To ask what childless woman do to feel a sense of purpose in life?

[loserlikeme]

I've recently had a lot of tests to confirm that I'm unable to have children. Can I ask any childless women out there what you do to have a fulfilling life? I expect to get slated asking this, but I feel you grow up with the expectation of getting married and having children and now I feel a bit lost :( I think I just need a bit of inspiration and reassurance.

I think children don’t give a person purpose. They give a person something to do for a period of time (20-odd years, maybe). But if you see your children as a reason for living, a project to give you purpose, I think you’re missing out on many hugely important things in life.

You talk of the treadmill of marriage, children and so forth. Perhaps you don’t mean ‘purpose’, so much as a worthwhile occupation. If so, there are many, many more worthwhile occupations in life than raising children.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this when you don’t want to, and for reasons out of your control. You need to deal with the grief of not having the children you wanted, separately from finding a different direction. Don’t let this define you. You are much, much more of a woman than just a mother or wife.

Completely changing the subject, but I am on my laptop and I keep seeing "OBJ" in a box. Is this meant to be an emoticom?

After my mum died, my life changed greatly in terms of location and outlook. I met someone, got married, relocated. Finding someone to love and love me gave me a lot back.

I have/had a health condition for a few years that made it impossible for me to work at the level I’d gotten used to, so that sense of fulfillment and purpose disappeared.

For a while I wondered if I should change my mind about having children. But after a lot of soul searching I didn’t change my mind.

So, I decided to get comfortable with my situation. I focussed on getting better from my condition. That gave me a sense of purpose for a while. Now I’m in a place where I’m “a lot better than I used to be, not quite back to full health but maybe this is as good as it gets” kind of thing.

So for the last six months or so I have focussed on getting comfortable with not having a purpose. Figuring that this is life giving me a chance to rest and build my strength up for when a true purpose does come along.

I have found watching the film Gravity very helpful on a metaphorical level. There is a part where Sandra Bullock is floating, unconscious, she looks like she’s in the womb. She’s already been through some very dramatic events, showed grit and bravery and focus to get through them. The next set of dramatic events is yet to occur, but they will.

I think I’m in that floating place. And as I get more comfortable, ideas of how I will find purpose again are starting to occur to me. So far those ideas are:

1. Go back to studying
2. Write a novel
3. Qualify as an exercise instructor

I’m starting slowly down the road with all three and seeing what takes off.

Maybe an as yet unknown purpose will find me and I’ll be in better shape to respond to it by looking after myself well during this time (sleeping right, eating right, doing exercise, reading broadly, spending time with people I love).

Take care likeme.

Are there really still women out there whose only life goals are to marry and have children? Wow!

Yes . Thank goodness we live in a world where all our ambitions are valid and we don’t need to conform to anyone other’s idea of ambition.

@JacquesHammer damnit that's what I wanted to say but couldn't find such a concise way of saying it.

You win

Hi there OP,

If you'd like us to move this thread to our Infertility topic, feel free to report your opening post and let MNHQ know - we'd be happy to do so.

We're moving this to Infertility at OP's request.

There are many ambitions we can have in life, and not all of them involve children. I chose the children route but I've got 2 friends who didn't, and I'm sure they've enjoyed their lives just as much as I have, if not more. They've had spare cash to travel, and have hobbies and adventures. I've spent my money on the DC. (And I've got 2 adult ds, one of whom I'm so, so proud of; the other not so much!) They don't always turn out how we would want them to.

Spot on, Polka, plus 'now you can travel' (as if everyone has the time and money and inclination to do so), get a career (not everyone can or wants one, some are happy in a job), do charity work (again, ALL of these are also open to people who have children).

You don't need kids for a sense of purpose. I have a career, hobbies and freedom. I can't see how kids could do anything good to that! They'd be a disaster to my career, they'd get in the way of hobbies and they'd suck all freedom from my life. And they are expensive. Sometimes I look at people and think 'aw, that's a nice kid', but most kids irritate me and I'd hate to be stuck with an asshole child. I also do not want a daughter so until there is some way to guarantee a male child, I won't be risking it.

I look ahead at a life of freedom. Children would do nothing positive to that.

Hello
OP

I have children. My sister doesn’t (by choice). From talking with and watching her life, it’s clear to me that if you don’t have children you probably need to make far more active choices about what is important to you and what your priorities are. With a family, it’s all laid out in front of you: it’s pretty clear what needs to be done to raise happy children. without kids, your life has a different shape - and it’s your choice what shape that is.

It’s not easy. But you are not bound by your biological worth, you live in a time where women (and men) can live fulfilled, happy lives of their own making.

Hi OP

Sorry to hear your very sad news, it does come as a shock at a life you expected to have isn’t going to happen. You have had quite a few harsh comments from some posters on here but there has been some nice ones too from people who understood what you meant. I suffered unexplained infertility for over 14 years and had 5 failed ivfs before having a baby earlier this year through using an egg donor so I do understand the feeling of the life you imagined you would have being taken away from you. I’m not sure if donor conception or surrogacy are options for you to consider or maybe that is a route you don’t want to take.

For me personally I was determined to make it work and focused on the ivf cycle as it happened and when it failed I focused on the next one. If I had never been successful I really don’t know what I would have done to fill the childless void although I guess my cats would be even more spoiled than they already are 😄. I know of others who bought houses to renovate, had dogs to walk and for company, enjoyed exotic holidays and had various hobbies though which worked for them.

Take your time to grieve over the news and I wish you all the best
xx

I haven’t read all the replies but as one PP said, whilst I can understand how upsetting it is not to be able to have your own children naturally, there are other options. You could look into adoption or fostering children.

Also put time into a career or other hobbies.

I imagine the reality is it’s not easy to replace the notion of having a child but doesn’t mean you cannot be fulfilled.

Make a list of all the things you’d like to do and all the places you’d like to travel, probably something you could not easily do with a child, and then work through it.

whilst I can understand how upsetting it is not to be able to have your own children naturally, there are other options. You could look into adoption or fostering children.

😖

I'm really sorry OP, sounds like you wanted children and knowing that it's not an option must be awful for you. There's a big difference between being unable to have children and being childfree by choice, which some posters have been insensitive to.

Fostering and adoption are options if you want children and are open to them not being yours biologically . Alternatively, you could volunteer with children or get a job working with them.

You could also spend some time listing all of the things you love or would like to do and work through them- things like travelling, writing, cooking, painting etc.

Your life will be valuable and meaningful with or without children.

Maybe start with counselling so you can work through the change in life expectations, talking your feelings through with someone outside your relationship may bring a bit of clarity. Try not to let this be the thing that defines you.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you, and how long have you and your DP been together? I guess you wouldn't consider your life to date to have been unfulfilling, so, really it's your expectations for the future you planned which have changed.

Women in a similar position will be far more atuned to and understanding of your feelings of loss, rather than women who are childfree by choice, love their childfree lives and don't feel at all unfulfilled.

There are also many women (many on here also!). who have had families and that hasn't worked out the way they planned either, due to disability, marriage breakdown, or just the fact that their children haven't turned into the perfect family they'd dreamed of.

Some of these replies are beyond bonkers.

“It doesn’t make my life worthless because I don’t want a child”.

If you can’t see a difference between childfree by choice and childless against your deepest wishes, then maybe take a moment to ponder.

Christ on a bike.

Can people now see why I get so fucking angry with the oh so helpful suggestions of adopting?

Does anyone ever suggest adopting to people with children? Do they fuck. But here we go more suggestions just in case the op or any other infertile woman hasn’t thought of it.

Yes, it is very wrong to suggest adoption - as if adoption was an easy alternative! Speaking as someone who was adopted in infancy, it certainly isn't.

(I'll try to find my last post on this thread - in which I asked the op about career.)

OP, sorry you haven't received much help. A lot of people feel as you do.

It's important to have a fulfilling job, I'm sure that is something you can achieve. Then take it from there.

You may well find a nice man too, who isn't bothered about having kids - but one thing at a time.

Bless you x and good luck.

Good grief the responses to this post! MN at its absolute worst. I am very sorry OP and hope you and your husband are able to move on and make peace with a different kind of life to that which you had imagined. All the best to you

whilst I can understand how upsetting it is not to be able to have your own children naturally,

No, unless you are someone who cannot have their own biological children, you don't understand, and I say this as a mum of 3 who conceived easily. I don't understand and it's patronising, condescending and downright insulting to insinuate that you do when you can't. Adopting and fostering are NOT always options for all people.

Hope you are doing ok OP xx

I am childless by choice so have never defined my purpose through motherhood. However my first question would be what purpose do you think having children would have given you? Is it that you wanted to nurture and develop a person and see them achieve and grow? I am just thinking out loud that if you could pinpoint what purpose you think you have lost maybe you could find something to help fill that loss such as volunteering to help children develop (brownies, guides or something similar)?

I recommend making a career in the arts, some industries or hobbies are really all absorbing and therefore what you need right now to keep you busy. Art is quite obsessive and the more you do the better you get, certainly my friends without children do much better and can do residencies is amazing parts of the world.