Help me keep my house clean and my DH happy!

[Ohhbaby]

I could really do with some advice. I feel like I have to do a big reset/clean every 2 to 3 days. Am I the only one? What can I do differently? Except obviously get a cleaner.

I just feel like the house gets messy so soon after a clean even with me trying to keep it clean. I do try to let the kids clean up after themselves, but sometimes they're tired or have built a fort and would like to keep it up for the next morning.
And then before I blink there is dishes in the sink and a fort in the living room and yesterday's clothes on their bedroom floor.

It is affecting our relationship a bit, because my husbands comes home from work and asks why is this on the floor, why is this not put away etc.

I understand his point, it must be horrible to have worked hard for a day and come home to a messy house, but I find it hard to keep it in perfect order the whole time. After the kids are in bed I clean the kitchen etc, but then it is like the house is only clean once per day.

And then some things sort of stay over till the next day.

Just to give examples. I change the baby's nappy during the night and just place the nappies and wipes next to my bed. Normally when I wake up I take the nappies to the bin and put the wipes away. But some mornings my I wake up because of my toddler and then go to her bed to soothe her and then obviously don't take the nappies with and then something happens and then the next thing and then the baby is awake and I feed her and then in the chaos forget to go back for the nappies. Or I'm busy sweeping the floor but then the baby cries and I leave the rest for a bit later and then this happens and then the next then I only get to it two hours later. Or I get my oldest to put on a clean shirt because we have to go to the shops and then his dirty one is on the bedroom floor - ( it often gets picked up and put in the washing but he sometimes forgets) And then by the time dinner we are back its time for dinner and bath and baby and then I only get to their room when they are getting ready for bed. ( By that time my husband is home and asks why is this on the floor for example)

So essentially in my mind there is always a reason for something not getting done, but am I just making excuses? Or is this life with toddlers? Because I feel like I'm letting my husband down, because like he says other people where able to do it, so why is our house clean once every two days. Please give me your best tips!

For context, I am a SAHM with a 4 year old, 2 year old and a 3 month old. I don't work, but have a small business where I arrange events for continues education which is only once every 3 months or so.

No, minding the children is your job.
It's impossible to mind three small children and keep a tidy house. And if your husband thinks it is, then he needs to take over Saturday and Sunday (or ideally for a week) and do it. So he can see it's impossible.

And ignore your mother

The house is NOT 'your domain'. Looking after three children under five during his working hours is your domain. The house, and the childcare outside his working hours, is shared domain.

OP, your husband is a sexist dickhead. You need to STOP self-flagellating and start getting angry.

Oh, and tell your mum to fuck right off, too.

because they will grow up looking at me as the standard for what is acceptable and what is not.

Can you honestly not see the irony in this comment? Good God, it's like feminism just passed some people by!

I'm sorry, your 'neat freak' husband leaves his clothes and coffee cups laying about the house?! And you and he think YOU'RE the problem?!?! Please, please work on developing some self-respect.

@Ohhbaby

what are you going to do when you go back to work OP? Are you still going to try and do all the housework yourself then too?

Well done for being a stay at home Mum to 3 littlies, not an easy job, and managing everything else!!
Things will get easier as baby gets older and your eldest goes to school. There is an element of getting through the next year....
Lots of good tips on here.
It is hard when you and DH have different tidiness thresholds but there has got to be some balance and compromise found. Whilst he would love a clean and tidy house everyday, he is being totally unrealistic. Particularly this claim that other people do it, so you should be able to - who exactly and does he know how it is achieved?!
Lovely of your mum to come and help but adding onto the tidying pressure wasn't helpful. (FWIW she should see some of the things I've found under sofas at holiday lets that have supposedly been cleaned!!)
Basically, if he wants a tidier house, he has got to muck in more when he's not at work - it isn't you dumping your chores on him at all. It's you both working together in the family shared space to keep it in a better shape. It is so easy to have a plan in place as to what you'll do when but, with young children, it can get knocked out so easily!
You also need to be resting to ensure your milk supply. Too much stress/anxiety etc can affect it.
My DH has always been involved with elements of house tidying even when working FT. We have also had a cleaner since my eldest was tiny. This makes a huge difference, as the house is reset and clean once a week.
Good luck!

Burying your head in the sand about your actual situation is not going to help you long term op.

All those exclamation marks and false joy as you push on naively in the thought that this will make you a happy family.

But it's not equal or healthy.

So you'll come crashing down at some point. And that will cause far far worse problems for your family.

The BEST thing you can do for your family is to take your head out of the sand, address the inequality between you and your husband.

It's absolutely fine ti persist in your own misery with a smile on your face pretending it's wonderful. Your choice. Go wild. Enjoy. Problem is there's 3 kids now who are being modelled sexism, misogyny, inequality and have a mum who will burn out at x point in the future.

So husband works a full time job of what 8 hours a day and expects the house to be spotless while you raise his 3 children under aged 5, you are doing a full time job too, he needs to pitch in after work. If not you need to prioritise whats important and what you can let slide, sometime you have to let the little things go and do what 'needs' doing rather than what you 'think' needs doing

Maybe husband would like to employ a cleaner for you - or a nanny?

You deserve a medal, i'd be exhausted

Personally I would be telling my DH that he needs to muck in, that's what being a family is. I would also be ignoring any clothes on the floor, any mugs left etc as it is normal adult behaviour to clean up after yourself. If my DH told me it only takes 5 seconds to do something I'd ask why he hadn't done it then! He is treating you like a skivvy, it's almost as though he's trying to destroy your confidence.

A caring partner would support a bit when working from home. Let me guess, he makes his own lunch and leaves the mess everywhere? Does the ask you if he can make you anything?

I'm guessing you're not going to work? No doubt if do you'll earn less than him so all the housework will still be all yours.

My advice to you is to just do what you can, if he doesn't like it he can step up and/or get a cleaner. Your 'DH' is not your employer or keeper, you are supposed to be a family and support each other.

Blimey I only have 1 toddler and if you looked under my sofa you would probably find half a toy box of toys! Crumbs are pretty normal unless I have just hoovered.
I think the bin in the bedroom for nappies is a good idea as that one would bother me but otherwise sounds like your doing a great job to me.
One thing that has helped us is getting a robot hoover thing which we run each evening- only effort is a quick look round to make sure there aren't any toys etc on the floor he can get stuck on then turn him on.

Do you mean he doesn't even clean up after himself when he makes lunch & doesn't help feed you & the dc with that tiny baby during his lunch when he's wfh?

I fear you're a lost cause OP & will continue to be treated like a doormat.

I think the best thing would be if you started working full time & then all the house & dc stuff would be split 50/50, yes?

What was the situation before children? Does he ever make tea or do a deep clean. Does he have any weekend hobbies that take him away from the home?

It's amazing how men persuade women that if they have kids together, that also makes the woman responsible for the man's laundry, food, dust, filth etc.

Adult humans live in homes and those homes need to be cleaned. Having kids with you shouldn't mean he gets out of dull repetitive work forever.

Because guess what? Most of the time when the woman goes back to work, she's still doing the housework and when the man retires, she's still doing the housework. Just men getting out of housework forever and living their lives with vacuumed carpets and dusted surfaces and hot dinners and clean toilets without ever lifting a finger to make it that way themselves.

Fuck that. 3 kids is a harder full time job than whatever he does.

It does not sound like your house is unclean, just a bit untidy which happens so easily and fast with small children. I think your husband needs to lower his expectations.
But if you do a few things to make tidying easier as you go, it should only take seconds of your time.
Keep a nappy bin right next to where you change nappies so nappies to straight in - 2 seconds.
Laundry basket/bin in each bedroom and bathroom if you have room (our "bathroom" one is in a handy corner of the landing) so dirty clothes can be dumped straight in or quickly grabbed off floor and dumped. Encourage your kids to do this themselves as soon as they can understand and help them remember by getting them to undress/change right next to the laundry bin! Lots of praise when they remember.
Food only allowed sitting down at table, not when wandering and not on sofa, unless it's an ice lolly in the garden or something. Keep kitchen roll and wipes on the table and encourage kids to wipe hands before getting down or grab them and do it for them.
Put plates in dishwasher and wrappers in bin immediately after meals.
Keep kitchen roll out so you can quickly blot/wipe any spills before they start to dry and go sticky, then bin the paper straight away. (I will confess I have often "mopped" small spills while holding a baby with my socked foot, though I wouldn't recommend it - a bit gross and your sock gets soggy!)
Keep dustpan and brush out in kitchen during the day so you can whisk up any crumbs as soon as you spot them.
Keep a toy basket in living room so you can easily chuck everything back into it in 2 mins (you may have to do this several times a day, ask me how I know ...), Get the kids to help if they're old enough to understand. If you have space store baskets of different toys out of sight and rotate them every couple of days so kids have the novelty of playing with different stuff and (the best bit) they can't tip them all out at once.
Get in the habit (and drum this into kids) that as soon as you come in the front door, shoes off and out on rack, costs off and handed to you to hang in cupboard. Do it straight away.

I used to be terribly untidy (ADHD) and the mess would get worse and worse because clearing it up was so overwhelming but eventually I cracked it with doing mini tidies straight away. I now love having a tidy home and I'm still surprised how easy it can be once you keep on top of it as you go.

Has your mother always been so critical? A few crumbs and a fridge that isn't spotless isn't the end of the world! My home was WAY worse when I had 3 under 5. If she's always been critical it does groom you for similar adult relationships like the one with your husband. You're always told that you're not good enough so you accept that the fault lies with you but it doesn't, it lies with them.

When we decided I would be a sahp I was very clear I was facilitating my husband career and if I was willing to support him he needed to support me in the home

Things I found helped-

Empty dishwasher first thing
Put a wash on first thing/hang clothes to dry
Don't have too many toys out- 1 box and rotate
In terms of cleaning i divided main jobs up as -
1 Dust/organise downstairs
2 dust/organise upstairs
3 hoover/mop downstairs
4 bathrooms
5 hoover upstairs (fortnightly)
6 change beds (fortnightly)

I aimed to do one a day

Evenings I ate with dc. Dh got home around 6 and his tea would be ready at 630 - 730 he'd sort kids so I would finish kitchen, sweep floor, tidy living room and put dry clothes away.

Weekends we each got one lay in each. We would discuss jobs that needed doing and divide and conquer. But also do stuff as a family.

When ds was a baby he was a terrible sleeper I literally went to bed about 8pm. Dh stayed up till midnight. I would aim to get 4-5 hours sleep plus whatever I could grab in the night. Dh slept 12-6/7 .

Oh and dick move on your mother's part.

Also I would seriously consider having a few days away and leaving dh to it.

Is this for real? Trust me your husband is having an easier day than you. Tell him to pull a finger out of his arse and help out.

Why aren’t you focusing on what he can do better? He’s just undermining you whilst behaving like a lazy entitled dickhead himself.

This sounds horrible op!

give yourself a break

get up and out of the house sometimes and just forget about the house

im home with my kids at the moment as im maternity leave - I just stay on top of the laundry and the dishwasher

send a robot hoover around once a day

wipe the counters once a day before bed and that’s about the extent of some weeks

I throw all the toys into a box at the end of the day so the place is some what tidy but that’s it

It’s just normal childhood mess the kids are allowed to play and leave their things around

do you get out much ? Kids make less mess when they are away from
the house I can’t bear a day in the house with mine tbh

both your mum and your husband sound a bit off giving you a hard time though

I'm getting an impression that you're equating untidiness with dirtiness. They are not the same. For example your DM basically telling you off as there was duplo under the sofa (Totally out of order by the way) - isn't dirty, it's untidy. There is no home on the planet with 3 under 5 living there that's tidy. 3 kids under 5 is probably one of the best ways to make your life untidy. You've mentioned other people's houses being clean and tidy when you visit - you know full well there would have been a frantic tidying up exercise before you got there.

You're starting to see that the real issue is the mismatch in tolerance of untidiness between yourself and your DH (and your DM for that matter). Untidiness doesn't matter. The important questions are
are the children safe ?
are they fed and watered ?
are they clean ?
are they growing and healthy ?
do they have clean, fitting clothes to wear ?
do you and you DH have clean clothes ?
do you and your DH have meals available ?

And that's about it.

Yes really, that's about it.

Your DH does the garden - great, but does he do the garden, with 2 toddlers at his feet and the babe on his hip ?- would love to see that picture.

Other posters have said it - your DH works say 40 hrs outside the home, you work 24/7 in the home. When do you have down time ? When your DH cares for his own children whilst making sure the home functions ? Your baby is still tiny but start planning that weekend away with friends and leave him to it.

Oh and ps - sadly your DM is not on your side, but I think you know that

All these blokes who "need" downtime after being out at work all day. How many women who go out to work have that same luxury? I'm going to guess that the vast majority run in after collecting the kids from childcare and start straight on chores - getting tea, washing lunchboxes, putting shopping away, unloading the dishwasher, mediating fights, running baths, prepping school stuff for the next day....
It can be done. Women the world over are doing it. Why can't more men?

A big part of the problem is also women who a) allow men to get away with this kind of behaviour and b) actually believe all the housework is the responsibility of the woman especially if she's a stay at home mum. As evidenced by the disgusting comments left on a recent thread I had commented on and the backlash I received for being lazy and abusive to my partner for expecting 50/50 in the house from him 😂

Wait till the kids are in bed and rip him a new one.

Some great tips @honeylulu ! Thank you. Also @Fupoffyagrasshole , @autienotnaughty and many others!
I think systems is key and honestly being more strict with the kids. I definitely slack on some rules ie one toy box at a time, where they can eat etc