Hand hold - declutter diary

[myhouseandhome]

Hi, I've name-changed because I feel I need a fresh start and singular focus. I'm also feeling quite a lot of shame and overwhelm. I owe it to myself and my family to get it together and sort out our house. This is quite a long one and I hope it will be ongoing, so thank you if you take the time to read, but understand if you don't...

I'm 39 with a wonderful DH and 2DC (currently on maternity leave). DH works full-time from home and does all DIY and most of the housework, including laundry, cooking, dishwasher. He can't do any more than he already does and I can't believe he is still with me, if I'm honest. We have been together since we were teenagers and I know he loves me, but I don't think he's happy. He is starting to struggle to cope at home. He's been struggling for years, if I'm honest with myself.

Growing up, I never lived in a clean and tidy house. There is neuro-divergence in the family, but I don't want to use it as an excuse. I've always struggled with even basics like cooking and washing up, and personal grooming, let alone running a family home. I have never had a routine and keep everything, so although there have been periods in our lives when our homes looked okay, it's always been stressful and I've never felt on top of things. Now with 2DC, it is out of control. God, I don't even know where to start. I could cry.

We have lived together for nearly 20 years and I have accumulated stuff in all that time. Today, DH dug out payslips from when I was 17! And I can barely bring myself to get rid of them! What's worse is that the clutter, disorganisation, and lack of routine means that the house is not only untidy, but also filthy. I'm so embarrassed.

Anyway, I've bitten the bullet and agreed to sort it out once and for all. I'm going to do a daily post. Maybe one in the morning and a follow-up in the evening. And I'll share before and after photos when I feel I can. Please, please let me know if this should be on a different board, but I hope I'll get a little support and feel accountable to someone other than my poor DH.

My 5yo has a birthday this month, so it would be really lovely to have made progress by then.I'll start tomorrow.x

Good Luck OP. You can do this - 1 bin bag at a time. Big hugs x

Don't be too hard on yourself. One day at a time, and you'll soon see a big difference. You can do this.

1 cupboard a day helps - you can over achieve but not under achieve!

Be kind to yourself.

Once you see progress it’ll spur you on to do more!

Oh I completely understand! We moved house 6 months ago, and although I got rid of loads of stuff before we moved, I still ended up shoving loads of random stuff into plastic bags of doom and bringing them to the new house. Then I felt so overwhelmed with everything after we moved that I couldn't face to tackle the clutter.

It has literally only been in the last week that I have started to work through it. I tell myself that I'll just sort through one bag of stuff, at least that's better than nothing. But once I've done one bag I usually feel motivated to do another. I have a big pile of stuff to take to the dump tomorrow and another pile of stuff for charity. It makes me feel so much happier that all this stuff is leaving my house!

Would love to follow along and keep the momentum going!

You can do this! And it will be such an incredible boost to all of your moods and routines and daily lives when it’s become noticeable! Little bits at a time as you have time, and you’ll be so proud of what you have accomplished!

(and, as a member of presumably a very long line of pack rats, I can honestly say I truly don’t regret ANYTHING that I threw out or donated during our giant purge a few years ago. Anything. And the positive effects it had on our relationships in our home is still felt to this day.)

@HerkyBaby @wednamenov @Totaly
Thank you so much for your posts last night. I read them before going to sleep and it was so lovely to have some words of encouragement.

@confusedlots
We moved into our house before DS1 was born and we still have unopened boxes - mostly paperwork. Some of those boxes have been with us for 10 years plus! I've also got plastic bags and baskets stuffed with random items from tidying sessions. Probably panicking when someone was coming to the house. Let me know when you've been to the dump and charity shop - well done for getting started!

@MabelQ
I really hope that I will have the same feeling as you. I live for the day I can see that it's all done. I know how much it will mean to my DH.

I had an awful night's sleep. My 7mo is feeding a lot atm. DH had him so I could sleep for a couple of hours this morning. I've had breakfast and a cup of tea, and he's told me to grab a shower whilst DS is napping and he will tackle the kitchen. I'm going to clear the living room floor and sofas, then vacuum, and we are going to donate a bulky broken toy to the Men's Shed, then go for a coffee as a reward.

Hi Op.

All the best with your journey. It is something you get better at the more you actualy do.

To help me declutter, I find it useful to go through some of main bits of advice in 'The Art of Discarding' by Nagisa Tatsumi. I find "don't say it's a waste" particularly useful.

Red online has a good summary:

https://www.redonline.co.uk/wellbeing/a526296/tidying-advice-from-marie-kondos-guru/

Good luck! I find watching Sort your life out on iplayer is good motivation. I like the idea of grouping similar things together eg denim jackets and then keeping a couple of your favourites. Getting started is the main thing - well done

Good luck OP. I’d suggest starting with the kitchen or bathroom as there should be less emotional attachment to stuff in those rooms.

And just do 1 section or cupboard at a time so you don’t get overwhelmed.

Once you are on top of those rooms, this should give you some motivation to carry on with other areas of the house.

The biggest key to decluttering is to stop bringing things in to the house. Make every purchase a considered choice and decide where the item will be stored before you think about bringing it in.

I have done something similar in the past, but am psyching up to do it again. Similar background & it does make things much harder.
I blush to admit, but I kept one payslip from each job, as like you I had them going aaaallll the way back, and it was the only way I could manage to get rid of them.

@Stoic123 Thanks for linking the article. I have a copy of Marie Kondo's book, but it's been sitting on the bookshelf for years... 🫥 Lots to take away:

• don't say 'it's a waste' and only keep things I actually use.
• don't keep things 'for now' that are broken or damaged. I have a lot of clothes that need mending/stains removed - this will definitely help with that. I think I need a mending pile when I sort the clothes. We also have quite a bit of chipped crockery, but it is used. Perhaps we can look at replacing these.
• remember that nothing is sacred. I'm quite drawn to Swedish Death Cleaning because it makes you consider what you're leaving for others to sort out. I have recurring daydreams about dying and my DH or worse - someone else! - having to sort through my belongings. 😳
• stop worrying that you'll get rid of something you shouldn't. I think this is what I find hardest. I worry about wasting money and losing memories.
• discard when you exceed a certain amount. This is one to come back to when it's all sorted, I guess! I did clear out mugs and towels last year - that was very satisfying!

I'm definitely going to keep these all in mind.

Best of luck with it, it sounds like you're really motivated.

Something I find really helpful when I'm decluttering is think, would I buy this today? If the answer is no then it goes.

Make sure you have a plan for where things will go. Order a skip or plan a charity sop run etc etc, don't just leave things to pile up.

My DH and I have been watching this! It's really inspiring! I thought I would find Stacey Solomon irritating, but she seems so genuine and is really kind to the families. I love the warehouse the most. I need Dilly in my life. 😂

I am with you op! We have been in this house 20 years, 2 dc later and we have accumulated so much stuff! Today dd 1 and I sorted her wardrobes, something I've been putting off but it literally took an hour and I feel so much better now. Yesterday I did the pantry. I am off work Wednesday so I am going to tackle the loft.
One step at a time, we can do this!!

Also google the organised mum method, it may help you going forward with a routine to keep on top of things.

I found Banish Clutter Forever by Sheila Chandra really, really helpful when I was in a difficult place a few years ago. She grew up in a chaotic, cluttered home and the book sets out manageable steps to start tackling things.

.good luck OP, one step at a time.

You’ve got this OP!

When I feel overwhelmed, I put decluttering videos on my iPad on, move that to where I want to work and get stuck in.

Start small. Very small. Maybe the cutlery drawer. Take everything out. Clean it to an inch of its life. Only put back what you love and use regularly. The rest in a big black bag.

Once that drawer is all shiny, I guarantee you will want to keep opening and looking in it.

@SpottyElephant This is really good advice. I want to start with the kitchen because it is genuinely filthy. It's really embarrassing to admit, but it's probably a health hazard, especially as my 7mo is joining us for meals now.

Today, I cleared the kitchen and dining room floor, then swept it. It still needs a scrub, but that was a start. The dining table is now clear! We all used to eat around one end because half the table was covered in crap: paperwork, toys, fruit bowl (filled with batteries, bits and bobs). Anyway, that was cleared today, although I did just move some bits elsewhere.

I've written a list of every space in the kitchen and I'm going to start tomorrow!

I’m with you too. Feels so totally overwhelming.
One thing that has helped me, is Dana K White’s no-mess decluttering system. The idea is you choose a cupboard/bag/drawer whatever. You start with rubbish, then things you know have a home and you put stuff away as you go, not into piles. That way, if you get disrupted, you haven’t made any more mess, just progress. Takes a bit longer, but it’s really helped with the kids around.
Good luck. You are not alone.

@BertHandsomeAteMyBudgie I think I've spent months (if not years) psyching myself up to this point. I've always had times when the living spaces look acceptable, but there's been clutter hidden in every other space imaginable. I'd shove stuff into our bedrooms if we had guests and hope they'd use the downstairs loo rather than go upstairs. DH is amazing, but he just couldn't understand why I was freaking out about him clearing my payslips. I said I wanted to keep just one and I think he thought I was mad, but it's so hard! I think if I kept just one from each job like you, I could maybe bring myself to clear them all out at a later date.

I hear you. There's ND in my blood too and my mother was a hoarder, so it's hard for me to let go of things. What helps me is giving myself a stern reminder that it's worth zero while I am not using it, I realistically will never get around to selling it, and the stuff is making me miserable by existing.

I use Google Calendar and set up small chunks as things I aim to do that day. Today I managed to clean the bathroom and I can't believe I actually did it - I think it's been a year since I last mopped properly. Last week I went through four bags of crap (on four different days) but somehow, just sitting down and doing "one bag" is manageable. Then I got rid of the sofa - it took me a year to stop hoping to cash in on it, I finally lost patience with me (lol) and said that if it's not gone in a week on Facebook in a freebie group, I will pay someone to take it to the tip. It was gone in less than 2 hours, and then I let myself feel really, really proud of regaining that space. About ten times over. Every time I see that space again. Yeah, I did it!

Some days I'm just too tired or can't motivate myself to do that one manageable item I've put into my Calendar. When that happens I push it forward by a week - but my rule for myself is that then I have to do both things on that day. Knowing what task is coming tomorrow helps a bit too. It's having a plan for the day other than just treading water. A sense of purpose. You can do this. We can do this.

Could you photo or scan your payslips and ‘keep’ them digitally? Would that help you to let the physical copies go?

I’ll follow along if that’s ok. I have so much clutter and I’m terrified of it getting like my parents’ house.

@myhouseandhome

are you a huggy person? If not just leave them here for someone else!!!

((((((Hugs)))))))

Everyone has different recommendations of what worked for them, so I'll add mine.

Dana k White (the k is important or you get some bloke!!)

she has a ton of you tube material & pod casts. All free. She has books too & audio books which are available through libraries.

she struggled all her life, she hasn't had a diagnosis, but acknowledges she accepts viewers comments that she likely has ADHD. But says she had to find a way to deal with life either way. She tried every possible system/style/advice out there and none of them worked permanently for her

I suggest you watch her videos as I won't do her justice!!!

Her first points are 'better' and progress & only progress.

Choose a place you need decluttered. Do visible spaces first (ideally what people see when they are at your front door). Then other visible spaces (dining table/coffee table/kitchen work surfaces). You'll get a boost from seeing the space clear that you won't get from doing a cupboard!!)

start with a rubbish bag & donatable donate box (any container that can be donated with the stuff)

-remove any actual rubbish (nothing you have to think about, just actual rubbish)

put anything that you don't want/need in the donate box.

then easy stuff 'take it there now' anything that has a home already, but isn't where it should be.

say it's a cook book you've abandoned on the dining table and you take it to the shelf where your cook books are kept, but it's full, remove any rubbish/donatable items that are there. And then go back to the space you were working in.

then go through item by item giving them a home.

ok i could use up the entire internet leading you through this, but if it sounds like something you'd be interested in, just watch her you tube!!

She will honestly walk you through this, in a way that always makes your space better and never keaves you will piles of stuff to deal with when you run out of time/energy or the kids need you

@Ihaveaskedyouthrice Your username made me smile - my little boy loves the word 'thrice' atm. 🥰

Thank you - I am really motivated. I said I wanted it done by my DS' birthday, but actually it's my 40th in January. I was having the same conversations with myself at 30 and can't believe I've let it carry on for another 10 years!

Would I buy this today? I think this could be a really helpful mantra. Especially in the kitchen and bathroom! I read an article about the 20/20 method. If I remember correctly, it was encouraging of being ruthless with items that you can replace for less than £20 and find online or in a shop within 20 minutes.

Having a plan is also a great idea. I'm guilty of sorting spaces and then just having 'organised' piles everywhere. We have bags and bags of clothes upstairs that were sorted some time last year. I think if I work more slowly and methodically, I'll have the clarity to dispose/donate/sell straight away.

Here's a link to one of her youtubes https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KB1hNf4zQT4&pp=ygUgZGFuYSBrIHdoaXRlIGRlY2x1dHRlcmluZyBzdGVwcyA%3D