The mind numbing boredom of infertility IV

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

Yes it's the return of the thread where we're so fucking bored of being infertile and talking about infertility and thinking about infertility and worrying and infertility and learning about infertility treatment and explaining infertility to other people and making up lies to cover up for going for infertility tests and treatment that we can't even be bothered to think of a better name for the thread.

Join us if you are barren, bored and bitter, or any combination of the above. We'll listen to your tails of woe when everyone you've ever met upduffs in an instant, accompany you through the trials of tests and treatment and commiserate the inevitable setbacks and disappointments.

Welcome to the ghetto.

When I can work out links, I'll post linnks to threads 1, 2 and 3

Hi fuzzy so sorry to hear about Billy-Joe, how truly dreadful. Thank you for joining us, good luck with your next steps.

Congrats on the transfer tiger. That seems like an extraordinary wait. Eeeek!

closephine, hope you're feelig better now.

Happy weekends all x

Greetings fiends, hope you’ve had barrentastic weekends

fuzzy I’m so very very sorry for your loss. I’ve done PGS so if you have any questions, will do my very best. We’re all here to support you and lob glitter shit your way - so sorry you find yourself here, but it’s a fab bunch of women. With LOTS of swearing. Which personally I’m fairly sure is as effective as woo therapies that get peddled around as IVF cures.

congrats on your transfer tiger - hoping the coming days fly by and have a BFP shaped surprise at the end

blue brilliant news about the saline scan! It’s quite an odd feeling but terrific it all checked out OK, and so glad you can get cracking - you too karla, glad things are gearing up

tammy it’s just complete and utter bollocks. Do whatever you need to do to try and maintain some vague semblance of sanity (I never quite managed that but hey). We’re always here whenever you’re ready

closephine you poor thing, hope you’re feeling better! TBH I think that being on contraception is probably mentally easier given that I’m not ‘missing out’ on the chance to try naturally, as I have absolutely zero chance of a natural BFP. Given I can’t grow lining or ovulate without medical intervention, there isn’t any ‘what if’. I haven’t ever had a month where I could have possibly conceived outside of IVF - and I’ve actually been doing treatment completely non-stop since October 2015, so haven’t even had any kind of natural cycle since then.

fourpaws really hope the counselling helps. I started seeing a counsellor after my Mum died and I’ve found it really really helpful in (trying to) deal with infertility and miscarriage. You mentioned downreg - did they say why they’re repeating long protocol after your response last time?

bean thinking anti bastard cyst shaped thoughts for you

Waves to potatoes, sara, icy and anyone else I’ve missed

Well, tomorrow would have been my due date, but instead I'm starting a new job, so hopefully that will provide a suitable distraction. That or I’ll make an awesome first impression with puffy eyes from crying in the loos. That totally says senior capable professional, yeah?

Good Morning Fiends

I type this with a sense of WTF and fear. Together with a headfull that only you may be able to understand.

AF did not appear over the weekend. This morning, just because i like to waste money and torture myself, I POAS. I appear to have an extremely positive test. I can't stop crying. I am so scared. I am the idiot who has been drinking, going in hot tub and having some time out. WTF have I done.....

I stopped charting AF, but have gone over my texts and there is one to DH 5 September saying I was needing chocolate and I was miserable because AF arrived. That puts me at a week late. Today. I thought I was due now, because I stopped counting days.

Given my history with early MC and everything else what do I do? Should I tell consultant today? I am scared to do that because if it goes wrong this week it might mess up the plan we have just put in place. Should I stay quiet and see how I go over next couple of weeks? Should I be taking asprin for early MC? What an idiot. Please don't hate me.

Oh four you poor love! What a headfuck.

Definitely don't beat yourself up about wine, hot tubs or anything you have done - these are things that people do all the time without worry and get themselves pregnant with no bother. It will not make a difference to the outcome.

As for telling the consultants, I don't know - are they NHS? Have they diagnosed your early miscarriages as being something specific? Certainly worth telling them if you think they will prescribe you something that could support your pregnancy. I am taking aspirin in my 2ww as advised by my clinic (75mg) post IVF.

I echo Tiger, that nothing you've already done will affect the outcome. Please try not to worry about that.

I would suggest that you get a referral to an Early Pregnancy Unit or somewhere they can manage you more closely given your mc history. I understand why you might want to wait a couple of weeks before speaking to your consultant to see what happens - but I really think you should be seen sooner to help support this pregnancy rather than a future one that you were planning.

Good luck whatever you decide x

Fourpaws, I have been seen by the recurrent miscarriage clinic. The midwife was very honest about the limitations of any of the interventions that they can offer, like baby aspirin etc. She said that a healthy pregnancy will stick, no matter what, and its really not very easy to end it. If it were, the human race wouldn't have made it this far, and there would be no need for abortions. She also said that a very vulnerable pregnancy will end because it's supposed to, normally due to genetic abnormalities. Things like progesterone and baby aspirin only make a massive difference if you've been diagnosed with a condition that the meds can correct. I took aspirin from the moment I got my last bfp, and it was a missed mc anyway. My son was born perfect, having been conceived on a diet of coffee, wine, chocolate and the occasional cigarette. So I have every reason to believe that the midwife was correct. Please don't let guilt ruin this wonderful news for you. I sat in the rmc at the maternity unit waiting for my D&C (having done everything right and living like a monk for 2 months) watching heavily pregnant women chain smoking. I honestly don't think a few wines and a hot tub will make any difference. Maybe it's helped to relax you and helped things along, in which case, pass the merlot.

Oh four paws that is incredible news! Just out of interest, what did you end up doing with that evil cake? I would say tell the clinic for sure. Truly great news x

Tigerdog - congrats on your blasts! Wanted to ask how you found the intralipids? I had failed cycle august and go again in DEC with intralipids. Eek!

Thank you all for responding. I'm not feeling very well at all and (tmi) am going to the toilet every three seconds to check for af.

Tiger and blue, that makes sense. I have emailed consultant asking her to call me urgently. Shall leave it a couple,of days and see if she does. I think I am right in saying I would need to be six weeks to be seen so that's not till next week, and given my track record I have had two mc between five and six weeks.

Fizzy, thank you. That's a very thought provoking post. Hugely sensible. My dh is a farmer and is very much what will be will be. Although he did ask me to ease of on the treadmill as I have been angry running a fair amount after work.

SaraOMG. I totally forgot about the cake saga. I got pissed off and chucked it in the wheelie bin, tin and all when I was in a right I'm doing this mood. Never entered my mind till you said that, now I have spooky woo shudders. That sodding cake. Dh was cross there was no burning ceremony but I was concerned we poisoned by ancient rotten cake fumes, he would have wanted to bbq off it not doubt.

Banana, sorry I did not reply sooner. They said that in their opinion long regulation remains the best option. Having learnt so much from you ladies I disagree, but want to use my last shot so said I would do it. Probably stupid but I am trying to give myself as many chances as I can.

I would like to stay here just now. If that's ok. Furthest I have ever managed before is six and a half weeks. I read back to 2013 today to see what happened with first mc and exact dates etc. I was on a bus in those days. I barely recognise my early posts, so full of excitement and hope. Now I'm shitting myself and screaming inside about everything that could go wrong. Dh doesn't even want to think about it until we go on holiday which is about six weeks away. Wish I could be so calm.

Thank you.

And tiger fingers crossed for your blasts, glad all went well.

Ooh Fourpaws - I was lurking when you were posting about the wedding cake... freaky! It's tough, but to echo what Blue says, getting help to support this pregnancy (if needed) is more important right now than a future possible one with IVF.

Banana - thinking of you today. Hope your new job went well and provided a good distraction. Hope you're ok.

Oh AFM, feeling pretty fed up about the exchange rate right now. We were set on Serum in Athens and it just feels like a personal kick in the teeth. What would have cost £3,500 a year ago is now £5,000 could even be more if it continues like this... we just can't catch a break!

That fucking barren-inducing cake!!!!

That cake! It is a freaky story alright four! How are you feeling? Did you hear back from the consultant?

closephine that is so frustrating. Our first thought after brexit was that IVF in Europe would be more expensive - very annoying.

sara I found the intralipids fine. First one took 2.5 hours as it was diluted with saline (they do that in case you react to it) then second one was about 30-40 mins and neat. It was fine - sharp scratch with the cannula going in then a bit cold for a moment or two, that was it! I took my laptop and did work and took conference calls!!

banana hope the new job is going well and you got through a difficult day. How's the coil? Any discomfort?

bean when are you back in for a scan? Cyst be gone!

Hope everyone else is ok?

Not much to report here. I'm 5dp6dt and if the miracle of life is starting inside my uterus it's not giving me any clues. I'm really not expecting it to have worked. Of course I'm hopeful but it's a glimmer.

I am on a course at the moment. There has been a disproportionate amount of talk about kids (it's a sort of personal development course where people are encouraged to talk about things that mean something to them). Within the first 20 minutes people were asked to put their hands up if they had kids, then they've been a constant reference point. Sigh.

tiger thats really tough for you to be on that course just now. Thinking of you. I find myself at these things comparing my dog . So every time someone uses kids as a reference point I am like "oh yes, puppy was a nightmare to get into a routine, had to co-sleep for weeks" then I think WTF afterwards.

I am ok. i emailed consultant on Monday saying I needed to speak to her urgently. Nothing from her as yet. Slightly crampy tummy all week but nothing else. I will try her again tomorrow if I have not heard. In fairness she normally calls me the same day so she might be on holiday. What will be will be.

Yes Fourpaws I do that with my cats! To a lesser extent I'll reference OH kids but it's been made clear to me that stepkids don't really count on the basis everyone asks "don't you want your own". Someone should tell the NHS and their fertility funding dept 😡

Tiger that's why I hate courses. Being in a situation where I'm in a room and asked to work on "personal" stuff - it's fucking personal!!! Not for a room of colleagues! I did one years ago it was like group fucking therapy. As if I'm gonna "open up" with these people, I bloody work with them! Can you imagine anything worse - oh hi Carol, how's your assertiveness going? My crippling self doubt is still crippling tbh, so would you mind double checking this report before I submit it? Tell me what you really think though!!

I have some lovely conversations. 'So, how many kids have you got?' 'I had a son'. 'How old is he?' 'He'd be 2 now but he died at 13 months'. Then I either have to listen to a raft of bollocks platitudes about angels, gods plan, better places & time healing, or they say nothing but go purple while their eyes scream 'OH FUCK.' It's ace

And you'd be amazed how many people say 'Why don't you have another one', as though a) he was a dog or defective washing machine, b) we haven't thought about it, and c) it's any of their fucking business.

Intrigued about this cake!

Hope your doing ok fourpaws.

Tiger I don't think I could handle that kind of course, hate sharing personal info (apart from to strangers online obv)

MrFuzzy yup I'm just going through that at the moment. I went to a cousins birthday on Saturday and some people were lovely chatting to us about our son, and others, it felt like they were avoiding us, don't know if I'm being paranoid. Baby loss isn't catching! Haven't figured out how to deal with it yet.

banana how are you getting on?

Hi to everyone else!

AFM I'm embarking on a new cycle, start down regging on Friday and booked in for endometrial scratch next week. That was a little unexpected, haven't had one of those before.

Blueroses99, I'm sorry you've suffered loss too. I haven't stalked the thread so I don't know anyone's story. How long has it been for you? Do you mind me asking about your son? Ah, yes. I'm the 'dead kid lady'. Some wonderful people just ask, and say his name, and treat me like a mummy. Other people nearly get run over in their haste to cross the street to avoid me... Maybe they've watched too many movies about bereaved mothers becoming crazy ladies who want to sleep with their husbands & steal their children.....

I'm also intrigued about this cake.....

Fuzzy and blue roses, that breaks my heart that people treat you like that. I'm so sorry. I would love to hear about your sons, if you would like to talk about them.

Ok, fuzzy, blue roses, this is for you both. Quick summary, if I can.

Years ago, general chit chat at work, weddings blah blah, I mentioned I had kept my top tier of wedding cake for a christening. (I thought you were meant to) elderly office manager nearly choked, said I had to get rid of it, burn it or bury it, very bad luck, would bring infertility. I was and never thought anymore of it.

During summer I bumped into her and husband in supermarket. She has dementia. Husband reminded her who I was. She suddenly looked straight at me and said something like you need to get rid of the cake, or you didn't get rid of the cake?

That was around the time of failed cycle, I came on here and said it was all a little spooky, but generally we thought it was funny. Just something to ass to the list of shit advice people give. I thought maybe I could have a cake burning ceremony, a little like in the billy Connolly holiday film. Others then remembered they had cake and we thought we should burn and post evidence. I then remembered that not only did I keep the cake for twelve years, I actually didn't vac pac it so was scared to even open the tin. I then chucked it in the wheelie bin and forgot all about it until Sara asked the other day.

The true moral of the story is probably that unsealed twelve year old cake just takes up room in your cupboard and neither you nor anyone else is ever going to even open the tin, let alone eat it!!

MrFuzzy and Blue I'm sorry you have had to deal with idiots. Certain people just seem unable to put aside their own awkwardness and the fact that it makes THEM feel a certain way, rather than actually thinking about the way the person who had suffered the loss may be feeling. One of my friends had a stillbirth and another told me 'oh my goodness I saw X in the shop and I hid, I just didn't know what to say' I responded with a sarcastic comment along the lines of 'that must have been really tough for you' and she didn't even pick up on my sarcasm.

The one good thing I have found from being open about infertility is that I now know who my friends are. There are some who were not particularly close before, but once I've confided have been amazing. And I have close friends who have distanced themselves completely. it's a shame and I know they are not doing it out of spite, but at the same time, they really could just take themselves out their comfort zone and step up to the plate for a friend in need!

Thanks for the backstory fourpaws. Agreed, it's a bit spooky! I will heed your moral and refrain from hoarding ancient cake, which would surely by then be a biological hazard and would kill off an entire christening party. I'd also take from it that senile horseshit peddlers should stop implying that any cake, regardless of its evolution into a complex organic being, could render anyone infertile just by sitting in a cupboard...... Mind you, this ttc malarkey is enough to drive anyone to trying anything. I'd stand on one leg with a banana on my head if someone told me a fairy story about it making me more fertile

Thank you for being open to letting me talk about my boy. He was an absolute star. Very funny, exceptionally clever, and my whole world. I've attached a photo so you can see who I'm missing

closephine85, I know exactly what you mean. My friendship group has changed completely this last year. I used to get upset about the idiots, and think 'if you think it's hard to talk to me, you should try being me for 5 minutes'. Now I've written them off as emotionally inadequate tossers who are more than welcome to reside up their own arseholes, and leave me alone.

I lost my oldest friend after she went all weird & kept sending me messages about how Billy-Joe is with her now as her guardian angel, and how she's in contact with him every day in the spirit world. Maybe she thought she was being kind, but I just wanted to knock her block off. I have some bloody amazing friends. One is running a half-marathon for Billy-Joe soon, and wants to organise a huge family fun day to celebrate his life once a year. We have already raised nearly £5K for a charity in his honour. Can't ask for more.

Oh my goodness fuzzy, what a beautiful little boy. Those eyes, and what a cheeky smile. Just adorable. Thank you for sharing with us.

Closephine, omg. That comment, I don't think I will ever forget that. Staggering. You are so right, it's about how they feel. My mum is like this just now. She wonders why I can't talk to her. Because every time I have tried she sits crying about how awful this is for her and how she gets so upset when her friends ask her when she is going to have more grandchildren.