To ask what childless woman do to feel a sense of purpose in life?

[loserlikeme]

I've recently had a lot of tests to confirm that I'm unable to have children. Can I ask any childless women out there what you do to have a fulfilling life? I expect to get slated asking this, but I feel you grow up with the expectation of getting married and having children and now I feel a bit lost :( I think I just need a bit of inspiration and reassurance.

So many drama queens on mumsnet (not you op)

And I have apologised for my comment Ford.

Had she said "I've already considered adoption" then your comment would be valid.

Did you not read my post? EVERY person struggling to conceive is aware of adoption as a possible option. It is patronising and bloody annoying to suggest it. Do you honestly think anyone will reply “oh, thank i hasn’t thought of that?”

Every infertile woman, who wants children, has considered adoption and then after that every person who finds out about their infertility mentions it to them like they are the first person to ever say it.

Every single infertile person is aware that adoption is an option

We haven't been living under a rock

It's not like they won't have agonised about whether they feel it would be a route for them

And in any case if your first choice would have been to have a birth child, you have to have come to terms with not being able to have your own biological children before you can begin the adoption process

Adoption is about finding homes for children, not children for infertile couples.

I cannot believe the harsh accusations levels at the OP when she said that she felt and she said that she needed reassurance. Words fail me sometimes.

A friend of mine cannot have children. She has much adored pets, goes on luxury holidays, has a great social life a great job, a wonderful marriage , lots of hobbies and good friends. She spends time with friends' children and her nieces/nephews.

OP, I am biologically infertile, but very fortunate to have adopted (informally - birth mum refused) my late husband's son.

He came into my life when he was 5, after I met his dad, who was the RP.

He's now in his early 20s, still lives at home with me, and brings me happiness every day. We make a great team. TBH it's rare that we "remember" we're not related by blood.

There have been a lot of challenges along the way, mainly due to abuse from his maternal family which has caused him PTSD, social anxiety and depression.

If you feel you are up to the challenge of taking on a child with MH issues/learning difficulties/physical disabilties etc then please consider adoption. But don't feel like you "should" be doing it.

You need to take some time to grieve now for the future you thought was going to happen. It may take you 2-3 years to come to terms with. It may take you 10.

For me, I'd say it was about 5 years from finding out I was infertile. Bearing in mind I'd been TTC for the previous 10 years, endured countless tests, been on Clomid which made me suicidal (and was completely pointless since all tests showed I was ovulating normally, the consultant just threw it at me as a sop to "oh yeah we're trying to help".)

I'm sorry, I didn't want to go on about my own situation.

Please take care OP and definitely get this thread moved.

People always say the following unhelpful things.

Why don't you adopt/foster? (Why didn't you?)
You can have mine!!
Get a dog/cat/hobby
My aunt's best friend's stepdaughter has just adopted from X country
The world is overpopulated anyway (not) due to infertile people!)
Everything happens for a reason

OP 

polka you forgot the “my friend’s aunt’s cousin took Chinese herbs/turmeric/coconut oil and they got pregnant”
Or “start the process of adopting and you’ll get pregnant”
Or “just relax and it’ll happen for you”...

Sorry, wrong thread 

Exactly, Purple.

The state of some of the replies on here. Utterly shameful.

OP, there’s also been some great advice and I especially like the answer that involved finding a life that you’re living in, not just existing. Take your time, there’s no set roadmap or timeline.
All the best.

Are there really still women out there whose only life goals are to marry and have children? Wow!

Do you hand children?

The end of my post seems to have disappeared.

Where does it say the op’s only goals were to marry and have children? What’s wrong with wanting kids and being sad when that doesn’t happen?

hi OP, sorry to hear your news. Won't purport to give you any advice on fertility therapies, adoption etc. However I can say that if you don't end up having kids, life can definitely be fulfilling!

My husband and I are childfree by choice and we are very busy with our respective hobbies (both of which are mini businesses - mine is jewellery his is woodwork), compete in lots of running events, do the allotment, look after our chickens and our pets, catch up with friends, go to the gym a few times a week, do a few sessions of yoga...there's loads more stuff I'd like to have the time to do (piano, writing etc) but right now we can't fit it in.

I think the key is to do stuff you genuinely find fulfilling. A lot of our friends are having kids now and there are fewer boozy dinner parties and more walks in the park with the kids and trips to cafes, that's absolutely fine too, but your relationship with them will change. So it's important not to hang everything on those especially if you are likely to find being around their kids a bit painful. In my opinion having your own hobbies and interests that you can pursue is absolutely key to a fulfilling life.

The OP has asked a question, people are trying to answer. Some posters feel the only appropriate answer is to emphasise and acknowledge infertility is shit. The OP didn’t ask for that, she asked what others do in her situation. Rather than mock other posters why not give some solid advice, the mockery sounds so bitter.

Hello Op. Really interesting and valid question. I thought I couldn’t have children and so I was asking myself that exact question. My plan was to change my life completely - move, possibly abroad, change jobs etc I.e. I still wanted a dramatic life change, just a different one to having children. Look at your life and consider all the options now open to you.
Hope you’re ok given some of the responses on this thread.

I'm sorry you have had so many rude comments on here.
It must be very difficult adjusting your idea of What your future will look like but there are other ways you can have children in your life. There are lots of beautiful children that are born to parents that can't cope. If you could find it in your heart to adopt or foster you would be doing something amazing for the most vulnerable children.
If not there are other things in life that will help you feel a sense of purpose, travelling or a fulfilling career perhaps? I hope you have joined the infertility threads to get support. X

@blue25 Are there really still women out there whose only life goals are to marry and have children? Wow!

There are women out there with all sorts of ambitions. nobody has said it has to be anybody's only life goal but there are many women whose primary life plan includes the goals of either marriage or children or both. None of which has to mean that they don't also want fulfillment, a career, wealth/health/happiness, fame or fortune.

to add, whenever anything happens which means the life you envisaged is no longer possible for you it is both a shock and a sort of bereavement. a period of mourning/grief often needs to be overcome before a new vision or where your life can take you can be built.

I’ve done various things, at different points.

I fall into the category of “Don’t really want kids myself, but if a partner did I would think about it”. Even so, I had some unexpected emotional moments recently, as my age means it’s unlikely I’ll have children now. I realised I missed the sense of possibility.

So, in my early twenties it was about educational attainment. Then in my late twenties and early thirties it was about career. I made sure my career was meaningful. At first I worked setting up university scholarships for kids from poor backgrounds, then I worked for a charity that concentrated on infant and maternal health in the third world. Both were incredibly rewarding and gave me a huge sense of purpose. So much so that I was very driven and very successful.

I realise in retrospect that a big part of this was because I wanted my mum to be proud of me, even if I didn’t give her grandchildren. On her deathbed, she told me she understood, that she realised that I wasn’t meant to be on the front line of bringing children into the world, but that I had fought and worked very hard to help other people have healthy children. That is probably the best moment of my entire life, to feel understood like that and accepted.

It is a bit like any life goal not coming true, a particular career not working out, a much worked for achievement missed, a marriage gone wrong. Perhaps worse because sometimes there is nothing you could have done to change it.

Sometimes the path not chosen can turn out to be a good one after all, sometimes a sadness remains. Wishing you all the best, @loserlikeme, even if I have nothing useful to add.