Infertility general chat/support thread

[Roo45]

Not sure if this exists already, but I wondered if people fancied a thread just to vent and/or talk about things that have happened in their day that have either caused them to get upset or think a certain way due to fertility issues, regardless of where you are in the journey.

I feel like my friends who haven't got through this could never understand how infertility affects pretty much every part of my life now!

For example today I attempted to cook something complicated for some family members, it's quite rare that I cook for others even before the pandemic and I only make simple meals for myself. Anyway everything that could go wrong did and what I managed to salvage was largely uneaten.
I told my DH maybe the universe thinks I shouldn't have children because I'm so undomestic and can't cook for other people!

Hi! Thanks for making this thread. I've found it hard not to be able to join any monthly ones (March, April, whatever) because we just don't know when we can start.

I am sorry to hear about your cooking misadventures. But also I am sure no one has to tell you that has nothing to do with having children! (And anyway just get your DH to develop into a pro chef instead! Win-win.)

My thing this week: I seem to have moved beyond worrying about pregnancy announcements, and now feeling sad just in anticipation of them (who is next? is it her? or her?). Omg.

@AnonymousXXIX I'm on a break in between cycles awaiting further investigations.
Sorry to hear about this- anything in particular that means you don't know when you can start yet?
I know exactly how you feel! When I see a Facebook or Instagram story the first thing I think is 'is it another pregnancy announcement' most times it won't be and I just get myself worked up for no reason!
I have no solution unfortunately, maybe just trying to take time away from social media?xx

So many things that are related to the infertility issue!
So fed up of colleagues complaining about home schooling (which yes could be a PITA but don't all talk about it in front of me!). One colleague in particular brings her children into many work conversations, or says "as a mother...". I think I would have found that annoying even when I was young and carefree tbh!

So fed up of pregnancy announcements, I've hidden very many people on social media but it's not ideal to hide all my family.

@Roo45 if I tried to cook anything complicated it would probably be a disaster! If I have children they will much prefer their dad's cooking.

I actually don't join the monthly threads @AnonymousXXIX because I find it depressing seeing all the BFPs from the others. That sounds bad but it's true.

@LongerthanMrTicklesarms same here! I got so sick of all the home schooling talk one colleague said to me 'it'll be you in a few years' and I literally wanted to say 'well that's unlikely my IVF cycle has been cancelled due to covid' I try to see it from their point of view in that everyone has their own problems but there are some days I just think well I would love to be in a position to complain about something like that!
And yes I get worked up every time I go on social media in case I see another pregnancy or birth announcement. I agree it's hard to mute or unfollow everyone. I wanted to step away but in lockdown it's been hard to distract myself maybe if things continue to open up hopefully I can do a little more. Xx

Hoping I can join this thread too. Had yet another friend announcing their pregnancy yesterday. Very happy for her but sad for me. I know it’s her time and my time will hopefully come. I’m looking at having IVF now and not a journey I thought I’d be taking. Struggling with fertility is bloody awful and lonely at times!

@Roo45 it's not social media, it is 'real life'! Hard to switch that off : (

@LongerthanMrTicklesarms ooh that is a good point. I think I would be a little triggered by the BFPs as well.

I watched a show about babies yesterday (stupid I know) but I was waiting the whole time for someone to bring up fertility struggles; it helps me to heard other people talk about it and normalise it. But it never came! All 40 couples that featured somehow miraculously had 2-4 children. I mean statistics indicate at least a couple of them would have struggled to have those children, yes? Why won't they speak up about it?!! (I know, private, personal choice, etc.; but I really crave transparency)

Oh and @Roo45 - we are still waiting for NHS funding confirmation. Our CCG is particularly slow at reviewing applications and our clinic has not been the best at getting the info to them very fast the last few months. Lots of unecessary admin hold-ups.

@ABC222 completely agree, I had 2 friends who gave birth the week I found out we'd need IVF and it was awful. I was in denial about it for quite a while you never think it will be you. I listen to infertility podcasts on Spotify and I do find those helpful too at reminding me there are others for who this is 'normal'! It is very isolating and I do find forums like this helpful I have wonderful friends and family but don't feel they could ever truly understand

@anonymousXXIX ah real life is much harder and avoiding this was one of the only good things about lockdown. I've already received invites to events post lockdown and not sure I can bring myself to go and see all my friends with their kids.
I hope you're not waiting too much longer. My NHS round was cancelled due to covid, I was low on the priority list due to my age (understandably) so later I looked at private but then just before my private cycle was due to start got a letter out of the blue saying my NHS could see me in a few months! It was just before the second lockdown though and I was so anxious they'd close up again I stuck with the private clinic. I've since paid for 2 private cycles both failures and just wished in hindsight I'd waited a few months for the NHS one.

@Roo45 I would have probably done the same if I were you! Hindsight is a frustrating thing, but you made the best decision you could at the time. I feel lucky that right now my age isn't a huge factor, but that means that time is of the essence until it is! No time to lose!

But yes you are also right: we decided to stick it out and wait for the NHS. We qualify for 3 rounds, and we need ICSI, so that is the downpayment on a house basically. The bureaucratic ef ups have literally given me gray hairs though. I never thought that the approval stage would be the hardest part of IVF; it is mentally exhausting. (Omg what if the stress made my eggs age too?!... panic.) I genuinely look forward to the stupid injections now because at least then I'll be doing something!

@anonymousXXIX I know you are right I do try and tell myself that too! We only get one round here which I've lost now. Fingers crossed you are not waiting too much longer, the communication side of things was really not great at my NHS clinic I did find them frustrating to deal with. Xx

@Roo45 I completely agree with you. I love a podcast but haven't listened to any about fertility problems. What podcasts would you recommend?

@ABC222 there are quite a few actually! I tend to dip into episodes I think will be interesting or relevant to me. Some I like are big fat negative (some swearing), for trying out load, miracles happen fertility podcast - that title sounds a bit overly positive but there's some nice episodes about managing uncertainty, lack of control, over analysis and triggers. There is one called the fertility podcast which is run by a fertility nurse which has some TTC as well as infertility stuff and I've just started listening to one called worst girl gang xx

@Roo45 it sounds like you are doing a lot to keep grounded, I hope it is helping.
It's nice to have an outlet here that is not DH!
@AnonymousXXIX the monthly threads are a great support for many and you too could be one of the BFPs so I'm not trying to dissuade you, we are at different stages, I've had a lot of attempts so I'm definitely possibly a bit more jaded!
I hope your clinic get their act together.

Sorry you are struggling too @ABC222 there is a lot of good support on this forum.

I've also had lots of real life pregnancy announcements and then in the last fortnight a few older colleagues have said they are due grandchildren so they are going on about pregnancy when I thought I was 'safe' from baby bombs from them.
I've avoided many pregnant friends/ new mums during lockdown, not sure what I can do now things are opening up again!

Girls. I called my clinic for the funding results this morning and they said they didn't have them yet. And in fact they were still waiting for responses on applications they sent two months before mine... and that it would be really unlikely they would have mine now. But I was told last week that a decision had been made and I should hear this week! I am so confused and also so sad, and... then I had to work all day and now it is too late in the day to call anyone to check on it and I have to wait till tomorrow morning! Sorry for the ramble but I don't know what to do except cry. Why can't the NHS ever, ever just tell me anything right?

@AnonymousXXIX I'm so so sorry! It's stressful enough without all the waiting. If they haven't given you a valid explanation or have backtracked on what was said can you complain to PALS? I ended up doing that with my NHS clinic as the communication left a lot to be desired even with the pandemic. Twice they posted letters regarding a change in fund allocation to the wrong address and then completely denied it even when I showed them proof!
If you do a private cycle, will you lose funding for all 3 cycles? Is private a viable option at the moment? You are right about cost though and obviously in my case bypassing NHS did not help me get a pregnancy quicker xx

@LongerthanMrTicklesarms some days are definitely better than others. I have days I cry and think my life is worthless because I might never have children and other days when I think well this isn't in my control, if I feel angry and upset or get on with my life either way I'm still childless. It's a rollercoaster of emotions. Hopefully with lockdown ending I can try and keep myself a little busier but I agree about avoiding pregnant people and new mums I'm not sure I can do that at the minute xx

hi, i just found this thread. I am so happy that I did, so i can chat to others in the same situation!
I know what you all mean when you say about everyone around you getting pregnant or constantly seeing pregnancy announcements. Myself and my husband have been on this journey from November just, and it feels like we are further away than we were in the beginning.

@debs91 I know what you mean, all we have to show from our years of TTC is 2 failed cycles and I feel further away from a baby than when we started and have lost a lot of optimism, but it's only been a month since my cycle failed so hopefully I can bring myself up again.

Have you had any tests and/or referrals?
The pregnancy and birth announcements are so hard I agree and hasn't gotten any easier for me. An old colleague gave birth the day after my cycle failed and I was getting constant updates from my friends who still work there and I just had to tell them to stop messaging me.

@Roo45 I really feel for you, I know its so hard to keep positive especially after all that.
You are just right to tell them to stop messaging you.
Yes we got tested at a local fertily clinic to us and we were told we would need ivf/icsi, we then got oue bel1 tests done, and it came back i had no immunity to rubella, so i had to get 2 vaccines a month apart, just got my 2nd one on Monday and now have to wait 4 weeks before I can book back in again to have the tests redone.
I have found it hard as no one I know has been through it so didn't know who or where to go for advice until i came across this.
I am so sorry to hear about the last failed cycle.
What are the next steps for yourself?
I start back to work soon after being off due to the pandemic and I have no idea on dates to tell my boss as I don't know how to work it all around it.

@Roo45 thank you so much for the podcast recommendations!

@AnonymousXXIX I hope the phone call goes well this morning.

@Debs91 our issue seems to be poor quality embryos which start out fine but then go downhill. It was felt most likely a sperm issue but on my last cycle I had quite a few abormal eggs, we still had 1 good quality embryo but it didn't implant so my consultant wants us to arrange further tests to check there is nothing affecting implantation or egg quality.

Depending on the medication regime they give you hopefully you will be able to fit it around work, you will need frequent scans for 1-2 weeks and the only thing you would need a full day off for is the date they do the egg collections xx

@Debs91 totally understand the work worries. I had some calls today about possible work trips later in the year (knock wood) and I can't handle the thought of not being able to go because of potential fertility treatments!

@Roo45 really interested in what they find out for you! Implantation is such a mystery, really hope you find some answers.

I called again today and they said 'oh no, you should have had the response last week; no idea what is causing the delay; call to check again next week'. So confused. Hopeful, because I can call again next week to check? But also frustrated because literally every person tells me something different every time, and I don't know who to believe. And the worst is that one side is telling me 'days or weeks' and the other one 'months', so it is not a small difference either. The uncertainty...!!

In other news, my period is a day late. Which is just cruel isn't it. With the severe MFI we have, the chances are basically nonexistent... so can my cycle just cooperate and be regular pls?

Okay period is now way late (officially 28 + 3 days, but 10 days later than last cycle). Latest it's been ever . But all pregnancy tests negative so it's not some sort of miracle.

Wtf is going on? I have no experience with late or missed periods. What should I expect? (Had no fibroids or cysts on last scan and blood levels were all normal last year.) Like... where in my cycle am I now?

Makes me nervous to potentially add something to our MFI issues. ..

I caved and told some work colleagues I did IVF during lockdown - told them I'm waiting to do the transfer so I didn't have to tell them when I was doing it (doing FET and transfer is Tuesday) and one of them (who is a mother) said she was jealous that I could 'choose when to get pregnant' and wished she could do that
I don't think she meant harm, but my god she didn't see the irony in that statement

@willithappen argh I'm sorry that's unfortunate! It does seem to be a common belief that 'IVF will fix it'... as in people don't understand that it doesn't always work / takes a lot to ever work.