Talk to me if you've decided to stop trying

[BipBippadotta]

Hello. I think I have to stop trying to have a baby or I will ruin the rest of my life. Can someone give me some advice or a handhold or something about how to do this?

I am currently waiting to miscarry for the 3rd time in under a year - this after the full-term stillbirth of my daughter 18 months ago due to a ruptured umbilical cord. I'm 39.

My life has ground to a halt. I don't want to keep tearing myself apart trying to have a baby, particularly as it becomes exponentially less and less likely to work out with every month that passes.

I do not want to use donor eggs / sperm. I don't want to adopt (obligatory explanation here: I don't think after so many traumatic losses my DH and I are robust enough to take on a child who's already had a very tough start in life, possibly with obligations to maintain contact with their family of origin. Nor could I bear trying to adopt internationally, waiting interminably, etc. I think any of these things, at the moment, could destroy our sanity and/or our marriage, and those are the only two things I have left at the moment).

Since my daughter's death I have been so focused on having another baby that I don't know how to turn things back around. I have grieved for my daughter - I have grieved like you wouldn't believe - but there has simply not been the time to sit back and come to terms with it all like everyone says you should do before trying again. Given my age, I had to try again immediately or give up the possibility of children forever - and that's a fucking hard thing to do when you've just buried your only child.

I don't know how to keep going. I can't take any pleasure in anything. I can't face seeing my friends, as I don't have anything to say for myself anymore that anyone wants to hear. The only thing that has been giving me any sort of forward momentum is trying to have a baby - and I have to make myself understand that it is not going to work.

How do you know when to stop? And when you know, how do you stop? Do I have to hit rock bottom, and have a complete nervous breakdown, before I know for certain I can't do this anymore? Is there a way to stop trying before you go mad? How do I claw my way back to something that feels like life?

Bip I can't believe the insensitivity of the Estate Agent. Not very bright. The problem is when you face dickheads like that you somehow end up feeling stupid for being honest. Most people I've been honest with have been massively insensitive.
Ha at the borderline indecent photos. I have framed vintage semi nude photos in my bedroom and it occurred to me that the builder we had in recently might have thought it was me. Cringe.

I turned 40 last year and it felt very cataclysmic in terms of my barrenness. If somebody had told me when I started TTC that when I turned 40 I would still be childless I reckon I would have thrown myself under a bus! Like you I struggle with the battle of feeling old and regularly battle my head and heart. My heart says keep trying (the IVF in Czech Republic thread started all kinds of thoughts) and my head says I am too old and knackered and it would be selfish and foolish. Obviously my sister's revelation had started all kinds of thoughts that I'm not comfortable with. I don't want to get back on the rollercoaster again but some how her "news" has set in motion the urge to actively TTC again. I feel out of control again which is annoying because a kind of acceptance had set in and were rebuilding the physical side of things again which had obviously massively suffered after years of this shit.

It's interesting that you haven't seen your brother's child. I keep thinking of having to walk into the room with her and the baby and just know that I can't do it and don't want to do it. I mustered up the will to text her a response to her letter (well actually I made DH do it) with vague good wishes but making it clear we know it was not the accident she claims. Somehow the bullshit factor makes it so much more hurtful. I am so livid. God it would have hurt if she was with somebody that she loved and had been together with for years (in which case I would be an unreasonable bitch to resent them having a family) but to do this with someone she barely knows who was snogging his ex weeks ago is just a farce. Trying to claim some crap about changing the pill when she has spent months dropping hints about having a baby and even trying to tell me that at my age I shouldn't be trying anymore because of the risks makes me seethe. At this point in time I don't think our relationship will ever recover.

I have discovered Aldi fake Twix so can buy, and sadly for my waistline, eat them by the trolley load.

How's the house move, bip?

I think I've given up. On I some level I think I really really care and want a baby but I just can't be arsed. I want to move on. I'm dragging my feet about getting treatment moving again. I'm terrified I'm going to regret this in a year or two when I'm definitely too old for it to succeed but I also quite look forward to the time when it's definitely too late try. Because for now I feel guilty about not trying enough. It's too hard. I just want it to be over.