To ask what childless woman do to feel a sense of purpose in life?

[loserlikeme]

I've recently had a lot of tests to confirm that I'm unable to have children. Can I ask any childless women out there what you do to have a fulfilling life? I expect to get slated asking this, but I feel you grow up with the expectation of getting married and having children and now I feel a bit lost :( I think I just need a bit of inspiration and reassurance.

Not what you may want to hear. But I've been there, OP. And nothing else but children mattered to me. Despite other opportunies and experiences and hopes and dreams that I could have made come true, my life was worthless until we adopted four children. When they reached adulthood we then became foster carers (and also look after our grandchildren). Good luck with whatever you decide x

I believe now that children are a distraction from finding your purpose.

Hi OP - I'm late 40's and have no children and I'm very happy and full-filled. But then I would be because I chose not to have children.

I don't think anyone can tell you how to fill something that you clearly consider to be a void. You either need to find another way to have a mother-child relationship (adoption, foster-ing, surrogate etc) or you will need to deal with the fact you won't have children, rather than just trying to cover it up.

I'm sorry you are facing this. x

^Go on holiday
Have a lie in
Make plans at the drop of a hat because I don't have to worry about childcare
Travel^

You forgot the effortless clean and tidy house that remains that way and lots of money because you don't have to spend it on childcare, maternity leave or a family sized house near a good school .

I'm sure that the OP didn't mean to be as goady and inflammatory as her post appeared. I have relatives that couldn't have their own DCs despite years of trying, IVF etc and they now foster and adopt. They adopted the first two DCs that they fostered and they continue to foster other children too. This has made them very happy over the years giving a stable family environment to vulnerable children.

so sorry this has happened to you OP, you will come to terms with it, I'm late 40's and its not an issue now. I put more into my work and have a lovely home and great partner who I love going on holiday with and spending time with. I still get the pity looks when asked why I don't have children but ignore it. Good luck

I was told that I would not have children and i left a job that i was in for the good maternity leave. I went back to university to study nursing. We also changed church (might not be applicable to all but was a big life decision at the time). Everything I had geared my life around for when children arrived we changed, ie car, house, job.

My sister is the complete opposite of me. She grew up wanting her own family and through a series of events beyond her control the closest she'll ever get is being an aunty.

For a good few years she floundered, it really took the wind out of her sails and yes for the seemingly uncomprehending made her feel as though her purpose was never going to be realised so what was the point in trying anything.

I'm happy to say that she's out the other side now. She's taken up a hobby that is incredibly fulfilling, enjoyable, time consuming and which also led to her meeting her now husband. She travels all over the place experiencing and regales my children with her adventures.

This isn't the life she desired, but finally it's a life she's living rather than just existing in.

You have two ways to redirect your energy and purpose in life. Towards helping children who need it most through charity works, fostering or respite care.

The other would be by embarking on a new version of your life that sees you making the most of adult freedom by travelling, taking up a hobby, taking up a sport, campaigning for matters close to your heart...anything really that makes you take a deep breath and be satisfied that it's time well spent.

I'm sorry that this isn't the version of your life that you wanted. I'm not living the life I desired either, but you do find new ways of seeing the sunshine and having purpose beyond your original plans.

I didn't grow up with an expectation of having children nor dreaming of when I would

You speak as if women are only fit for reproduction, and can only be fulfilled through motherhood.

OP, have you had counselling regarding this? It really will help.

Me and my OH couldn't have children, even to this day it's down as 'unexplained infertility' (which is even more frustrating as they can't tell us what is actually wrong!).

If this is a recent thing for you, take some time, grieve, go see a counsellor.
Then when you're ready, and if you really want to be a Mum, there are options. We adopted, and have the most amazing 1 year old. The horror stories about adoption aren't as bad as you read in the press! It might not be for you, and isn't for everyone, but it's an option.

If not, there are plenty of things you can do, it will be down to you and what you find rewarding.
As others have said, maybe focus on your career, a hobby you love, a charity close to your heart, lots of amazing holidays all over the world, family members who are lonely etc.

Bloody hell, there are a load of nasty creatures on this thread.
Really sorry you are suffering op.
For those on here saying having kids isn't the be all and end all etc etc but it is of course the most powerful instinct we have, as do all living things, apart from just saying alive.
This of you who don't want kids are in the minority .
Op could you look into adoption/fostering?

'Personally I find an awful lot of meaning in my life by being very average and enjoying myself and my life'

Same here! There is a lot of pressure on women who are not mothers to do something 'amazing' to make up for it - start a really intense hobby, or do loads of charity work or whatever. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a quiet, steady sort of life, if you enjoy it.

That said, you are grieving right now, so please don't put yourself under any pressure to focus only on plans and positives. Find the Gateway Women community online, you will get loads of support and zero sneering on there.

Let me just start by saying how fuckin awful for you OP, what a shit day! I’m childless but not by choice.
I’ve yet to find something to fill that void OP, I also worked for years towards having a family and when it didn’t happen it was/is devastating. For me though it’s not a fulfillment issue it’s some type of instinct in me that drives me to ....well have/want a baby! I agree with @ alltoomuchrightnow what she has said rings true for me. Is a readjustment but I’d advise talking to someone professionally sooner rather then later.
I hope you find your fulfillment, best of luck!

Wow! Some of the nastiness on this thread

I was told that my chances of having a child were very slim, so I decided that grieving for something that probably would never happen was poitless and destructive.

I spent my infertile years, working in a couple of jobs I loved, and travelling. I felt valued and fulfilled. I eventually had a baby at 41, and my life is different, not better but different. I don't feel any more or less fulfilled than I did before.

I found suggestions to adopt or foster patronising. Instead I just got on with my life. I hope you can as well.

Travel?

Maybe my original statement was a little harsh but the title of this thread is incredibly inflammatory. The assumption that without children we as women have no purpose is a very backwards way to view your existence and quite offensive to those who can't have children and have since come to terms with it. OP, YOU have purpose, YOU have meaning and your life is first and foremost for you. Whilst I empathise that not being able to fulfill a life plan you've always envisioned, especially where children are concerned is beyond upsetting, it does not mean that your life therefore lacks purpose. Please don't think that not being able to have children for whatever reason makes you any less valued. You are loved and wanted as it is and I really hope you find peace with your life as it is. X

Hey Op. Firstly I'm so sorry for your situation. I had a similar issue but we have been lucky enough to have a son by donor egg ivf. Until then I was consumed by sadness and to be plain, jealousy , at people who were popping out kids like peas.

You shouldn't be slated for your post. It's those who have made nasty hurtful comments that should be ashamed. Not wanting kids is very very different to not having that choice at all.

Perhaps some counselling might help xxx

@lilyheather1 Mon 22-Oct-18 13:51:26
Maybe live your life for you instead of fictional children? I hope you get severely slated for this post.

Why? Genuine question.

The op may have phrased it a bit poorly but she's just been given life changing news. I'm sure she can be forgiven for a poor choice of words given the circumstances.

seriously, if you are incapable of only reading the thread title and find a single paragraph where the OP's distress is clear to see too much to read then you probably shouldn't post.

OP, like lily I read your title and thought WTF?

I am childless, partly by choice, all decisions made due to life, circumstances and general 'stuff'. I am valued, loved, supported and successful - 3 careers and counting

I do sympathise but cannot imagine you sitting and pondering your now useless life! That simply is not true, it is a highly emotional response to something that you have no control over. You make yourself sound like a woman brought up to only be valued via your fertility.

I mean this exactly as it is written: Get a grip! Stand up and get the fuck out there and make yourself a life that puts you firmly at the centre. Fuck anyone who even vaguely says it must be the end of anything!

... why are you still sat there reading this?

Assuming basic comprehension skills it was obvious op meant her, no one else.

Or do you all think everything is all about you?

I think if MN is now the place where a woman who has been given horrendous and life changing news is now the place she is told to - firmly, no less - “get a grip” it is no longer a community I wish to be part of.

Do you think everything is about you Silvery?

It's not fair to suggest the OP can't feel upset.
It's exactly the same as if you'd always thought you would become a doctor, move to Australia etc. It's having the ground swept under your feet.

Some people wouldn't be upset by it, and that's fine. Personally I feel no need to move to Australia, but my friend who tried to get a work visa there and failed was upset and I could comfort her as something that meant a lot to her, even though I wouldn't want to.

Saying "well I don't want to, so you shouldn't be upset" would be wrong.

OP, think about what you want to do. Do you want to spend with children, or would you find a hobby better? This may change over the years. It may be at the moment volunteering with children is too raw. That doesn't mean that you can't come back to it.