The mind numbing boredom of infertility IV

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

Yes it's the return of the thread where we're so fucking bored of being infertile and talking about infertility and thinking about infertility and worrying and infertility and learning about infertility treatment and explaining infertility to other people and making up lies to cover up for going for infertility tests and treatment that we can't even be bothered to think of a better name for the thread.

Join us if you are barren, bored and bitter, or any combination of the above. We'll listen to your tails of woe when everyone you've ever met upduffs in an instant, accompany you through the trials of tests and treatment and commiserate the inevitable setbacks and disappointments.

Welcome to the ghetto.

When I can work out links, I'll post linnks to threads 1, 2 and 3

Thanks Sara, it's weird as I never actually expected it to work but at the same time it's made me feel like a massive failure.

Joey - how are you doing? Have you retested?

Tammy - hope you're doing ok and that you got some to freeze?

Has anyone found the come down from ivf drugs worse than any side effects during treatment? I actually found whilst injecting etc that I felt fine, no mood swings, my skin was great, my hair looked good, I just generally didn't react at all to the drugs. No bloating etc. But since stopping, I have been having night sweats, come out in spots, my hair looks lank and for the last couple of days I've been in a FOUL mood (just had a massive go at DH for mopping the floor without sweeping first, which obviously was pretty dumb but not something he'd normally get yelled at for!). It's making me wonder if I actually have some kind of hormone imbalance that the drugs were helping!?

Cross posts Joey. Sorry you are in the same shitty place. I hope it goes ok at the clinic next week. Do you mind me asking what your AMH is etc and if it was your first round? Apologies I can't remember if you've said before.

Hi Close, don't worry. Yes, af arrived on the day I was due to retest. It's not a nice one either - very heavy and painful too. My FSH was 4.2 and LH was 5.6 with clear fallopian tubes and a healthy womb so all good there but my problem is my amh. I'm very embarrassed to say but it was was 3.84 when last tested so it could be even worse now. I'm 41 so it's to be expected but it's still pretty awful and depressing. It was my first round. I knew we'd probably have to go down the donor route but I (and the clinic) wanted to let me try with my eggs first.

Thanks guys. In the end we only got 3 good enough to freeze but I suppose that's to be expected for a geriatric lady like me (soon to be 42). We were so relieved to get any, me and DH literally spent Saturday morning weeping and holding one another until they called with the news (when we should have been happy and together at the ET but that's what the shit show does to you). Trying not think of the possibility of them all failing to thaw (not doing a very good job of it as you can see...). I'm a mature student atm so we'll put off doing the FET until the summer, after my exams. Last thing I want is for our last chance to fail and then fuck up my potential career the way it's fucked up every other aspect of our lives (including my old career!).

Sorry to hear you are feeling down, close and Joey but it's perfectly understandable (there would definitely be something wrong with your psychologically if it wasn't the case but I know that's cold comfort atm).

Really Sorry for you both close and joey.

Still here and lurking. Due to start again in May. Not very well at all really. Tammy your comment about career really hit home. Gp finally put me on antidepressants. Signed me off last week but I'm a partner and self employed so have still been going in. Hate it. Hate everything. Spend most days crying. In partnership with three men, one knows what has been going on and has long ran out of sympathy. Cut throat business that I no longer have the time energy or patience for. Problem is I don't have the courage to quit and accept that there is yet another aspect of my life I have failed in. Clinging on with some stupid hope of maintaining some kind of normality. Can't sleep, no motivation, so tired. Just don't see an end to this. Accepting help from gp has no doubt closed door to every being allowed to adopt. I'm just so fucking angry and bitter. I really don't see how I can keep going.

I feel like I have tried everything and nothing helps. Seen counsellor, hated it. Tried talking to friends, feel so me me me. Force myself to walk dogs every day, sometimes lifts fog slightly but not for long. Done acupuncture, reflexology, massage, seen a psychic, bought a hot tub, bought another dog. Booked a holiday, taking fourteen mineral supplements a day. Now medication. Just want to close my eyes and not wake up. Such a failure. Hate myself.

Sorry for the pity post, just really really low today. Tears just won't stop. Dh worried sick about me. Feel like such a fraud.

Reading that back it sounds like I'm such a loser. I do try. I function, I get up, go to work, look after my nieces and nephews, run the house, cook, clean, help on the farm. Show dogs, ride, lamb sheep. But it's like I'm watching someone else do it. I don't feel anything except misery anymore.

Sorry to hear you are so low fourpaws. I know how hard it is to pull yourself out of it, I'm only intermittently successful in that regard. It can't help that you have a pressurized work environment either. Is it possible to find a different counsellor or was it the process you hated? Personally I do think talking about it does help but I understand why you might want to not keep talking about it with friends and then there's the fact that talking about it is, in itself, not easy. From what I've heard and read, asking for help from your GP would not necessarily be frowned upon, re:adoption - the fact that you acknowledged you needed help and sought it would be seen as a positive. I can definitely relate to the zombie-like, going through the motions aspect of living with infertility hanging over you. It's like you are waiting for something to happen for years, and it's still not happening and not only that but you feel shitty about it and everyone else is in their own little world, with the thing you want most in the world, and you've been left behind. If it helps then think of all of us standing with you, even though you can't see us we are there in spirit. If you want to imagine me then think of a blonder, prettier and more serene Angeline Jolie.

(I may have lied about that last bit.)

Hello Fourpaws. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. A lot of the time, I also feel like I'm just about holding it together. I look around and see happy families and I feel that it's another aspect of my life that I've failed in. I desperately want to have a child of my own but I know that I have to brace myself that this dream really might not happen. I know I can't fully understand the pain you're going through but I do get where you're coming from. I just want you to know that we're here for you and don't think telling your friends makes you me me me. It definitely doesn't.
I agree with everything that Tammy has said above and as she said I definitely don't think where you're working helps at all. Is there anyway you can just get away for a days?

Hi all... oh i do love this forum for when I'm feeling particularly barren. Had an (expected but instadiff) baby bomb this morning (are they still baby bombs if they're expected?) from close friends. Told my dh (gently!) and he was so upset and sad. It was a really good reminder for me that our lovely men go through this too and that actually, even in the darkest, lonliest, 3am weepy times, there's soneone else going through it with us.
I'm off to buy him a box of chocolates to cheer him up!
Hope everyone's ok ...

Hi all

It feels like everyone has been thrown a load of shit lately (and not the glittery kind!) 😟 I suppose at least we are in good company?!

Tammy - Really glad to hear that you had some to freeze. Hope you are feeling a little better now.

Joey - hope you are feeling a little better too after AF. Your numbers sound like it was definitely worth trying with your own eggs first and certainly nothing to be embarrassed about!

FourPaws - I don't know what to say really other than we're all here for you to vent. I get what you are saying about Me Me Me. I feel like that sometimes with my friends and get scared if I sound like a broken record even the good ones are going to get fed up with me!

InThis - argh hate a baby bomb! Saying about your DH pulled at my heart strings. I think often I forget that my DH is going through it all too.

Tiger - if you're reading this, I saw your news on the failures thread and I'm so so sorry

Not a lot to report from me. Got rage watching This Morning today when they were brandishing about 'why don't you just adopt/foster?' To an infertile lady who had called in. Like it's JUST THAT FUCKING EASY?! Also feeling like ivf has screwed up my cycle. I'd normally have some signs of ovulation approaching by now but have had none. So now I'm worried my ovaries have shut down.

Hope you don't mind me joining in. I'm a newbie.

Feeling terribly down and sorry for myself today, so....

I've occasionally pop to this forum and just lurk and read the posts, when i'm trying to understand things on this horrible journey.

About myself, i've been TTC for 2+ years (27 months), and it bloody sucks. I'm 35 and all unexplained reasons to why we can't conceive, everything is healthy, tubes are fine, sperm count is fine etc. No MC.

Hate all the pills, injections, tests, scans, and all the lies/stories on why we don't yet have kids.

Will be doing my first round of IVF in June, and have utmost respect for all women who have to go through it.

Sorry, for such a down post. Does this get any better?

Hi ticktock I just wanted to say you're not alone. I'm also 35 have been trying about 17 months. No bfps at all. Wish we had started earlier! Haven't had tubal patency test yet but hopefully will do soon then on to ivf. It's so difficult and expensive. Not sure what I will do if I find out I'm infertile. Hate the thought that I'm the reason we can't have kids. Just feel like it'll never happen for me.. How does everyone cope? I think about infertility all the time now and feel like it's ruining my life. Not many people we can talk to about it...

Even suggested OH should try with someone else if ivf doesn't work. He was having none of it tho.

Hi all. Welcome Newbies. Just caught up - this is a busy place. So sorry that we're all having nothing but shit flung our way. It just sucks.

Fourpaws I really feel for you. You know about my circumstances, so you know I understand how it feels to wear a mask while feeling like life is completely hopeless. I gave up a very rewarding career to be a mum, and when I lost him I couldn't go back. So I've got that failure to live with too. I've just started doing some voluntary work, just to keep from feeling like a complete waste of oxygen. Please keep sharing - you are in understanding company.

Close and Joey, I'm so sorry things didn't work out. IVF always screws with my cycles too. It will settle down again. Last month I was so hormonal I felt like a teenager again, and I had the most ridiculous uber-ovulation - again, like being a teenager. Not that it helped! This month, no signs of anything whatsoever. It does take its toll on your body, but things will settle down.

As for me, I've decided that I'm definitely done with my own eggs. At 42 I'm ready to accept that our mcs and failed IVFs are enough - I can't keep putting myself through it. I'm also scared about the increased risks associated with maternal age. I don't think I could survive losing another child - losing one nearly killed me. So, we're off to Athens for our consultation next week, and I won't be swayed from using donor eggs. DH has agreed to embryo adoption if there are any issues with his sperm DNA. I'm done with climbing mountains. I'm happy now to take the short cut. I know, once my baby is in my arms, I won't give a flying fuck how it got there. I just need to hear a voice calling me mama again.

Mira - I've had the same 'leave me here, save yourself!' type conversions with DH. He just tells me to shut up and stop assuming that he's a complete arsehole!

fuzzy so sorry to hear what you've been through.

I am prone to depression but after I found OH thought I'd never be that way again but now I feel that black dog everyday. Thank God for our other halves though, we're so lucky to have them...sometimes I think I must have used my lifetimes worth of good fortune on him! And I think he's worth it! (Only is he lucky to have me??)
Hope your next treatment goes well. Thanks for responding it makes me feel less alone that there are other people who feel like I do.

Yep Mira, it took me 39 years and I kissed a lot of frogs, but I finally found a keeper. Have you considered going abroad? We've just shelled out £16k on IVF in this country. If we'd gone abroad we'd have got the same thing for less than half the price. We're going to Serum in Athens for our next round. I like their prices, but also their approach and ethics feel much better to me. I wish you all the best. Depression can be hard to bear, and it's hard to escape the triggers. I can't walk out my front door or switch on the TV without being bombarded by images of babies and little boys. My son died at 13 months. It's hard work. Keep sharing. This group is very supportive.

Close, I am feeling better. I still obviously wish it had worked but at least I'm not crying all the time now. I had a baby bomb 3 days after I did my test result and that was hard but I got through it. I think, for me, I had to tell myself that this is not the end and look at next steps.

I had a follow-up consultation this week and they basically said that although they were pleased that I had two good quality fertilised embryos, they have put the reason it failed down to my age. They said my chances of having a child with my own eggs was roughly 5%! My plan is now to try another clinic, in this country or abroad. I am going to ask about would they be able to do anything with my decrepit eggs but I know that going down the donor route is my best option. I agree Fuzzy, I really don't care that it's someone else's eggs. I just want to be a mum. Fuzzy can I ask you a favour? Could you just let me know how it goes in Athens and what is the procedure regarding donor eggs as Serum is one of the clinics I'm considering.
Welcome Ticktock and InThisTogether to our little thread.

I will indeed Joey. Close has just come back from there and given me some good feedback. We've already had a telephone consultation with Penny (clinic director) and we absolutely love her attitude and approach. The only issue is that she would like us to try again with our own eggs, but our minds are made up so we will have to be assertive when we see her next week. We felt that the Care consultant gave us lots of spiel, sold us loads of add-ons that didn't help, and all they went on about was my age. Serum seem a little more holistic and personalised in their approach, and far less about the money. But we're 100% sure that we want to swing the odds in our favour. Donor egg success is up to 58% at Serum. Our odds with my own was something like 12% at Care. I'm sick of it! GIVE ME A BABY!!! NOW!!!!!!!! I'll PM you with a full report when we're back. Remind me if I forget

Hi all

Welcome to the newbies.

Ticktock - I found the 2.5 year mark the hardest. I was a total mess this time last year but seem to be more numb to it now. I don't think it gets better, but I think you learn coping mechanisms and generally more resigned to the shit that keeps coming rather than being floored by it. But that's just my personal experience and I'm sure everyone is different.

MrFuzzy - my heart aches for you every time you mention your little boy. I wonder if you should perhaps email Penny and make it quite clear that you want to go the donor route before you go over there. Be honest and say a few of the things you've said on here. I only say this, because before we went we had discussed using donor sperm with half my eggs, but once we got there she talked us round to just using DH's (although I think this was the right decision for us anyway as I don't think we were ready to give up on his swimmers just yet).

Joey - there's a really comprehensive document about Serum on fertility friends here www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=274114.0
Basically answers all questions you could ever have about the clinic!

As for me, I have the worst acne of my entire life. I'm generally not a spotty person, I just get one on my chin around AF, but my face is COVERED. It's hideous. I'm also having horrible moods. It's like not being pregnant wasn't enough, someone thought let's chuck a truck load of spots at her and put her in a foul mood just to really ice the sodding cake. Still no sign of ovulation either which is really screwing with my plan of going for the FET before Easter.

I need lots of and maybe some

I might do that, Close. We've talked & talked it through and we know that she can be very persuasive, so hopefully we'll be able to stick to our guns. She knows all about our son, and she was very empathic, so she's got to understand our worries related to increased maternal age. If for no other reason, we want healthy young eggs. DH is the one who's likely to be swayed, but even he is adamant about it this time. About your lovely teenage skin (!) I had that too. It's cleared up now but it took a while. My shoulders were the worst. I also had some evil headaches for a few weeks after. I definitely recommend a large glass of red

Thanks Close for the link. It will definitely help me to decide and Fuzzy a pm would be great when you get back. I take it you have to go over there for a consultation first of all and then go back for treatment when they've found a donor.

I'm giving in and asking if I may join you here...?

I've been trying to be positive and avoid thinking in terms of infertility, but today I realised I've gone beyond the point of even having hope. I used to hope every month would be it. Every little thing that happened was a sign I was probably pregnant. But this month I realised that I've looked through our diaries and planned work trips and holidays, not based on "I might be this many months pregnant by then", but based on when we have to be in the same place because that's when I'll most likely be ovulating :( I've projected ahead a whole year, calculating fertile periods (I'm blessedly regular), on the assumption that IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Pffff. So, here I am. Me and my giant lack of hope. Hi!

We know we'll most likely only succeed with ICSI, but my husband doesn't want to go there, so...we wait.

I must say, it is a heartbreaking relief to find there are so many others who understand this. I'm sorry for all the struggles we face.

Hi fiends, we are a go for transfer with our FET on Thursday. Hooray to no more injections, not so pleased about the reappearance of the arse bullets....

Trying to be positive that there won't be an issue with the thaw process as we only have two frosties available.

Hang on in there everyone and waves to the newbies. Sorry you are here but there is a mine of collective information here and some fucking amazing barren fiends.

Hi fuzzy, yes we've decided to go abroad and have ivf in Croatia. But we could probably only go abroad once. We just need to sort out all the paperwork then organise time off work.
Good luck everyone with your next steps.
Not looking forward to the injections and arse bullets!

Hi all, sorry to hear things have been difficult for everyone lately :-(

Hello to TheLongRains as well, sorry you are feeling hopeless. I've pretty much got to that stage too! (due to start first round of IVF in May) BUT I have decided to try and take control of how I feel and have bought an audiobook on fertility hypnosis in an attempt at making my body get in line with my brain! Could that be something you might find helpful too? I could let you know what it's like??