Help me keep my house clean and my DH happy!

[Ohhbaby]

I could really do with some advice. I feel like I have to do a big reset/clean every 2 to 3 days. Am I the only one? What can I do differently? Except obviously get a cleaner.

I just feel like the house gets messy so soon after a clean even with me trying to keep it clean. I do try to let the kids clean up after themselves, but sometimes they're tired or have built a fort and would like to keep it up for the next morning.
And then before I blink there is dishes in the sink and a fort in the living room and yesterday's clothes on their bedroom floor.

It is affecting our relationship a bit, because my husbands comes home from work and asks why is this on the floor, why is this not put away etc.

I understand his point, it must be horrible to have worked hard for a day and come home to a messy house, but I find it hard to keep it in perfect order the whole time. After the kids are in bed I clean the kitchen etc, but then it is like the house is only clean once per day.

And then some things sort of stay over till the next day.

Just to give examples. I change the baby's nappy during the night and just place the nappies and wipes next to my bed. Normally when I wake up I take the nappies to the bin and put the wipes away. But some mornings my I wake up because of my toddler and then go to her bed to soothe her and then obviously don't take the nappies with and then something happens and then the next thing and then the baby is awake and I feed her and then in the chaos forget to go back for the nappies. Or I'm busy sweeping the floor but then the baby cries and I leave the rest for a bit later and then this happens and then the next then I only get to it two hours later. Or I get my oldest to put on a clean shirt because we have to go to the shops and then his dirty one is on the bedroom floor - ( it often gets picked up and put in the washing but he sometimes forgets) And then by the time dinner we are back its time for dinner and bath and baby and then I only get to their room when they are getting ready for bed. ( By that time my husband is home and asks why is this on the floor for example)

So essentially in my mind there is always a reason for something not getting done, but am I just making excuses? Or is this life with toddlers? Because I feel like I'm letting my husband down, because like he says other people where able to do it, so why is our house clean once every two days. Please give me your best tips!

For context, I am a SAHM with a 4 year old, 2 year old and a 3 month old. I don't work, but have a small business where I arrange events for continues education which is only once every 3 months or so.

Suggest he stays at home with two small children and a baby, and deal with endless criticism from the spouse on whom he is finsncially dependent? Appealing!? I didn’t think so. The only thing that needs to change is you feeling so apologetic about the house. Tell him he’s free to pick up anything he sees lying about, cook dinner, or clean the fridge. We both worked FT, so household stuff was shared. DH did all grocery shopping and cooking while CEO of a big organisation.

Sorry OP but your husband sounds like a massive dickhead.

Probably not with a 3 month old. Once they're on a more predictable schedule, it will get easier.

He wouldnt have to climb over it if he picked it up. Surely it takes longer to bitch about a banana peel than it does to put it in the bin.

For things like toys, you could get a toy box for the living room and make it a game with the 4 year old, how speedy can we put the toys in the box. Also teaches them to tidy once finished.

For spring cleaning like things, sit down on a sunday evening and write a list of all the things you want to do that week and you then have a reminder to prompt you (as a bonus, your Husband then has a list he can also refer to if he feels like pitching in rather than complaining).

Me and my DH work completely differently when it comes to cleaning but I always say never go empty handed. If you are going to the kitchen, look round and pick up empty cups, any rubbish for the bin etc. That way you are always doing a little as you go.

Another thing my DH does is do 1 thing at a time, its so much more time consuming. So he will tidy 1 thing away, then move to the next. I make piles of things then move it all at once. So everything to go upstairs goes in a pile, then all goes up together. Just saves multiple trips to one room.

The way you explain this makes you sound more like your husbands housekeeper than his wife.

He sounds terribly critical. Your purpose isn't to keep the house clean for him. Yea you might want to keep the house clean, but if it isn't, that's just how things are sometimes, especially with 3 children. You are raising his 3 children, it's a full time job in itself, one that doesn't end a 5pm. That should be enough. It's a added extra if the house is lovely and clean, which he should be really grateful for.

Hear, hear.

I am reading your posts op and just assuming this is a joke. A sick horrible joke.

If not, what the absolute fuck. Your husband is a vile horror, as is your mum.

No op, you could not possibly be doing the cleaning on top of the childcare you already do. When your arsehole of a husband hets home, you both muck in till it's all done and neither or you sit down till you both sit down.

Ordinarily I would wonder why on Earth you think you are your husbands slave, and then I read about your mother.

You say about your Husband getting no downtime, when do you get downtime?

I also wonder when he last had the children for the whole day? I ask because maybe these things will give him perspective on how its not simple.

The kind of people who nitpick (often men) are also the ones who actually have no idea what it is like looking after multiple small children at once.

I think its great giving you tips to help with cleaning, but its also worth being realistic and maybe that means taking the pressure off you and him maybe doing a little more so your downtime is equal. Because again often in these situations, it turns out the SAHP gets next to zero downtime.

No he really spends loads of time with the kids and is loving etc. I can admit I do think he is not entirely privy to what it takes to run a household. If you've ran errands one day then the laundry and house does not get done on the same day!
However I can only work on myself and would like to do that!
I want to facilitate a clean and orderly home not only for DH but also for the children because they will grow up looking at me as the standard for what is acceptable and what is not.
I've considered only allowing the children to play with one thing at a time, ie only duplo, no cars until the duplo has been put away but it somehow never lasts for more than 2 days!

You are a SAHP not a slave. You do the housework and childcare whilst your partner is at work then you both muck in when he’s home 50/50- or get a cleaner.

Didn't realise I'd woken up this morning in the 1950s! If this is actually a genuine post and not just a wind-up for MN (which I suspect) then seriously OP get a grip. If my DH complained coming home when I'd been looking after 3 under 5s, I'd hand him the kids and go out for a very long walk! I'd also make sure he walked on some very painful duplo.

If it's not possible to look after the 3 kids well (number 1 job) and keep the house as clean as you want (number 2 job), then it's not possible.

I agree with the others. The solution is your husband does more. Why should he get to just go to work come home and not do anything? If you were at work too then you'd split the chores.

In terms of practical suggestions you could look at the organised mum method or fly woman (if that's the right name for the second one!) Tomm is about doing basic chores every day such as clean the loos and whizz the vacuum around, taking 15 mins. And doing additional cleaning in 1 room a day on a rota. I find it too much cleaning personally but the principle is sound.

This is the very reason more men are not the SAHP - because they know it’s a much harder job with very little, if no, thanks!

That's what I thought.
Either that or we're back in the 1950's.....

I think also ask the question, what would the evenings and weekends look like if you both worked full time. That is how the evenings and weekends should look. Surely he would do some housework and parenting then because it would be split? So why on earth would he not do that now.

Like I said previously, his work is 40 hours a week and then evenings and weekends are downtime (with the odd bathing children and a little gardening) whereas your work is 24/7 with no downtime. How is that even? You are partners, you are supposed to be in this together.

Why are you so against your husband contributing to the upkeep of the house he lives in OP? @Ohhbaby

you do realise if he was single man he would be out all day at work and then have to do all the housework, cooking, domestic stuff etc AS WELL. People manage it.

dont internalise the misogyny your husband and mum are showing towards you.

It really isn't. And it not about dh or me working for him. I am the one at home during the day. It really is about some tips for a mom around cleaning. I mean single moms surely clean their own home? So I should be able to as well. I am not the tidiest person naturally, and I think I can greatly improve!

One tip that really works for us is to have 4 laundry baskets.
mine - I do my own washing
husbands - he does his own
both kept in our bedroom

children x 2 - both kept in the main bathroom however 1 basket is for colours / darks and 1 is for whites. Husband and I both put our whites in the children’s white basket.

then he and I do our own washing as and when needed / our baskets are full.
either of us do the children’s baskets but generally on the weekend as they full up with uniform / white polo uniform tops.

the children know where to put their clothes and while yes they may need a reminder occasionally, they generally do it.

it also saves on having to sort out large piles of washing.

You do 2 jobs - childcare and managing house. He does one.
Your DM should be supporting you in a positive fashion

Please read this multiple times. I can't believe your own mum was critical of you, when you have a newborn...plus 2 other children.

I feel so sorry that you have this pressure on you. Unless your dh works down a coalmine for 20 hours a day, your job at home is much,much harder. If he is office based he has it easy.

Single "moms" (guessing you're not uk) don't have a moaning old man to look after as well.

Op.

In the fifties, women did everything and men went to work. And women were miserable because their load was far far higher.

And then in the last fifty years, everyone (nearly everyone) realised this and so no op, your job is not ALL the housework and ALL the childcare to 3x under 5s because that would make your share far higher than his.

It's fairer now in most households. You work all day childcare and whatever housework us achievable without compromising your children's happiness. Ish. Your misogynistic prick of a husband works at work. Then when he comes in you both work till it's all done.

Why would you believe that he should get a break and that you don't?

You work too only he expects your job to be 24/7 rather than his merger 10 or so. Why is he belittling you? Most people's houses with 3 small kids let alone your sideline are not tidy if they are it's because the partner helps out.

OP reading your replies actually worries me. You come across as brainwashed !
At the weekend I suggest you go out for the whole day and leave husband in charge and see what you come home too!

You need to cut yourself some slack here. You have small children, it's never ending. Also with all due respect your mum needs to butt out. What the hell, a bit of duplo under a couch and some crumbs??!!. It's aa family home not a show house.

I an not against it, I just don't want to dump my responsibility on someone else.
I realise I have a more tolerant personality type and it is not compatible with a clean home.