Help me keep my house clean and my DH happy!

[Ohhbaby]

I could really do with some advice. I feel like I have to do a big reset/clean every 2 to 3 days. Am I the only one? What can I do differently? Except obviously get a cleaner.

I just feel like the house gets messy so soon after a clean even with me trying to keep it clean. I do try to let the kids clean up after themselves, but sometimes they're tired or have built a fort and would like to keep it up for the next morning.
And then before I blink there is dishes in the sink and a fort in the living room and yesterday's clothes on their bedroom floor.

It is affecting our relationship a bit, because my husbands comes home from work and asks why is this on the floor, why is this not put away etc.

I understand his point, it must be horrible to have worked hard for a day and come home to a messy house, but I find it hard to keep it in perfect order the whole time. After the kids are in bed I clean the kitchen etc, but then it is like the house is only clean once per day.

And then some things sort of stay over till the next day.

Just to give examples. I change the baby's nappy during the night and just place the nappies and wipes next to my bed. Normally when I wake up I take the nappies to the bin and put the wipes away. But some mornings my I wake up because of my toddler and then go to her bed to soothe her and then obviously don't take the nappies with and then something happens and then the next thing and then the baby is awake and I feed her and then in the chaos forget to go back for the nappies. Or I'm busy sweeping the floor but then the baby cries and I leave the rest for a bit later and then this happens and then the next then I only get to it two hours later. Or I get my oldest to put on a clean shirt because we have to go to the shops and then his dirty one is on the bedroom floor - ( it often gets picked up and put in the washing but he sometimes forgets) And then by the time dinner we are back its time for dinner and bath and baby and then I only get to their room when they are getting ready for bed. ( By that time my husband is home and asks why is this on the floor for example)

So essentially in my mind there is always a reason for something not getting done, but am I just making excuses? Or is this life with toddlers? Because I feel like I'm letting my husband down, because like he says other people where able to do it, so why is our house clean once every two days. Please give me your best tips!

For context, I am a SAHM with a 4 year old, 2 year old and a 3 month old. I don't work, but have a small business where I arrange events for continues education which is only once every 3 months or so.

I got up early this morning, put a load of laundry on, emptied the dishwasher, reset the playroom, and did a few odds and ends which really helped. I think it set up the house for the day!
So I think my aim will be to wake up a bit earlier every morning!
(One caveat though, the baby normally wakes for a feed sometime between 5h 30 and 6h30 and then I have lost my head start, because by the time I'm done with the baby, I've lost my headstart and the kids are up😅

Don’t forget to wear lipstick and a clean pinny 😂

No, all 3 at home for now. Son will go into reception in September next year.
That's exactly what dh said ' we need to start getting more organised we now have 3'. It just feels like I'm struggling with that! It feels like I have systems ie no eating in living room, no this no that, only one toy, dishwasher when kids are eating breakfast and it happens some mornings but other mornings I have a pressing email to write and then do it while kids eat breakfast for example. Then baby is up and then we go outside etc and then the whole system is out of whack. Then we come home from the parks, kids tired and hungry so I start lunch instead of emptying dishwasher and other tasks. Then take 2 year old to nap otherwise it would be too late for her nap. And when the big kids are sorted boom baby wakes. Feed baby. My husband works from home on some days and then he would come out of his office for a snack or lunch or whatever and then the house would be a mess, lunch thing still out etc. and then I can see the frustration.

May I suggest that your mum projects perfectionism onto you, which is why you've ended up accepting your DH's fully invalid criticisms. Honestly, Duplo under the sofa, that's the most ridiculous thing that anyone could say to a Mum with 3 young kids. You're not wrong, you're surrounded by muppets and your DH needs a big reality check on what time he should be contributing to the shared chores.

Also re downtime. I am not busy every minute of every day, I sit when feeding the baby ( and post on MN for example)
Or will sot outside on a blanket with kids, or play in the fort etc. It's not like I'm cleaning every minute!
(I also think dh sees this- on phone and sitting down and this makes it look like I'm not doing anything)

You say you want to model to the children having a clean house but I think you're focusing on the wrong things.

What about modelling equality? Are they going to grow up thinking the role of women is to wait on men because he's having 'downtime' while you're running around, getting up early and doing all the jobs? Are they also learning that they're only allowed one toy at a time because tidiness is more important than play? No child suffered from not having an immaculate house, but they will suffer from having a burnt out mum because you're spending your time getting up earlier and earlier.

We could give you all the tips in the world to be more organised- get up earlier, stay up later, keep going until you drop, but your job is to bring up 3 kids not to be a skivvy worrying about a bit of mess

Well I only have 2 kids and it sounds like my house. So you are doing brilliantly well 👏🏻
When was the last time your DH said well done to you for all the time and energy you spend on the kids? Or gave you some time alone to watch tv to recharge?
Because frankly all I am hearing is that he is a critical prick. Easy to criticise after he's had a break at work all day!

He has no downtime because he chose to have 3 children. That’s not your problem. When do you get downtime? I’m guessing never.

I can't believe I am reading this. He doesn't have the right to waltz in and expect some sort of Stepford Wife situation, with an immaculate home and a wife who does everything but earn the money. I was a SAH mother for years and OH worked very long hours. When he came home he mucked in and helped equally with what needed to be done, same when he had a day off. Its teamwork. Looking after three kids all day is hard work, it's exhausting and mindless. You don;'t get to just put your feet up , neither does he. That's just the way it is. Once the kids are in bed is free time , not before.

Does he ever look after the kids whilst you have a few hours to yourself meeting friends or going out? I suggest you go away for the weekend and leave him with the kids so he finds out what is really involved.

Good god, get some self-respect! Ifbjes climbing over a toy he's a child. He can put it away.

I’m angry at your arse of a DH and at your mum. Sounds like she thinks women’s job is to keep men happy and has brought you up to believe the same.

If he doesn’t like the mess he can start picking things up when he gets in. I come home from work and start unpacking school bags, tidying, doing laundry, changing litter trays and so on without a pause.

He earns the money but he does that in 8 hours or so a day. Your job never ends. He doesn’t get to get up, go to work, come home and put his feet up while you run around doing everything else. Nursery staff don’t try to clean the nursery and do all the laundry and food prep while looking after three children - it’s not possible.

If he’s too delicate to cope with chaos then he shouldn’t have had three children under 4. Too late now, tough, so he’ll have to be a grown up and deal with it. You’re not here to keep him happy at your expense. You’re supposed to be a partnership.

Please don't listen to him. Tell him to get his finger out if the mess bothers him so much. Yes, even though he works outside the home. You have a full time job caring for your children and you are not solely responsible for keeping the house clean and tidy too. It is a 50/50 job. Don't exhaust yourself trying to do it all.

I recently had the displeasure of a thread on here where I was told that I was lazy and abusing my partner because I did very little housework during the day as a stay at home mum of 3 under 5 and 7 months pregnant😂 I did repeatedly point out that I cleaned and tidied up after myself and the kids throughout the day so the house didn't descend into total chaos but apparently that wasn't good enough for the Stepford wives. So it's refreshing to see most of the supportive comments on this thread.

You're doing amazing. Also, it does get easier once they start school.

Does he count playing with the children as his downtime, like he thinks it is for you? Somehow I doubt it.

Hey OP I used to have a similar dynamic with DH. He worked full time (long & v stressful) and I was at home full time with 3 kids. I am naturally untidy & unfocused, DH is organised & tidy. So lots of potential for conflict! I felt, like you, that the division of labour in our team meant I was primarily responsible for the housework.

We never really resolved it but now the kids are older, it’s kind of passed. I work part time so we have a cleaner, which helps! What did help a bit in those days was trying to follow The Organised Mum - on FB and Insta. At least it set out what was supposed to be getting done in manageable chunks!

I do think dh might be able to do a little more around the house and I have had a conversation with him regarding that, but we're not completed aligned on that. I've spoken especially about mess he contributes, ie clothes left on floor or coffee cups in office, that he accepts.
In reality I can also do better and would like to focus on that!

You are being ridiculous. The house is no more your responsibility than his. He works you look after the children. The home is a shared space.
If he doesn't like tripping over toys then he can bloody well pick them up.
My husband sometimes comes in to a nice clean home and other days it looks like we've been burgled! It depends on what I've been doing with the kids, who are my priority, or what I've had time to do. He just cracks on with doing what needs to be done.
You talk about teaching them what's acceptable and you think allowing children to only play with one toy at a time and panicking about crumbs because 'father will be cross' is how they should be made to feel in their own home? It's little wonder when you have a mother who sits you down to scold you about the state of your home at a few weeks postpartum.
A good big clean every few day with a wizz around each night is more than enough right now. You can have an immaculate home when you no longer have the pleasure of small children.
Have some self respect and break this awful misogynistic mindset.

We definitely have a similar dynamic! I'm glad to hear it does get better!

Riiiiiight... So these super-clean ways and low tolerance of mess don't apply to himself? Only to you and the kids?

I'm sorry but the man sounds like an absolute tool.

You still haven't answered whether you've ever left him with all three by himself so I'm guessing the answer is no

What's the longest he's had the older two by himself?

I second point one. (And I've just ordered the author's book, thanks for mentioning it!)

I was a SAHM to one child, DH would help tidy up in the evenings. With that many I would have definitely expected him to pitch in. I definitely do a bit more around the house on weekends etc but thats because I get a bit more down time during the week than he does (he gets home and pitches in straight away with clearing up after dinner, playing with DD and then bath and bed). So I think it’s fair,

However you figure it out it has to be equitable.

My ex-MIL had 5 kids, did it all, got everyone to school, made sure the house was spotless, cooked every meal, made her husband happy...

... then she had a silent heart attack in her 40s and died not long after.

You can do it all, but you can't do it all forever.

Just accept that this isn't all on you. You being at home is a privilege to allow your husband to go out to work, not him going to work being a privilege to allow you to be at home slaving away.

He should be helping you and your happiness is just as important.

Oh this has pissed me off.

If he doesn't think feeding the baby is being busy tell him to get his useless fucking nipples out and he can deal with the aftermath of a hungry over tired baby.

He makes a mess too? What a horrible man. You don’t exist to serve him OP, though he appears to think so.

Im sorry after the last few posts im calling wind up. Surely no one these days is this much of a martyr with a 1950s set up? I hope its a wind up because if not this is depressing.

Your Husband said now we have 3 we need to be more organised, WE, whilst doing nothing...riiiiiiight. And you dont need downtime because you occasionally get to have a cup of tea....ok.

Either you are doing a great job of winding people up or you are complete mug. I hope its the first but if its the second, you are doing a great impression of a 1950s housewife, its sad and your Husband is a lazy arse. Lets hope your kids dont grow up seeing that and think its the norm, as you have apparently done, because its not. Having a penis and earning money, doesnt stop you being able to be a grown up and pick up a banana peel!