Infertility general chat/support thread

[Roo45]

Not sure if this exists already, but I wondered if people fancied a thread just to vent and/or talk about things that have happened in their day that have either caused them to get upset or think a certain way due to fertility issues, regardless of where you are in the journey.

I feel like my friends who haven't got through this could never understand how infertility affects pretty much every part of my life now!

For example today I attempted to cook something complicated for some family members, it's quite rare that I cook for others even before the pandemic and I only make simple meals for myself. Anyway everything that could go wrong did and what I managed to salvage was largely uneaten.
I told my DH maybe the universe thinks I shouldn't have children because I'm so undomestic and can't cook for other people!

@Roo45 I followed it up with an email at the weekend. It’s been so delayed that I don’t see the harm.

We’re just waiting on the sperm fragmentation results now, not looking forward to those at the end of the month.

I really wanted to try some king of assisted conception in August but I’m not having much luck getting appointments this month so far. Sigh.

Had a major meltdown yesterday. It’s cycle day one today, and I’m so very tired of all this. I just want what other people have so easily.

@thislittlebird totally get it, got sent some photos of a friend's wedding yesterday I couldn't attend and her little sister I used to babysit is pregnant, bump there for everyone to see, she literally got married a year ago. I had a major meltdown too it just broke me. I couldn't even feel happy for her which made me feel even worse. I'm just so f**king sick and tired of it. In the time I've been TTC so many friends have had kids they're now 1,2,3 years old and second one on the way. How many more will I have to see whilst I stay left behind? I've never even had a single positive test.
They've invited us to another wedding event later in the week where more people can attend and I'm seriously considering whether I'm mentally strong enough to go. I see friends with their kids and just cry for the rest of the day recently

@thislittlebird maybe I'll feel better when we I can get a date for my other tests and cycle but it's really hard to have any hope at the moment. I hope you get your appointment soon xx

@roo45 how are you getting on?

We have our appointment next Tuesday with Guys ACU. I’m so scared they’re going to say we have to wait many more months yet to start. They sent a letter through earlier this month with our funding approval on and booked us in. It’s a weight off to know we have the nhs round at least.

I’ve been listening to the BFN podcast recently and it triggered me much more than I expected it to, for a number of reasons.

One of those reasons was it made me hugely aware of how little support I have in real life with this ivf lark. It’s not that I expect support as such, I have my husband who is great and I’m grateful for him, but I found it really hard listening to them talk about their support networks and friends who were buying presents and understanding their struggles etc.

It made me feel really lonely. I’m a bit of a loner and introvert anyway, and never have been one to have lots of friends or a big groups of friends. I had a group of couples as friends but they’ve all had kids now so we barely see them.

I have a fear of my ivf failing and I tried to talk to my friend about this via text. Her response wasn’t offensive, or helpful, it was just very...standard and unemotional. I tried to talk some more and it didn’t go anywhere, she didn’t reply. And then it just hit me how I have no one to talk to in real life. My mum isn’t like most people’s and distant from my siblings. I don’t have that support network, the loneliness can be crushing.

I haven’t had much going on the last few weeks but still managed to get really upset with all the waiting and uncertainty, and the loneliness. Oh and I sprained my ankle so I can’t even exercise like I wanted to. 🙄

Oh @thislittlebird I'm so sorry to hear that! I don't know what the waiting list is like but I hope it's not too long at least you are in the system now. Please vent here or message me anytime!
Tbh I've ended up isolating myself from several friends I was the first of my friend group to start TTC and they've all since had kids and I feel like they've got to move forward with their lives and I'm left behind stuck in the same place. They are supportive but don't really understand and some of the comments they say (why don't you just adopt? I understand how you must feel it took me 5 months to conceive and every month was so hard etc) just make me feel worse so I don't say much anymore.
I am having a laparoscopy next month to check for anything that may be causing implantation failure, and then hopefully another cycle after that.
If you have Instagram the TTC/IVF community on there is wonderful. Also fertility network UK do have local Facebook groups and they often do regular support group meetings currently via Zoom, if you are interested. You may have considered counselling already but that may be worth looking into too, personally I have found it really helpful.
Reach on here too sometimes I feel this is the only place people really understand. Good luck for your appointment please keep us updated ❤️ xx

@Roo45 I totally get that about friends. I feel next to friendless these days. They’ve all got their kids and moved on, and we’re still here treading water.

Saying they understand how you must feel after five months is horrible. Ugh. How do people not understand it’s not the same?

When is your laparoscopy?

I’ve heard about fertility network uk, I will have to check it out. What sort of counselling did you have btw? I can get free cbt but don’t love cbt. I want to pay for counselling at some point but I can’t justify the money right now if we’re saving for private ivf (in case the nhs round doesn’t work).

We’re now on the ivf waiting list and they said it’s about 3 months. In the meantime I’m trying a monitored Letrozole cycle with my private clinic.

@thislittlebird lap is very soon in a few days! If all goes well hopefully another cycle soon after that. There is so much waiting in TTC, I hope the wait goes quickly for you!
I actually haven't told anyone this time, and will probably keep our next cycle quiet too.
1 podcast I have started listening to (only a few episodes so far) is fertility life raft with alice rose who has an Instagram page and website too with various courses and meditations she does. Also the Instagram community is amazing if you have Instagram I've connected with a few women in the same situation.
My clinic does humanistic counselling I think, I am the opposite of you I didn't find it massively helpful I felt it was more like a chat whereas I needed strategies to help overcome those negative emotions around fertility and found a mix of CBT/compassion focused therapy was much better for me (I got access to this through work luckily) xx

Room for one more?

I've read through the thread and I feel all of the same loneliness and sadness.

We had our 1 NHS funded IVF cycle in March / April. 5 eggs, 1 embryo, BFN. We're self funded now. This cycle we had bfp and thought the nightmare was finally over, but then a few weeks ago we went for the 7 week scan at the ivf clinic and there was no heartbeat 😔

I just feel so sad. I'm really struggling to see any way out of it. I know people have really fulfilling lives without having children, but I worry I would be secretly sad forever.

@Roo45 I follow Alice Rose on Instagram. I should have a listen to her podcast. I tried BFN but it's too hard for me as they both had what seems like immediate success with IVF.

@Roo45 glad your lap is coming around! I don’t do much Instagram but I follow a few of them on there, possibly Alice Rose too.

@CurbsideProphet welcome aboard the sad ladies bus. So sorry to hear about your scan. This all just really sucks the hope and optimism out of you, I completely understand why you feel like that. I haven’t even got to my first nhs round and I’m not feeling positive. Like I don’t feel like it’ll be straightforward for us but who knows.

Agree Re BFN. I know one of them took two attempts for it to work, but still, I can see why they introduced a section with a couple having a much harder time. It’s hard on everyone, but some people definitely have longer and more arduous journeys than others. It’s all very unfair.

I feel the same way about being childless too. I’m not asking a lot, just one child would be nice, just a small family. I feel really old and want it to happen for us so I can take control of my future again.

In the meantime we’re going to get a dog, I think. Something that also scares me because I’ve never had one as an adult but I hope it’ll be a good distraction for me, keep me busy etc. Even if there’s no other life changes we can make right now.

And since I’m complaining, I really want to leave London. I have this stupid eye problem and it stops when we visit family in the Deep south west. We can’t even consider it really until round one of ivf is done, that’s 2-3 months away. I’m tired of my life being on hold.

@thislittlebird yes I really know how you feel with putting life on hold. We've been invited to a wedding next May and we don't know if we can go. 8 months' time and we don't know if we'll still be doing IVF. It's a sobering thought.
DH has said he doesn't want to continue IVF after he turns 40 in late 2022 (I will be 37). Even though I physically and mentally can't carry on like this indefinitely I already feel sick at the thought of having to stop without success.

I had surgical management for my miscarriage 2 weeks ago. I'm still spotting and worried that I'll get a positive pregnancy test next week and then need repeat surgery. I feel like I'm getting further away from where I want to be. It's really hard isn't it to just wait and wait and try to stay hopeful.

@CurbsideProphet eight months is so far away and yet not at all the same time with this stupid journey. I’m 38 now, Dh will be 40 the same month we’re due to start ivf, there won’t be any 40 cuts off here or it might never happen . Yeah, I get that. The thought of stopping is hard to get your head around and I haven’t got there yet. My current obsession is the thought of how much we can afford and how long it would take.

It’s so hard. Are you taking the test because of the surgical management, to check it’s resolved?

@thislittlebird yes I have to do a test next week to check the surgery was "complete" 😔

In normal times the wedding of DH's friends 8 months away wouldn't even register. In IVF times I'm thinking "well we could plan to use our 1 frozen embryo in Nov/Dec and then we could start the next cycle in early March".
I mean, how fucked up that I'm planning how many failed rounds we could fit in before a wedding in May that I'm not even bothered about going to 😩

Sorry for the delay in replying currently recovering from my laparoscopy.
Reading through the messages and this whole process is so hard I'm so sorry you girls have to go through this too. I find it hard to be hopeful too really, but one thing I have seen is how random this process is and that you really can't predict anything!
I've started a new job and I'm already planning when and how I can take time off for IVF cycles, I also feel like my life is on hold too. I've been offered different contracts at work but don't want to commit to them.
Sorry to hear about your miscarriage @CurbsideProphet
@thislittlebird I was isolating leading up to both my IVF cycles and I found it really hard. Is it due to impending IVF you can't go or another reason?

@Roo45 hope you're recovering ok.

I remember doctors saying to us that unfortunately IVF is a numbers game and there are no guarantees, but obviously I set off into it feeling all hopeful. We're in cycle 2 now (just 1 transfer in cycle 1, recent transfer in cycle 2 with 1 frozen) and the hope is really dwindling.

I read something on Instagram today about how fear is a normal reaction as it's the mind protecting us from further trauma and harm. That makes a lot of sense to me. Trying and failing to have a baby is so traumatic for the mind and body.

Hello all! Would love to join this thread. Been depressed the past week since my period came. Been ttc since 1.5 years now and I'm just so tired. Always wanted a big family..now I feel like just one child would be a miracle in itself. Husband is supportive and tries his best to keep me calm but I feel he doesn't understand these emotions as a woman does and it's just depressing...I have PCOS and I've booked fertility mot with LWC Cardiff which will happen this month. Im anxious but I feel at least it's the first step to figuring out the issue. Prayers for you all!

@seekingsolace2 I feel exactly the same! If we could even get one child I would be so happy but I don't know if that day will ever come. Good luck with your upcoming appointment xx

Same here, all I want is 1 child of my own.
@seekingsolace2 I would recommend taking the time to think of questions / scenarios to ask while you're there. I was a bit blindsided when I went for 2 appointments and found out at the 2nd that IVF was the recommendation. I wished that I had asked in appointment 1 about the different scenarios we could be facing.

@Roo45 Thanks :) I sincerely hope InshaAllah (God willing) that such a day does come for all of us...

@CurbsideProphet oh okay thanks for the advice. I have already written a set of questions (thanks to my anxiety) but I hadn't considered asking for a number of options and consequences we could face. Personally, I don't want the IVF option because it's costly and we're self funding and invasive too. I have heard they only offer it if you've been trying two years but not sure.. I was also considering starting myo inositol for PCOS but unsure if that will change the picture when I get my investigations done.. hence just planning to wait now..

Thank you @seekingsolace2 iA. Keep us updated and feel free to rant here whenever you want, I do think as women we go through things differently xx

Hello! how's everyone doing? Here's an update, I had my scan last week at the clinic and the doctor was very accommodating. She confirmed PCOS but reassured me that it was quite common and me being a little underweight may actually be beneficial in treating it. She said most probably I would need some meds to ovulate but we'll have another consultation after my AMH and my husbands results come.. I've been feeling a little positive after it and keeping up the hope.

Also random rant, caught up with a friend last night who has 2 kids and is mostly busy and she mentioned how lucky I am to not have children which I thought was well, insensitive..but I guess we can't expect people to always say the right things. I have decided not to let it get to me and definitely stay positive. Thanks for reading...

Hope you all are doing well

@seekingsolace2 I have pco (I think) and I’m a little overweight so I need to lose a bit. I’m hoping it will help me ovulate. Fingers crossed you get positive results too!

Ah yes, the weird, insensitive comments from people gets very tiring. This weekend alone my friend told me I was “more fortunate” than others after my first failed Letrozole cycle because it was funded privately, and my other friend asked why don’t we adopt? I think people mean well but they don’t have these problems so I can’t help but roll my eyes.

@seekingsolace2 @thislittlebird so many of these 'helpful' comments I've lost count, I agree I know people mean well but often just make me feel worse! Been told to 'just adopt' 'just relax' 'go on holiday around your next ovulation' (we have MFI) 'just keep praying/say this prayer' (come from a religious family) 'just enjoy this time as much as you can, kids will take over your life' I'm sure there's more! Totally sympathise, people just don't get it 😞 x