Help me keep my house clean and my DH happy!

[Ohhbaby]

I could really do with some advice. I feel like I have to do a big reset/clean every 2 to 3 days. Am I the only one? What can I do differently? Except obviously get a cleaner.

I just feel like the house gets messy so soon after a clean even with me trying to keep it clean. I do try to let the kids clean up after themselves, but sometimes they're tired or have built a fort and would like to keep it up for the next morning.
And then before I blink there is dishes in the sink and a fort in the living room and yesterday's clothes on their bedroom floor.

It is affecting our relationship a bit, because my husbands comes home from work and asks why is this on the floor, why is this not put away etc.

I understand his point, it must be horrible to have worked hard for a day and come home to a messy house, but I find it hard to keep it in perfect order the whole time. After the kids are in bed I clean the kitchen etc, but then it is like the house is only clean once per day.

And then some things sort of stay over till the next day.

Just to give examples. I change the baby's nappy during the night and just place the nappies and wipes next to my bed. Normally when I wake up I take the nappies to the bin and put the wipes away. But some mornings my I wake up because of my toddler and then go to her bed to soothe her and then obviously don't take the nappies with and then something happens and then the next thing and then the baby is awake and I feed her and then in the chaos forget to go back for the nappies. Or I'm busy sweeping the floor but then the baby cries and I leave the rest for a bit later and then this happens and then the next then I only get to it two hours later. Or I get my oldest to put on a clean shirt because we have to go to the shops and then his dirty one is on the bedroom floor - ( it often gets picked up and put in the washing but he sometimes forgets) And then by the time dinner we are back its time for dinner and bath and baby and then I only get to their room when they are getting ready for bed. ( By that time my husband is home and asks why is this on the floor for example)

So essentially in my mind there is always a reason for something not getting done, but am I just making excuses? Or is this life with toddlers? Because I feel like I'm letting my husband down, because like he says other people where able to do it, so why is our house clean once every two days. Please give me your best tips!

For context, I am a SAHM with a 4 year old, 2 year old and a 3 month old. I don't work, but have a small business where I arrange events for continues education which is only once every 3 months or so.

Is your DH busy every minute of every day? It seems doubtful. Sitting while you feed your baby isn’t downtime, for the love of Christ.

Downtime is your leisure time, when you have no tasks, jobs and responsibilities. When you’re neither cleaning nor looking after your children (and, no, sleeping at night doesn’t count). How much of this do you get? How much does your DH get (please note, any time spent doing his hobbies or similar counts as leisure time).

And what does the DH do?

This man is complaining about mess, blaming you for not being Mrs Hinch…but also leaving clothes on the floor?

Mine or OPs? I'm assuming you mean OP's. I think it's fair that OP does the picking up while she's exclusively on duty in the home and OP' s husband should pick up any mess he makes and muck in with clearing up general mess that happens in the evening. I'm just saying that if you keep a handle on the daytime mess, the evening mess is more controllable.

No no no. You have 3 small childre who you keep alive and happy everyday. Not having the added unrealistic expectation that the house is kept immaculate. Is your husband absent from the house on weekends too? How does he not understand how the house will get in a mess running after 3 children?!?!? He sounds like an awful man. To question why something is on the floor? Insane. He should be mucking in as soon as he gets home. It is clear he does no solo childcare!!

Your husband honestly sounds clueless and I'm so frustrated for you that you're tying yourself up in knots trying to have an immaculate house when you have 3 small children, including one tiny baby who you're breastfeeding.

I'm also a SAHM to 3 children. They're all in school now and there are still days (admittedly they're rare but they do happen) when DH comes home and the house is a mess. When they were all small(I have similar age gaps to you) he frequently came home to absolute chaos. Back then and now, if that's what he comes home to he just gets on with it and mucks in. In a million years he would never imply that it's something I should have done. He was the SAHP for our first 2 children so he knows the score.
You should be sitting on the blanket playing with your children as you said, at that age you can't just let them off to do their own thing while you clean and tidy.

It's so sad for your kids to bury your head in the sand about this.
Their childhood will be remembered as not being allowed toys out because daddy doesn't like mess.
Poor kids.

Pretend to ignore us if you want to on here, but for your kids sake, get your priorities right.

Tell him to clean it then

I'm not burying my head in the sand. I also think dh could be a.) more understanding and b.) help a bit more. But we have had the conversation and we don't think exactly the same. He thinks if I had better systems in place and weren't as laissez-faire with the kids, it wouldn't get into such a state.
Which is definitely also true. I 'allow' them to toddle in after me to the main bedroom to pick up the baby, with their messy hands and or half eaten sandwich. Which then causes crumbs etc. (obv I tell them off, but admittedly it's sometimes easier to allow them to sit and eat with me in the living room where I feed the baby than let them run free. (Obv doesn't happen every day)

How much energy is your husand putting in to researching strategies to keep your mood stable and keep you happy? Is he thinking about tactics to make your life easier and your environment more to your liking?

I would take a wild guess that he is not. Instead he is punishing you with his bad mood and stepping over toys rather than picking them up, and leaving a trail of coffee cups and dirty clothes behind him. He does not respect you, he is showing you clearly. His priority is himself. He is selfish and not a good partner.

If you had a good friend that had three children the same ages as yours and you walked into her house at 6pm for dinner, and the place wasn't tidy how would you react? You would empathise and muck in, not roll your eyes and complain.

The only strategy you need to employ in your household to make things fair is, nobody sits down until we all sit down. You are slogging your guts out 24 hours a day with three tiny children, and he is literally asking you to shove a broom up your arse and sweep the floor while you're at it.

Your mother has done an excellent job of training you to believe that keeping your man happy by being his live in housekeeper and child rearer is your responsibility, and you need to get it right, or risk his disapproval.

You are in turn teaching your own children the same. Your daughters will go into thw world and skivvy for men, your sons will expect the same from their wives. (Forgive the heternormity).

It will continue until somebody breaks the pattern. It could be you.

I would be very interested to know how the house would look if you left him to care for the children for a whole day alone. If you come back to an immaculate well ordered house, then perhaps you might wonder how you could be more efficient. Not before.

You ARE burying your head in the sand.

You want to believe you have a healthy relationship with a lovely man, because, well, who doesn't want that.

But you haven't got that. And I'm sorry for you about that, and even more sorry for your kids who it seems are being set to continue this misogyny.

You have a man who must be very well aware of the unequal workload in his favour, and yet rather than do his fair share, he takes his opportunity to belittle you. To make sure you are both very well aware that he is superior in this relationship.

A decent husband would come home, see you knee deep, and plunge in to help, to take the load of you. But yours makes it worse.

You wrote a statement upthread that horrified me, where you seemed to be claiming that your down time was when you breastfeed because you were sat down. So if his job is a desk job that he sits for, is that his downtime?

My, and others, posts may come across as mean. But they're the opposite. They're trying to help you wake up. Find some respect. For your sake and your kids.

It is your mother (and possibly father too) who failed you. She made you believe women are there as support humans to men. That you are not equal.
You could possibly seek some counselling to try to unpick why you feel your husband is entitled to downtime, but you are not.

Im guessing from the sound of the posts, this man has never had a day in sole care of any of those children. Its sad that some women are oblivious to how crap their so called partners are.

You don't understand OP, and that makes me feel so sad.
It's so unfair the hours that you are putting in compared to your DH.

What's worse is the fact that you seem to think this is how your life should be.
Your posts bring tears to my eyes and I get the feeling that only therapy would help.
Seems to be ingrained into you by your mother.

Please, please listen to what posters are advising you.
I may sound patronising but I'm not. I'm genuinely so sorry for your way of thinking.
I wish you well for the future x

You don't understand OP, and that makes me feel so sad.
It's so unfair the hours that you are putting in compared to your DH.

What's worse is the fact that you seem to think this is how your life should be.
Your posts bring tears to my eyes and I get the feeling that only therapy would help.
Seems to be ingrained into you by your mother.

Please, please listen to what posters are advising you.
I may sound patronising but I'm not. I'm genuinely so sorry for your way of thinking.
I wish you well for the future x

Sorry for the double post, don't know what happened there

Your husband is an arse.

Take a day off, leave him with the kids and then point out everything that’s wrong with the house when you get home.

Rinse and repeat until he has some understanding of what the reality of 3 under 4 is.

(And if he still doesn’t get it, how his life will be 50% of the time when you leave him over being a sexist arsehole.)

Ooh, and think about what this dynamic is teaching your children. Your husband is meant to be your partner but he’s acting like your boss.