7 yr old wants to go to school... Reassurance please!

[Psychomumma]

Apart from a term at nursery (which she can't remember), my eldest daughter, like her three younger siblings, has never been to school. However, she has friends, cousins, etc who do, whom she sees regularly, who talk to her about school - naturally! I have no problem with that. However, every now and then she brings up the idea of school, we talk about it a bit, I explain some of the reasons (that she is able to comprehend, at 7) why I don't want her to go ... and it ends with her saying that she would like to go to school .

Now, I do not believe at all that my 7 yr old is better qualified than me to judge whether school is the best place for her to be at this point in her life. I am 95% certain that HE is far better for my children. However, it still hurts that she doesn't want to be HE'd (despite having no idea what the alternative is like).

Has anyone had similar experiences? How did you feel about/deal with it? Did your dc change their minds eventually? (NB: I'm asking for advice from other HE'ers... having had plenty of advice from non-HE'ers to send my kids to school on previous occasions, ta v much...)

I don't think you should feel hurt that she would like to try school - I don't think it's any reflection on how she feels about being HE, but at this age it's normal for her to want to do the same things that she sees other girls her age do - whether that's going to school, or having a fringe!

School probably also sounds interesting, because it's something she hasn't experienced - her friends and cousins probably make it sound interesting, as they'll be telling her about the fun bits, not the dull parts.

I guess how I'd handle it would depend on how much I felt school was totally wrong for her - if you really think it would be a bad thing for her, then it's up to you as parent to decide, and say quite clearly "We don't do school".

But, if it's less definite than that, then maybe you could let her go, and see what she thinks of it for half a term or so? I don't think 7 is old enough to make all your own decisions, but I do think children should be involved as much as possible in decisions about these things. Maybe she'd enjoy school and thrive in that environment?

Ok I know youd like advice from HErs only but i was a HEr when my 7 yr old decided he wanted to return to school. He had been HE for a year after bad experiences at school.

For me i was happy for him to return because i didnt feel HE was working great for us - he had no local friends and was stuggling at home all day so i was probably a bit more enthusiastic about it!

But he did return and settled in really well - he does occasionally say he would like to be HE again - but i truely believe he is doing better at school and he is happy there.

How about allow her a taster at school because i think most of us will always be curious about the other "choices" in life - we'd all like to do things differently - she may settle in and love it - she may decide that she definately prefers HE - but i think at 7 she is old enough to have a say in such a major decision (i did say a say not a casting vote!)

There's a little girl in my dss class (y2) and she was Home Ed until very recently, she really enjoys school and settled in very very well.
I don't think you should feel hurt, it's important and not surprising that your child wants to fit in with others.
Perhaps you could do a little more with other Home Eders, if you know any, in Bristol there is a huge network that meet very frequently.]
If it's friendships she's after could you not up the number of times other children come to play?
Perhaps just trying school would be good for both though? Perhaps you have done a good enough job that you have equipped your DD to deal with the negative aspects of school in a way that you would be proud.
Tough one Mum. My dcs go to school and I'm sure that if they decided they wanted to be HE I would not say yes...so I'm not saying your dd knows best. I guess alternative choosing mainstream may be a little different.

Sorry very rambled, but you could find out what she wants from school that you cannot provide or overcome, you never know if she started Brownies or something she may change her mind.

You may not like the idea, but it's odd not to go to school. Your daughter realises this.

What are the reasons why you don't want her to go?

Do you intend to HE forever?

Thanks for your replies. I have thought about a trial period of eg a month at school, to let her get a better idea of what it is she's saying she wants, but I have a few serious issues with this:
a) if I have the 'casting vote', and am unlikely to change my mind about school, isn't it more unfair to give her a taste of something which she may like, but about which I will not sway? There's not much point saying you'll take their feelings into consideration if, ultimately, you as parent make the final call.
b) unfortunately, you can't just roll up to your preferred school and expect them to open their doors for a trial;if you could, I would definitely consider a trial. However, the only local one I'd consider almost certainly has waiting lists for every year group, is Catholic, and would involve 2 sets of detailed application forms and jumping through hoops - a lot of hassle for the small chance they'd have a place available.
c) Taking one of my four children to school and back, twice a day, 5 days a week, would have a massive impact on the family life of myself and my other children. Again, a lot of hassle, and for what?

We do go to home-ed groups, and as of this September, have started to go to two, in particular, regularly, which are populated by the same group of kids, more or less. It is a priority for me to enable her to meet and make friends with other HE kids. She has many (young and fun!) aunts and uncles, and grandparents, whom she sees regularly, as well as friends from church whom she sees every week.

My gut feeling is that it's really about wanting to be the same as her (at the moment) closest friends, who do go to school. Very normal, I guess, and I will try not to take it personally... I know it is normal to want to fit in, and more difficult to be different from the crowd; however, I don't believe peer pressure/mob rule is ever a good reason to do or not do something.

Hopefully, as she develops closer friendships with other HE children, she will feel part of a group with a distinct identity, and not such an odd one out.

"c) Taking one of my four children to school and back, twice a day, 5 days a week, would have a massive impact on the family life of myself and my other children. Again, a lot of hassle, and for what?"

For the benefit of a child who wants to do something which, lets face it, is not unusual.

Maybe she wants to experience the diversity, the independence, the friendship and social groups that are unique to a school environment. It is not the same as having young aunts and uncles, or friends from church once a week. I respect the choice of those who opt for HE, but ultimately, it is not one size fits all, just as school isn't, so if your DD is serious about it, you need to find out and not just put it down to wanting to fit in, which sounds a little like you are trivialising it somewhat in order to keep her in a situation that suits you better.

I'm afraid I agree with swedes. I really think that if you DD wants to go to school, which, really is very normal, then it is quite cruel for you to keep her at home. You are in real danger that she will end up resenting you in the future for this

You haven't really told us the reasons why you don't want her to go.

You can't let her go to school for a trial period of a month. That's ridiculous. And vvery cruel.

If you are really certain you are doing the right thing by HE (and I'm not saying you aren't) then be the adult and tell her no. It's ineffectual to say "No" and not mean it.

If you have definitely decided that you would not send her to school, then don't send her for a trial period - that would be totally unfair. I think it is much fairer not to pretend to give children a choice, if you're going to turn round and say "Well, you're not getting it anyway" when they pick the wrong answer, however kindly and nicely you express it.

But if that's your decision, then I don't think you can be surprised when she continues to bring up school and says she would like to go. And, honestly, unless you squash any independence out of her (which I'm sure is not your intention) then her desire to do things which are separate from you/family, and more influenced by friends, is going to get stronger as she gets older. That's what children are like - we gradually lose our influence over them, and have to accept them making choices we disagree with.

That doesn't mean you have to let her have her own way at 7, but I don't think you will make the issue go away until she's had a chance to try school and decide for herself whether she prefers it. And, I think by going along with it, with every appearance of neutrality, you stand a much higher chance of her independently deciding she prefers HE. If she tries it as a matter of "defiance" to you, she might well be stubborn enough to stick to it even if she doesn't prefer it, as a way of expressing her independence.

Oh, and of course either way there is the risk that she actually will prefer school! Some children actually enjoy it, you know?

Daft question, but could you arrange for her to go into school just for a day as a visit - perhaps to the school that her friends attend?

I can imagine that my dd's school, for example, would welcome a day visit from a HE child to talk about what they do - in the same way that they welcome visits from visiting children (and adults) from other countries etc.

That would give your dd a chance to see what school is like and satisfy her curiosity - and I suspect that she would have plenty of children envying her freedom, and might then appreciate it more.

FWIW I know one HE'd child (now adult) who decided that she'd like to try school - she went for one day and then wrote a very nice letter to the head teacher explaining that she didn't think it was for her . . .

'I'm afraid I agree with swedes. I really think that if you DD wants to go to school, which, really is very normal, then it is quite cruel for you to keep her at home. You are in real danger that she will end up resenting you in the future for this'

I absolutely agree. I couldn't wait to start school at 5yrs. It would have been unbearable to have been stuck at home, with younger siblings, listening to cousins etc telling me all the things they were doing at school. By 7yrs I would have been very resentful if my wishes were being ignored. Some of my happiest childhood memories are my lovely primary school.

Takver has good advice with the day visit-however be prepared for the fact that she may think it is for her.

if your child has expressed on several occasions that she wants to go to school, I am a bit why you would not let her go, HE might not be the right education option for her regardless of your wishes and beliefs. As others have said she may end up resenting you in the future for forcing HE on her.

As for the comment "Taking one of my four children to school and back, twice a day, 5 days a week, would have a massive impact on the family life of myself and my other children. Again, a lot of hassle" - surely this cannot be a valid reason for denying your child a school education?

I don't think that hassle for you should come into it. Your DD comes first-you can easily work around it! Not every DC in a family will have the same needs or will need to be treated in the same way-they are individuals.

Your DD isn't responsible for you being hurt-you are the adult and can deal with it. I really think that you should leave your feelings out of it.
If you can't find a school for her to visit for a whole day (I would expect that you could) you could at least try viewing a few. I wouldn't ignore her completely. At 7yrs I certainly knew my own mind-I have always gone with my 'gut feelings' and they have never failed me.

What exactly is your objection to school? Why are you so adamantly opposed to it?

I agree with Swedes, Ministryofsleep and others. It seems rather doctrinaire and controlling to refuse to contemplate one of your children attending school if that is what she desires. Amuminscotland is right, I think, about some of the pitfalls that might lie ahead.

"Taking one of my four children to school and back, twice a day, 5 days a week, would have a massive impact on the family life of myself and my other children. Again, a lot of hassle, and for what?"

I'm going to go against what a lot of people are saying on here. If this is how you feel, don't do it. Don't even consider it. I've had one at home and one at school, and even though now I have both at home I teach before and after school most days - and there is no doubt, fitting in with school hours screws up your HE life. Most home educators aren't tied to school times, so I find people meet at, say 1pm, through until 4.30pm - which means we can't go. What's the point of putting her in school and tieing yourself to the school run if everyone else in the family has to sacrifice their lives for it? You're sacrificing three for one, more if you count yourself, and that makes no sense.

She's curious because her friends will be telling her all the good bits. You know that there's loads of stuff your children are getting that none of those children are. I'd get a bit devious and start selling the home ed. Every time you go out somewhere in school hours, I'd say "of course, x can't do this because they're in school". The trouble is, at the moment she's probably only getting the positives of school and not the negatives. Get her to think of all the things she does in the day that she couldn't do if she was in school, and all the things she does in the evenings that she couldn't do if she was doing homework (and yes, there is homework in primary school nowadays).

At 7, I'd be saying "this is my decision and I know what is best for you". I would then tell her that at 10, you will take her to look at secondary schools for 11 if she is still interested. By then she will be old enough to fully understand all the pros and cons, and, importantly for you, by secondary she will be old enough to take herself there and not impact upon the rest of the family.

That way you are not saying "no" outright, you are saying, "we will discuss this again in the future, but not yet."

I have to say that I don't really agree with the other posters.
There are lots of things that my 7 y/o dd would like to do that I decide are not going to happen. This may be because DH & I believe that they're not good for her - or because they are not good for us as a family.

I can see that if you have a HE'd family, then one child being in school would take away a lot of opportunities for the family as a whole by constraining all the other children to a school timetable. So for example, going on trips, learning activities, etc would all have to work around that 9 - 3.30 time scale and school terms.

Also - plenty of parents 'force' their children to continue at school; they don't de-register them even if they say regularly that they don't like school and they don't want to go. By the same logic, it would be fair to say that all parents should take these wishes into account and let these children try HE.

(FWIW my dd is in school, but in the past has had the option of being HE'd which she turned down. Don't know what I'd do now if she really didn't get on with school as our circs have changed.)

Sorry, X-post with musicposy who is much more eloquent

I'm not sure that the words "keeping to school hours screws up your life" are more eloquent - I think you put it very well indeed

Sometimes as an adult we do things that we think are in our childen's best interests, but they aren't very happy about them. I think you have o be very clear where there are options, and where there are not.

We moved countries and my ds would love to go back to his old school and his old life. Now if we had known how difficult he was going to find the move then we probably would not have done it, but now we have we know that there really isn't an option of going back to our old life (apart from anything else it will have changed). I am always talking through with ds why we made the decisions we did, and why we can't just go home, and the challenges we'd have if we did go home. It doesn't stop him feeling sad about it, but he understands that we get to make the decisions and the reasons why. He is 10, so a little more able to take in complex arguments, I guess.

If you are adamant hat school is not an option then you just have to find ways to explain that that your dd will understand. One of those has to be we are your parents and this is what we think is best. However I think that even quite small children can be told complex things - maybe some of the reasons you've not said are OK to bring up? Ultimately you have to accept that your dd may always feel that she is losing out by not going to school. So long as you can justify to yourself why you HE, her complaints/sadness are passing and she is generally thriving then that's probably all that matters.

I don't think that one DC should be sacrificed for the family good. The eldest (I speak as an eldest) is in the worst position because they are stuck with younger siblings all the time-they would appreciate them far more with a break. I would have resented my mother if she said that I had had to miss school so that both my brothers could go on outings without being bound by school hours-she could have let me go to a friend's house for tea or after school club-there are ways around it. Your DD is not necessarily going to take after you-or think the same.

I had to move schools when I was 6 yrs-it wasn't in my best interests but I understood-my father had a new job 200 miles away and there was no alternative. I wouldn't have understood my mother saying I couldn't go because she would be hurt, would have hassle and didn't like schools!

Psychomumma - I thought you couldn't have made it much clearer that you were after advice from other HE'ers, who would have some understanding of the situation, rather than people who think it's 'school v keeping your child locked up at home all day'. You might want to try posting on one of the yahoo or google home ed groups, as you will prob get more people who have direct experience of this.