Having a third that husband doesn't want

[baboon2]

I have recently found out I'm expecting baby no3. Husband really doesn't want another. He's stopped talking to me until I see 'sense'.
He's said some pretty nasty stuff that I don't want to go into detail and I feel like this could break us.
I have always wanted a third and it's never been a secret, I want to keep the baby but husband feels i am being selfish and doesn't think we will be ok financially.
We are currently in a two bed house but are not in a position to move as youngest is only in nursery two days a week and we have no other childcare. So I'm not back to work properly yet.
I don't want any negativity I just want to ask if anyone else is in/been in a similar situation and can share your experience etc.
Please be nice.

She said she can't upsize NOW, not ever.

Talk of a "modern construct" isn't very helpful here. The child won't be living in the 1800s. An extra bedroom is only the most basic test of affordability. How about affording activities that develop the child's skills and interests, support at university, help with a deposit? No, it's not essential but it's the kind of thing that good parents think about when deciding how many kids they can afford.

I have a friend whose husband was absolutely furious when she got pregnant with number 3 and wanted her to abort. 16 years have passed and it has turned out OK. He loves the third child the same as the first 2. So it can turn out OK, but not necessarily.

Did you have a contraception failure?

Everything will be okay ❤️

Maybe not. Wishful thinking isn't a great life strategy. The OP has freedom of choice but needs to see things realistically, not just close her eyes and hope for the best.

Then why wasn't he using condoms?

It's a bit rich to bang on but not take responsibility.

You have a choice. Do it solo or resent him for making you terminate and end up going solo anyway. I'm sorry man.

It really depends on how much effort you put into making this happen and how much effort he put into preventing it. He should have had the vasectomy by rights but if this was more than an accident on your end, that's equally not right.

As others have said, you're at a stalemate now because regardless of what you do, there will be resentment somewhere. It also sounds like your husband is thinking with his head and you with your heart.

It will be very difficult to get onto the same page OP so it might be time to start planning for separation/coparenting.

Potnoodlesarentantisocial that's a very kind post.

Thankyou for all of your kind words ❤️

I was in your DH’s situation once as my husband wanted a third child and I didn’t. I can completely understand your husband’s viewpoint.
Parents have to agree on such a big decision. Yours made it clear and hasn’t altered his opinion. If he’s like me, he won’t change.
Just who is to blame for the accident is irrelevant.
OP listen carefully to him for the sake of everyone concerned - your husband and your two children.

My point is that it is arbitrary. I know a family who have 5 kids (and lots of space) - the kids all choose to sleep in the same room because they love it.

...support at university, help with a deposit? No, it's not essential but it's the kind of thing that good parents think about when deciding how many kids they can afford.

I don't know where to start with this. Are you honestly saying that in order to be a 'good parent' you need to be able to support your kids at uni and help them with a deposit? I don't have the stats but I would assume that rules about 80% of people out from having kids.

OP lives in a 2 bed house, it could be that there is no uni help or house deposits coming the way of the children she has got - should she not have had them?

Every time a man ejaculates inside a woman he is consenting to becoming a father. Have your child. Your dh is insufferable--he won't get a vasectomy, but he's okay with forcing his life partner to terminate a child she wants, likely causing her deep emotional pain. Awful, selfish twat.

Nowhere on this thread thus far has op said he wasn't.

No, the OP has been very careful to avoid mentioning contraception

Exactly.
My parents could only help me with uni a little and didn't help me with deposit.

If anything, it motivated me to work hard and achieve my goals. It turned me into an independent person. I never saw them as bad parents because I always knew they would do anything for us.

I agree. I wouldn't be aborting a child I wanted for the sake of this guy who couldn't be arsed to get the snip.

Why haven't you explained what happened or didn't happen with contraception? Could you have got the morning after pill if it was a known contraceptive failure? Did you tell him you were on the pill? Were you both reckless and using the pull out method? You're right- he should have had a vasectomy but I'm wondering if there's more detail behind his anger than you've told us.

I do understand that you long for a third baby, but there is a huge burden for a third child, even it seems nothing while while stay at home, it changes as the child grows and need for space / extra funds is inevitable.
It is a join decision and it can cause a lot of resentment either way, but having a child - it can't be undone.
Hope you will resolve this peacefully.

There are so many bitter women on MN.. they will latch on to anything in order to hate men. It's frightening. OP... did you get pregnant on purpose? If you did then he is understandably angry and he is right to be. If your marriage is strong in all other areas you will most likely get through this but it's risky behaviour on your part. Personally I found going from 2-3 easier than going from 1-2 and if they are all similar age it won't take long until they are all playing together. But I have a supportive husband who wanted the 3rd and helps a lot. Keep trying to talk to him.

This was me a long time ago. We were discussing three, I always wanted three, had an accident and I couldn’t terminate and was prepared to face any consequences. I went through with the pregnancy fully knowing that this could end our marriage.

We also live in a small home. Still do.

It was a traumatising pregnancy. It nearly broke me and us. There has been a rift in the marriage for a few years afterwards. But we made it through.

Every relationship and situation is different though. The worst thing is that there’s no clear cut winner of the argument whether to have the third or not when the husband is against it. It’s a catch 22 discussion where every arguments go in circles.

For example: I was called selfish for having the baby but could turn the argument back and call my DH selfish for not standing by us. Or I was ‘ruining my two kids lives by having the baby’ but he was ‘ruining the two existing kids lives by insisting on a termination that will make their mother depressed’. I was seriously worried about becoming a shell of myself had I gone through with a termination of a wanted pregnancy.

we went to a couple session at Marie Stopes which I recommend you do. The counsellor said that she can’t see a solution for us as we both were so determined to get our way and she said that it’s really sad because she can see that we clearly love each other.

we went to an abortion clinic but I broke down.
I also went to get advice from a divorce lawyer at one point.

My DHs parents went berserk and bullied me to abort. They even called my parents so that I come to my senses. I felt like I had to steel myself every day for an onslaught whilst being strong for my two kids. DH also moved out for two weeks (on middle child’s 2nd birthday) it was a truly horrible experience. the birth was also traumatic and without DHs support. I almost died having to have a crash GA section.

We managed to put it behind us.

And it ended happily in our case: DH came round and loves and adores DC3 and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Well, this is my story. what are you leaning towards?

HeresMyBreakdown · Yesterday 21:49
What did you think a third baby would give you that the two others haven't already”

Well yes, this. What happens if you want a fourth?

What contraception were you using? Does your dh think he has been tricked?

If you want this baby don't let anonymous people on the internet talk you out of it. A baby isn't a commodity. I'm not saying this won't potentially put strain on your marriage, but taking the circumstances out on the baby isn't the answer i.e. the only solution isn't that the baby doesn't get to live.

I'm happy I wasn't aborted like my mum's other pregnancies though - so it's just your personal opinion

It does sound like your husband is right tbh. Just because you want another baby doesn’t mean you should. I really wouldn’t want my 3 kids in 1 bedroom.