To ask what childless woman do to feel a sense of purpose in life?

[loserlikeme]

I've recently had a lot of tests to confirm that I'm unable to have children. Can I ask any childless women out there what you do to have a fulfilling life? I expect to get slated asking this, but I feel you grow up with the expectation of getting married and having children and now I feel a bit lost :( I think I just need a bit of inspiration and reassurance.

I'm in the same boat, I agree that Gateway Women is great.
I've had some awful comments over the years that have sent me into huge depression so I really have to fight against that.
Yes I did see having children as a big part of my future.
I'm now 47 and well travelled, hope that will never change.
Adoption/ fostering not for me.. mainly due to DP . He 's possibly infertile, I'm definitely infertile, been together 5 yrs, difference is he never wanted children.

Well, it is highly offensive to imply that women only have meaning in their life by reproducing.

But rather than get shirty with you as it's obviously not a happy time for you, i'll try and be helpful. You will have to make a shift in your perception of yourself - you are a valuable person in your own right.

Look for meaning and fulfillment in other areas of you life. You need to figure out which areas for yourself.

Maybe it is by being having meaningful relationships with family/friends/partner/wider community.

Maybe it is by working for a cause close to your heart.

Maybe it is religion.

Maybe it is your job.

Maybe you get heavily involved in a sport or activity.

Maybe it is by doing nothing special but just doing totally normal things.

Personally I find an awful lot of meaning in my life by being very average and enjoying myself and my life. I don't need to cure cancer just because I haven't reproduced.

Goodness me out come the bitches.
The OP wants to have children. Very very different from actively choosing not to.

OP I am sure you will find a purpose to your life and I hope you can find peace with your situation. As a mother I can completely understand that you are worried about the course your life will take now you realise that this may not happen for you.

Sorry to hear that OP, it must be awful if you want children but cannot have them biologically.

Adopt or foster?
Pursue a career that involves children?
Pursue a hobby that involves children?
Volunteer?

I chose not to have children, but get immense joy from being around others' children (nieces, friends etc). Outside of that contact, I fill my life with a career, travelling, wider family etc - in fact any of the things you would do with kids, just a different take on things. Take the positives from it: you can go away in term time, spend your money on you, enjoy quiet time whenever you want.. etc.

There’s a director at work whose career took off after she was told she couldn’t have kids. 10 years later she’s one of a few women of colour over a certain age on the board of a FTSE 100 company. She set up several surrogacy and infertility charities and hospitals in developing countries to help women with the same condition as her. She’s now fundraising for a variety of girls schools in Africa. Her life is more meaningful than any mother’s, because she has impacted thousands of children not just the ones she gave birth to.

Oh come on, someone posts for reassurance after finding out her life is going to be very different from how she imagined - how is that deserving of such vitriol?

OP I don't have any wise words but I hope you are able to find a sense of purpose once you've started to get used to your 'new normal'.

Stop shaming op for this post. It was NOT her choice not to have children which is obviously the cause of her feelings. It’s different if you’ve made that decision yourself.

Of course women don’t need children to lead a fulfilling life but if you’ve dreamed of having children then it can seem so. Different people, different perspectives- leave her alone.

^oh and I’ll add, this doesn’t mean op views childless women in this way. She’s simply explaining her OWN feelings!

Maybe live your life for you instead of fictional children? I hope you get severely slated for this post. Don't be a dick @Lily

Perhaps actually answering the op's question would be more helpful. What do you do to feel fulfilled? It's really not that fucking complicated. Op is clearly struggling to come to terms with a life without children - she is not suggesting that everyone without children is unfulfilled or she wouldn't have asked how you are fulfilled. Get it! FFS!

Not everyone grows up wanting to get married and have children.
No, but the OP did, hence why she posted!

In my own experience anyway... it's always biological mothers who mention fostering/adoption and admit they wouldn't do it themselves.
I find talk of that and charity work quite patronising (even though I worked in the charity sector for years, both paid and voluntary..but that was nothing to do with being unfulfilled or it being my purpose... I just applied for loads of jobs when moved towns and that's what I ended up doing..just chance)

OP, I have reported your post to MNHQ to see if they can move it away from all the deeply unpleasant people here, who are so bloody narcissistic they can't see a women clearly grieving. What a hateful shower.

Saying having kids is a woman's purpose might be seen as anti feminist on here OP. But I can see that you are asking a genuine question based on your circumstances so I hope posters will bear that in mind when answering.

This is the problem with the sense of purpose thing. You end up devoting your life to other people’s problems and being crapped all over for it.

Personally I have found friends children difficult. One of my friends is ridiculously strict with her child and it’s hard to stand by. Another friend is permissive to the point of ridiculousness and her children run wild.

People want to raise and parent their own child. Totally natural.

The thread title and some of the content of the OP are goady. Also this...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3389481-What-do-you-think-is-the-purpose-of-life

"What do you do to feel fulfilled?"

Go on holiday
Have a lie in
Make plans at the drop of a hat because I don't have to worry about childcare
Travel

Alltoomuch

It’s not patronising to point out that there are more ways to become a mother than just biologically

OP, you have had some v nasty responses to your post which are totally unnecessary. This is how MN has become lately, sadly.

However, your post is offensive to child free women because it implies that those women who don’t have children have no purpose in life and therefore their existence is pointless to society.

I am child free by choice and don’t give it a second thought until occasionally other people make it their business to make me feel bad about my (and my DH’s) decision not to have children. I am a science person, and don’t believe anyone has a ‘purpose’ in life, all I try to do is be a decent person while I’m living on this planet. That should be your ‘purpose’, if you have to have one. I think you should change the title of your post as it is rather inflammatory. Good luck

@RedDrink Maybe the problem lies with you and your perception. All I see is a woman who is clearly struggling asking those in a similar situation for reassurance and hope.

It is not remotely goady.

I am going to assume from your post that you have decided that you don’t wish to or can’t become a parent through other means (e.g. adoption, fostering, medical procedures).

I wanted children in my 20s/ early 30s but it never happened and my husband at the time and I didn’t wish to go down the long road of IVF.

Over a couple of years, my mindset changed and I became very happy and content with my child-free life. I feel so much joy in my life that I honestly wonder sometimes if it was fate that it turned out this way!

I enjoy my job but I don’t live for it. I work from home when I am not travelling with work and this allows me to take lunchtime walks, potter about in the garden, do a yoga class at lunchtime etc. I have the flexibility and limited responsibilities that mean I can devote myself to my job perhaps slightly more than colleagues with children and am rewarded well for this (in that I have a job that people with families may not choose due to travel time). So, I would say firstly that you now have a freedom to make sure your career works for you and not feel tied to a certain job due to financial reasons, school proximity or child-friendly hours.

Secondly, I have noticed that I can do things at the drop of a hat whereas friends and family with children have to plan more in advance. This level of freedom and choice is very fulfilling, if you use it to do things that make you feel good. For example, last thing on a summer Friday I have packed the tent, stuck the bike on the back of the car and headed off for a blissful weekend of walking, cycling and pub lunches. Or a Saturday lunch with a friend turns into a drink afterwards, turns into meeting another friend who happens to text me, and later that turns into dinner with my brother who lives in town. I have nothing that I “need” to be home for and can suit myself and do what feels right and good at the time without checking or asking with anyone else.

I could list other things but I think they probably fall into the above category of having the freedom to make choices which benefit you. This isn’t selfish! People may say that but what isn’t selfish about having children? People have children because they want children. Of course you have to be selfless at times to then raise children.

At the end of the day, it’s horses for courses. The above might not be enough for some people who really want to be parents but I think of this is something you are coming to terms with, you should certainly be encouraged by my life and story. Good luck OP!

OP if you really want children have you researched all your options regarding fertility treatments.
Sorry your going through this it's something many women myself included take for granted but there are many women with problems conceiving.

I think everyone needs goals and a sense of achievement to be truly content. For some people that might be having a lovely garden, for others it might be doing important charitable work. I totally understand if what you saw as your goal is no longer possible, then of course you are going to feel aimless. Give yourself time to grieve.

I think first you have to come to terms with not having children if this has always been your expectations what you really want.
We cancel you about our experiences but your solution is your own.

Can talk not cancel.