Help me keep my house clean and my DH happy!

[Ohhbaby]

I could really do with some advice. I feel like I have to do a big reset/clean every 2 to 3 days. Am I the only one? What can I do differently? Except obviously get a cleaner.

I just feel like the house gets messy so soon after a clean even with me trying to keep it clean. I do try to let the kids clean up after themselves, but sometimes they're tired or have built a fort and would like to keep it up for the next morning.
And then before I blink there is dishes in the sink and a fort in the living room and yesterday's clothes on their bedroom floor.

It is affecting our relationship a bit, because my husbands comes home from work and asks why is this on the floor, why is this not put away etc.

I understand his point, it must be horrible to have worked hard for a day and come home to a messy house, but I find it hard to keep it in perfect order the whole time. After the kids are in bed I clean the kitchen etc, but then it is like the house is only clean once per day.

And then some things sort of stay over till the next day.

Just to give examples. I change the baby's nappy during the night and just place the nappies and wipes next to my bed. Normally when I wake up I take the nappies to the bin and put the wipes away. But some mornings my I wake up because of my toddler and then go to her bed to soothe her and then obviously don't take the nappies with and then something happens and then the next thing and then the baby is awake and I feed her and then in the chaos forget to go back for the nappies. Or I'm busy sweeping the floor but then the baby cries and I leave the rest for a bit later and then this happens and then the next then I only get to it two hours later. Or I get my oldest to put on a clean shirt because we have to go to the shops and then his dirty one is on the bedroom floor - ( it often gets picked up and put in the washing but he sometimes forgets) And then by the time dinner we are back its time for dinner and bath and baby and then I only get to their room when they are getting ready for bed. ( By that time my husband is home and asks why is this on the floor for example)

So essentially in my mind there is always a reason for something not getting done, but am I just making excuses? Or is this life with toddlers? Because I feel like I'm letting my husband down, because like he says other people where able to do it, so why is our house clean once every two days. Please give me your best tips!

For context, I am a SAHM with a 4 year old, 2 year old and a 3 month old. I don't work, but have a small business where I arrange events for continues education which is only once every 3 months or so.

Also OP just think how much it would cost your husband to have a 24/7 nanny for 3 children, a cleaner and a housekeeper. Value yourself. You are working hard.

Your comment about single moms.

Well, you said upthread you're not bothered by the mess. So no, op, if you were a single mom you would not be clearing up toys ready for them to be pulled out again because it's a waste of time. You would also not be doing his laundry or his cooking so you would have far more time.

He should be pleased that the house is messy, it means you have spent time with your kids and seen to their needs! That’s what my husband use to say

Honestly OP, don't waste your baby's first months worrying about this. You're still presumably feeding on demand and getting woken through the night. Please tell your husband to back off, these next few months are just about getting through it and supporting each other as much as possible. And enjoying your children as much as you can through the exhaustion.

Sweet lord I can't belive am reading this. you have three kids and one is only a couple of months old ? you are raising three kids. I have no kids and even there are some days we come home to the hoise a complete mess. and if my husband dared say a word he be told to clean it himself I am not his maid. and Shame on your mother. why in earth did she say anything ? she shoudl be supporting you not being critical of you. I would have slapped her in the face. how about you say to your husband hers an idea ? divorce and then I would have my weekends free to clean as the kids be with you.

Ask him to have them for a day, he'll get it fairly quick.

Ultimately you have healthy kids and a lived in home, if wants a show home, then kids don't meet the criteria.

I drive myself mad wanting a clean home, but amongst the paint, random crayons, artwork and snack bowls are two happy kids who are thriving. A tidy house is relaxing, but is not always realistic with thriving kids!

Lots of love x

Cleaning isn't your responsibility op. It's both of yours.

If this isn't a joke, why do you think it's yours?

You should honestly have a weekend away, if the baby isnt able to be without you due to breastfeeding then just have him take care of the older 2. Then see how the house looks. It may make him realise its just not possible to do it all with such young ones. It may also make you realise, its not you falling short, its just life with small children.

Has your Husband ever been on his own with your children for an entire day? This may change his perspective.

Your OH should be asking the kids, not you, why they've left their clothes and toys on the floor.

A Roomba will remove the sweeping issue.

And having a nappy bin in the baby's room, it's a waste of time carrying around the nappies to multiple locations.

Would also recommend arranging rooms/doing activities where all of you are in the same room as it will make things a lot easier to manage/spot at the time, like the milk. If your toddler is running wild probably not a good idea to let them be outside on their own unsupervised.

but you are not dumping your responsibility into him. you are husband and wife and should be a fuckin team..you shoud be sharing the loads. sometimes one takes on more than the other but that's how teams work. that's fucking life and how the majority of households work.

I also have 3 under 5.
4, 2 and 3 months. How I stay on top of my house which is almost always clean and tidy is, don't put it down put it away. I also have a strict bedtime routine where all the kids are in bed by 7. Between 7-8, later if needed, I'm doing all the housework that needs to be done so there is nothing to do in the morning. Kids have breakfast, I immediately clear it away, bowls in dishwasher. Oldest is in school, middle is in nursery couple of days a week. So when they're both away I do anything that needs to be done and rest when it's done.
I understand this is too much for some with young kids, I'm just a clean freak. I also hate having anyone over if my house is even slightly messy so I like to always be prepared.

Ordinarily I would wonder why on Earth you think you are your husbands slave, and then I read about your mother

Agree with this
OP, the people around you have a very weird attitude to a tiny bit of mess and you will drive yourself bonkers if you try to keep up with it.

DH had a very tidy mum, and when we moved in together he thought he had a very low tolerance of mess. Turns out, when I made it clear it was on him to tidy it up to his standards, his tolerance was MASSIVELY increased 🤨

Sounds like you are doing great OP.
I was out this evening and when I got back, there were ripped up stickers all over the bathroom floor and two plastic kitchen spatulas and a metal tape measure on the bed under his suit jacket. Obviously one of the kids did it not DH. Anyway.
I didn't give DH a hard time about it. We try to help each other. You're doing a very hard job. I once told DH when I was sahm that he couldn't afford me. He agreed.

No sorry.
It's your DH who needs to improve. He needs to spend at least an hour or two in the evenings doing some of the things that you haven't had time for.

You both have a full time job therefore when DH gets home, remaining chores should be shared 50/50.
That's fair.

Has he ever looked after all 3 kids alone. For a whole day or 2 days and a night? So also dealing with fatigue of night wakings? If not then he really ought to try it.

Personally I found it easier as a single mum (with a cleaner) than with an unhelpful H. To be fair I worked 4/5.

Ohh man I would so desperately love to be you!

Leave all three kids with your husband for the day.

When you return, and the banana peel isn’t in the bin, clothes are on the floor and the house is untidy you can ask him what his excuse is.

Seriously @Ohhbaby, your husband is utterly clueless. Don’t be that woman trying to smooth his life. He needs to roll up his sleeves and wind his neck in.

How can you possibly clean or properly anything unless all three kids are out or asleep, anyway? Whichever one you're not watching will be destroying something elsewhere!

Wtf...is your mum a clean freak...a bit of Duplo a crumb and a fridge not cleaned for 2 weeks ...she can't have much to do....I can guarantee 90% of homes have dirtier fridges than that even if they are child free and toys/crumbs are normal too.

I personally love this view. I get it's not to everyone taste but I'm with you. My DH is the same, but I also am the same. My mental health really suffers in mess.

I have a cleaner who comes twice a week.

This is how we manage and I would suggest if you can't afford it, maybe tell your husband to 'up his game' at work.

You have three kids under 5- you're doing an amazing job.

Time to put the spotlight on your husband a little bit!! Maybe he can work harder / work smarter!!!

This has to be a wind up.

It is affecting our relationship a bit, because my husbands comes home from work and asks why is this on the floor, why is this not put away etc.

So when do you get to come home from your work to criticise the mess of the house. You’re bringing up 3 children. You’re not a housekeeper and cleaner appointed by him.

Like a PP I’d be interested to know what your DH does for work? He sounds unkind and clueless.

While he’s bathing the kids, reading them their stories and putting them to bed, you can have a child-free half an hour to whizz round. He does that, right?

And he can clear up after himself and do 15 minutes of household chores a day.

Exactly this. I'm horrified. Your mother has groomed you to be your husband's slave. Is that what she was to your father? It sounds like she wants you to validate the way she lived her life by forcing you to repeat it.

It's easy for me to say it's easy to get to this position because it's just hard wired for me. I also have a super easy 3 month old who naps like a dream, my oldest was not like that so I appreciate some babies will not allow you to do the housework while they nap.
Is your middle in nursery ?