Infertility general chat/support thread

[Roo45]

Not sure if this exists already, but I wondered if people fancied a thread just to vent and/or talk about things that have happened in their day that have either caused them to get upset or think a certain way due to fertility issues, regardless of where you are in the journey.

I feel like my friends who haven't got through this could never understand how infertility affects pretty much every part of my life now!

For example today I attempted to cook something complicated for some family members, it's quite rare that I cook for others even before the pandemic and I only make simple meals for myself. Anyway everything that could go wrong did and what I managed to salvage was largely uneaten.
I told my DH maybe the universe thinks I shouldn't have children because I'm so undomestic and can't cook for other people!

Ah I wrote a message and it got deleted! So sorry to hear this @thislittlebird, where are you in the journey and what are the issues, will try and help as best I can.
It definitely feels like the universe is against us sometimes, I try and tell myself one day the joy of having a child will be worth all this but it's hard to keep faith at times when it's just repeated disappointments.
Thinking of you and sorry to hear what you are going through xx

Hi all, in need of this thread today. A good friend of mine has a baby and has been sending in pics and said ‘its just so special to see your parents with your own child’. Just broke me in two to be honest. I’m so close to my parents and we’ve been ttc for 4 years now. It’s a big fear of mine that even if we do manage to have a baby, will they still be there to see it and get to know them. It’s heartbreaking what we all have to go through. If we hadn’t had issues ttc I would have a 3 year old and baby by now same as all my friends who got married the same year we did.

@ForeverAintEnough12 I completely get this, my mum had a health scare recently and I thought the exact same thing and wondered if I'll ever give them the chance to be grandparents even though this is completely outside of our control and not our 'fault'!
Does your friend know about fertility issues? Sorry to hear about this it's so hard isn't it. My second cycle failed on mother's Day this year and I found it so hard and deleted all my social media for a bit. X

@Roo45 started trying autumn 2019, I’m 37 (38 later this week) and he’s 39. We have male factor but it is not as bad as some. Decent count but very low motility (9%). I have low very progesterone.

We’ve had nightmares with wrong results being given to us, not getting any help between a barely there GP and a really dismissive gynaecologist (our referral). I have a PALS complaint and request for a second opinion logged now and waiting for a follow up call. Doctor we saw claimed we were unexplained but that makes no sense to me when we have poor results... anyway, we’re trying to make enquiries into private ivf but the clinic are slow to reply and book me in, but we are seeing a urologist next week. That’s the only hope I have right now really, that one urology appointment.

I’ve caught up with the previous messages, what’s your situation at the moment?

@AnonymousXXIX’s story does give me some hope, it’s good to hear. Though mostly I think it won’t happen naturally for us, I don’t feel like we’ll get that lucky, I can’t explain it, but you know what I mean.

I can’t even imagine it at all right now.

@thislittlebird that does sound comparable to us in some ways. I would not say that's unexplained! It can be difficult to convince them to look into progesterone, I noticed. They never wanted to for me, even though I have very short cycles.

They've honestly sent us letters for appointments to the wrong address, cancelled appointments without telling us, made us wrong appointments (one was for my to see a gynaecologist about pelvic pain I did not have, while we had requested to see a urologist for DH! What?!), and then so, so much conflicting information.

We are actually still waiting for karyotype blood test results for DH from the end of February. We have been calling them about it twice a week the last 2 weeks and every time someone says 'we'll call you back later today'. Aargh!

That's the best you can do though: keep calling and chasing up, and never believe that they're actually on it. Please call to double-check that your urologist appointment is still happening! But it sounds like you kind of know that by now! Good luck xxxx

We definitely never saw this alternative situation coming, and we're still looking at ICSI if anything goes wrong, or in case of a sibling.

@thislittlebird @AnonymousXXIX yes I got letters sent to the wrong address too including a letter about our funding allocation which meant we could have been seen sooner at a different clinic (we had already decided to go private then as we weren't getting any answers from the hospital on the phone and no one thought to tell us on the phone!) I lodged a PALS complaint too. Our first cycle was cancelled due to covid so I do understand it was a difficult time and IVF wasn't a priority but even taking that info account communication was shocking and everyone said different things.

My period started today. I'll know when I ovulate and I usually get my AF symptoms within a few days of ovulation so I'm just waiting for the bleeding to start and confirm what I know already another month failed. It just seems so unfair, we have MFI but essentially we've been told there's nothing to do for the sperm-high count but low motility and morphology. I'm worried there may be some other kind of issue of damage with the sperm as DH had surgery near testis as a child but our consultant has said regardless they will do icsi and no need to spend money on tests that won't change the outcome.
They do want to investigate me for implantation issues as our good embryo didn't implant I have zero symptoms of endometriosis and regular cycles so I think its unlikely but I the tests done, but I just keep thinking now if the sperm doesn't improve then it doesn't matter.

Do let me know what the urologist says. I am waiting for tests before a further cycle. 2 failed cycles now, main issue is embryos seem to drop off by day 5 which suggests a sperm issue is more likely although in my last cycle I did have some poor quality eggs xx

And yes I agree keep the pressure on the hospital and PALS. GP should be able to request and interpret basic tests but beyond referring to fertility clinic I don't know how much their involvement would be beyond that? Xx

@Roo45 how did your PALS complaint go? Did you get a case manager who resolved it?

Did you get your period? It sucks when you have to see cd1 yet again.

What’s your OH’s SA roughly? Ours was a fairly high count, 140 and 180 mil I think, but super low motility, and slightly off morphology one time but not a lot. I’m guessing we’ll hear something similar that not much can be done. It’s very frustrating.

We’re going to see the urologist because I’m worried about ICSI not working because of the sperm quality. Just thought it’s best to go and find out before we begin. I get your fears, I’m similar. Have they addressed surgical sperm removal for you as an option?

I’m in GP limbo right now. Got so sick of being neglected by one that I’m moving to another. We do have a private appointment booked in now though, a consultation June 2, as well as the urologist — I’ll keep you posted when we’ve seen him since we have similar issues. Are you nhs or private?

@thislittlebird sorry to hear about your GP, if you're unhappy with your care you can write to your practice manager but you might not want to do that on top of everything else!

Our NHS cycle was cancelled due to covid and we were getting nowhere with trying to find out when we might be seen (we were low priority understandably as they wanted to get older patients in first) so we went private but then found out we could have been seen at another clinic sooner through NHS but they sent those letters to the wrong address and then denied it when I asked them about it! Hence the PALS complaint, they resent the letters to the correct address and kind of left it at that. By then it was around the second lockdown and I was worried the clinics would close down again and I'd already seen a private consultant so just went with private.

Yes I wish we had thought to see a urologist I was quite naive and just assumed icsi would work first time as I didn't have any issues. I have considered seeing one but my consultant says it's unlikely to change the outcome, and says the same about surgical sperm removal too.

But do let me know what the urologist says. I will find our SA report and let you know xx

TTC is really getting me down today. Another pregnancy announcement from a family friend and I booked my smear today...3 years ago when I went for my last one I had come off my pill a few months ago to start trying. 3 years and 2 failed cycles later, I know others have been through much much more than me but it's really hard to have any hope it's going to happen.

I was fairly religious prior to this but my faith has been affected too, and it's caused tension between me and DH because he keeps telling me we need to pray and I keep telling him I don't know that I believe that will help anymore.

It’s a lot to go through in that time @Roo45. I think you’re definitely allowed to find it hard. I’m not religious so I don’t have that element to contend with but I’m sure it’s difficult, especially if your DH is thinking differently. It may help if it makes you feel better, as a comfort I suppose. I guess all of this is in the hands of science and fate at this stage...unless we get very lucky.

It’s only been 18 months for us but I’m having a bad day. Keep seeing bfps and friend just had a baby and sent me a photo. I haven’t read the WhatsApp. Plus knowing we probably won’t be helped by the nhs and will also have to spend a lot of money we won’t get back for ivf soon.

I’m probably not going to bother with the practice manager. They’ve never helped before and they’ll just send some stupid letter. Going for a check up with the nurse at the new GP tomorrow and hoping they’ll be better than the last.

Are you still entitled to that nhs round?

I’ll let you know how the urologist goes. I’ve heard good things about surgical sperm removal but I’m interested to hear what this guy says when we see him. I’m desperate for help at this stage, can’t afford to have endless IVF/ICSI.

Can I join please? I’m feeling exhausted today. DH got poor sperm results a week ago with morphology of 2%. We’ve been trying for almost an three years but this was the first time I’ve been floored. Literally the last week has been a nightmare of me googling whether we have any chance of natural conception...and I just felt so angry. DH really looks after his health so it’s not his fault at all but I still felt angry at our situation. Maybe TMI but I was ovulating the day we got the result and we couldn’t be bothered to have sex so I just told DH to go wank in the bathroom and come back when he’s ready...it’s so bloody awful...I never thought we would get to this point...yesterday we had sex for fun and it was nice and connected us again but I know the TTC sex next month will be shit all over again...
And IRL two of my friends had a baby recently and though they knew about my problems, one of them in particular knew a lot...they just didn’t care and kept sending photo after photo and message after message on our group WhatsApp...it’s been the most painful year of my life and they’ve been the least supportive friends to go through it with. Thank God DH is my best friend as he has been wonderful and so has my mum but I feel very isolated when it comes to my friendship group

@SmoothSailing I completely understand. I only have sex when I think I'm ovulating now and even then I've been tempted to tell DH exactly what you've said as it's no longer enjoyable for me and I can't be bothered most days.
I think our morphology is similar. DH had surgery near his testes as a child but they can't say for sure if it's definitely a result of that or just bad luck. I'm also very very angry at our situation especially as it's often been assumed I'm the reason we can't conceive and I'm constantly compared to others in the family with 2 or 3 kids. I know it's not DH fault but I do get very frustrated sometimes and I get it.
I try to think of it were the other way around o know DH would support me, it sometimes helps me calm down a bit but I know exactly how you feel.

It's so hard with friends with kids as you feel awful telling them to stop posting photos obviously their children are a massive part of their life but sometimes I just won't reply or read the messages for a while. Once they kept posting about a mutual friend in labour and they knew my IVF cycle had failed the day before and I just told them to stop posting in the group. They aplogised and said they felt awful afterwards.
Tbh I don't think anyone can understand who hasn't gone through it themselves which is why I post here xx

@Roo45

Trying to think of it if it were the other way around is a really good idea and not something I've thought of, so thank you, I feel the same I know DH would support me 100%.

I completely agree that noone can understand who hasn't gone through it themselves. I feel like talking to you girls on Mumsnet restores my sanity...as there is so much understanding...

We are going on holiday next week and I'm really looking forward to it, think it will give us some time to reset and just enjoy life for a bit...there is a swimming pool which I intend to make full us of because I absolutely love swimming. I nearly cancelled this holiday because I was desperate to start IVF but my mum said 'you need this'...and I think she's right...I need to feel like 'me' again, these last few weeks have been our hardest yet... and as the journey of infertility goes on for longer it's getting harder and harder....
Thank you for this thread and the support, it really helps so much to not feel so isolated...

@SmoothSailing have a lovely trip and hope the weather picks up! I rushed to start IVF when clinics opened post covid and in hindsight o wish I'd waited a little and tried to get into a better frame of mind, I think it's the right choice.

You're right it does get harder as time goes by, watching people around you have kids, watching them grow into toddlers and onto their second when you're just stuck in the same place...I have good and bad days and just have to have faith we will get there eventually I guess. But it's so hard.

How is everyone? I’m feeling better after our ivf consult today but not looking forward to yet more waiting for test results

@thislittlebird bless you at least there is some progress! Nothing new to report from my side, just waiting a date for further tests now but I doubt it will be until after the summer xx

I’m really fed up right now. I know this whole ttc malarkey won’t work for us without help and I’m getting very tired of all the waiting for help. It all takes so long, my life feels like one long, sad wait.

I’m really down today too littlebird, on my period. Can’t talk to my best friend about how much I’m hurting because she has a baby. Wish I was enjoying baby days with her instead of feeling resentful and isolated. I’ve got no sympathy when she’s feeling tired because why should she be tired and not me...I would trade in the loneliness I feel 100 times over for baby tiredness
It’s all so exhausting

Got the closest I’ve ever got to telling her how I feel today, how alone, how bitter...she’s doesn’t want an infertile bitter best friend...she wants lightness and fluff... but I can’t give her any of that...feel like a shit friend but more than anything I feel like why fucking me? Two years 9 months and nothing. No chemical, nothing. Just pain and blood every fucking month. I’m so fucking exhausted of the same thing over and over again. It’s unreal

@Ocean456 yeah, very much agreed. I know it’ll be hard and exhausting when🤞 we get there but I just want the chance to have that experience. I keep seeing people announce pregnancies, or they’ve given birth and I just don’t understand why we can’t be those people too. It’s so unfair that it’s so hard for some of us and I have to buy them cards despite how I feel. My life is just in damn limbo. Can’t move jobs, home, can’t get pregnant, can’t even go on nice holidays because we need the money for ivf.

I’m also really upset that people who get nhs help have a smoother ride (not just financially, it’s not aimed at them as much as the nhs not helping me) because I’m having to find out if I have rubella immunity right now and I want to cry my eyes out at how much more effort or cost it involves when you’re private and you want the nhs to help with some of it like the tests (which is the least they can do since they’ve done nothing at all for me so far when they should have helped us more). Especially now with this stupid GP triage system. If I can get an appointment I’ll be lucky, and then if the Gp agrees to help I’ll be VERY lucky.

Someone told me it can take time to get the rubella vaccination, with a month between doses and one month for it to leave your system so I’m panicking my ivf will be delayed further still because of a stupid childhood vaccine or lack thereof.

@Ocean456 it’s such a long time to have to keep doing this, I’m coming up to 2 years in a couple of months and you’ve done more than me, you can rightly say f*ck lightness and fluff at this stage. If you can’t give her that it’s fine, you’re not a bad friend.

@ocean456 and @thislittlebird I agree, it's so exhausting and you're not a bad friend for looking out for your mental health at this time. I've ended up having to distance myself quite a bit from others which is a shame sometimes but mentally I couldn't handle it.

@thislittlebird can your clinic write to GP and ask for the blood tests? That's what mine did.

@Roo45 no, they didn’t tell me to do it, I just decided to because I need something to do. Fortunately my GP agreed to refer me to Guys assisted conception unit today. It’s a relief because in my head I’m thinking we can afford one extra round now if we need it.

@thislittlebird glad the referral has been sent xx