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Original poster

Contact - father has failed to return my DS today

170 replies

mumofthreesweeties · 27/08/2010 17:30

Dear All,

I urgently need some help please. My DS was supposed to be returned today from two weeks at his fathers but I have tried ringing him, texting him but no reply. I have been waiting all day for him to return him or contact me to say things had changed. There is some history to this but surely he cant just decide to do this. I know my son will be upset about this as he has football practise tomorrow and he was eager to join the league which he will now miss so I know he will be upset about that too. We were married and are now divorced. Please can you let me know what I can do about this, can I call the police at all or have to go to court. Are there any open over the weekend. God I am so stressed.

Thank you for reading

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 01/09/2010 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cestlavielife · 01/09/2010 14:30

well done.
you need to identify local contact centres and ask what controls they have eg signing children in and out, only letting them leave with appointed person etc. they are different and ahve diffrent levels of supervision - not ideal for older children but as a safe place for them to meet chat etc fine - try national association contact centres and local cafcass office to idenitfy locations.

if private arrangement then supervised would cost you a lot...

presumably at next hearing anyway cafcass will get invovled anyway as you can identify concern over your child's well being?

you could also be proactive in going to GP and ask for referral to family therapist so you and son could go and talk thru what has happened and his feelings about his dad etc.

arfarfa · 01/09/2010 16:45

What an absolutely awful few days you and your son have been put through. Fantastic news that you appear to be getting back to normal now.
When one parent seeks to control and manipulate the arrangements following separation, this is unfortunately what tends to happen.
I normally would not wish this country's Family Law system on anybody, but it sounds as though your ex deserves it.

Aitch · 01/09/2010 17:22

well done on keeping a cool head to get him back, the fact that you fought and fought will stand him in good stead emotionally, i am sure. so glad he's with you.

mathanxiety · 01/09/2010 17:27

So good your DS is home. You did a brilliant job. Give him a big hug. He's been through so much.

Just want to add the email should only be considered an extra serving, not the primary method of serving. Proof of service cannot be shown with email. Best to use it as an adjunct, or a courtesy copy.

See if you can meet with a McKenzie Friend in the courthouse to ask about the next element of the process.

You have a prize specimen on your hands. Wishing you all the best but please don't waste time or energy on questions like this 'If I was such an awful parent why didnt he go through the right channels and ask for residence.' He thinks he is not accountable to anyone, that's why, and that he can make up one set of rules for him and one for everyone else. When you get the orders, he will be answerable to the courts and there are consequences for non-compliance. Don't hesitate to go back even after your arrangements have the stamp of the court because he will probably try to rattle the bars of the cage.

Original poster
mumofthreesweeties · 01/09/2010 18:38

Another update all: ex left five messages on my phone with the final one after DC had been picked up stressing how shit I was (excuse the language) and that I had removed DC from him unwillingly (laughable really) given what he did. Then he threatened me with all sorts and that from this point onwards he would make my life a misery and that I should watch out. He then said that he would NEVER EVER speak with me about our DC again. He also stressed that you are now happy because you can keep on claiming money from me, clearly reinforcing that keeping my DC was to enable him stopping to pay CS and he was hoping to then claim more from me - so I hope he hadnt cancelled his direct debit to CSA!! How can someone be so motivated by money?

Thank you Cestlavielife for suggesting a gp referral for a therapist for my DC - will certainly do that as he has clearly been traumatised by it all. He has expressly stated that he does not wish to see his father again and I just ran a couple of options for him such as indirect contact or supervised and he stressed that no contact for a while and then maybe indirect, graduating to supervised - but never to go to their house ever again.

Babybarrister, thank you again for your expertise. Will I be able to explain this all to a judge on Friday and to play the messages in court. I really feel as if I need an injunction too against him because the anger and tone of his voice was pretty scary tbh.

Mathanxiety - you are spot on about not wasting my energy on such questions. He is deluded enough to think that he is not accountable to anyone just because he is the father

Thank you all for your support....

OP posts:
CarGirl · 01/09/2010 18:45

Flippen heck your ex really is quite crazy. Your poor ds he sounds absolutely terrified. How far away does your ex live?

Original poster
mumofthreesweeties · 01/09/2010 18:56

ok, last update I promise just googled the school my DC was supposed to be going to and it is a school in special measures - wtf

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 01/09/2010 19:02

I don't understand how someone ever thinks that raising a child is financially better than giving someone else 25% (that's what it is isn't it?) of your income to raise them for you. Stupid twat knows he's completely arsed things up and is lashing out like a dying thing. I doubt you have anything to fear on Friday - he's putting the nails in the coffin of his contact every time he threatens you.

Your poor DS (again) - give him a big squeeze from all of us won't you?

Original poster
mumofthreesweeties · 01/09/2010 19:03

CarGirl approx 250 miles away.

OP posts:
mummytime · 01/09/2010 19:04

Is your son back at school this week or next? Whichever, do let the school know what has been happening. Returning to school as normal will be reassuring for your son, but the school do need to be prepared so they can support him as/if necessary.

I am so pleased for what you have achieved so far!

Original poster
mumofthreesweeties · 01/09/2010 19:07

Will certainly give him massive squeezes from you all. I just feel so sorry for my DC. He was even shown the letter from the CSA detailing how much he should pay and told my DC that they could be saving that money for his university (as if) and also that it reinforced how much of a cow I am. My poor DC, he was telling me how he just couldn't believe that his dad would stoop so low

OP posts:
CarGirl · 01/09/2010 19:07

LadyBiscuit it's only 15% anyway!

As your ex lives 250 miles away then clearly it can only be holiday visits and if your ds doesn't want to go then skype may be the way to go for a while.

LadyBiscuit · 01/09/2010 19:15

15% makes even less sense. The man is clearly bonkers.

Original poster
mumofthreesweeties · 01/09/2010 19:18

Ladybiscuit - I am in stitches at the image of 'lashing out like a dying thing.'

OP posts:
mamas12 · 01/09/2010 19:21

Been a lurker but had to say well done
You have been a star for your son. He will be forever grateful to you.

I also welled up reading the update.

And well done for this site too for without people like babybarrister et al and then you accessing all this info and support it's fantastic.
I salute mn

LadyBiscuit · 01/09/2010 19:22

Oh good :) glad I've made you laugh

Original poster
mumofthreesweeties · 01/09/2010 19:34

mamas12 you are right about mn being fantastic. Honestly had it not been for you guys on here I would have never even had the courage to go through with it, and babybarrister has been absolutely brilliant - where else would I even have known about there being out of hour judges etc. I will forever be grateful to you all for being so magnificent

Ladybiscuit - it is high time I started laughing again...

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 01/09/2010 20:05

He's mad about the money not because of the actual amount but because Someone Else has ordered it to be paid. It seems to rub him up the wrong way to have anyone tell him how to conduct his affairs.

I would be very inclined to go for that injunction if I were you. He needs to be brought up short. Fight fire with fire. Reality will eventually sink in; he won't like it one bit and it will be very unpleasant.

I would warn the school about the situation too, and get there early for pickup every day.

RunawayWife · 01/09/2010 20:48

glad he is home, hope all goes well Friday

Honeydragon · 01/09/2010 21:10

Thrilled for you both will still be thinking of you. My ds is 7 too and has been having a lot of extra squeezes this w/e - and well done to all the sterling and generous Mumsnet legal eagles who have come to the fore. Truely this is a brilliant forum at times.

I am sure as long as your son knows he has you there will be no lasting damage, keep him close as long as he needs you too Smile.

mumoverseas · 01/09/2010 22:30

just got a just to read your update and so pleased you were successful, well done you (and of course babybarrister) Wink
Of course you will be anxious on Friday with him being there but just remain cool, calm and collected and you will be fine. You may even find he doesn't turn up. It won't be the first time that has happened. I've known a few cases where the ex's haven't turned up as they have realised that they had a snowballs chance in hell (clearly non-legal terminology) Grin

I hope that your son is ok and that this does not affect him long term. good luck with his school too.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2010 23:20

Great news, well done. You should be able to get an anti-molestation order against XP as well as he has threatened you - don't be afraid to hit this stupid tosspot with everything available.

babybarrister · 02/09/2010 06:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pumperspumpkin · 02/09/2010 09:34

So pleased for you and I am in awe of how well you've done representing yourself (I'm a solicitor but not in family law and the thought of battling through the unknown courts scares me!). Hope all goes well on Friday and will be watching for further news.

And your DS sounds like a great boy and very brave through such a horrible experience. You've clearly done a fab job there.