The mind numbing boredom of infertility IV

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

Yes it's the return of the thread where we're so fucking bored of being infertile and talking about infertility and thinking about infertility and worrying and infertility and learning about infertility treatment and explaining infertility to other people and making up lies to cover up for going for infertility tests and treatment that we can't even be bothered to think of a better name for the thread.

Join us if you are barren, bored and bitter, or any combination of the above. We'll listen to your tails of woe when everyone you've ever met upduffs in an instant, accompany you through the trials of tests and treatment and commiserate the inevitable setbacks and disappointments.

Welcome to the ghetto.

When I can work out links, I'll post linnks to threads 1, 2 and 3

Crap. Sorry to hear this xx

Fuzzy - that's so frustrating, sorry to hear that. My clinic let me start again after two periods as I wanted to get moving after failed cycle in sept. This whole process is so tough. Thinking of you. X

So sorry to hear that fuzzy. It is just so frustrating.

Hope everyone else is ok?

I have a scan this pm to see if we can start short protocol. Bricking it as we've been here twice unsuccessfully in the past 6 weeks already.

Wishing you all the best beanhunter. Hope it goes your way this time x

Ah well. Looks like I'm back to good old fashioned ttc! Both embryos alive at day 5 but looking crap, neither made it to blast. Follow up consultation waiting list is 6 weeks, so we'll keep trying in the meantime.

Ah no I'm sorry to hear that Fuzzy that's pants

AF arrived today so we went in for a scan for our consultation in a couple of weeks and to have a chat with the clinic here as they wanted to know more about Serum and why we're going there. It was quite helpful but deflating at the same time. He suggested we have some counselling in case we decide to go down the donor sperm route... I think we are both just blindly hoping it doesn't come to that. I don't know what will happen if it does, or if DH and I are even on the same page so I think counselling is probably a good idea.

I feel weird writing this and I don't know if I'll get my point across but when I'm having my scan and I'm being told my ovaries are great, everything is great, I'm the perfect candidate for IVF etc. I find it really strange to think that actually maybe there is nothing at all wrong with me... obviously we have male factor and it makes no odds really. I just have these moments sometimes where I'm thinking 'WE are infertile. But I'm not' I could potentially go and get impregnated by any random bloke. I won't and I don't want to. I want it to be DH OBVIOUSLY. But the thought that I could is so weird.

So sorry fuzzy.

Sounds tough closephine - I can't imagine it must feel very conflicting.

Hey folks.
So tentatively we are finally off the starting blocks. Repeat scan today on day 2 was all clear so starting stims tonight. Actually terrified. Feel sick at the prospect. So scared that will have a similar disaster to last time

Good luck Bean, everything crossed for you having a smooth ride this time!

Closephine,
I'm not surprised you feel as you do going through all this when you might not need to if dh was different. It's harsh I know, but I'd be pissed off deep down; it's human nature. Then again there are so many what ifs and no way to isolate every potential variable. When I had meet with consultant after failed cycle and she explained that the male genes determine days 3-5 of embryo dev I felt a combination of irritation and relief that my genes had done their bit and dh genes hadn't. I resent dh being obese, drinking and refusing to exercise. I look at younger, healthy males and think FFS. So don't feel bad - I don't and probably should!

Beanhunter - thinking of you. Of course you feel anxious it's a fucking nightmare. You know this could be the one that works and that would probably be just as terrifying. Those naturally pregnant bitches have no idea...
I feel sick at the thought of this cycle not working, and of it working and then bricking it... You've had so much stress past few weeks - you are amazing.

closephine I wouldn't overthink the random things that pop into your head. I've actually considered disappearing from DHs life to force him into finding someone younger and more fertile. He won't even have a conversation about it, as he finds it quite insulting that I would think like that. With our embies failing after day 3, there's the chance that it's male factor that caused the problem as Sara says (we'll ask the consultant) but if it is, he's open to using donor sperm. He just wants a baby! I hope between you, you can decide what your priorities are and what you're both prepared to do to get there.

Sara I can understand your frustration. It takes 2 to make a baby, even in IVF terms. My DH has been pretty good but I can't convince him to stop vaping.

Well, I read a book about IVF (His & Hers Survival Guide) which said: get the nurses on your side, because they're the ones who make it happen. Never a truer word. The PGS nurse & I had a right good chin wag when I went in for my retrieval. She phoned yesterday to say how gutted she was for us, and how frustrating it must be for us to have a long wait for our follow-up. Got another call an hour later to offer us a cancellation for this afternoon!!! Bonzer!

That's awesome Fuzzy! How did your appointment go? Great to hear there's still a bit of compassion for others in this world.

That's good that your DH is on board with donor sperm if you need it. I think ultimately my DH would be too. He just needs to get his head round it. I would use donor eggs in a heartbeat if I needed to, ultimately your comment further back along the lines of how once your baby is in your arms you won't give a flying fuck how it got there, rings true with how I feel. On the flip side though, I definitely don't want to bring a child into the world if DH isn't going to see as his own. If only life could be simple huh?

Sara - are you in the middle of a cycle now?

Funny you should say that about your DH & donor sperm closephine. Mine is ALL for donor eggs, as am I, but before our appt yesterday we talked about using donor sperm. In principle, weeks ago, he was all like 'yeah! We'll just do that!' but when it got closer to a reality, I could see he was less than impressed. Must be a male ego thing.

So, our consultant still thinks the issue is my eggs. He said the sperm DNA could be an issue, but ICSI usually helps to rule that out. He said that sperm are such simple structures that it's usually obvious which are abnormal, although not completely guaranteed.

Last time I was on the short protocol with 375 of menopur which went up to 450 for the last couple of days. He thinks for my age (so lovely to hear that on repeat for an hour!!!!) I responded quite well with 11 follicles. Next time he wants me to try an oestrogen priming cycle, followed by stims at the max dose from the beginning. I start the priming in December.

So glad we got the early appointment. We'd be waiting to start in January/February otherwise.

Anyway, hope everyone's ok....?

Day 5 of DR. Feel fine so far! Fuzzy glad you won't have to wait too long.
Closephine - I have thought similar things sometimes about adoption. That I want a family not a pregnancy and would love a child the same however it came to me. When I think about the love dh shows our little rescue cat, I imagine any baby would melt him. That said, a cat is somewhat easier ...!

Fuzzy well done on being seen by the consultant so quickly and getting a plan of action.

Sara good luck with DR. There's another cycle buddies thread going if you want to join us over there.

Apart from the cycle we conceived our son, all other embryos gave up after day 3 and there seems to be a difference of opinion as to whether it's the sperm or eggs causing that. We've decided to think of it as both. Because of that I think we would look at the adoption route if it came to it, rather than donors (we might have to use both donor sperm and eggs, as we don't know where the issue lies, in which case it wouldn't be sensible to go through a high risk pregnancy due to the cervix issues).

I'm still DR, day 17, a scan on Thursday showed my lining wasn't thin enough. I was mid AF so hopefully ok by next scan on Tuesday. I have had a polyp before while DR so really hoping it's not that again. The delay however means that ET might be on 21st (Jovan's due date) so talked it over with DH and decided that's ok if it works out that way.

Glad you're feeling ok on dr so far Sara. I hated it! Fingers crossed blue that the next scan is better.
Fuzzy - glad you got quick follow-up and feel ok with the plan.
Afm day 5 of stims today and had first scan. Follicles pretty small but consultant happy so
Starting cetriotide tonight and ploughing on. Next scan Tuesday.

Good luck blue bean & sara. I'm not missing jabbing myself with needles at all!

Ffs I've already deleted one Facebook acquaintance this morning as since announcing her pregnancy last week has posted at least one status update a day about 'growing a baby'. Go away. Then just went on now to see someone announcing their SIXTH child is on the way. Some people are just greedy.

I'm hating f*ing facebook today closephine. Bloody Halloween everywhere. My son loved Halloween last year, and then died 5 days later. Between that and failed IVF, I'm ready to delete the whole damn lot.

Oh god Fuzzy, perhaps avoid it for now at least. It must be an incredibly difficult time for you at the moment (although having said that, I can't imagine it's ever not) Glad you were able to bring your next cycle forward a bit and you have a plan for next time.

Just had a conversation with a neighbour (actually really I just stood and listened whilst she ranted at me) about one of her siblings being given more than she was she was stood there with her heavily pregnant belly full of baby number 3 saying 'why can't anything nice ever happen to me?' I seem to be attracting them today...!

FFS. How did you keep your cool? If anyone said that to me they'd regret it!

I completely understand how you both feel. I either skim through Facebook now or avoid it as mine is full of people I went to school with/worked with and their families. One posted every week as her pregnancy progressed and now the baby is born, does weekly recaps showing her baby now and what was going on then. I spent my weekend with my best friend and his wife (who is 5 months pregnant) and my other best friend who has 6 month old twins. I also started a new job today and one of my new colleagues is pregnant. I am just surrounded permanently by pregnant women or new born babies wishing it was me. I know what I'm experiencing is not as painful as it is for you, MrFuzzy but I do understand how this is a difficult time for you.

I only kept my cool because a) couldn't get a word in! and b) didn't want her knowing my business. I was tempted though!

Joey - the pregnant folk are just everywhere huh! i live on a small clos of 25 houses and at least one, more often two have been expecting constantly since we moved in 2 years ago. One has popped out 2 in that time.

hi ladies. long time lurker here, don't think I've posted in this thread before..

I genuinely think I've been so successful at hiding my barren-ness that people think I don't want kids. I hate that, but I can't do anything to change it because I refuse to let on just how much it eats me up. the only people who know are DH and my mum. a few other friends know about long term ttc and initial investigations etc, but I tend to change the subject before I get too emotional, and then end up frustrated because I have no-one to talk to about it. (except poor DH who hasn't a clue what to say to me about it anymore.)

wtf am I supposed to do? I'm so sick of all this bullshit and my life being on hold and not being able to have a meaningful conversation with ANYONE in case I accidentally let slip!

I'm sorry you're all here with me (you know what I mean), this sucks.