The mind numbing boredom of infertility IV

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

Yes it's the return of the thread where we're so fucking bored of being infertile and talking about infertility and thinking about infertility and worrying and infertility and learning about infertility treatment and explaining infertility to other people and making up lies to cover up for going for infertility tests and treatment that we can't even be bothered to think of a better name for the thread.

Join us if you are barren, bored and bitter, or any combination of the above. We'll listen to your tails of woe when everyone you've ever met upduffs in an instant, accompany you through the trials of tests and treatment and commiserate the inevitable setbacks and disappointments.

Welcome to the ghetto.

When I can work out links, I'll post linnks to threads 1, 2 and 3

Hi ladies, I had a look through your thread and wondered if I could join.

My story is nowhere near as shitty as Fuzzy or what some of you other ladies have been through but here goes. In February 2015 we decided to start trying. We knew it was a long shot as I had just turned 39 but we wanted to give it a go. I came off the pill and within months my AF went tits up. I was put on clomid to regulate them. I had initial tests done (Fsh, Lh and 21 day ) with very good results and then had a HyCoSy which was fine. Then I had the amh test and I was told I had poor fertility. I was with the nhs at that point and she literally showed me the door when I got that result. I then went to a private clinic (IVF isn't available for anyone on the NHS where I live) and was again told how poor my fertility was. She even drew me a diagram! I'm now waiting for my period to come (unless by a complete freak of nature I'm become pregnant this month) as I will then be going for an antral follicle scan and probably in January will start my first round of IVF and that's the story so far.

Since starting ttc I've never been so bloody fed up. I can't recall the amount of times I've looked up information on the internet and I think I'm going crazy. I've given up alcohol, I take all the supplements and I'm now eating fruit and nuts daily but who knows if this will make a difference. Since starting to try, I can't believe the amount of people I know who've become pregnant and going from a small close group of 4 friends with no pregnancies since we started 1 has had twins and 1 is now pregnant (found out this week). My final other friend doesn't want children, as she's a pole dancer/dominatrix and it would ruin her figure, so I don't think I can really do the lets compare our infertility stories so it would be nice to have somewhere that I could vent my feelings as I'm fed up of saying everything's fine when it's not. Sorry about very long post.

MrFuzzy, he's utterly gorgeous. Thank you for sharing the photo and feel free to share as much about him as you like. You ex friend sounds bizarre, I should think you are right, that she probably thought she was helping, but really

Fourpaws - your mum sounds similar to mine. She's very good at turning on the waterworks if I try and pull her up on something and makes it about her instead.

Joey - welcome, but sorry you find yourself here.

FFS Fourpaws. Mothers, eh? Mine is miffed with me because I don't want to spend Christmas Day with her, having dinner in a crowded restaurant full of happy families. Er, no. Just no. Sounds like utter hell. I want to spend it at Billy-Joe's grave and then on the couch in my pjs. Where's the empathy??? How did you respond to that?

Hi Joeypotter1. I can relate - I also rattle with vitamins & obsess over Dr Google, to no avail. It's a thoroughly depressing journey, and very refreshing to have this place for a good old rant. I think your friend wins the prize for Most Interesting Reason Not To Have Kids! I can certainly see why you feel so isolated though. All the very best with your first cycle. I started mine on Monday. Do you mind me asking, what was your AMH? Mine was 7.4 and the nurse said it was 'fine', but everything I've read says it's crap.

Fuzzy your son is absolutely gorgeous. I'm so sorry for your loss. He was so clearly very very loved and I'm sorry that some of your friends have been shit.

Hello Mr Fuzzy and Closephine. Thank you for welcoming me. Your Amh result, Mr Fuzzy, sounds pretty good to me. I'd like to have it. At my clinic it would have been classed as in the band of average fertility but I got a lot lower. I got a miserable 3.84 which set me into complete panic. I googled everything I could find to try and see what I could do about it and if there were any stories of people who had similar results and worse and who'd had any success. I found glimmers of hope out there which has kept me going.
My friend is very interesting - she actually gets paid by one client to tie him to a radiator for hours whilst she pops out. I honestly thought, when I heard that, I could do that. Maybe it's time for a change.

fuzzy he's so beautiful! You must miss him so much, I'm so sorry.

Fuzzy Billy-Joe is gorgeous, I'm so sorry for your loss.

My son Jovan was stillborn at 21+3 on 14th July. It turns out that I have an incompetent cervix and my waters broke so he had to be delivered as there was not enough amniotic fluid to keep him growing and he was too little to survive in the outside world. It's still very raw and I'm trying to deal with the grief (I've just got back from bereavement counselling) and manage the rest of my life, including starting a new cycle. We just didn't want to wait too long before trying again, and it's not going to happen for us naturally. It's coming up to Jovan's due date and I should have been starting maternity leave next week. I have a blog that I've shared on other MN threads, it's helped stop me from going insane (blueroses99.wordpress.com)

closephine Going through all of this, it really does show you who your friends are, totally agree. I've been pleasantly surprised by some people and disappointed by others. (After a failed IVF cycle, one single, childless friend told me that there was more to life than children, they're harder work than I think, and I can always adopt )

Fourpaws thanks for sharing the cake story, amazing what people will believe!

Welcome joey.

Oh fuzzy, what a gorgeous boy. Thank you for sharing. He is so absolutely perfect and you can talk about him as much as you need to. Sorry about your crazy friend, that must have been tough to deal with. How bizarrely some people act when confronted with loss, I think it is definitely about emotional maturity. I'm glad you've got some good ones though.

I'm sorry that people have struggled to talk to you too blue. I have a friend who had a recent tragedy and I haven't always found it easy to know whether to speak about it or not. I have tried to take my cues from her but wondered whether or not to bring it up directly without prompting.

four and icy I totally do that with my dog. I only realise afterwards what a pillock I sound! The course was less about kids today thank fuck.

joey, welcome and sorry you find yourself here. It's the best worst place to be though.

I'll add a moan about my mum to the pot. She is totally shit - never calls, very self obsessed, not supportive. Tried to tell her about IVF but she dismissively changed the subject and has no idea what I have been through since. She does know we've been trying for coming up to four years though. Yet again, I get a text, no 'how are you?' Just informing me that my cousin has had a baby. It's plastered all over facebook, so I am well aware. Why text me to rub it in?! She does it with every person she knows who gives birth, even ones who I couldn't give two shits about!! FFS.

Argh, I am feeling over sensitive and hormonal. I'm also now at home and working from home for two whole days. I'm going to go completely mad. I need a distraction plan!

Thanks folks. He was a gorgeous boy.

Thank you for sharing Jovan with us Blueroses. What a perfect little boy. I'm so sorry he isn't tucked up safely with you. His due date is going to be so hard. It was Billy-Joe's birthday on the 17th September, and I stupidly made plans to go out & see friends. The gaps in-between the giant waves of grief are getting longer, and I mistakenly thought I'd cope OK. As it was, the pain was suddenly so raw that I ended up running out of a cafe to avoid a little blonde boy who sat near us. Losing your boy in July - it's still so early and raw. I think it took me 6 months to even have a day where I didn't want to join him in the ground. As hellish as our ttc journey has been, it's been the impetus to keep living and getting out of bed each day. I understand your need to try again as soon as possible. Thank you for sharing your blog. I will have a look tomorrow.

Hi Tiger. So, what is it with these mothers? We could write a book between us!

Joey, I've read plenty of success stories about women with lower AMH than yours. I think in IVF terms it's not a big issue. They only seem to bother with the tests to help calculate your protocol. So, how much did your friend make for doing that.....? I'm thinking of a career change!

Well Mr Fuzzy, I've never been told how much she gets paid but lets put it this way - her first house, which she now rents, is mortgage free, she owns a property abroad and is currently paying off the mortgage of the house she lives in with her husband. It's another world!
Thank you for your comment on my amh result. It's not great but yes, it's seeing that other women have been successful with similar results or even lower has meant I'm haven't given up hope completely even if I'm being driven crazy by the process. Mr Fuzzy, what a gorgeous little boy. I'm so very sorry.

Thank you to everyone else for welcoming me.

Ha! Bloody hell! I wonder if hubby would mind if I turn the cellar into a dungeon.... we can just about pay the mortgage on our 2 bed terrace!

Yes, I know in natural fertility terms, AMH means bugger all. As long as you're ovulating regularly, your long term egg reserve is beside the point. I'm sure it's more to do with how many years you have, rather than your chances in the here-and-now. They'll probably put you on a higher dose of stims without having to worry about overstimulation. Neither AFC or AMH have anything to do with egg quality, which is far more important for IVF success. That's where I may come unstuck at 42 with recurrent miscarriages. I had my happy healthy boy at 40, first month of trying, so I can only assume that my quality has suddenly dropped off a cliff.

Sorry to change the topic but I just wondered if anyone else is going to this next month? www.fertilityshow.co.uk/london

This time last year, I had just had a failed cycle and was looking for a new clinic so I found it very educational and a little overwhelming. It was my first experience of seeing lots of other barrens IRL and the first time that I didn't feel like I was totally on my own in what I was going through.

I'll be mid-cycle this time but the seminars look interesting so I think I'll go. ( I like 'shows', I'm a regular at the annual travel show and just discovered the chocolate show ).

joey welcome aboard the thread, it's been my life line for the past year.

blue and fuzzy what gorgeous babies. I'm so sorry for your loss. The pain must be unimaginable. You are welcome to share all here. Sorry that you find some people can be utter shits. At the end of the day, some people are shite and no matter how much we wish they weren't they just are!

Welcome joey and so sorry that you have to be here but glad you found it. It is indeed a lifeline. I am starting cycle 2 in Jan and wishing the time away.
Fuzzy- that picture has touched everyone that looks at his face- what a little character, so beautiful. I think you're so brave you're like my hero already...
Blueroses- Jovan looks so sweet in that picture, my heart goes out to you. It's really brought home to me that getting pregnant isn't the be all and end all. AFM, I didn't know about the show. I think I might weep through it or feel strangely self conscious. Pathetic I know.
Fourpaws how are you?my mother has a tendency to remark " never mind you might get one one day" whenever we see a baby when out and about. She is on the spectrum im sure of it.

Blue - Jovan looks just perfect, I am so sorry again for your loss. Going through a stillbirth after years of fertility problems just seems so cruel.

I think going to the fertility show would just confuse me. We have decided on Serum and I think if I went I might end up looking at other options and delaying things! We've actually booked a telephone consultation for November and I'm going to go for my scan for AFC and to look for anomalies at the start of my next cycle so that we are set to go in January (as long as all ok).

Looking forward to a Friday night on the sofa!

Just to delurk for the sake of joey - my amh was a measly 2.8 age 34. I was terrified. They Recommended we did Ivf which we did, and despite a rubbish response to stimms it worked first time. Ds was born as a result. Fast track 8 months later when my periods returned after breastfeeding- decided to ttc just in case. My assumption was that it would take years/wouldn't be possible etc as the clinic led me to believe that it would be more difficult with my low amh. Anyway- 4 weeks later I got a bfp and I nodw have 2 boys with a 17 month gap between them.

Moral of the story is- amh tests are dubious in my opinion in terms of telling you your chances of pregnancy as egg quality (not quantity) is what counts. Agree that amh probably tells you more about how long you have left to try than anything else.

Also just to say blue and fuzzy your stories have moved me to tears. I'm so sorry- the world can be a cruel place. I hope you find success in your journeys and that they help you come to terms with your losses.

Also crossing fingers for everyone else. I hope no one minds me posting my story. I do it from a place of hopefully trying to help. This board was a great comfort to me when I was going through Ivf.

Thank you so much Chattycat for that post. Since I got that result I have felt not only crushed but like an old machine which is past its sell by date. It doesn't help that whenever I see consultants the first things they tell me are either (because of my amh results) I have have poor fertility or my success rate is low with donor eggs being a more probable option. I haven't had an antral follicle scan or IVF cycle yet for their opinions to be confirmed). That message you posted gives me hope and keeps me going especially today. I actually burst into tears today. An ex-colleague, who I'd told I was ttc, asked how it was going. I told her another person I knew had just found out she was pregnant. I'm trying to be really pleased for her but I'm just finding it hard as she was the one that I could talk to and understood because she had been going through the same things.

Thanks for all the kind words. The midwife took that photo, I'm so relieved that I have it.

I know that the show is not for everyone but wanted to share in case anyone didn't know about it and was interested.

Joey I know it's so hard when people around you get pregnant, you're not alone with those feelings.

Tiger with regards to your friend, I do find it easier when people acknowledge my loss. It probably sounds so self-centred but hearing "I'm thinking of you" or a genuine "how are you really?" helps me feel so much more at ease. I would find it difficult to give a cue that I was ok to talk about, even though I am always ok to talk about.

Beautiful picture blue, thank you both blue and fuzzy for sharing your stories.

One of the positive things I have taken from this awful experience is that I have been humbled by the kindness and wisdom of you ladies and your help and strength. I almost wish we could magic ourselves into a room for an afternoon and have a real life catch up. Wonderful, each and every one of you.

I'm ok I think. Had a very sad day yesterday. Nearly lost a friend who is in intensive care following a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I won't say to much as I don't know if she posts here but needless to say, my heart breaks for her. Ambulance took nearly two hours to get to her. Just awful. I sat with her for a while yesterday and there really are no words.

I have not tracked my consultant down yet, she is apparently in Monday and Tuesday and then off for three weeks. I feel strangely what will be will be like. I will try and speak to her then but if not I will just have to wait. Got another appointment for the wrong treatment and the wrong date today though. Makes me mad. Really does. I have been mild crampy on and off all week, don't know if that is a bad sign or good sign or what. Stay away from google I say. Last mcs came very quickly and very intense. I am trying to remain calm and collected.

What's the weekend plans? Mine involve Jammies and tv......maybe a book. Rock and roll here.

Thank you blue and fuzzy for sharing your beautiful boys

I will be lighting a candle at 7pm tonight for the ‘International Wave of Light’ (www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/support/marking-your-loss/babyloss-awareness-week/ ) and will be thinking of both Jovan and Billy-Joe

Fourpaws offering tentative congrats. Fuzzy is absolutely right that most miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities and are ‘just’ bad luck, i.e. a bad egg one time doesn’t mean you’ll have a bad egg next time

It does infuriate me that a woman has to have 3 successive losses before they can be investigated - 15% of recurrent miscarriages are due to Hughes syndrome, and it breaks my heart to think of pregnancy losses that may have been prevented with a 5p baby aspirin. Sadly my losses were both of genetically normal embryos, and I don’t have Hughes syndrome (although my first loss was likely due to compromised blood flow due to sudden foetal demise), but my situation is unusual.

Everything fuzzy says about coffee, wine, chocolate and the occasional cigarette is bang on - she is a wise woman!

Wishing you all the luck and hope your consultant gets back to you - I’d get in touch with EPU for closer management as well

Hope you’re doing OK there tiger - thinking of you

So on your behalf Closephine for the Euro exchange rate - fucking Brexit!!!

Sara echoing tiger - intralipids was a doddle. Bit cold going in but very straightforward.

Welcome joey sorry you find yourself here - but you’re very welcome. Chattycat is the poster girl for low AMH and a big ‘fuck you’ to Drs who say it means you can’t get pregnant. My Dr says he’s had women with 18 eggs and no embryos, and women with one follicle, one egg, one embryo and one baby

Or indeed like me - I totted up my stats over my 3 stims cycles:
52 eggs
45 mature eggs
35 embryos
14 blastocysts
7 chromosomally normal embryos

And so far 2 miscarriages of genetically perfect embryos

So lots of eggs doesn’t necessarily make you any more likely to get a baby

Also - your friend sounds fascinating!!!

AFM, nothing much to report. Due date came and went. TBH I felt strangely detached from it. I didn’t have a baby the day before, or the day after, so the day itself was fairly meaningless in many ways. New job keeping me distracted. Otherwise I just plod on, taking my HRT, coil is quite crampy so hopefully that means it’s doing something (although I can’t take ibuprofen with the pentoxifylline I’m taking for this protocol, which means it’s quite uncomfortable - ironic considering I take heavy duty morphone strength opioids, but they do naff all for inflammatory pain!). Worked out that the last HRT pill is 4 days before my 35th birthday. It’s a tragic state of affairs when the best birthday present I could possibly get would be a proper period. Heavy period would be like Christmas and birthday rolled all into one!!

Histology on the biopsy from the hysteroscopy showed there was indeed products of conception, but Dr confirmed (and said the pictures and video show) that all pregnancy tissue was removed. He said he’s hopeful that starting from a much stronger base with a much healthier endometrium will mean we can get me menstruating, and that when we do a dummy FET I may actually respond to the oestrogen. We shall see.

So sorry about your friend, Fourpaws. I had an ectopic just before Billy-Joe. I had emergency surgery and lots of internal bleeding. Obviously I've since lost my boy and that's overshadowed that experience, but at the time I was devastated. We named our lost baby Hope, and still remember her. I hope your friend makes a speedy physical recovery, although the emotional recovery is far more difficult in my experience

Blue thank you too for sharing your picture. I'm so glad you have that precious memory. He's a beautiful boy.
Four hope you track down your consultant soon.
Still here plodding along. Not enjoying being on the pill diet has gone to pot. Scan on Thursday to see if cyst has gone. I don't think it has TBH, reckon I can still tell it's there. Am somewhat of a cyst connasieur these days!

Thank you Banana. I'm going to be at event organised by a baby loss charity to light my candle and will be thinking of Jovan, Billy-Joe, and all the little ones that are no longer with us. Hoping that the coil and HRT do their job and you get the heaviest period for your birthday.

Fourpaws that sounds like a horrific experience, I hope your friend has a quick recovery, though as Fuzzy says I can't imagine it's easy. Good luck with tracking down your consultant on Monday. 3 weeks is a long time to wait though if you miss here, is there anyone else that you can speak to?

Will be thinking of you all tonight, a friend just sent me the link to the wave of light. There's no events near me but we will be lighting candles.

No other doctor, will just phone epu and refer myself if she doesn't call me. I keep being bounced back as I am a small area patient referred into Edinburgh so just get bounced back again.

Thank you Blueroses99. I'll be lighting a candle at 7pm for all our little ones. I will say Jovan's name.