Page 5 | Having a third that husband doesn't want

baboon2 · 2024-05-06T18:04:50+00:00

I have recently found out I'm expecting baby no3. Husband really doesn't want another. He's stopped talking to me until I see 'sense'. He's said some pretty nasty stuff that I don't want to go into detail and I feel like this could break us. I have always wanted a third and it's never been a secret, I want to keep the baby but husband feels i am being selfish and doesn't think we will be ok financially. We are currently in a two bed house but are not in a position to move as youngest is only in nursery two days a week and we have no other childcare. So I'm not back to work properly yet. I don't want any negativity I just want to ask if anyone else is in/been in a similar situation and can share your experience etc. Please be nice.

Totorooooo · 07/05/2024 13:19

gamerchick · 06/05/2024 21:55

Then why wasn't he using condoms?

It's a bit rich to bang on but not take responsibility.

You have a choice. Do it solo or resent him for making you terminate and end up going solo anyway. I'm sorry man.

Edited

Show quote history

This is the answer, really. He didn’t want another baby but didn’t do everything he could have to prevent it.
He missed his chance this time around but could still be proactive in making sure it doesn’t happen again.

Of course there is a time limit on the decision making for you now.
3 kids and hope he loves it once it arrives?
3 kids and his resentment makes him leave?
2 kids and fall out of love with him for forcing a termination?

Your choice is hard, but his is simple! Snip snip ✂️

GingerPirate · 07/05/2024 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not really a popcorn material.
Your poor husband.

timewach · 07/05/2024 16:07

GingerPirate · 07/05/2024 16:05

Not really a popcorn material.
Your poor husband.

Show quote history

I dont have a husband.

ClonedSquare · 07/05/2024 16:30

The people saying "well he should have had a vasectomy"- is this genuinely how you treat all disagreements in your relationships? One person wants something the other doesn't, so the person who wants it goes ahead unless the other physically makes it impossible? That's a very unhealthy attitude to have.

OP is just as in the wrong as her husband here. If they both want incompatible things, this situation needed resolving when they realised that. Not bury their heads in the sand until crisis point. Either they needed to split up, or they needed to agree whose side they were committing to. Now everyone has been forced into a stressful and unhappy situation with no happy solution.

(This assumes this pregnancy is a genuine contraceptive fail. If OP was vile enough to baby trap her husband or he was stupid enough to knowingly be having unprotected sex then that changes things).

Playingintheshadow · 07/05/2024 16:57

HeresMyBreakdown · 06/05/2024 21:49

What did you think a third baby would give you that the two others haven't already?

It looks like now it might give you longer unemployment and lower eventual job prospects (due to being out of work for longer), poorer pension provision (due to being out of work for longer), your OH more financial stress (due to you being out of work for longer and the additional costs of another child) and a poorer family dynamic emotionally and financially (due to one parent not wanting the child and the other children having to see one parent less because he is out trying to financially compensate for increase in children or them having less because of increase costs and same financial restraints)?

Is that what you were expecting?

A third child is another whole human being to love and cherish. It's a ridiculous premise to think that anyone would have a 3rd baby because there was something lacking in the first two!!!

And what about the mental cost to the OP if she is forced into a termination she doesn't want to have?

Playingintheshadow · 07/05/2024 17:03

Potnoodlesarentantisocial · 06/05/2024 21:52

There are lots of people that have babies for benefits. For social housing. With parents having little interest in them. That's awful.

To say OPs child will be unloved and live in poverty is too much. OP said they can't upsize NOW due to nursery costs, not that they can't ever upsize.

OP is pregnant. She wants this baby. People here are telling her the baby will be unloved and unhappy. That must be really hard for her to hear. Sorry OP, but this is clearly not the place for support. I hope your DH will be able to provide the support you need. Please don't take nasty comments into heart, these people don't know you or your life situation (apart from two bed house) and it's easy for them to make some snarky comments not thinking of the impact it will have on you. They'll forget about this thread two minutes after posting and go on to live their lives while you'll likely be playing those words in your head over and over. Don't take this into heart 💜

Show quote history

Couldn't agree more!

HeresMyBreakdown · 07/05/2024 17:18

Playingintheshadow · 07/05/2024 16:57

A third child is another whole human being to love and cherish. It's a ridiculous premise to think that anyone would have a 3rd baby because there was something lacking in the first two!!!

And what about the mental cost to the OP if she is forced into a termination she doesn't want to have?

Show quote history

I'm pretty sure that a divorce will take a bigger toll on the family.
It's ridiculous/stupid to put fluffy clouds around the issues and ignore them.
Not sure if it is OP as is under a different username, but there is on the pregnancy forum someone asking for advice in the exact same scenario that has given some more details and there are plenty of people who have made the same choice.

peacefull · 07/05/2024 17:31

GingerPirate · 07/05/2024 16:05

Not really a popcorn material.
Your poor husband.

Show quote history

Whats the point of that comment 😂

I dont have a husband either have some 🍿

Playingintheshadow · 07/05/2024 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

How tone deaf can you be!!!

timewach · 07/05/2024 17:34

Playingintheshadow · 07/05/2024 17:32

How tone deaf can you be!!!

Show quote history

I was born deaf so yeah im 100% tone deaf.
You are right on that lol😆

JadeSheep · 07/05/2024 17:35

HeresMyBreakdown · 07/05/2024 17:18

I'm pretty sure that a divorce will take a bigger toll on the family.
It's ridiculous/stupid to put fluffy clouds around the issues and ignore them.
Not sure if it is OP as is under a different username, but there is on the pregnancy forum someone asking for advice in the exact same scenario that has given some more details and there are plenty of people who have made the same choice.

Show quote history

Dunno. If I felt pressured into an abortion and went through with it, I don't know if I could love my husband any more. That's a possible divorce either way

Playingintheshadow · 07/05/2024 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Playingintheshadow · 07/05/2024 17:42

timewach · 07/05/2024 17:34

I was born deaf so yeah im 100% tone deaf.
You are right on that lol😆

Show quote history

This is someone's life you are being totally cavalier towards. Not nice.

timewach · 07/05/2024 17:44

Playingintheshadow · 07/05/2024 17:42

This is someone's life you are being totally cavalier towards. Not nice.

Show quote history

Simply Stop quoting me then.

Playingintheshadow · 07/05/2024 17:48

HeresMyBreakdown · 07/05/2024 17:18

I'm pretty sure that a divorce will take a bigger toll on the family.
It's ridiculous/stupid to put fluffy clouds around the issues and ignore them.
Not sure if it is OP as is under a different username, but there is on the pregnancy forum someone asking for advice in the exact same scenario that has given some more details and there are plenty of people who have made the same choice.

Show quote history

If having this baby leads to divorce then it wasn't a particularly strong marriage in the first place.

I think the blatant disregard for the OP's feelings and the the flippant pressure on her to terminate her wanted pregnancy is quite shocking. Absolutely a woman should be able to terminate a pregnancy she doesn't want or can't continue with for whatever reason. But the chorus of "just get rid of it" is quite shocking. The genie is out of the bottle - this baby exists. So many women have had unplanned pregnancies and have just got on with it.

Since when have foetuses become so casually disposable?

timewach · 07/05/2024 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not surprising he died before he could propose.😥

Playingintheshadow · 07/05/2024 17:49

timewach · 07/05/2024 17:44

Simply Stop quoting me then.

Show quote history

I will quote you if I wish - I want to draw attention to the nastiness of posting popcorn on a thread where a woman is in anguish.

JadeSheep · 07/05/2024 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That's nasty and bang out of order! You have no idea about this persons life!!

JadeSheep · 07/05/2024 17:53

@timewach You're bang out of order with the popcorn also.

@Playingintheshadow The pair of you need to quit it.

timewach · 07/05/2024 17:53

JadeSheep · 07/05/2024 17:50

That's nasty and bang out of order! You have no idea about this persons life!!

Show quote history

No please let her carry on .
No one knows what one as gone through in life she wasnt to know was she.
All this over popcorn because i didnt know what to type due to some not nice comments on here already.

caringcarer · 07/05/2024 17:59

Greywitch2 · 06/05/2024 19:51

No use crying over spilt milk. You are having a third baby so you'll have to manage.

There is no point him being nasty about it. He should have made absolutely certain that you didn't get pregnant if he didn't want another child. Vasectomy was always an option if he was that adamant.

Don't be pushed into an abortion you don't want. Just say to him 'that isn't an option and I'm not prepared to even discuss it'.

This. If DH was certain he didn't want anymore DC then he should have got a vasectomy. Don't let him pressure you into an abortion. One of my sisters got pregnant unexpectedly. Her DH wasn't thrilled but they decided now my sister was pregnant they would try to be positive. After the baby was born they were both besotted with him. He's grown up now, his Dad died when he was 6. The baby was born on Xmas Eve and his Dad always said he was his best ever Xmas present. My sister brought ds up and he's very close to her now. They never regretted having him.

Potnoodlesarentantisocial · 07/05/2024 18:06

timewach · 07/05/2024 17:53

No please let her carry on .
No one knows what one as gone through in life she wasnt to know was she.
All this over popcorn because i didnt know what to type due to some not nice comments on here already.

Show quote history

You were our of order with that though and the fact there were some nasty comments here already is not an excuse.

I doubt you'd enjoy people making fun when you're in a truly complicated situation, all stressed out.

GingerPirate · 07/05/2024 18:12

timewach · 07/05/2024 16:07

I dont have a husband.

Show quote history

Sorry, not yours. 😁

mydogisthebest · 07/05/2024 18:35

Why do you feel the need for a 3rd child? Why are so many people not content with 2?

Having 3 is much more expense and, in my view, one always seems to be left out

Playingintheshadow · 07/05/2024 18:56

mydogisthebest · 07/05/2024 18:35

Why do you feel the need for a 3rd child? Why are so many people not content with 2?

Having 3 is much more expense and, in my view, one always seems to be left out

That's not the case at all. I have three and no-one has ever been "left out"! Why not want three? Why should you have to be "content with 2"? Why did you want to have a second? Why not stop at one? Or none?!