your finances in this way is just ludicrous. If your DH earns plenty, why isn't he helping you pay down your loan??? Even more given that you incurred some of that loan through supporting him.

There is no point spending money on debt if you have spare cash. When I say "you" I of course mean the joint, household, married "you". Much more logical to pool your resources to the overall benefit of your family - seems like your DH has conveniently forgotten this - please don't let him treat you in this way.

Oakmaiden · 22/09/2011 21:56

But this is so unfair! When I first got married our finances started off in much the way yours are now - but when we had children, it just changed! Because you are now a family unit, and he is not more valuable or worth more than you. You both bring a full time commitment to the marriage, and with the greatest of respect I believe you should be sharing the finances too. And that means that you both end up with the same amount of "me money" when all household expenses are settled.

I do understand what you mean about this only being one thing - I accept that in all other ways your relationship may appear to be perfect - but golly! There is no way I would think it fair for me to have loads of spending money and for my husband to be penniless, just because he earns less than me.... (which he doesn't - speaking hypothetically!)

clam · 22/09/2011 21:57

"this is just the way things have developed in our relationship."

Well, now you've finally woken up to the injustice of it, you can sit him down and alter it.

Original poster
theredsalamander · 22/09/2011 21:58

But how do I convince him that our way is the wrong way? He does not see why he should bail me out of my self inflicted debt, not all of it was down to supporting him.

Please don't haves go at me here, I don't think I deserve a big old flaming. I've obviously been shortsighted but I'm not whining about it.

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 22/09/2011 21:58

Also - I seem to use the word "fair" a lot - and of course life isn't fair (as my mother often used to tell me) but I would have thought the one area in life we should be able to trust that both parties would strive for fairness is within a marriage.

SybilBeddows · 22/09/2011 22:02

I don't think anyone means to flame you Salamander (though as a salamander you wouldn't mind flames, surely? Wink) - people's outrage here is squarely aimed at your dh, not you. Everyone is on your side.

clam · 22/09/2011 22:03

It's the "wrong" way because it's not working for YOU and you're half of the relationship. An equal half.

I'm afraid the more you tell us about him, ("doesn't see why he should bail me out") the less I like the sound of him. Meanness is a very unattractive quality.

kat2504 · 22/09/2011 22:04

He should not necessarily be "bailing you out". You should pay your repayments out of what you have left over after making a fair contribution to the household. In this case your fair contribution will be lower than his fair contribution as you work part time and are not able to earn as much money. I think 70/30 is very fair when one of you is part time.

Oakmaiden · 22/09/2011 22:04

Ask him how he would want your finances to be arranged if he was made redundant and stayed at home with the children and you went back to work full time? Would he still think you should both contribute 50% of all costs?

If I am honest I did have a conversation with my husband (whilst in the process of changing from "your way" to the way we work now) about how if he valued me as being of equal worth to himself, then he would want our financial organisation to end with us both having an similar amount of spending money. His insistence of "I earned the money, therefore I should have most of it" indicated that he felt my contribution to the household was of less value than the money he earned. I said that a lot before he finally saw what I was getting at. It wasn't the most positive and friendly way to solve the issue though.

But in the end it might come down to simply asking him if he thinks you are equal partners in your family, or if he is more valuable than you because of his higher earning potential.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 22/09/2011 22:05

If you can't appeal to his good nature, kindness and love for you, you convince him by telling him that either he starts acting like a married man financially, or he'll be acting like a divorced man financially.

Either he willingly starts sharing family money, or you'll resort to legal means to extract it from him unwillingly.

"He does not see why he should bail me out of my self inflicted debt"

What the fuck does that have to do with him squirreling away money and then demanding you pay for half the cost of heating your home?

Is that "self-inflicted" need for warmth in winter?

YEARS AGO you were profligate, but this was WHILE you were financially supporting him, and before you had children.

The best thing for you all as a family would be for that debt to be wiped.

He's like some mad German chancellor insisting on austerity punishment for irresponsible southern European countries.

How can he love you and be so mean? I can't even begin to imagine wanting to treat my DH like he is treating you. It's so demeaning and unpleasant.

kat2504 · 22/09/2011 22:06

Also if you were not being forced to make such an unfair contribution you would have more spare cash to get out of debt more quickly and he would not be able to keep using this against you.

trixymalixy · 22/09/2011 22:08

His exact words "Oil is a house cost that we budgeted for and not an addition which I am happy to pay for"

Not an ogre?!?!?!?!

I'm gobsmacked that he is quibbling over a basic, especially as from what you have said you jointly under budgeted for heating oil.

The loan is a joint debt, why are you being punished for it?!?!?!

niceday · 22/09/2011 22:27

I agree he should not bail you out... He should repay his family loan in full!!!!!!! It's not a favorto you, it's a debt of his family.

So if you are generally happy with him, and the money matters are leftovers from the teenage years, then start - as you do - with your mindset. Stop seeing the loan as your debt. Stop thinking you are bad with money, just become a bit better.
You had to have breaks to have children, that has affected your earning potential. Now you work part time to look after dc. So as your dc are his, in the same way his income is yours. And don't forget that your love for him helps him to be successful too!
Once you see things this way you will think, act and talk to him differently, then his picture may change hopefully.

Good luck

JulesJules · 22/09/2011 22:28

Hmm.

I share the incredulity of the majority of posters. DH read this thread and put it more succinctly - "What a knob"

kat2504 · 22/09/2011 22:29

Right I didn't realise that the loan was a joint debt. This is even worse than it sounded before! He is being a total arse. And I would be suspicious of someone who sponged off me and left me penniless while accumulating vast wealth of his own. Very suspicious.

josephinebonaparte · 23/09/2011 07:16

What a shithead.