The mind numbing boredom of infertility II

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

This is a thread for peole who really want to get pregnant but can't, who have tried pretty much everything, and are really fucked off about it.

Have you ever nearly punched someone for advising you to "relax", "go on holiday" or "just get drunk - that's what we did"? Well then this is the thread for you.

You won't find much sentimentality here and there's no baby dust, but there is empathy, a lot of swearing and a surpirsing amount of glittery dog shit.

Link to the original thread
original thread

Thanks ladies

DHEA gave me MASSIVELY improved egg and embryo quantity and quality between my first and second cycles BTW

I was on a massive cocktail of egg quality supplements. Will dig out a post I wrote about it on another thread

But the embryologists all thought my AMH must have been a lab error as women with almost undetectable AMH of 1.5 and FSH of 17.6 are not supposed to be able to get 17 eggs and 7 blasts

My first cycle the eggs were piss poor

The protocol was almost identical for the second but the eggs were like night and day. The only difference was the 3 months of supplements

I am a massive sceptic of woowoo but there are loads of clinics who put women on DHEA and CoQ10 for egg quality. I cannot recommend it enough. Xxx

Thank you all for your welcoming words. I was in the gym this morning pumping iron, and while I have reduced the weights and reps, I need it to stay sane - it is my equivalent of wine for many of you, as I don't really drink (not an alien-growing thing, or religion or anything, just never have).

karla, I know what a nuisance ringing round for prescription quotes is, I ended up spending £1800 for my second round, which was still about £1500 less than clinic prices.

Some pharmacies have deals with certain suppliers so offer some drugs cheaper, but rarely all drugs cheaper. The supermarkets and Superdrug have adopted an excellent militant-barren-supporting policy of only charging cost price on fertility drugs, the pharmacists are often very helpful. When you check prices, also check availability. Good luck in your mission!

banana very very very sorry to hear your news. I have lurked on your thread too. Sending you a bathtub full of glittery dog shit.

laura I definitely had slow follicles too. At my first scan on my first round the sonographer very unhelpfully poked around and informed me quite bluntly that nothing was going on. I went home devastated. My left ovary stayed asleep, but the right one did wake up. I produced 4 eggs in the end, and on my second round despite far more and more expensive drugs, I produced 5. I was very lucky that all eggs fertilised (God bless husband's super-spunk) and on each round 2 made it to blastocyst. Fingers crossed that they keep growing, you get what you need, and wishing you all the best for your egg collection.

potatoes hope you are OK, don't be embarrassed to stalk doctors (or can you get someone to do on your behalf as you are so ill?) and get the treatment you need. So so sorry for your loss and continued suffering.

PS I took CoQ10 and DHEA, folic acid plus various vitamin supplements (I take all of these usually anyway to speed my recovery from weight training- C, D, zinc, magnesium, fish oils and a multi vitamin). My yield on first cycle was 4 eggs, and after lots more drugs second cycle yield was 5 eggs, which is a 25% increase I suppose! And the following month (I was still taking everything) the alien embedded. Did not have any ill effects from CoQ10 or DHEA, it could have been what made the difference, who knows.

This is all interesting stuff, thanks for sharing knowledge. That thread is amazing, *fractions!
*
I took coQ10 for my first cycle, plus a beast antenatal multi-vit. Got 8 eggs on short protocol mild stims and five fertilised, so generally happy with that.
The main things for me additionally were Vit D as I knew I was low, plus thyroxine. I suspect the thyroid is the main issue for me, it went nuts before Christmas and had only 'evened' out to a 6.9 TSH by week 6 of my pg despite higher doses, when ideally it should have been below 2. I feel so guilty that it was still this high as it's a possible (oft documented) cause of mc. Still, I guess one thing to really focus on cracking for next time.

PPS Fractious that Fertility Friends is really excellent, thank you for posting.

To add, my husband took Vit C, zinc, magnesium, mens multivit. He usually takes zinc and mag for recovery support from weightlifting.

And just to be clear, we are not Mr and Mrs Schwarzenegger, we weight train (me 4 times a week, husband twice) for strength, endurance, flexibility and to maintain muscle mass as we age. I have no bulgy muscles at all and am quite petite :)

Argh! Since coming home have managed to not read anything on this board & kind of had a break. Don't know why, just sort of out of the habit & trying not to think about anything.

Had our HFEA consent form & sign up day today. Learned to stab. Failed to do a blood test (no breakfast, couldn't find a vein). On a long protocol - 2 weeks from day 21 of the B injection (errrr) and then a period (or not) and a scan, then 2 stabs a day of B and... M (?) for 5 days maybe.

My AMH was 46 I think, so have to be really careful about OHHS. OH SA had a count of 97m & all other markets were good too. I don't know what's stopping me getting pregnant.

Nurse said if I get a strong, decent blastothingie then I have a 60% chance of it 'taking', so that's really encouraging.

One thing that's maybe odd - I have given up hope of it working. I'm not even thinking that it might work, I don't imagine being pregnant, I feel a bit like I may talked myself out of wanting to have a child? The meeting all felt very removed & like it's happening to someone else, someone I don't really care about. Very odd feeling. I can't be the only one?

Thanks for your concern everyone. In short I feel fine every morning / afternoon, light bleeding, think I'm better. Then in early evening I get two hours of painful cramps, bright gushing blood and clots. Take shit loafs if painkillers, go to bed early. Feel fine next morning, bleeding light again. Bonkers. The EPU we really militant about not contacting them, go via GP. BUT GP was useless so I am going to hassle them tomorrow. It's not an infection as there is no smell or discharge, but I wonder if (as we were talking stats upthread), maybe I m in the lucky 0.02% that gets a perforated womb? Might explain pain and bleeding. So anyway, I'll be a nag.

banana I'm so sorry to hear your story. I was hoping to be able to join your thread! Now you are joining us. Awful.

icy yes I think feeling removed from it is common. Inevitable even!

grumple I also have under active thyroid and I'm concerned my GP didn't take it seriously enough after I told them I was pregnant. Just about got my tsh sorted before starting ivf but never tested after pregnant. Did your levels change quickly once you were pregnant?

fractious thanks for the links. I'll do my homework before next week!

banana so sorry to hear your sad news. When do the shit times ever end I wonder?

icy I too felt like you. I came out of the consultation feeling kind of numb and indifferent I guess.. Maybe like I knew we were going to end up down this road all along. I wasn't upset or shocked about it all -more relieved I suppose, that we have been given a plan. We were told our chances of success were between 30-40% so I am already thinking about round 2 and how we are going to pay for it. People I have talked to about it tell me I am being pessimistic and thinking negative.. They have no idea how much I want to wake up each morning with a PMA.. The opposite is exhausting!

I too can recommend DHEA. I'm not sure if it has helped me much so far, I guess egg retrieval/quality will tell but a year ago my AMH was less than 4. 2 weeks ago it was 5.3.. It maybe down to different lab=different reading but either way, it's a very slight improvement.
I have had no hair loss (that I have noticed) yet but only been taking them for 6 weeks. I'm not sure if it's now too late to start taking CoQ10 as i will be starting to down reg in a month or so..

Hi to everyone else, pumpin/Mrs S 💪 I'm on the mission of not being ripped off over the cost of meds. Thanks for the tips.

Hello all. I went to ground in the 6 days post-BFN. Hid under duvet. Ate loads of shit. It's now one week and I've decided to re-emerge and join the human race again.

Bip huge congrats. That's amazing news and am keeping my fingers very much crossed!

Potatoes - I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I hope you get some help with that soon - it sounds really difficult having to deal with all that.

Meh hope you've recovered after BFN too and doing okay.

Banana I'm so sorry about your news. Hope you are okay

Hi ladies. Been MIA as I got a bit over whelmed with all the IVF forms and waiting DH and I are having to do.
Then I read the thread and gave myself a slap in the face. What you are all going through/been through is an inspiration to not give up and stay strong.
Will catch up properly later.
Just had to give banana my deepest sympathy. I was on another thread with you Hun and was so pleased it had worked for you. Was really upset to read your MMC. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. Sending you lots of love to you and your DH. Hope you can come back and join us when your ready.

Good to see you back, Harold - I hope you're feeling OK. Been thinking of you.

Welcome back, too, Icy. How's the affianced life treating you? And congrats on getting treatment underway. A 60% chance is amazing! I know how you feel - after all that anticipation I was surprised how banal the whole process was. I found it helpful (and automatic) to think of myself as an inert piece of meat throughout the treatment.

Can absolutely relate to giving up hope of it working. Even though I'm technically 'pregnant' at the moment I feel blank - if previous experience is anything to go by this is just the bit where I feel sick for a month or two before it all goes tits up again. I lie awake at night thinking that I shouldn't have gone ahead with the transfer. I should have pushed for testing despite the risk. Oh well. Coulda woulda shoulda.

Pebbles don't feel bad about being overwhelmed, the forms are a weird & difficult part of it all too. Not least because you don't see fertile people having to apply to a government department in order to have a baby. There's really no part of this, administrative or otherwise, that isn't a headfuck.

Karla I don't think you're being pessimistic at all. You're being realistic, taking into account the information you've been given about your situation by specialists, doing your own research, and all of that is allowing you to make smart decisions and plan effectively. That, to me, is a positive attitude. Anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves.

The thing that's giving me some faith in the human condition right now is you lovely people. So for everyone.

Icy, you are not alone, my feelings remained very neutral throughout the IVF slog (with intermittent bursts of despair) and I often felt like an observer, was very matter of fact about the whole thing. You feel however you need to feel in order to get you through the grind of the treatment. May the force be with you.

Sitting in car outside Derby big Sainsburys (arrived a full hour and a half early for a meeting).

Dropped my OH kids (I can't brings self to use "DSDs") off at school for him. Kept a neutral face but as I walked away from that playground as bitter and angry as ever. Smug fucking entitled lazy stay at home mummies. Cunts.

Anyway have taken opportunity to catch up on thread. It's really heartening to hear Bip's good news - fuck yeah! Holding out all the hope for you, really want it to work out. Having read everything you've gone through, it's more than most and you deserve a fucking break.

Fractious - you mentioned the anxiety, how's that going? I totally get it, being prone to it, it's so difficult to cope with if you're unrelaxable. Someone mentioned novels and box sets - i'd agree with both of those, if you want to do something passive, otherwise doing ugh-mindless jobs.. Gardening (especially digging out weeds/brambles), redecorating (painting), or a 1000 piece jigsaw ... really anything you can do with your hands & engage your brain (airfix modelling?!) I read once that Pamela Anderson reupholsters furniture in her garage to unwind.

Pumingiron - thanks for sharing your story. It's not the first time someone on this thread has crossed over to the other side and found that the instadiffing twots really are as cunty as we all thought! But so pleased that you got the ironidiff - good for you :-)

Biscuits - congratulations too - whilst we're militantly bitter barrens, we're capable of feeling happy for our own! Hurrah! Couldn't tell from your posts if it was another ironimiraclediff or an outcome of treatment?

Harold and Banana - I'm really sorry. Haven't really 'spoken' to you on this thread, but it's just so depressing and unfuckingfair. Take your time, be kind to yourself and don't ever feel like you need to suck it up to go on parade in front of anyone else. Fuck them all; put yourselves and your relationships first. Don't try to be strong or tough for anyone.

Karla let us know which 'cheap' (HA!) drugs you get! My clinic is providing the lot so god knows how it will compare. When do you start stabbing? I should be in about 4 weeks (if period shows up early next week. My cycles are such a 29-36 day fuckwit that I don't have a sodding clue when it'll come!)

Aaaaand now I'm late for my meeting. Hurrah!

Oh yay, the clinic just let me know that my blood result is 'technically' positive, but at only 42.1 the levels are lower than they'd like & they need to test gain in 2 days to rule out an ectopic. However, in 2 days I will be on a plane to America. My options are to chance it, or cancel / postpone the holiday. I'm checking my travel insurance very very carefully as the last thing I need right now is to have a ruptured Fallopian tube in a country where fixing it may cost me several hundred million billion dollars.

oh bip what a dilemma! Have the clinic offered any advice re going away. You deserve a bloody holiday!
Welcome back icy! In our situation, schools and smug mothers should be avoided at all costs! Nice of you to drop the kids off though!
potatoes I hope things have settled down! Made me cross the advice you was given. Some unsympathetic fuckers in this world!
karla your just being cautious and not getting too excited. I'd be exactly the same. Rational is very important in all this, I hope it goes well.
harold hope the week from the real world helped. We are entitled to do what ever we need to make us feel a bit better.
meh hope your ok too!
It seems C0Q10 are popular, I got some from Costco, not sure if they're the right ones but the placebo effect helps me anyway! The more tablets I take, the better
Had a lovely dream last night that I was at the end of a 2ww and got BFP! Felt fucking sick when I woke up and realised it wasn't real! Then chuckled at the fact my dreams are now mocking me.
bip if you go away I hope it's a lovely break for both of you and your travel insurance isn't required!
Big dollop of mid week glittery dog shite to all of you!!

Karla I just properly noticed the awesome bulging biceps emoji you posted! Love it! (PS those aren't my guns....)

Haha pebbles I've had 2 dreams recently where I've (painlessly and suddenly) given birth recently. Waking up is shit 😒

I used to have dreams of guiltily eating massive Augustus Gloop style chocolate cakes when I was on a restrictive diet. I also used to dream I was shitting out whole carrots (stalk and all) when I was taking a lot of herbal laxatives.

Hey all just checking in - nice to see you back Icy and hope the post holiday/engagement glow is still shining bright! And I can definitely agree that this whole thing feels like it's happening to someone else. Just numb.

Welcome back too Harold, well done you for emerging. Shit, isn't it.

Row with DH tonight as I was doing my injections, he's a right twat sometimes. Scan again tomorrow morning, hoping we've had some follicle growth, and flying first thing Friday morning. Fuuuuuck!

Bip have you come to any conclusion yet about travel? It's so fucking unfair isn't it? We can't just be bloody left to enjoy it when we get to that elusive place :(

I also had a dream the other night that I was pregnant and couldn't do the decorating - painting etc. Have never had a dream where I've been preggo before. Also dreamt tho that I was mates with Cameron Diaz one night and the next night I was Lewis Hamilton's gf. I don't even like him! Ha!

Oh Bip - nothing is ever simple for us lot is it? Have you made a decision?

Will catch up properly ASAP - my head is a mess right now and I'm swinging wildly between 'ooh maybe this could have worked' and 'there's been a lot of bfps on my threads recently, there can't possibly be enough luck to go around' xx

Sammy when's your official test day? Wishing you all the luck in the world.

No fucking idea what I'm going to do about holiday. Clinic suggested I come in for a blood test late this afternoon, before going away. But I don't know what that will achieve as I'd already be in the air by the time they get results, and as it won't have been 48 hours the test won't be conclusive anyway. And even if I did postpone the holiday & take another blood test after 48 hours it still won't be able to tell me definitively whether it is ectopic, or whether I'm just cruising for another miscarriage. You seem to have to watch and wait for ages to determine whether it's ectopic.

I am just so angry that I might have to give up my holiday and sit in fucking miserable rainy cold Britain waiting to see which way my latest fucked pregnancy is going to end and whether I get to keep a tube. I'm tempted just to go. Fertile people wouldn't know their beta levels at 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant. They'd just celebrate the pregnancy and enjoy their holiday. And 1.5% of them or so would end up with an ectopic, and 25% or so would miscarry, but they wouldn't know that and so they could have a nice time in the sun without the constant worry they might suddenly die of internal bleeding.

God, I had about 3 hours of thinking this might be a good thing and it's all gone to some variety of shit I can't even classify.

And... it's over. Did a piss-stick this morning and can barely see a line even when I squint. Just after I forked out another £60 on progesterone pessaries, too.

I guess that decides it - holiday for me.

I'm a bit of a lurker but just wanted post that I'm so sorry Bip. Everyone that finds themselves on this board has had a tough ride but yours is definitely the toughest I've read about and I was so hoping for a change in luck for u. Take care of yourself. So shit