To ask what childless woman do to feel a sense of purpose in life?

[loserlikeme]

I've recently had a lot of tests to confirm that I'm unable to have children. Can I ask any childless women out there what you do to have a fulfilling life? I expect to get slated asking this, but I feel you grow up with the expectation of getting married and having children and now I feel a bit lost :( I think I just need a bit of inspiration and reassurance.

Why? Do you expect everyone to help OP sit and be crushed by this?

She has asked for some inspiration, some thoughts. My thought is that she doesn't need to be crushed by this. It happens to many women for a wide variety of reasons and there are many ways other than by being a mother that any and every woman has value, is lovable and can live a full and fulfilled life.

But the first move is to accept that this is true...

@Sausageonafork

It’s not the job of infertile women to pick up the left overs of the overly fertile.

I was adopted, late fifties. I've always felt inferior, second-best, largely because of the often dreadful attitudes to adopted children back then. It's kind of engrained, so although I can understand why I feel it, I still feel it.

I thought negative attitudes to adopted children had changed, but here today, in 2018, adopted children are referred to as "left overs".

loserlikeme why not have this thread moved? Some people get great joy in giving a good kicking to posters in AIBU. Sad fuckers.

There is good support out there and better areas of mn to find it.

Well it’s not witchend, lets be honest.

I do appreciate what you’re saying but I think that while we review and change and tweak our life’s plans as time goes on, you are either a parent or you are not and if you wished to be one and can’t be that is heartbreaking.

I wish you peace OP. I don’t feel I can continue in good faith here as to be honest I’m too appalled. I am wondering what next. If someone who had been a carer for their elderly mother said they now felt their life had no purpose on her passing we would (I hope) not flame them or accuse them of a ‘poor choice of words.’ We would understand she meant her situation, nobody else’s.

And it is a loss, a bereavement of sorts and like all there is a need to come to terms with that although a sadness may remain.

@loserlikeme I'm so sorry for the news you've recently received and can't quite imagine how hard it must have been to hear. I'm also sorry that you're getting such a hard time on this thread.

I understand where you're coming from with the growing up thinking how your life would be. I often think that life is like a video game, there are loads of side quests that you can do or not do as you feel but there is one Main Quest. For every person the Main Quest can be slightly different.

For me the Main Quest has always been finding someone to love and spend the rest of my life with, I wanted children but they were an 'optional extra' as it were, one of the side quests, and were less of a priority than a strong career. For my sister growing up was ALL about becoming a mother. her Main Quest, was having a child/children, marriage was a side quest.

8 years ago we found ourselves in the slightly cruel position of each having what the other had wanted. I fell pregnant very young and in an unplanned manner and have struggled to build a career or date as a single mother, while my sister has a good career and a wonderful husband but could not conceive.

It takes time to come to terms with the fact that your life will not be how you imagined it to be, but i think the best thing to do is to try to figure out the things in your life which make you happiest and invest your effort and time into those. If raising a child is truly still essential to you then there are so many little ones in the world who need to be loved and cared for, just take some time to reflect and understand whether what was important to you was having your own child or 'just' being a parent.

I wish you all the best.

"I was adopted, late fifties. I've always felt inferior, second-best, largely because of the often dreadful attitudes to adopted children back then. It's kind of engrained, so although I can understand why I feel it, I still feel it."

That's awful. Two of my cousins are adopted (early 1960s) and I don't think they encountered this attitude. I don't see them as adopted, just as my cousins.

"I thought negative attitudes to adopted children had changed, but here today, in 2018, adopted children are referred to as "left overs""

I think attitudes might have changed here because being a single parent doesn't carry the stigma it did 50 or 60 years ago, and women tend to keep their babies. I have a friend who works in social services, and she said that generally children put up for adoption nowadays come from difficult backgrounds.

Interesting points there soup. Thanks for sharing. It gave me food for thought.

I’m so sorry you have had such unwelcome news, it must be devastating, OP. I never really wanted kids, but you pose an interesting question for me in any case. I wouldn’t say I’m maternal, but I do have a strong sense of wanting to help people, nurture those around me, so maybe that’s a similar thing to wanting to nurture a child. Anything that allows me to reach out and help people, like I am trying to do now with this post, really, makes me feel good. If I am able to extend a helping hand with advice, or sometimes more concrete action for those close to me, I feel really good about it. My working life also reflects this. But I don’t let that dictate my life, I do have strict boundaries in terms of what I will offer and my life is my own, I can take off with or without my partner for a break without a thought about even pets, well the plants need a good water, but that’s it! I’ve travelled a bit, learned a new language, do some creative hobby stuff. An ex-colleague of mine who struggled with this sponsored a child abroad, so that was her outlet, fostering or adoption were not an option. I wish you all the best in coming to terms with your situation.

My childless friends (not by choice) have found purpose in pursuing their hobbies to a higher level and starting their own business based around it. One travels a lot through doing this. Both have a good quality of life in a financial sense and live in beautiful places. One has made a gorgeous garden by having the time to dedicate to it that wouldn’t be there with a family.

Having children is a biological urge that many of us wish to fulfil so it’s not just expectation of society but of biology that needs to be overcome but having children isn’t everything. Some of the biggest contributors to society are those who could focus on more than the mundane day to day stuff that comes with having a family and take interests to a much higher level.

Take time to be kind to yourself and grieve the life you expected to find out what comes next.

What you do have to bear in mind with adoption however is that many of you wouldn’t have been able to adopt your own children.

Silvery - the question Op asks actually infers the opposite of what you are saying. It basically says - women without children can have fulfilled lives , tell me about yours?

Just when you think AIBU can't get any nasty or bitchier.

It is perfectly obvious, when you actually read the first post, that the OP is not saying that she thinks all women without children have no purpose. As a woman who had hoped and planned to have children, but is now facing up to the fact that it won't happen, she is asking those who have been down the same path how they coped and found fulfilment. But don't let the facts get in the way of an opportunity to be unpleasant and spiteful.

OP, ignore the rude and shitty posts you've received. Some people are so quick to take offence, they can't be bothered to actually read posts properly. I take great comfort from my nieces and nephews and from realising that we all leave our mark in different ways. Also, from that I'm still part of a family and can contribute to the welfare of my family in so many ways. I have an aunt who never had children but she is such a linchpin in our family and will leave a massive gap when she dies.

Time is also a great healer and you will get pleasure and fulfilment from life, but be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.

It’s not the job of infertile women to pick up the left overs of the overly fertile

As the mother of four, now adult, adopted children, I have to say I was shocked by this. I showed my adult daughter, now a mother herself, and she too was open mouthed. We must come from another planet but...well no more words. It just isn't like that but I lack the vocabulary to explain why, sorry.

continuallychargingmyphone
Do you think everything is about you Silvery?

The OP asked a question of childless women, I am a childless woman and responded with my opinion, is that not what we all do on here? I can't give her your opinion or that of Fred Bloggs, only mine.

Christ some horrible people on here.

I'm so sorry OP, I can only imagine how difficult it is to receive news like that. Take some time to process this news and grieve the life you thought you'd have.

When you're ready you could start thinking about other goals you may have and how to achieve them?

Dream big and go after a career you might think is out of your reach - actor/novelist/doctor/fashion photographer/astronaut?! Whatever area you think you'd love to work in. And put plans in place to achieve it.

I know it's cliche but helping others/volunteering gives me a sense of "purpose"? Getting involved in the local community, becoming involved in activism for a cause you're passionate about?

I'm really not comparing animals to children I promise - but I got my dog when I was in a really bad place in my life and he really saved me from sinking into a black hole. I adore him. If you were an animal lover maybe worth thinking about adopting a pet?

Other than that all I can think of is what pps suggested and if you feel none of the above will make up for the void then fostering/adoption would be worth looking into?

I hope you have a wonderful life wherever it takes you. Be kind to yourself

Goodness me, I am in to way saying that women without children have no purpose. I am saying that all my life I was expecting to be a mother and finding out I can't biologically be one, has made me feel a little worthless. I'm aware of having a purpose that doesn't involve children, that is what I was wanting inspiration on.

To all the kind people who have given me suggestions and most importantly, not slated me...thank you! I really do appreciate it. I don't have a high flying career or any hobbies really but those are things I can look into.

I'll ask for this post to be moved, I'm just not sure where to. I thought AIBU may give me a good range of responses, and it most certainly has!!

Fuck ME there are some repulsive people on this thread.

What narcissism to see a post by someone grieving over life changing news, apply it to yourself and be offended.

OP - I'm in a different position to you as I have one child. However I also have experience of been given the new about infertility. I was - very wisely - told to allow yourself time to grieve.

You have been given a shock and suddenly had the life you planned pulled from under you - it is ok to find that difficult and OK to need reassurance.

I really hope you manage to come to terms with your diagnosis. Forgive the trite platitude, but time really does help. I wouldn't say it heals, but it helps

What sort of career do you have? I think that is crucial - and if you don't have one, now is the time to start.

Post in infertility where people actually get it op. Some absolutely disgusting posts on this thread.

I do have a fulfilling life. I don't even like children.

However the people who keep asking about it and comment on my life are the most annoying. I am trying to make new friends.

Can people not imagine it’s a bit different if you never wanted children than if you couldn’t have them?

OP, it was perfectly obvious (to me, anyway) that you meant YOU, who did build your future vision of your life on the idea of motherhood, not other people who chose to remain 'child-free'. And obviously a woman coming to terms with a fertility diagnosis is in a different place emotionally, mentally and psychologically than one building her life having chosen not to be a mother.

Have you done the marriage bit? How does your DH feel?

The irony of a load of childless women being bitches on a forum called Mumsnet.

@loserlikeme I don't have children. For the longest of time I believed I didn't want children and it was only when I asked myself how I'd feel if I didn't - or couldn't - have children, that I realised that I did. If that makes sense!

I'm a bit different to you - I can (so far as I know) have biological children. However I've chosen to adopt and am going through that process. There are so many children in care at the moment who would love a safe, stable, loving home. If this is something you'd consider doing I urge you to look into it.

Up until now I've felt my life has had purpose. I've had lots of great jobs and done lovely things, but if I was told I couldn't adopt I think I'd be at a loss. I think I'd feel much like you're probably feeling now. In that instance I'd do more to have children in my life in a positive way to give back. I'd help with the thousands of asylum seekers all over the world looking for safety for themselves and their families. I'd want to make a mark on the world to leave it in a better place for the generations that come next - environmentally, socially, whatever it may be. That would be my purpose.

Please do look into fostering or adoption - there's a forum on here especially for that. Sending you a hug. Ignore the haters xx