Hand hold - declutter diary

[myhouseandhome]

Hi, I've name-changed because I feel I need a fresh start and singular focus. I'm also feeling quite a lot of shame and overwhelm. I owe it to myself and my family to get it together and sort out our house. This is quite a long one and I hope it will be ongoing, so thank you if you take the time to read, but understand if you don't...

I'm 39 with a wonderful DH and 2DC (currently on maternity leave). DH works full-time from home and does all DIY and most of the housework, including laundry, cooking, dishwasher. He can't do any more than he already does and I can't believe he is still with me, if I'm honest. We have been together since we were teenagers and I know he loves me, but I don't think he's happy. He is starting to struggle to cope at home. He's been struggling for years, if I'm honest with myself.

Growing up, I never lived in a clean and tidy house. There is neuro-divergence in the family, but I don't want to use it as an excuse. I've always struggled with even basics like cooking and washing up, and personal grooming, let alone running a family home. I have never had a routine and keep everything, so although there have been periods in our lives when our homes looked okay, it's always been stressful and I've never felt on top of things. Now with 2DC, it is out of control. God, I don't even know where to start. I could cry.

We have lived together for nearly 20 years and I have accumulated stuff in all that time. Today, DH dug out payslips from when I was 17! And I can barely bring myself to get rid of them! What's worse is that the clutter, disorganisation, and lack of routine means that the house is not only untidy, but also filthy. I'm so embarrassed.

Anyway, I've bitten the bullet and agreed to sort it out once and for all. I'm going to do a daily post. Maybe one in the morning and a follow-up in the evening. And I'll share before and after photos when I feel I can. Please, please let me know if this should be on a different board, but I hope I'll get a little support and feel accountable to someone other than my poor DH.

My 5yo has a birthday this month, so it would be really lovely to have made progress by then.I'll start tomorrow.x

The moment I read your post I knew EXACTLY what you needed - and I see that someone else has already mentioned it. A Slob Comes Clean. You could begin listening to her podcasts from the beginning, or you could buy one of her books. Other schemes (like, for example, The Organized Mum) work perfectly for people whose brains work that way - but for people who are overwhelmed with just LIFE (with keeping on top of showering and just the day to day stuff, for example, and whose lives are a disaster) they aren't going to work.
A Slob Comes Clean does. And you never leave your house worse, so no emptying out a whole cupboard and then just wanting to cry.
I have listened to all her Podcasts from the beginning. My house will never be perfect, but it is so much less cluttered and therefore so much cleaner. You can do it!

@myhouseandhome

im sure your DH is lovely, but he needs to stay in his own lane. He needs to declutter HIS stuff, not yours.

if by some unheard of miracle there's nothing if his cluttering any spaces at all he can help/support by giving you time & space to do the decluttering. & he can do charity shop/tip rubs.

he will only make things worse if he tries to declutter your belongings.

I was massively inspired by the minimal mom and Joshua becker on youtube.

Joshua becker is very short videos. To the point. Usually 5 minutes long and really inspiring. Hard to not get up immediately and start decluttering.

The minimal mom is longer videos- I usually put her as Im decluttering or cleaning etc.

My current favourite question is: if this item spontaneously combusted would I replace it?

@myhouseandhome

this was Dana K Whites original blog, she was Noni at the time (she wanted to blog anonymously) as 'A slob comes clean'

I'd really like to reply to everyone who has replied. I can't tell you how supported I feel. It's like being cheered on from the sidelines!

Today, I really wanted to clear the living room as I just wanted a nice space. I cleared the sofas and the floor, then gave everything a thorough vacuum (I even used the crevice device!). I still need to declutter the bookshelves/TV unit/radiator/underneath the coffee table, clean the windows/TV/mirror, and dust, but I just accepted that it wasn't going to happen today. I had already sorted two piles of books to take to the charity shop, so bagged them and put them straight in the car and to a charity shop in town. The giant broken toy is in the car too, but the Men's Shed isn't open until Monday at 10am - I've set a reminder. DH sorted the paperwork/colouring/books that were piled on top of it. I cleared the dining table and swept - the floor and radiator need scrubbing, patio doors need washing, but that wasn't going to happen today. I took down DS' pictures from the wall from last Christmas!

Clothes is going to be a really big job. I collected all the laundry from the bedrooms/hallway/bathroom and made a giant pile on the dining room floor. DH sorted and put a load on. I moved clean laundry piles from front room/stairs/hallway to drawers, then picked up everything on the floor or in bags and moved it to the nursery. The nursery looks horrific, but I can still use the change table and 7mo is still in our bedroom. Once we've got laundry down to our daily clothes, I'm going to sort through all the clothes in one go.

Tomorrow, I'm going to tackle the kitchen. PP have suggested a drawer/shelf/cupboard at a time, so I have written a list to cross through. I also need to clean the kitchen because it's really filthy. The hob hasn't been cleaned in weeks and the oven only gets cleaned once a year, if that. It's awful, but I'm owning it.

Sorry for the essay and thank you all again. I really appreciate you taking the time if you've read this far.xxx

👏👏👏👏👏
I'm also on maternity leave and to be honest my hugest "push" was thinking what a health visitor might say. My kitchen is also a health hazard. But at least the floor is clean (somehow it wasn't so hard to do once I already had the bucket out for the bathroom).

We'll get there!

The other thing I find is that I am a magpie with method as much as in real life. I do not find that any single system works for me, but every system has something I can use (this is why I like the och pod)

soi love Dana k whites ‘container’ idea (everything is a container, including your house, things have to fit in it, including you, if you don’t fit there’s too much stuff). And also whatever you do, it’s getting better
i also love Marie Kondo’s idea of thanking things before you let them go, I use it less now, but still find it helpful.

I like the grouping idea, but can’t manage it & am fascinated by the warehouse programmes (but unlike pp Stacey Solomon really irritates me, there was a brisk Canadian woman that was doing it about ten years ago )
I sometimes like 20/20s from ufyh and some of her attitudes etccetc

i might have a cleaver, tidier space if I spent less time reading about it!

Op- well done on your progress. Keep going!

I think this is what I find hardest. I worry about wasting money and losing memories.

OP - I have this too. But I've started to think of it differently since DH started decluttering our garage.

On memories: he kept asking me to double-check if he could throw items away. And honestly, if he just tossed them I wouldn't even know it was missing. So to have that memory attached to that object, I'd have to display it, or be prepared to regular explore boxes to find it. I'm not prepared to do either. If my brain doesn't want to hold it, then I shouldn't keep it.

On money: start attaching a literal financial value to EVERYTHING. For example, that kids bike my child doesn't use is worth 'x' second hand, but if I could actually buy the space it occupies ... how much is that worth? Then prioritise the more valuable one.

I also add a price value to my mental health, and to being able to find things, to the pleasure of space and clear areas. I find I am very rarely 'wasting money', but more investing it in the future. If I do find I miss an object I throw away, I can buy it again. For now, the best way to maximise reward and returns might be in throwing it away (for now).

And yes, if you do buy it again you might feel 'darn it', but keep in mind that if you're throwing away thirty items, and only have to repurchase one, then the value of chucking far far outweighs benefit of keeping.

(I've been on a bit of a journey myself ...)

You’re doing really well! We are in a similar boat. Need to get rid of at least 75% of our stuff, I reckon! It’s very slow for me. The problem is getting disheartened when one room looks good but the rest of the house is upside down. Sending solidarity!

OP so much of what you've described has been my life, except that my kids are older. I've tried so many systems over the years from Flylady onwards.

One basic for me - audiobooks or podcasts or good radio shows. I need something for my brain to be paying attention to when I'm trying to do this stuff, or it makes me feel completely desolate. I discovered that even before kids and it's the one rock solid thing I rely on.

Next I'm going to third or fourth the recommendation for ASlobComesClean (Dana K. White). Since I found her stuff I've stopped looking for other systems. It's not a rigid system, but the steps work and you can tell she is just like us, and it is so refreshing to hear someone like that talking. I'd really recommend her books as audiobooks, even more than the podcasts. I wish I'd found her when my kids were babies.

I find her approach works for me regardless of how much time I've got available to work in - I can apply it during a whole day of decluttering, or when I've only got ten minutes and can see a hotspot building up clutter again. Far more stuff is leaving my house now.

Actually the idea of a hotspot is from Flylady, who did give me some useful tools, like also setting timers for 15 minutes work - but fundamentally I don't think Flylady was (or was willing to admit she was) a slob or had ADHD, whereas DKW is like that and gets it.

The other thing I try to use now is an app to set me recurring tasks like "5 minutes toy tidying" or "5 minutes of moving laundry on". I use Tody. I don't always do it - the app doesn't magically provide the motivation - but it always works well when I do (and for some reason I'm always surprised). Then in those short sessions I use the principles from ASlobComesClean.

Good luck, you can definitely do this!

I got 2 large bin bags of clothes, toys etc to the charity shop yesterday and a boot full of rubbish to the dump - old duvets, ripped duvet covers, loads of cardboard, broken toys. One of my biggest issues is clothes, they are literally everywhere! I'm on a mission to get the laundry baskets cleared and then get everything into piles of similar items to see exactly what we have, and try to streamline things.

I'd love Stacey Solomon to come to my house and empty the contents into a warehouse!

And I'm off to listen to A slob comes clean, thanks for the recommendation!

That sounds like brilliant progress! Well done.

Have you used the Olio app at all? You'll find you come across the odd thing that instinctively feels too good to bin but that isn't good enough to sell or suitable for a charity shop, so it can end up hanging around for months or years because you can't bring yourself to bin it. Olio can be good for getting rid of things like that.

Although don't be afraid to set the bar very low for binning things. You have to sometimes. The people with the tidiest houses don't angst about this at all, they are brutal when it comes to just getting things out of the house.

Fantastic start, well done 🙂🙂

Thank you for all of the recommendations - I'm definitely going to look into Dana K. White / A Slob Comes Clean. So many of you have mentioned her!

We were out for most of the morning and then had a Sunday roast at home... But in the afternoon, I did tidy and vacuum the living room to keep it in the same state as yesterday. I also swept the dining room again. I'm not used to doing chores to keep on top of things 😳 but I am trying!

We have a dishwasher, but there are usually piles of dirty dishes, pans, cooking equipment, tupperware, recycling, etc. So today I cleared the counter above the dishwasher. I binned old food and rubbish, moved things that didn't belong to a different counter (!), emptied and refilled the dishwasher. What was left in the kitchen, I decided to hand wash - I would usually have left it there for the next load. I had to wash up the draining board before I could get started! The dishwasher itself and tiles really need to be cleaned, and the counter is dry and stained, so needs sanding and oiling, but I know I've got to save the deep cleaning for when the clutter is gone or else I'll lose focus.

Grim discovery of the day: a urine sample from a midwife appointment... I have a 7 month old baby for crying out loud! It was in one of the 'panic tidy' carrier bags. 😷

Tomorrow I'm going to clear the 'clutter' counter in the kitchen. If I can I'd like to clean the hob too.

Two things I have found handy from unfuck your habitat - washing up/laundry is a three step process, wash, dry and put it away (many tasks are like this, there’s a tail end to catch you out lol)

the reset area. Once you have ‘done’ an area it should be reasonably easy to spend only about 5 minutes resting it to its tidy state. I will say I find this works more for kitchen and bathroom surfaces than other areas, but I have a couple of fixed areas I can reset to tidy quite quickly, which ( always feels like a win.

Keep going!

How do you feel having a few decluttered spaces? Remember that joy and keep going.

Hi, so glad I found this thread. I’ve read so many ‘sorting out’ threads and haven’t been able to relate to any of them, they are already far more organised than I can even contemplate 😂
I can really relate to everything everyone has said so far. I have bipolar and ADHD, single mum, my house is like this and like you I’ve been saying I’ll sort it out since well, since I had my first place. My 40th is coming up end of Dec, so for a very long time. I’m using xmas as my marker, I know it won’t all be done by then but I’d like to get to a decent stage by then.

i have just in august moved house and whilst for the first time ever i managed to have a massive clear out, and yes i still had payslips from my first job at 16 too….. there still a hell of a lot to do. I’ve not even unpacked everything yet. I too did the whole ‘panic, chuck everything in bags’ thing. No surprise as I do this all the time so I can definitely relate to that. I’m going to look at a slob comes clean, it sounds like this is what I need.

Well done op it sounds like you’re doing amazing!

I’m loving all the tips pp’s

One step at a time!

It must have been so satisfying to do that together - and she's learning how to do it too! DH and I sorted DS' clothes a couple of weeks ago. We've bagged up all his old clothes, but they are everywhere... 0-3 is in the living room, 3-6 is in the nursery, 6-9/9-12 is in the drawers for 7mo, 1-2/2-3/3-4/4-5 is under the stairs, 5-6 is on a chair in his bedroom, and 6-7 is in the drawers for 5yo (he's tall!). When we get to the clothes, I'm planning on selling/donating anything the 7mo has outgrown, but I'm already feeling really emotional about it. 😭 I think I'll try to fit all the old clothes under the stairs. It's a pain, but they have to go somewhere. Maybe we could vacuum pack them... 🤔 Has anyone done this? Is it worth it?

I wish we had a pantry, but I guess it's another place to fill! We don't have a garage or (weather tight) garden shed for storage either. Our loft space is very shallow and mostly inaccessible, plus I have a huge spider phobia, so DH is in charge of the shed and loft, which means they are organised (as far as I know!).

I'm looking forward to hearing how you get on in Wednesday!

Keep going- if you get second thoughts just remember you need to let go of the old to allow the new in. If you don’t need it, let it go to allow space for the family to grow.

Happy to join you on your journey. Please take before, during and after pics.
immediately fill the car with your de-clutter and take to the tip.
once it’s in the car be very very strict with yourself and DO NOT go back for it.
Start with a small space to get your confidence up. Get the music on loud and get this party started! Good luck OP we are all behind you x

i agree with keeping a few payslips from each employer.
there have been problems recently with some people's state pensions, as the DWP records are sometimes incomplete, and they dispute whether a person has paid enough NI . . .
so it is useful to have some proof of payroll contributions.

also re chipped crockery, that should be destroyed pronto.
or if you have a garden or keep plants, some people like to add crushed ceramic to soil.
cracked or chipped crockery means there is an inaccessible area that cannot be cleaned, or the glaze is breached, so that harbours germs.
no good keeping for some other purpose, eg pen holder, as can get mixed up with useable crockery, re-introduced to table-ware.
also it's an easy thing to ditch, which is satisfying when clearing, sorting and sifting.

Vacuum packing the kids clothes is definitely a good idea. You can order a box of 10 bags on Amazon and comes with a pump to take out the air. We haven’t much storage space in our house and vacuum packing and putting away stuff DS has outgrown helps me have space to keep things he currently uses reasonably organised.

I actually have this app! I bought it a few months ago, but didn't even do one day because I couldn't tick off the Level 1 jobs... 🫥 I just checked it and they are:

• quick floor clean of main living areas
• one load of laundry
• quick clean of bathrooms
• make beds

I've done three of those things today! I'm going to start cleaning the toilets and sinks tomorrow and try to do those as a minimum every day. I need to add clear and clean dining room table, clear and clean kitchen counter to the list to maintain what I've started.

Part of my (lifelong) problem is that I get really overwhelmed with even basic daily tasks. I always brush my teeth, shower, and get dressed, but - honestly - I sometimes haven't got passed that because all my energy has gone into making sure my DC are cared for and I am ready for work. I'm on maternity leave and I still struggle to eat three meals on some days! It's only been three days, but I feel like I could manage Level 1 tasks now.🤞Thanks for the reminder!