Having a third that husband doesn't want

[baboon2]

I have recently found out I'm expecting baby no3. Husband really doesn't want another. He's stopped talking to me until I see 'sense'.
He's said some pretty nasty stuff that I don't want to go into detail and I feel like this could break us.
I have always wanted a third and it's never been a secret, I want to keep the baby but husband feels i am being selfish and doesn't think we will be ok financially.
We are currently in a two bed house but are not in a position to move as youngest is only in nursery two days a week and we have no other childcare. So I'm not back to work properly yet.
I don't want any negativity I just want to ask if anyone else is in/been in a similar situation and can share your experience etc.
Please be nice.

Your body your choice.

Your choice may result in you being a single mother to 3.
Your situation doesn't sound ideal to add another baby into. The housing situation will need to be sorted etc.

We're you using contractors or 'forgot' to take a pill. That will play a huge part in whether DH is being unreasonable.

Contraception. Not contractors 😂🙈

That was a pretty harsh post, but you’re not exactly correct either. The baby is very much unwanted by its father, and I think more likely than unlikely for it to suffer repercussions just from its existence. What’s the worst case scenario here? Is your oh likely to leave you over this? Will you be able to stay in your current house and support the 3 children?

The baby isn't unwanted - the mother wants it.

I agree!

Being badgering into an abortion she doesn't want won't exactly be conducive to OP's relationship either.

Oh that's ok then,

That's a bit of a stretch! Just because he doesn't want the baby now, doesn't mean he won't love it when the child is here! This situation isn't personal to you.

What happened contraception wise?

How many women bring kids into the world thinking the dad will 'learn to love it'. Ffs I despair.

You must have overlooked that OP asked him to get the snip and he couldn't be bothered.

I am pro-choice but it's not a choice I could ever have seen myself making. I'd have hated being pushed into a termination and I don't think I could ever have got over that.

Go on, despair away - this isn't you.

What is more important to you, your DH or another baby? I suspect you may well not end up with both.

There is no way I’d ever entertain having a child that we both didn’t agree to have.

I have to say I agree. It’s selfish to have a third child that you don’t have space for and can’t afford just because you want one. It’s not fair on your husband or on your future child or on your existing children.

Fed up of people who say ‘you’ll make it work’ when there are enough miserable unloved impoverished children around to demonstrably prove that false…

@Playingintheshadow

It is though. Do you think I'd have such a strong feeling about a subject that hasn't directly impacted me for my entire life. I know I am not these people but I have a lot of experience in living with the outcome of these type of decisions and what comes after.

I'll bow out now so please stop quoting me.

@Eigen some sense spoken at last.

Oh I love this. He wouldn’t take responsibility for his fertility, and now wants you to sort his mess out. Nice.

'enough' space or 'enough' money is just a modern construct. Obviously kids don't need their own bedrooms to be happy and healthy.

I would never hoodwink my OH into having a baby he didn't want but if there was a genuine accident then I would 100% expect him to support me having the child. If he felt that strongly about not having one he should have been abstaining or he should have had the snip.

People are very harsh here OP.

I believe you can make it work as long DH is on board and it's possible he will feel different once the initial shock is over.

I know people with three kids in two beds and they're happy. You can upsize later once you're out of nursery stage. Life changes constantly. Either of you can get a better job in the future, you might move to a cheaper area etc, a lot can happen.

In the meantime, I'd watch lots of YouTube videos on maximising small space, decluttering etc.

Everything will be okay ❤️

2 to 3 is not the same as 1 to 2. You will need a bigger house, car, size of rooms on holiday, family tickets at attractions are often for two kids, the list goes on.

I agree with your husband but also think he should have got that snip

What did you think a third baby would give you that the two others haven't already?

It looks like now it might give you longer unemployment and lower eventual job prospects (due to being out of work for longer), poorer pension provision (due to being out of work for longer), your OH more financial stress (due to you being out of work for longer and the additional costs of another child) and a poorer family dynamic emotionally and financially (due to one parent not wanting the child and the other children having to see one parent less because he is out trying to financially compensate for increase in children or them having less because of increase costs and same financial restraints)?

Is that what you were expecting?

katebushh My husband and I agreed to try for a third, although it was more my desire than his. I got pregnant the first month. The day I found out, he came to me first and said he'd been thinking and we were happy as we were and we should stick at two, he was worried about finances. I told him I was pregnant and he said okay then, but he was very disengaged from the pregnancy, we didn't really discuss it, he didn't come to any scans which he had with the first two. Money was very very tight, we itemised every thing we bought. I thought this baby is mine, I'll get up in the night without any expectations from him etc.
However of course when baby was born everything changed, he was absolutely my dh's world as much as the other two. They have had a great relationship and he's so proud of him now as a 20 year old. He didn't want the pregnancy but I would never mention that to him, he loves all three children the same. Human emotions are complex and while the baby wasn't there he was worried about money, once baby arrived obviously we were still stretched but he wouldn't regret baby or change how our family grew.

We are four in a two bed house and it wouldn't be 'ok' with a third child. It's crammed and stressful in the winter when you're stuck inside. When kids are older they need privacy. You can split a room for two but not three.

I think people are being more realistic than harsh.

There are lots of people that have babies for benefits. For social housing. With parents having little interest in them. That's awful.

To say OPs child will be unloved and live in poverty is too much. OP said they can't upsize NOW due to nursery costs, not that they can't ever upsize.

OP is pregnant. She wants this baby. People here are telling her the baby will be unloved and unhappy. That must be really hard for her to hear. Sorry OP, but this is clearly not the place for support. I hope your DH will be able to provide the support you need. Please don't take nasty comments into heart, these people don't know you or your life situation (apart from two bed house) and it's easy for them to make some snarky comments not thinking of the impact it will have on you. They'll forget about this thread two minutes after posting and go on to live their lives while you'll likely be playing those words in your head over and over. Don't take this into heart 💜