Should we cancel our Spain holiday because MIL is end of life?

[Woodylol]

We have a holiday in Spain booked next week. Mother in Law who has had complex medical needs for years is now on end of life care. It’s very likely she’ll die before we fly and if not will be when we are there. We are divided as to whether we should go (DP’s father will need alot of support). We have annual travel insurance that covers death of close relative. I’m not sure how it works if they haven’t died but it’s imminent. DP says we should go, theres nothing we can do. I feel like we will go and then regret it. Just wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation? If we don’t go, is it likely that the insurance will cover if MIL has died or on end of life care for an illness that existed prior to the booking/travel insurance (although it is something people live for years from). Feel guilty asking about the money side, but it is a significant amount for us to lose. The holiday is also for our DS who will be devasted about MIL and is also old enough to understand why we’d need to cancel. Then when I think cancelling would be the best option I wonder if going is the break we need before coming back to making arrangements.

We cancelled a holiday in similar circumstances. We got a letter from the consultant and were able to claim on our insurance. As it was, FIL did pass on what would have been our second day.

You’ve missed the point. The point is unless your religion is prescriptive then there is no rush - funeral directors are set up to deal with these things.

Agree. It’s the partner’s choice, it’s his mother.

@Goinggonegone yes unless mil has someone else to care for her. Depending where she is and who else is with her and if course assuming she's loved and liked ! Id not leave anyone like this alone !

@Spacedsunshine1 It’s a really well documented happening that people more often than not wait till they are alone to die. My mother did, she was at our house and it was obvious the end was very close. I’d sat by her bed constantly for about two days, the phone rang (back in the days when it was a landline in the hall!) I dismissed the caller as quickly as I could and when I came back she’d gone. It’s what happens very often so don’t let it play on your mind.

I think I’d stay OP, but maybe your DH doesn’t want to be there. I can imagine my DH wanting to put distance between him and his somewhat dramatic, argumentative siblings in this situation!
Is moving the holiday to later in the year an option that’d be more palatable to the insurance company?

I did not know this and it has given me great comfort. Thank you so much.
I'm so sorry for your loss of your mum

I'd call the travel company and pay the fee to move the holiday into the future maybe end of summer if she's close to the end.

If Fil will need support I wouldn’t go. Could you change the date to later in the year or even next year? It will affect all of you in different ways. Dh will be pressuring himself to get back if he has a need to be there at the last minute.

You could maybe sell your holiday to someone if you see what the change of names would be?

You could see if they will change the date with the company you booked with?

My thoughts exactly

We went on a pre-booked holiday to Ireland when my sister was on the transplant list. First thing I did was go to the local airport, and spoke to staff (one airline only - v. small airport) who told me they would get me on to a flight somehow if she got the call. As the holiday cottage was in the middle of nowhere, reception was poor, so I would travel out to get 2 bars on my phone first thing in the morning, and early evening.

It wasn’t a great holiday, tbh, but our children still enjoyed it. If your DH will be able to get home, I think it’s fine to go. But it’s equally fine not to go.

A lot of assumptions being made here.

Most companies will treat a date change at this late stage as a cancellation so OP and family would lose full cost of holiday.

Yes, cancel. Your FIL will need support and you don't mention siblings, plus how would you feel being away at that point?

I disagree with those who say there is not much to do immediately when someone dies - there is a lot. Talking to the medical examiner, registering the death (we had to do this in person), talking to the funeral director (also in person, I had to travel to do this) and the celebrant (over the phone), choosing details like music and readings for the ceremony, informing friends and relatives, booking a wake, contacting banks etc. to cancel accounts and pensions... Some of this can wait but some can't.

Insurance may not pay. We booked a UK holiday 3 months in advance, when my mother was end of life (she had been end of life for some months). We tried to get cancellation insurance, but it only seemed to be possible if a doctor would sign to say she was unlikely to die that week.

I don’t think I would go, not exactly the holiday spirit to go off on and then the feelings if something happens while you are away.

It depends I think each case is different.

Are there any other family members who can support your fil?

We went away whilst my FIL aged 97 was in hospital with terminal heart failure. There was no other family. We thought he was actually going to live longer than he did as he died the day after we got back.

My dad is nearly 94. Physically quite well but at 94 anything can happen.

We went to Africa last year. We would not have come home early as there's nothing to do.
When my mum was dying it was quite sudden and traumatic so we cancelled our holiday (Airbnb in UK with no cancellation fee) and booked one nearby. She actually died before we went and the funeral was halfway through so we were able to come back for it.

If my brother had a holiday booked I'd support him and take over arrangements if he were away.

My dad's mum and her sisters were all in the same nursing home with dementia. Dad used to leave instructions with the home and the undertaker what to do if one of them died when he was away. They lasted several years and I wouldn't expect anyone to put life on hold.

But it depends on your view and who is left behind and the circumstances of the illness. There's no right or wrong answer. I enjoyed my holiday after my mum died because I was exhausted, I had my husband with me and I was away from work. Didn't mean I didn't miss her.

I think it is very cold to go away when a parent is put on EOL. Who will be there to give FiL a break from the bedside, also what about those precious bright moments at the end? Also consider any siblings too, has DH got a sister who has been doing most of the legwork in regards to care? (A very well known fact that in most cases it is the daughter who puts themselves out to care for a parent)
I have to admit I developed resentment towards my siblings when things got difficult and time consuming with my parents. I understand people cope differently but I felt decidedly let down when my siblings put themselves/their lives first and because I lived closer I was left with little choice. If one of them had gone on holiday when they were dying I would have lost all respect for them altogether.

Pretty sad that your DH is prioritising a holiday over his own mothers possible death

Really? She's at end of life and it's imminent but your advice is to go say goodbye now and go on vacation...

It's not about funerals being slow or fast it's about trying to be there given how imminent it is and also supporting her husband but I guess you just gotta get that sun.

I'm surprised by OPs DHs reaction, I'm assuming he is suppressing his feelings and doesn't want to address it or there's backstory were he doesn't really care for his mother.

I wouldn't go. I was in Majorca with an ex when his granddad (unexpectedly) died and it was really surreal and awful trying to make emergency plans to come home. The one redeeming feature was our last night there we went to dinner and a little black poodle kept coming across to say hello... and the third time he did I noticed his collar and his name tag - Walter - the name of my ex's granddad.

Yes it's his mother, but that doesn't mean she doesn't get a say because whatever backlash will also fall on her, also I'm sure she will not enjoy the vacation unless she is heartless or can't stand MIL. What if she also has a good relationship with MIL, are you saying none of that matters and she must do what DH says?

I wouldn't be surprised if DH is one of those men who suppress their emotions and distract themselves from dealing with things, it's OPs responsibility to speak up and let him know that it's wrong to prioritize a vacation now not pack her bags and do whatever he says like a dear good wife.

Yes she may be his mother but she is also OPs MIL and they are family. I can't stand this black and white narrative on mumsnet acting like life is so compartmentalized and black and white that only DH makes decisions about this and only Wife makes decisions about this, many of these decisions affect the whole family not just one person.

It's both their decisions. So you're saying OP .just do what FH says and go on vacation when she isn't happy and wouldn't enjoy it because her MIL is dying????

I didn't realize marriage was a dictatorship. Yes she is his mother but she is also OPs MIL and their sons grandmother for crying out loud.

It's obvious that OP and her son are saddened by the situation and will not enjoy a vacation so DH can go on his own if he insists.

Life is not so black and white that only DH decides this and only wife decides that, these decisions affect the whole family and should be discussed and they agree what's best. That's how marriage and partnership works.

I have no regrets about a similar decision. Cancel. There will be other holidays.

My dad passed away while my older brother was in Florida - we delayed the funeral til he was back 2 weeks later. The funeral director didn't even blink at the request.

Honestly floored that your DP wants to go on holiday while his mother is dying.