7 yr old wants to go to school... Reassurance please!

[Psychomumma]

Apart from a term at nursery (which she can't remember), my eldest daughter, like her three younger siblings, has never been to school. However, she has friends, cousins, etc who do, whom she sees regularly, who talk to her about school - naturally! I have no problem with that. However, every now and then she brings up the idea of school, we talk about it a bit, I explain some of the reasons (that she is able to comprehend, at 7) why I don't want her to go ... and it ends with her saying that she would like to go to school .

Now, I do not believe at all that my 7 yr old is better qualified than me to judge whether school is the best place for her to be at this point in her life. I am 95% certain that HE is far better for my children. However, it still hurts that she doesn't want to be HE'd (despite having no idea what the alternative is like).

Has anyone had similar experiences? How did you feel about/deal with it? Did your dc change their minds eventually? (NB: I'm asking for advice from other HE'ers... having had plenty of advice from non-HE'ers to send my kids to school on previous occasions, ta v much...)

I know this is inappropriate but I have to say it..

You remind me of King Bowser off the Super Mario brothers, his whole raison d'etre was to prevent his children going to school. And the harder he tried, the more often they would be found in a classroom at the end of the show.

Seriously, You have to have the courage of your convictions.If you don't want her to go, tell her "No. And this is why .."

But she won't drop the idea. She's doing something about as statistically unusual at her age as dressing as the opposite sex. SOme children like to do this, but to expect the ones given no choice about it to tolerate it happily is not realistic.

The reason I offered advice, when not an HEer is that she is asking the impossible.

HEers can't offer reassurance, all they can do is say that they feel the same and stick on in there; she knows best as the adult. All DCs are different and within a family of 4 you may get three that thrive on it-it doesn't mean that the fourth one will.
We do not know DD1.

All I can say is that you are taking a gamble, unfortunately you do not have a crystal ball to look into the future. You may have a DD who looks back as an adult and thanks you from the bottom of her heart, you may have one like me and it would get in the way of an adult relationship because I would consider that you 'stole' years that I can't get back -and you may have the whole range in between the 2 extremes. Hindsight would be a lovely thing, but a luxury you don't have.

As the eldest of 4 (I speak as the eldest DC) a lot of your energy will go towards the youngest-it will have to because they are still at the physical 'hand on' stage. She may like part of the day which is 'hers' where her needs are put first and no one is thinking of having to do something with a 2 yr old or doing the shopping etc.

She may be very academic and want the stimulus of challenging teaching.

She may be no good at working on her own and may want others doing the same work to motivate and to bounce ideas off.

She may be very sociable and independent and want to choose her own friends (not ones that her mother knows and gives her contact with) and see them every day.

I get on well with both my brothers and we go on holiday together with our families and that sort of thing. We did lots together as a family (the school day is short)-I am not sure that we would have such a happy relationship if we had been together for the most part of every day. At 8yrs I was bathing my youngest brother and reading his bedtime story-I loved doing it because I had already had my own time.

At 8yrs you can keep on telling her your reasons and hope she will drop it, but if she is still voicing the school opinion in a year, or 2 years, I think you would be wise to heed it.

I know a case where the mother never would budge from her ideals and her DD was forced to leave home at 16yrs to get an education. She is now a university lecturer and is very scathing of her mother's ideas on education.

Our DCs are not bound to have our beliefs and ideas-they have their own. The don't come into the world to make us happy. They shouldn't feel they have to fit in with us so that we don't get hurt. We are adults-we deal with hurt and should listen to our children. Of course we should guide but we should take into account DCs feelings. There are lots of things that I would like my DCs to be and do but I respect their choices.

I agree with pisces

Personally I think that only wanting advice from people who are bound to agree with you is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. But each to their own

"I really think that if you DD wants to go to school, which, really is very normal, then it is quite cruel for you to keep her at home. You are in real danger that she will end up resenting you in the future for this"

Are you seriously saying this thinking it is an acceptable thing to say?

Do you know how many times i have to stop myself saying exactly the same thing to posters on MN who are saying how their children don't want to go to school? How come it's ok to say HEors are cruel if they don't let their children go to school, but not to say schooling parents are cruel for forcing their children to be in school? FFS

OP - I don't know what to suggest except please post on some HE email lists to avoid some of the ignorant, defensive crap you're getting on here.

flamingo - like you, I am entitled to my opinion. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it unacceptable. The OP has asked a question on a public forum and she is free to only listen to those views which conform to her own if that's how she wishes to proceed

However, the point that several of us are making, is that her DD may not indeed thank her for his course of action in the long run. If the OP doesn't want to hear this, then she doesn't have to listen

Flamingo - For me, the issue is whether we as parents should insist on doing things our way when our children want to do something different. Actually, if children are adamant that they don't want to go to school and there are substantial reasons for thinking that HE would be more in their interests (rather than, say, moving to another school), then I think that parents should consider de-registering them. Why do you feel you can't say that?

I gave my advice from the point of view of someone who has done HE. I'm not saying it's wrong to HE, and I'm not saying it's wrong for a parent to make a decision on behalf of a 7yo.

But I don't think any parent, whether or not they HE, can reassure Psychomumma that all will be well if she just sticks to her guns.

Like it or not, most children in this country go to school. And most 7yo (and older) want to do the same things that their friends do, and that they see as the norm when they look around them. Therefore, it is normal for her dd to want to try school.

As pisces says, you don't get a crystal ball when you have a child, and you can't predict whether they are going to look back and be happy with the decisions you made for them or not. But, overall, I'd say there is a higher probability of them being happy with decisions where they felt their views were listened to, and where they felt they were given a genuine choice - that goes for HE, or changing schools, or anything else.

I think a child who wants to be in school is likely to thrive there and get a lot out of it.

It's natural to want to go to school and have some independence at this age.
Could you enquire whether there are some schools in the area that offer flexible hours so you could start off half and half?
I know some He'ers who found this the best balance to begin with

Sorry - I'm speaking as one who school-educates. However......

You're the parent. She's the child. She is too young to make a balanced, well-informed choice - about anything really. That's your job.

Just say no! Maybe when she's coming up to secondary school age you can start to allow her a say, but not just yet.

Funny isn't it - little Johnny says 'I want to go to school not be HE'd' and all the school parents say 'Oh you're being so cruel let them go to school in case they resent you for years to come'. But these same parents are presumably the ones who also say 'No' to their little Billy when he says 'I want to go to the school over the road the same as all the other kids do' - and send him to one further away because it's better.

Presumably if little Billy also said 'I want to go to bed at 10.00 all the other kids do' you'd also say no?

It's quite simple really folks - YOU ARE THE PARENTS, THAT MEANS YOU DECIDE WHAT'S BEST FOR YOUR OFFSPRING NOT THEM!

titchy - being the parent means you get to make the choices, yes. As to them always being the right choices - not necessarily. Of course I'm not saying that children should therefore dictate what happens in their lives. But, if a child wants to go to school and the parent repeatedly says no, then there is a risk that the child will grow up resenting that decision. The comparisons you have drawn are silly. Will a child grow up resenting the parent for not letting him or her go to bed at 10pm at 7 years old - of course not. But not going to school at all as a child may well be something the child will deeply regret and blame the parent for

Parents have all sorts of choices they can exercise. For example, the mother of my DSS's has chosen to severly restrict their ability to spend time with their father because she doesn't like him. This causes the children (and their father!) a great deal of anguish. Yes, she can indeed make that decision as their parent, but that does not make it right, and does not mean that they will resent her forever for it

'won't resent her for it'

In answer to the OP.. can only offer my thoughts from my own experiences with DS1.

He did go to school to start with.. but due to lots of different issues I took him out and home educated him.

DS2 was in school at the time and obviously had to juggle home ed and a school run ( and a baby). it did take a bit of change to the routine.. but it did work out fine.

When we were approaching thinking about secondary education level/age.. DS1 wanted to go to the local comprehansive.. So we put him into school at the end of year 5.

This allowed him time to see if he liked it before the new school year started, also to form bonds with peers during his year 6 ready to move up to the local comprehansive with them all.

All worked out great.. before the move back into school, we followed what the school was teaching so that he covered what is future peers had covered. And we set his home teaching times to follow the average school day. Just to make the transition easier for him.

He now loves school ( year 10 now lol).. the home ed and 1-1 time had given him a really solid basic education, he was able to learn very independantly and could really enjoy the social side of school.

so having said all that.. I would say if she wants to go to school.. maybe set a date (ish) for the end of year 5.. thus giving you the time to make sure she is up with what the school is teaching, time to sort out how your going to go about a new routine ( with some school ed'd and some home ed'd), also it will allow you the time to get her into the school of your choice (hopefully).. it will also give her a few weeks before the summer holidays to have a trial run.

hope that was of some use to you.

If you are not going to let your child go to school then don't let her go for a trial.

But you should consider at what age you think she will be old enough to make the decision for herself.

Or will you insist on HEing until age 18 whether she likes it or not?

Monday - I agree to a point! Denying an older child a say in such a massive decision may well bring about resentment of one kind or another - that's why I'd suggest allowing an input into the decision once the child is old enough for that input to be balanced and well-informed.

And I don't think my examples are silly (well maybe the bed-time one was a bit flippant ) - but a parent choosing one school over another (e.g. the local sink school where all the local kids go vs. the better one a few miles away, or the pushy grammar/private vs the local comp) is just as likely to bring about resentment than a parent choosing HE over school.

None of us can guarantee the effect of a certain decision. We just have to hope that the decisions we make are the right ones for our children, and hope that as they grow older they can understand the reasning behind those decisions, adn that we genuinely thought whatever it was that we did was in the best interests of our children at the time.

Reasonable for you to make the decision

Really unhelpful for you to be taking it personally and feeling hurt that she wants to go to school

She is not responsible for your feelings

What is it about school that worries you?
If none of your children have been to school, what exerience of school do you have? Are your negative feelings realistic, or are they based on your own (now out dated) impression of school?

Agree with Lillyfire Psychomumma. Go on one of the HE group websites. Some of the posters here are taking the

Psycho - My now 9yo said she wanted to go to school at around 7yo. I didn't believe that it was in her best interests to do so at that time. I did listen to her. I really considered it and decided against it. I thought the only reason she wanted to go was because she thought she could play all day with one of her friends. I wasn't far off. At one point it seemed her friend would be leaving that particular school and my dd then lost all interest in going. She isn't interested in going at all at the moment.

However, another dd expressed a wish to start at secondary school(y7) and so went in September. She settled in quickly and so far, is enjoying it.

I'd agree with the posters who have said for you to consider why you home-ed and if you really believe it's right for your dd and your family then just say no but you'll reconsider in 6m/12m. Then see if she still feels the same way.

In response to:

"By mondaymonday Thu 12-Nov-09 10:18:23
flamingo - like you, I am entitled to my opinion. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it unacceptable. The OP has asked a question on a public forum and she is free to only listen to those views which conform to her own if that's how she wishes to proceed

However, the point that several of us are making, is that her DD may not indeed thank her for his course of action in the long run. If the OP doesn't want to hear this, then she doesn't have to listen"

and

"By MadBadandDangerousToKnow Thu 12-Nov-09 10:28:33
Flamingo - For me, the issue is whether we as parents should insist on doing things our way when our children want to do something different. Actually, if children are adamant that they don't want to go to school and there are substantial reasons for thinking that HE would be more in their interests (rather than, say, moving to another school), then I think that parents should consider de-registering them. Why do you feel you can't say that?"

Do you really think that the majority of parents whose children are really disliking school would consider HE? I think you're very wrong. And what I was objecting to was the suggestion that, by not letting her go to school, the OP would be being cruel. I wouldn't ever say to someone who insisted on sending their child to school despite bullying, boredome etc. that they were being cruel in not home educating.

but flamingo if a child at school hated it, it is extremely unlikely that as an adult they would turn around to you as a parent and say that they deeply resented you for your decision not to let them leave school and HE

I expected to come back to this thread and be absolutely flamed-so it was a nice surprise to find that I haven't been!

'But I don't think any parent, whether or not they HE, can reassure Psychomumma that all will be well if she just sticks to her guns'

This is my only point. Psychomumma wants people to agree that she is right to insist on HE for a DD, who listens to her reasoning, and still wants to try school- and that her DD will thank her in the end. No one can do this, whatever their personal thoughts on school and HE. Even if we knew the DD it wouldn't be easy.
A lot of it will depend on the relationship between OP and her DD and I expect that Psychomumma is too emotionally involved to take an objective look.

I can follow the argument that says that a 7 yr old is too young to make that sort of decision, but I really think that it will cause problems in later years if you continue to ignore her over the coming months.
I think that the best thing to do is set a time limit-e.g. next September-(a good month for a fresh start)and say that if she is still in the same mind then she can have a trial for a term. You will have to acknowledge that it is about DD and her feeling and accept that she may love it and want to continue. If she prefers HE then you have peace of mind that she tasted the alternative.

For those that say that a DC wants to be HEed should be given a free choice are missing the point -that it isn't so simple. First of all not all parents can afford it in time or money-both parents work long hours outside the home.
Secondly not all parents want to do it-it sends some around the bend just being at home in the first few years-they don't want 18yrs at home-they would hate it.
A lot of parents are not interested in child development and education (in the broadest possible sense)and they want career fulfillment for themselves e.g. I can't think that a man/woman who is involved in the cut and thrust of business or spends their day as a GP or 101 other things suddenly wants to give it all up just because they had a DC.

I would have done it if they had been totally miserable and I had tried all other options. I'm afraid that I couldn't have done it as an option if they were OK at school but just said that would prefer to be at home. I would find it boring and I couldn't operate without time on my own in an empty house with absolute silence-selfish by honest.

It is a little different the other way around because the school is set up and already operating. The parent can get heavily involved, or they can merely drop off at 9am and pick up at 3.15ish at no cost to themselves-other than having to accept that the DC doesn't want to fit in with their ideals.

sorry selfish but honest.

"The parent can get heavily involved, or they can merely drop off at 9am and pick up at 3.15ish at no cost to themselves-"

OP has said that it would be at a cost to herself and the other children
"c) Taking one of my four children to school and back, twice a day, 5 days a week, would have a massive impact on the family life of myself and my other children. Again, a lot of hassle, and for what? "