Help me keep my house clean and my DH happy!

[Ohhbaby]

I could really do with some advice. I feel like I have to do a big reset/clean every 2 to 3 days. Am I the only one? What can I do differently? Except obviously get a cleaner.

I just feel like the house gets messy so soon after a clean even with me trying to keep it clean. I do try to let the kids clean up after themselves, but sometimes they're tired or have built a fort and would like to keep it up for the next morning.
And then before I blink there is dishes in the sink and a fort in the living room and yesterday's clothes on their bedroom floor.

It is affecting our relationship a bit, because my husbands comes home from work and asks why is this on the floor, why is this not put away etc.

I understand his point, it must be horrible to have worked hard for a day and come home to a messy house, but I find it hard to keep it in perfect order the whole time. After the kids are in bed I clean the kitchen etc, but then it is like the house is only clean once per day.

And then some things sort of stay over till the next day.

Just to give examples. I change the baby's nappy during the night and just place the nappies and wipes next to my bed. Normally when I wake up I take the nappies to the bin and put the wipes away. But some mornings my I wake up because of my toddler and then go to her bed to soothe her and then obviously don't take the nappies with and then something happens and then the next thing and then the baby is awake and I feed her and then in the chaos forget to go back for the nappies. Or I'm busy sweeping the floor but then the baby cries and I leave the rest for a bit later and then this happens and then the next then I only get to it two hours later. Or I get my oldest to put on a clean shirt because we have to go to the shops and then his dirty one is on the bedroom floor - ( it often gets picked up and put in the washing but he sometimes forgets) And then by the time dinner we are back its time for dinner and bath and baby and then I only get to their room when they are getting ready for bed. ( By that time my husband is home and asks why is this on the floor for example)

So essentially in my mind there is always a reason for something not getting done, but am I just making excuses? Or is this life with toddlers? Because I feel like I'm letting my husband down, because like he says other people where able to do it, so why is our house clean once every two days. Please give me your best tips!

For context, I am a SAHM with a 4 year old, 2 year old and a 3 month old. I don't work, but have a small business where I arrange events for continues education which is only once every 3 months or so.

Is this what your hypercritical Stepford Wife mother raised you to believe? Because it’s nonsense.

You’re both working to support your family. You should both get an equal amount of leisure time. He doesn’t get to work eight hours (or however long), then come home and chill while you are always on. That’s regressive madness.

LTB..
If he can't stop being such an unhelpful pig- then this may be your best option.
Sorry to put it so bluntly but it's only going to get worse, not better.
Then he'll start coming home later.. busy at work.. you'll try harder.. and he won't find his doormat sexy anymore..
honestly- time to wake up here. This isn't the 1950's.
I'd go back to work pronto if I were you

@jannier I enjoy my kids and I enjoy sitting down in the evening to a clean and tidy home. I'm quite obsessive so different drive to the op. I'm not doing it for my partner I'm doing it for myself. I take pride in doing it all and it doesn't go unnoticed by anyone in my house. Everyone is happy. id personally feel stressed if I didn't do certain jobs everyday if that means getting up early or staying up later so my mind can relax then so be it.

Just to flip this round. I'm the worker in our house, my husband is the SAHP.

He does almost all of the housework, always has, even when he was working. I do bathroom and loos. He does everything else. But it's not his job to keep the house clean, it's both of ours because we both live here.

I would never ever come home and start berating him about what has or hasn't been done.

Your husband needs to step up. Working out of the home is not a free pass to doing nothing and having a go at you.

He's not your boss FFS.

While your husband is at work (and working hard) you are also working hard, if not harder, raising the kids. But when he's finished work for the day, the jobs waiting to be done at home just continue and he needs to share the outstanding workload with you. Let him look after the kids for a whole day on his own (with shopping, laundry and cooking etc) and see how he gets on presenting a perfect home.

It's not true other people manage better than you, the grass just looks greener from a distance.

Sorry, 3 under 5 and he comes home and complains about mess? What a twat!

OP I do think your husband is something of an arsehole, and probably the reason you can tolerate him is that your mum is a cow. You have 3 preschoolers, of course there’s bloody Lego under the sofa and the fridge could do with a clean. Don’t let her help you again.

This is not to say that your husband doesn’t have positive points, but what you need to get into your head, is his views are no more valid than yours. Yes, it does sound like he’s more of a neat freak than you, but the answer to this is not for you to become a neat freak (that’s impossible, it’s not your character) but to compromise. From your description your house sounds ok - the dirty nappies by the bed is a bit mad but the rest sounds fine. He has 3 small kids, he shouldn’t have had them if he wants to live in a showroom.

You should both work equal time and have equal time off. Your job is longer hours than his, so yes, he probably does need to do more to help with housework and childcare. Do you get any time off to see friends or do hobbies right now? Does he?

You need to really consider why you think your husband (and your bloody mother) are more important or more right than you. They are not. you really are going to end up like a doormat if you carry on like this OP, Ditto you need to consider why you don’t want to ask him for help. He isn’t your boss OP. And once the kids are all at nursery school you will presumably go back to work at least PT, for now, the kids are a FT job, what you do is not inferior to what he does.

On a practical level I’d recommend A Slob Comes Clean, it’s great for those of us who are domestically challenged. Don’t let your husband or mother see it though, they clearly have no sense of humour and would use it as a stick to beat you with.

Remind your husband that he is not the only one who is working. You are looking after his kids 24/7.

When was the last time he was on his own with the dc for an entire day?

I also felt your husband is talking down on you, but in regards to the house. Is it dirty or just messy? Do you have too much stuff and would it help to declutter and get rid of some of it? Get your kids into the habit of putting things away before mealtimes or whatever points in the day you decide. A fort left up is ok, clothes or general stuff, random toys etc all over the floor is not. Can you put them in front of the telly for half hour before your husband gets home so you can do a quick tidy of the rooms you are going to use in the evening? And then if course he must get involved in setting up systems to make the house run smoothly for all of you. A rota/timetable of tasks, better storage, whatever it is you need to establish is not your sole responsibility. Good luck!

I think you are doing incredibly well with 3 kids under 5!!! And you do not let your DH down, quite an opposite. If anything, DH shall think how to keep the house more tidy and let you find time for yourself and your needs after kids are asleep.

practical tips - clean one zone each day and set routine daily tasks for everyone (age appropriate of course) so this become’s family team effort to keep the house clean and tidy.

Be kind to and easy on yourself. You are doing great job!

As for DH, he might express some other hidden feelings/frustration through asking you to be tidy etc. Worth talking to him at some point on more deeper level about changes that kids brought to your household and relationships

This is a human rights issue. 😬

You have the right not to be treated like an errant housekeeper.

If you dh wants an immaculate house hire a cleaner for every 2nd day because your dh sounds like a jerk. Tell him parenting is a 24/7 job and to help out or stfu. Honestly.

My lovely, you have a 3-month-old baby and 2 other little ones. There will be a time when you can get in a flow and have more structure around cleaning/tidiness, but now is not that time. It seems like a solutionless problem at the moment and although you can get all the advice here, putting it into practice will likely prove difficult. Even though you’ve asked for tips with how to manage your home more efficiently, my hunch is perhaps you just need to hear it’s okay things are the way they are atm. Take it easy. I did minimal when my LO’s were babies. Just the basics so my home was good enough. Going from two to three is a big leap too, you’re not an octopus, you can only do what you can do.

OP, I think you really need to give yourself a break here.

You are about 12 weeks post party and have 3 small children under 5. That is a lot of demands on your time.

When is his next day off?
Leave the 3 with him for the duration of his work day.
If he leaves at 8am, you do the same.
If he's bit home until 6pm, do the same.
See what state your house is in then.

And then bitch at him for everything out of place and jobs not done. 😃

I echo those saying this is a husband problem! You do work op- do you know how much a full time nanny housekeeper costs? That is what you are doing. You say he needs down time..... do you get down time?

I'm a single mum and at one point had 2 under 2. My advice is:
Don't put it down put it away. If it takes less than 2 minutes do it now baby can cry for 2 minutes and be fine.
Toy in kids bedroom and spend your time in there or in the kitchen- no toys in living room then that's one room you know will be tidy of an evening and it's the room you spend the most time in evenings. I actually had my kids share a room so one room was playroom and I just shut the door on it in the evenings and the mess couldn't bother me.
Nappy bin in bedroom
Multiple laundry baskets
Batch cook and freeze so you save time on cooking
Clean the bathroom while kids bath. Clean kitchen while kids eat (get kitchen table even if just small toddler table so you can supervise them there while doing kitchen
Baby in a sling/wrap
Dishwasher. Don't cook with the stuff that doesn't go it. I won't buy anything that doesn't go in I don't have time to be washing up.
Get into routine with the kitchen. Unload dishwasher as kids eat breakfast. Prep lunch AND dinner while kids have breakfast then do activities at kitchen table. Don't clear up kitchen again until kids eating dinner then tackle kitchen. I've been known to do packed lunch box when we staying home and I know I won't have time to make/clear up lunch till the evening. Lunchbox look less mess and stack better than plates etc left. You can load the Tupperware into dishwasher when you clean up adult dinner in the evening
Kids don't need to bath every night. I actually do baths in the day not the evenings. One or two bath toys at a time not excessive amount to then dry and store every time. (A colander is great for scooping multiple bath toys fyi)
Cordless vacuum that is wall mounted
Steam mop. Kept topped up with water so can be used as needed. I have a shark steam and scrub (think it's called). Whip cordless vacuum around then mop with that and it's easier faster and just an amazing mop. Normal steam mops don't deal with toddlers caked to floor food like it can.
Cleaner if you can afford
Implement a rule now. Current toy goes away before another can come out.
Dress kids strategically. I actually shop for clothes and bedding strategically. No sorting colours darks and whites in my house everything goes in together.
Heated clothes airer
Go out. They can't trash the house when playing at the park or the woods.
Get a big basket/tub/use a wash basket. Dump all mess into it and sort it when you have time, while it's sat waiting for you to have time at least house looks much better.
Give kids chores. Even my 2 year old will put his plate on kitchen side when he's done, my 7 year old can put his in the dishwasher himself now
No shoes in the house
Keep baby bag ready and in car so stocking overt

Tell him to save his breath and do what his eyes tell him needs doing in his house himself. I assume he works less than 16 hours a day? When is your fucking time off? I’d be inclined to piss off for a weekend, leaving him with his own children when his family have other commitments and can’t help him out. See how tidy the house is and how calm and in control he is when you rock in at 7.00 pm on the Sunday to enjoy that home cooked dinner that will be awaiting you. I hope he looks fresh and foxy too and is up for hot sex with lots of cunnilingus. He mustn’t get complacent! You have to work at a marriage.

Why? It’s a relationship issue. Her DH is entitled and belittling.

I do think with five of you laundry ect needs to be done every day, I think the fact you only do certain things on certain days makes it harder ( if you run errands you don't do laundry)
Set the washing machine timer and get up before the kids if you can and hang it up, or while they eat their breakfast
Make the kids put their own toys away and I know you said about a cleaner but if you are not managing I'd get one twice a week at least while they're little.
I don't think nappies should be left on the floor either get a little bin.
Maybe write yourself a list of things like this to organise yourself better so things don't look so messy.
Get laundry baskets in the bedrooms and bathroom so clothes aren't on the floor, get your shopping delivered, all things to make things easier, an ironing lady too, so you can spend time with the children but the chores are still being done,
The more kids to have the more organised you need to be I'm afraid.
Are any of them at nursery. ?

And what should the DH do?

@Petitchat and he should help too when he's home, but if she had a more organised routine and a place for everything she would not put so much pressure on herself.

Make the kids put their own toys away 😂
get up before the kids 😂😂 sure, why the fuck not. Bed at midnight, up at 12:05 because the baby KNOW, bed again at 12:30, up at 1:15, bed at 1:35, up at 1:45, bed at 1:55, up at 2:30, bed at 2:45, why not jump up at 5 before the 2yo wakes at 6?? That would have been an absolutely fucking amazing nights sleep for me at that point in life. That 2 1-4 hours in a ROW in practice never happened.

3 under 5 at home all week, I think you are the one doing the hard days work. Plus your body is still recovering from your last pregnancy and birth. When is your rest?

He needs to do more, not come home and whinge about a t shirt on the floor. You need to set a power 15. 15 minutes after kids are in bed you BOTH power around the house, music and timer on. Nothing big like mopping but just tidying, putting a wash on, quick wipe down. It'll really help.

Then there's 4 little hands making a mess all day. You've got 1 hand for the baby and then only 1 spare left to compete with the 4 making the mess! Even the tidiest 4yo is messy- mine helps clean but that's longer to set up than doing it myself! You can't keep the place immaculate all day on your own with the 3 of them.

Does he ever have them for the day himself? At home. Just wondered what state the house is in then? How does he stop them making a mess when he's cooking for everyone and holding a baby?

Then it's his problem to solve, not yours. He needs to get over his clean freak obsession. You aren't his mommy. You don't have to soothe his every frustration. If you can't see this and won't stop coddling him, life is going to continue to be difficult for you.

You have three small children and you think you don't work?

Get a cleaner or a nanny. You can't look after three small children and keep the house clean.

What does your husband do in the house?