Hand hold - declutter diary

[myhouseandhome]

Hi, I've name-changed because I feel I need a fresh start and singular focus. I'm also feeling quite a lot of shame and overwhelm. I owe it to myself and my family to get it together and sort out our house. This is quite a long one and I hope it will be ongoing, so thank you if you take the time to read, but understand if you don't...

I'm 39 with a wonderful DH and 2DC (currently on maternity leave). DH works full-time from home and does all DIY and most of the housework, including laundry, cooking, dishwasher. He can't do any more than he already does and I can't believe he is still with me, if I'm honest. We have been together since we were teenagers and I know he loves me, but I don't think he's happy. He is starting to struggle to cope at home. He's been struggling for years, if I'm honest with myself.

Growing up, I never lived in a clean and tidy house. There is neuro-divergence in the family, but I don't want to use it as an excuse. I've always struggled with even basics like cooking and washing up, and personal grooming, let alone running a family home. I have never had a routine and keep everything, so although there have been periods in our lives when our homes looked okay, it's always been stressful and I've never felt on top of things. Now with 2DC, it is out of control. God, I don't even know where to start. I could cry.

We have lived together for nearly 20 years and I have accumulated stuff in all that time. Today, DH dug out payslips from when I was 17! And I can barely bring myself to get rid of them! What's worse is that the clutter, disorganisation, and lack of routine means that the house is not only untidy, but also filthy. I'm so embarrassed.

Anyway, I've bitten the bullet and agreed to sort it out once and for all. I'm going to do a daily post. Maybe one in the morning and a follow-up in the evening. And I'll share before and after photos when I feel I can. Please, please let me know if this should be on a different board, but I hope I'll get a little support and feel accountable to someone other than my poor DH.

My 5yo has a birthday this month, so it would be really lovely to have made progress by then.I'll start tomorrow.x

Thank you!

I find it difficult to watch a video and do something else at the same time, but I have been watching Sort Your Life Out whilst having a break and it's given me the motivation to get up and keep going. Have you got any recommendations? I'm on the current series, so will run out soon. 😬

The best thing I've done this time is to start small! As PP have said, I'm trying to move forward each day. I thought I'd have done more by now, but what I've done is still amazing! I think it's going to take a week or maybe even two to declutter the kitchen, but if I've done it in two weeks, it'll be the most I've done in years. I'm looking forward to the cutlery drawer - it's the big black bag that makes me nervous, but I'll try to sort that on the same day!

Thank you!

I just found a copy on eBay for £2.34 and free postage! If I haven't opened it by the time I sort my books, I've promised myself that I'll declutter it then. 😂

Be ruthless with the baby/toddler clothes OP.

My boys are 9 and 12 and Ive kept less than 10 key items of clothing/shoes each for the memories. The other memories come from photos.

I kept everything from Ds1 for DS2...until I realised I didn't want to put my gorgeous newborn in stained yukky clothes. Stains tend to go yellowy and elastic doesn't last for years.

Also as they grew I discovered they had different shaped bodies so any shorts and trousers couldn't be passed down and some tshirts looked wrong on DS2 (colour and shape).

Other arguments for being ruthless :
I wanted to buy DS2 some new stuff as it seemed unfair that he always got faded hand me downs.

DS2 had different tastes to DS1 from a young age.

If you're not extremely organized you'll suddenly discover that you've been storing a load of clothes for YEARS but had forgotten/hadn't realised that DC2 has actually already outgrown them. So storing and taking space for NO gain.

Kids actually need far fewer clothes than we realise. And if you do suddenly discover you need something, they are very easy to get hold of.

My advice: go through the clothes and pick out only what you positively want to keep. NOT what you want to get rid of. Be realistic about what Dc2 will actually wear and use.

When I'm decluttering I like to think "if I was moving house would I bring this with me?" And if the answer is no, then I don't need it.

I keep coming across things I haven't thrown out but don't use, like a face mask thing that was a present from my sister. I've never used it, yet every time I see it, it "pings" my energy. If I'd dumped it the first time I'd have saved myself 100 times of feeling guilty and would have long forgotten about it

Two things we do that really help.

Every night, DH and I spend 10 minutes cleaning the kitchen. Dishwasher is loaded. Surfaces cleared, sprayed and cleaned. Floor swept or mopped and table cleared. We can do it in 10 mins together and we come down the next morning to a clean, tidy kitchen.

Bathrooms are cleaned while we are using them. So as bath is filling, sink is sprayed and cleaned, floor sprayed and wiped, loo brushed and cleaned with harpic. Towels folded.

We just keep these two things as ongoing. It makes a big difference if you always have a clean kitchen and clean loos/bathrooms.

We have had our bedroom done from top to bottom, wardrobes, curtains, carpet, decoration and it has taken almost 3 months and we've moved into a spare room. It's all a bit chaotic because ours had to be completely emptied and of course it went into the other rooms. Wardrobes are now filled and it has made me sort out my clothes and have taken two big suitcases to charity shop. Bedroom is not being cluttered with furniture again. Over 200 books have gone to Charity book shop. Linen press sorted and curtains and bedding taken to charity shop. But we still have too much stuff. I have a plan to get rid of a chest of drawers and two large rugs, a large, thick American bedspread and a big left-over rolled piece of new carpet this week. It just feels never ending. You just have to keep going.

You've made a really good start OP.

@TadpolesInPool
My advice: go through the clothes and pick out only what you positively want to keep. NOT what you want to get rid of. Be realistic about what Dc2 will actually wear and use.

Okay - you've convinced me! I was reading your advice thinking there's no way I can get rid of it all and start again. But picking what I want to keep makes sense. I know there are clothes we were gifted that DS1 didn't even wear because I just didn't like them. 😅

@LizardOfOz
I keep coming across things I haven't thrown out but don't use, like a face mask thing that was a present from my sister.

Your post really resonated with me. Most of my possessions are actually gifted. I have loads of really nice skincare and bathroom products from my sister (think SpaceNK), but I keep them for when it's 'worth using them' (whenever that is). I also have loads of older items from Boots/Body Shop, etc. that I have been trying to use up, but never do. I think I have some bathroom products that are nearly 20 years old, and I know that because I remember where I was working when I bought them. 😨 I'm going to think about my keeping criteria for when I get to the bathroom.

@LuluBlakey1
Every night, DH and I spend 10 minutes cleaning the kitchen.
Bathrooms are cleaned while we are using them.

I'm going to propose your plan to DH tomorrow! If I can make a start on the bathrooms during the day, then we can try our new routine on Wednesday night. I'll let you know how it goes!

Your bedroom makeover sounds fantastic! You sound so organised too. We still have the carpet we took up in 2016 in the shed... 😳Just moving the bagged up clothes from our bedroom to the nursery has made our bedroom feel so much more spacious. We really need fitted wardrobes, but are making do for now. I'm starting to look forward to sorting the clothes. I think because I didn't just jump straight into it, I've been mulling over my keeping criteria and realising I'm okay with getting rid of most of it.

I would definitely recommend cleaning the kitchen straight after dinner every night. We do the same as @LuluBlakey1. Table cleared and cleaned, dishwasher loaded, sink, hob and surfaces wiped. We have a robot vac that does the floors for us.

I’d even suggest eating really simple meals for a while whilst you get into the swing of things to make it easier for you to keep on top of.

Day 3
I realise I'm posting a lot. You are all so encouraging and insightful that I am reading and re-reading your posts. Thank you again to everyone for taking the time.

I'm going to start heading my daily summary because I'm also re-reading my own posts, and I think it will help me keep track of what I've done.

Today, I took the toy to the Men's Shed. I felt really good about it! We also returned a cot mattress that doesn't fit the cot and ear defenders for the baby that we don't need because fireworks were cancelled 😢 Although 'hooray!' because we've got roughly £150 refunded. I have been known to forget to return unwanted items in time 🫥 DH took me out for another coffee, but I think they gave me caffeinated because I was wired for the rest of the day. Either that, or I was totally buzzing from my first donation! We still have 3 bags of supermarket recycling in the car - I keep forgetting to take it in.

I 'reset' the living room, dining room, kitchen counter, and finished all the washing up that didn't make it into the dishwasher. I also put it away! @BertHandsomeAteMyBudgie I think that was your suggestion?

I cleared and cleaned another kitchen counter! Now I have a few items that need cleaning and donating/selling. I've got the house to myself tomorrow, so I'm going to look into selling online. I've never done it before!

The hob still needs doing, but I'm going to do toilets and bathroom sinks first tomorrow. God, they are grim 😳 I changed my plan because I'm going to see how I get on using the TOMM checklist on the app (seeing as I have it anyway).

If you've read this far, thank you!xxx

@myhouseandhome
Re the presents: I would hate to feel I had given someone something that was weighing them down and would much prefer them to send the item to charity. You probably feel the same. So give yourself permission to let go of unwanted presents

Re: the bathroom. Use the good products - you're worth it!
Ditch anything that's old. Each product has a symbol on it of ab open tub and a number. That's the months it can be open before it should be binned. Keeping old products you don't use is a waste of space and potentially a health hazard. Ingredients will become less effective over time too. So it's ok to throw old products away and to use the fancy ones

Ooh, and photos!

This is the result of days 1 and 2.

This is today's kitchen counter!

Everything was either binned, put away, or put aside for donating/selling tomorrow. 🥳

Looks really good!

Your progress is inspiring. Can I join you ? Health issues means my house is a shameful tip and energy levels are low. I don't sleep much at night so have decided to just tidy/declutter as and when I can.

Thank you so much! 🥰 Please do join! It's so hard, isn't it? My sister has health issues and a sleep disorder (as well as sharing my upbringing). She's also a single parent with pets, and I know how much it takes for her to do the basics, let alone clean and tidy. My energy levels are all over the place. I am chronically dehydrated, probably anaemic, and breastfeeding a 7mo who feeds every 3-4 hours (or more at night 😭). I'm much less lethargic having started though! I've been struggling to fall asleep since I started on Friday/Saturday. I think I'm excited and the adrenaline is pumping! Would rather be asleep right now. 😅 Let me know if you manage to do anything - however small!x

Looks amazing OP. I'm loving your posts they're so inspiring. Keep it up!

Oh and re the DC clothes. I used to be incredibly organised and buy loads ahead of time in the sales. Feeling smug as I got DCs fave style of trousers in the sale 2, 3 years ahead.

Until they grew and changed shape and suddenly I found myself with perfectly good, unworn clothes that had been stored for years and would never be worn.

The only exception has been underwear and coats. I was going to say PJs but just remembered that even then my DC changed what they liked wearing.

@myhouseandhome thank you. I had got into town today after hospital appointment and got some cleaning stuff, so found this post at the right time. Fed my 18 year old (shift worker) so midnight acceptable teatime and cleared up straight after and managed to clear down, bleach and empty a couple of counter tops and cleaned the sink. Threw out load of cold cleaning products (thanks to advice on here) which lead to sorting the cleaning cupboard. Wiped toaster kettle tea stuff etc. Sorted all the glass recycling, I can't drive due to the medical problem, so will roped in one of my lads mates who drive. Kids do eventually become useful will have to go with them as so far they are still daft.
Have take duplicate cleaning stuff upstairs and will be doing the bathroom when going method. Heart rate going daft so need to stop but excited to carry on.

@myhouseandhome Once you get on top of this (your house) I would bet that your energy levels increase and you feel much better in general.

There is nothing worse than a messy and chaotic house to make you feel overwhelmed and tired. I personally can’t stand it. I de-clutter a drawer or cupboard regularly. And when I do this I feel brilliant. I love seeing things tidy. I haven’t always been like this!! Probably last 10 years or so?

Well done, you will really look back on this and be so glad you made that start!

@nixnjj Oh, wow! It's taken me 3 days to do my bits with the help of DH and you've done all that in the small hours! 👏 I'm eyeing the cleaning products that need decluttering. Will get to them later this week, I think.🤞It is exciting, isn't it?!

In the words of @LouLou198 One step at a time, we can do this !!

Executive dysfunction

@TadpolesInPool

Thankfully, in a weird way, I can't cope with shopping, so I've never fallen foul of the sales. I tried it once when DC1 was a toddler and shopped online during the Next clearance sale, but I bought so much random stuff he looked a state and was missing loads of practical toddler clothing. 😅 I probably spent as much as I do now too.

@RaceToTheMiddle I think you're probably right about energy levels increasing in time, although I'm worried about hitting a wall or burning out, so trying to pace myself.

@Mumeries Does executive dysfunction cause tiredness and overwhelm? DH has been telling me that my executive function is non-existent for a long time. I've alluded to it in an earlier post, but I've been referred by my GP for an autism assessment. I've just found this article, which is interesting:
https://www.leicspart.nhs.uk/autism-space/health-and-lifestyle/autism-and-executive-functioning-skills/

Whooopppp!!!! OP I am so bloody impressed- keep posting

I can't offer any advice because I also struggle with this, but I just wanted to join in to say what you're doing is really impressive. I think some of the recommended podcasts/books can help with understanding why getting rid of stuff can be so difficult, there are a lot of reasons we keep things and I think it's useful to understand some of that.

Good luck today!

Well done OP!
You are amazing.
Keep going and keep posting!