The mind numbing boredom of infertility IV

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

Yes it's the return of the thread where we're so fucking bored of being infertile and talking about infertility and thinking about infertility and worrying and infertility and learning about infertility treatment and explaining infertility to other people and making up lies to cover up for going for infertility tests and treatment that we can't even be bothered to think of a better name for the thread.

Join us if you are barren, bored and bitter, or any combination of the above. We'll listen to your tails of woe when everyone you've ever met upduffs in an instant, accompany you through the trials of tests and treatment and commiserate the inevitable setbacks and disappointments.

Welcome to the ghetto.

When I can work out links, I'll post linnks to threads 1, 2 and 3

Thank you. Yes lh short with icsi this time. We basically got no fertilisation and then 10% appeared to be late fertilisation but basically was all clearly rubbish. My amh is 12 so not too bad at all but a bit low for my age (34) hence them wanting long protocol.
I got 12 eggs with long, 10 mature.

10 mature eggs! No wonder you were hacked off with crap fertilisation.

With ICSI I think you should be feeling VERY optimistic, even with a short anatagonist cycle. Your AMH sounds bloody marvellous to me.

Keep us informed...

Bean I'm sorry that you're having to start again but at least the short protocol is quicker once you get there. That's a good % of mature eggs. I've only ever done ICSI on long protocol and first time someone mentioned short protocol I was so confused (what do you mean you start stimming straight after your AF?).

How frustrating bean. 7 1/2 weeks! Nightmare.

Yep. After ec they basically said "see you on d5" (no one expected the shit fertilisation as I've had 2 MC and a daughter conceived after drilling). So you can imagine the comedown on d1 when they phoned. Poor banana had to listen to me wailing on the phone.

Peaop- so sorry to hear that. It's so hard and the thought of doing it all again when you wanted it to work so much and had your hopes up deep down even when you told yourself it wouldn't work is beyond fucking dismal. I am feeling human again a month on but have found it takes its toll like little else. Be kind to yourself. Thinking of you x

Pea - I'm very sorry.

today I'm feeling very much like the thread is titled. Totally and utterly mind numbingly bored of infertility. My DH tells me I need to be more positive towards the prospect of IVF in January (or it won't work!). I've convinced myself it will fail. Everything else we've tried has. I do get where he's coming from and it must be frustrating for him, but it's a defence mechanism I think. Surely the fall if it fails will be so much harder if I try and convince myself it's going to work? (Or who am I kidding? I'll no doubt fall just as hard either way so maybe I should just paint on a smile for DH, dance about and chuck some baby dust!?)

Well, I'm still a week a way from my OTD but I've got the usual pains, headache and discharge which tell me that AF is round the corner. Stopped all side affects of the progesterone too so I doubt I'm going to make it to OTD without bleeding, not sure if the progesterone will stop it but I would usually expect AF to turn up tomorrow. Fucked off to put it mildly. We can't do another cycle til February (a few months away from me turning 42...) and the consultant told me at ET that the polyp that showed up at the end of stimming that, while not so big as to cancel the cycle, should be removed before the next cycle. No way we can wait for NHS to do it (I'll probably be 45 before it's done) so that more money (a few thousand? I've no idea) that we have to spend on the tiny, almost negligible chance that we are ever going to be parents.

Closephine I also believe in not being overly optimistic to protect from failure. I hated when people told me to be positive as I'd just think that they don't know what we've been through and how exhausting it is to remain positive for years while nothing happens! I have been assured that this is one instance where thinking that it will/won't work actually has no impact on outcome, if that helps.

Tammy I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. AF symptoms and very early pregnancy symptoms are not hugely dissimilar so maybe don't write this cycle off just yet. I had a polyp removed after down regging on my first cycle, privately it cost about £4K and I was seen by the same consultant within a week. My NHS pre-op assessment was scheduled 2 months away, I don't know when the op would've been, but fortunately it was covered by my medical insurance so I could go private.

I have the same mindset closephkne and it drives my husband bonkers. I'm trying to recent to hope for the best and expect the worst in tandem as a half way house but it's a challenge. I think it's all bollocks anyway and stress has very little to do with it.
As an aside my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer on the day i had my 12 week scan with my daughter. To say I was desolate doesn't really do the emotion justice. My parents and husband told me not to cry too much as it wasn't good for the pregnancy. The gynaecologist who had just told us that our family was over as we knew it told me in no uncertain terms that that was a total load of garbage and ultimately either things will be ok or they won't. Yes clearly some things won't help but day to day life doesn't stop just because of fertility treatment or pregnancy. You have to do what you need to do to survive.

BlueRose> If it was just normal AF symptoms then I wouldn't write it off but I get very particular just pre-AF discharge (kind of watery) which tells me it's over. And there is no way we can afford another cycle, plus ICSI plus £4K for polyp removal. £4K?! Fuck, fuck, fuck. That's it for us I guess. No hope of a natural BFP, no hope of affording another cycle.

Tammy I see what you mean, I'm sorry. I should have said that I didn't shop around for the hysteroscopy and polyp removal so I don't know if that's the going rate but it might be worth getting the NHS referral as soon as you can after OTD.

Bean hoping for the best and expecting the worst sounds like a good compromise.

bean I second pointing out to DH etc that constant optimism is shattering both in terms of energy and emotional health.

tammy hoping you are wrong on this occasion.

Waves to everyone else.

Our bfn has been confirmed. Wait for follow up letter with appointment date which should arrive in the next few weeks. At least I get to stop with the arse bullets now.

A little cheer - someone at work made unicorn biscuits for Macmillan coffee morning. Do I have a fellow barren lurking?

Pea that biscuit is epic. So sorry the bfn confirmed. Be kind to you and mr pea.

Period started today. Starting short protocol on weds in a hope of salvaging something from this cycle.

Go bean! Fx

Good luck Bean, I usually do short protocol and I've had a reasonable response with it given that I'm a poor responder anyway. I'll be keeping everything crossed for you for a good response and fertilisation. How gutting must your last cycle have been to hear that news.

Closephine, I say ignore him! To add my two penneth, think it can be really harmful to us to be told that having a positive attitude will make a difference in this situation, it implies we have some control over what happens and with that comes guilt, anxiety and additional reasons to beat ourselves up. I'm firmly of the camp that it will happen or not regardless.

So sorry PeaOp. It's just shit. Love the biscuit though!

Tammy, I hope it's not af on the way, keeping my fx for you.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. Prague went ok for me, didn't really feel the scratch which worried me a bit, but all other bloods etc are done and meds collected. I feel a bit sick at the thought of cycling again it's so effin stressful

Second period after failed cycle been sick all day splitting headache feel weepy. Why is this all so shit? Feel am completely at mercy of my crappy system. Sorry for me me me post but feeling very sorry for myself today and need a little offload x

Ah sara it's the fucking pits. Wallow away and drink wine I say. Hope you feel better soon.

Glad it went ok beaky. Fingers crossed for this cycle, hope it isn't too stressful. How long will you spend in Prague? Are you doing short protocol?

Hope your cycle goes better this time bean.

Hope you're doing ok peaop.

Fingers crossed for you tammy, any news?

Hope the rest of you fiends are surviving.

I am coming down with something, fuck it. Throat is very sore, and feels like the beginnings of a cold. Really don't want to go into a transfer being unwell, my control freakery does not cope well with this.

AF arrived so that cycle now put to bed. Been for a short run. DH taking me out for steak tonight...

So sorry to hear this PeaOp. Take really good care of yourself. Steak sounds good.

Also thinking of you Tammy. Any news?

Hugs to you Sara. Sorry you are feeling so low.

So sorry to hear that pea.

Afm scan today prior to starting stims. Complete disaster. Cyst is bigger. Therefore can't start treatment until that's gone. Need to go on the pill. Going to have to have 2 months as husband away next month. Also means that I can have a scan after one month to check that cyst has gone as I can't face arriving to start a cycle and abandoning again.

Hi Fiends. How is everyone doing in the ghetto?

Sat watching Bake Off feeling rather blurr. Not sure what's the matter with me, maybe a mix of pre IVF nerves and PMT but I have got a muzzy head and have weird, stinking (beware TMI) flatulence. It burns so much when it passes! I wonder if I'm OD'ing on the suppliaments?! Or maybe the protein powder I started taking to bulk up the eggs..either way, I'm feeling highly toxic right about now.

Karla, protein powder KILLS me in terms of bloating and gas. That explains your farts I'm afraid!

Have been sitting working out dates. After one cycle of the pill period would be due maybe around 30oct. Now man flies on 16th. So actually that is potentially time isn't it to do a short protocol and get to egg colletion before he goes isn't it? Though I'm of course not so familiar with short.

Hi all

Bean - I can't begin to imagine what you must have gone through with your Mum. I am so sorry. I know deep down what you are dying is right though, whether I be positive or whether i be negative, it's not going to make a jot of difference! Sorry too that your cyst is bigger and delaying you further. Could you stop the pill a couple of days short? Sounds to me like you could have time before he goes...

Pea - That sucks so much that your cycle failed. You sound like you are handling it very well. Hope you enjoyed your steak and drank some

Sara - don't apologise, you are just saying what we all feel at different times. Vent and moan all you like!

Ok so to have this moan... I am going to have to admit to the fact that I was watching loose women yesterday (!) (in my defence I work from home and i like a bit of Phil and Holly whilst I work, I just don't tend to stop to turn it off when it comes on) ANYWAY to get to the point... they were discussing whether Cheryl Cole/Tweedy/whoever she is now, is hiding a pregnancy (most probably) and whether you should or should not just tell the world as soon as you find out you are pregnant (pointless discussion about what is a personal decision unique to your own situation). One of the panel members (Sira someone?) was saying she went through 4 years of infertility before having successful IVF, they then kept it a secret until her 12 week scan. Colleen Nolan sat and listened to her speak for about 5 minutes then literally responded with 'hmm oh well... but I still wanna know!!' (Referring to Cheryl and is she/isn't she). If she had been in my presence I could have slapped her! She totally brushed off the whole of her co hosts speech about IVF/ fertility problems and not only that, clearly didn't listen to a word she said about people wanting to keep it private due to the circumstances not always being rosy. It just made me feel so sad to think someone would just totally brush off another's infertility as if they'd just been told 'they didn't have any milk at the super market' - 'hmm oh well'! I think this is one of those situations where my mother would tell
Me I'm being over sensitive!