Having a third that husband doesn't want

[baboon2]

I have recently found out I'm expecting baby no3. Husband really doesn't want another. He's stopped talking to me until I see 'sense'.
He's said some pretty nasty stuff that I don't want to go into detail and I feel like this could break us.
I have always wanted a third and it's never been a secret, I want to keep the baby but husband feels i am being selfish and doesn't think we will be ok financially.
We are currently in a two bed house but are not in a position to move as youngest is only in nursery two days a week and we have no other childcare. So I'm not back to work properly yet.
I don't want any negativity I just want to ask if anyone else is in/been in a similar situation and can share your experience etc.
Please be nice.

If he would not put himself through the minor medical procedure of a vasectomy, he can't expect you to go through the physical and emotional ordeal of having an abortion.

He's entitled to be upset and feel how he feels, but when it comes to abortion it's your body, your choice.

Would he leave you if you go ahead with this pregnancy? You really need to look at the bigger picture and consider what is best for your other children. Not just follow what your body is programmed to want.

Could you cope with 3 on your own? Do you have a good support network around you? Or is your DH the only support - practically and financially - you have? If it is the latter, then you can't just dismiss his opinion on this. You need his support.

I know a family where this happened except it was the 4th child and they didn’t have money problems. I think he suspected she fell pregnant on purpose to force his hand. Anyway now they are very acrimoniously divorced. Interestingly the kids are all closer with the dad so it only wrecked the marriage not his relationship with his kids. I think they would have ended up divorced regardless but this issue was the tipping point.

He won't have the snip, but he wants to put you through an abortion? He's utterly selfish.

I wanted a third child but my husband didn't . I was old enough to know how to not get pregnant if it wasn't agreed . You don't say how you got pregnant but it's so much of a coincidence he obviously trusted you as you do with a person you meant to trust most in the world .
In my opinion what you have done is unforgiveable you seem to to have put your own wants against the needs of the whole family .
How will any of this affect your kids that already are here ?

He's responsible as well- he's clearly had poorly protected/ unprotected sex and this is the consequence. He doesn't want the consequences, you do. He never wanted a third, you do. 3 kids when you only have a 2 bedroom house would stress me out too, but his choice was during the act. You've decided that you will have the child, he needs to either get on board, or he'll resent it so much and leave. You can't make him be happy to have a child he doesn't want, but he'll either come around or that'll be a seperate issue.

It’s lucky that it ended well for you. Sadly, that’s not always the case, and there’s no way of knowing how it will end for the OP.

Far too often we see posts from women who either want another child but their DP doesn’t, or has become pregnant despite their DP not wanting another child. Their DP wants a termination, the OP doesn’t.
Then we get lots of posts telling the OP ‘her body, her choice’ and ‘he should have taken precautions if he didn’t want a baby’. Both of those statements are true. What is also true is, where a woman knows her DP doesn’t want a baby, why has SHE not taken precautions herself? Her desire for a baby shouldn’t supersede his desire NOT to have one. There’s something fundamentally wrong with a relationship when the decision as to when or indeed whether to even have children cannot be agreed on.
Children are not accessories, they are real live humans whose lives will be impacted by decisions made that they have no control over. Deciding on whether to have a termination or not when the father has said he doesn’t want another child will generally impact on only 1 person - the mother. Deciding on keeping the baby in such circumstances will impact everyone - particularly the children they already have. You can dress it up however you want, but a 3rd child in a family that is financially struggling already will put more strain on everyone for a very long time.

What contraception were you using? If a condom split did neither of you notice?
If you weren’t using any….then he’s shit out of luck really.

He should get a vasectomy if he doesn’t want anymore kids, he’s not helpless here.

However I really do believe that a baby is a joint decision, I’d be pretty upset if DH made a decision that would significantly impact our lives without consulting me.

I would never tell a woman to get an abortion she doesn’t want but equally there is nothing to say that everything will be fine and that your husband will eventually be happy (ofcourse he could have got a vasectomy to minimise the risk). Only you know how much upheaval you are happy to face in order to have this baby. I would say though that five people in a 2 bed house is going to feel very overcrowded very fast and it’s not a decision I would make for my family.

@Greywitch2 i hear what you are saying in that no one should be pushed into having an abortion. Totally agree.

However @baboon2 in this economy and with you not working as much and your housing space i honestly can empathise with your husband. I would be absolutely terrified of an unplanned pregnancy in that situation.

Your post (no offense intended) does come across a bit “well i have always wanted one and he should just be ok with it”.
I dont think that is fair.

Have you really stopped to engage with and empathise with his concerns?

Best of luck with it all.

If you feel this could break you and your husband I would think long and hard about what you want the future to look like both for your marriage and for your existing children who surely take precedence over this pregnancy.

If he was absolutely determined not to have a third child he had an easy solution. He wouldn't even have the snip.

What she is done is unforgivable? What exactly? Not taking sole responsibility for contraception?

You don't say how you got pregnant
I guess I could be wrong but I suppose it was something to do with him putting his dick in her and ejaculating without protection.

This thread is horrible with all the coercive 'abort, abort if you love your children'.
Is it 'my body, my choice' but only if you have an abortion? Calling the OP 'unforgivable'?!
@bluetopazlove you do know you need the sperm from a daddy before the mummy gets a baby in her tummy?...

Your body, your choice.

You need to decide what you want and if you feel you can juggle it all if you did have to do it solo.

Our 3rd my husband was not keen on having at the time, our relationship and finances were strained but we made it work. We have 6 kids now and he'd have more if I was willing. His not so nice comments back then were out of fear of how hard things could be but it wasn't as bad as he expected.

I do agree with this, but at the same time I also wonder why she's saying she was pushing him for a vasectomy so much (seeing as she did want to have another) it kind of sounds like she's now essentially trumping him for not doing so? But I agree, he can't and shouldn't try to push her into an abortion. He should have had the vasectomy. I would never do this to my husband but I know of others who have and the whole thing is just manipulative and not at all healthy in a relationship.

I find it so bizarre that your H is prepared to be such a blatant hypocrite.

He says "I don't want to have a baby."

You say "fine, get a vasectomy then."

He says "no" then goes on to impregnate you.

He says "get an abortion"

You say "no"

And he thinks you're in the wrong.

So only he gets to say no to medical procedures?

He's a grown man, with children. He knows how they are made. If he genuinely didn't want another, he would have made damn sure he couldn't get you pregnant.

He had a choice to have no more babies and he decided not to ensure that.

They're both at fault here, there's no point only arguing in one person's favour, but I agree ultimately he had the last say in the matter by ensuring he couldn't get her pregnant. I think its underhand on her part and plain stupidity on his. I feel sorry for the kids caught up in it.

You should never feel as if you ought to terminate.

If you have to terminate feeling like this it will probably end your marriage anyway so don't do it for the sake of the relationship.

Your children need a mother who is not grieving. Do whatever will make you happiest.

I really feel for you OP. I think you should leave this thread, put it on ignore and speak to a professional about your options.

It sounds like a 3rd wouldn't be ideal in your situation. But I wouldn't have a termination I didn't want especially under pressure from a partner.

He needs to get the snip if he feels so strongly.

That's not true. A grieving mother will have an impact on everyone. Are you really suggesting that women's right to choose has become women's responsibility to sacrifice?

It makes a difference.

No contraception = he's an idiot

Genuine contraception failure = he just needs to get on with it, although being very upset about having another baby in this situation is not unreasonable

Any dishonesty regarding the contraception = divorce - worthy loss of trust.

It is unwanted by half of the adults in this situation