Should we cancel our Spain holiday because MIL is end of life?

[Woodylol]

We have a holiday in Spain booked next week. Mother in Law who has had complex medical needs for years is now on end of life care. It’s very likely she’ll die before we fly and if not will be when we are there. We are divided as to whether we should go (DP’s father will need alot of support). We have annual travel insurance that covers death of close relative. I’m not sure how it works if they haven’t died but it’s imminent. DP says we should go, theres nothing we can do. I feel like we will go and then regret it. Just wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation? If we don’t go, is it likely that the insurance will cover if MIL has died or on end of life care for an illness that existed prior to the booking/travel insurance (although it is something people live for years from). Feel guilty asking about the money side, but it is a significant amount for us to lose. The holiday is also for our DS who will be devasted about MIL and is also old enough to understand why we’d need to cancel. Then when I think cancelling would be the best option I wonder if going is the break we need before coming back to making arrangements.

This is an awful thing to say! Please remove. It is so disrespectful and unhelpful to the OP at this time.

I wouldn’t go on holiday if my Mum was about to die

cancel

Is MIL the type who would say (and mean it) "Go on your holiday and have a good time, I'd feel bad if you cancelled it because of me" or would she not be bothered if you didn't go - if she is aware of these things at all? Whether she is or not, I would either cancel or try to rearrange the dates.

The way I see it is that her passing is imminent, you won't enjoy the holiday as you'll be wondering how she is. If it could be weeks still, you're likely looking at going in the aftermath when FIL will need support.

You'll need to read the policy wording to see exactly what you are covered for, as conditions vary.

You’d need to look at your policy and see if this would be covered, but I imagine that it might not be as it was prexisting.

I think I’d go, especially as your DH wants to. He can always stay home or fly back himself if he feels that’s necessary, and then you and your DC still get the holiday and the money isn’t wasted

”DP says we should go, theres nothing we can do.”

No doubt placating her. It shouldn’t even be a question. You cancel. Sod the money.

We had this last year with my grandmother. Tbh it depends on the circumstances - she was 99 and been suffering badly from dementia for years, before the final stroke and then a 3 week wait before the actual end came. My dad and uncle spoke: the whole family had been to say goodbye, my dad had been visiting daily for weeks and the last week she had been unconscious, so my uncle was keen for my dad to join us on holiday and he would take over the final watch, if she held on past our departure date. Sure enough, the morning after we arrived, the news came that she had passed in the night. For us, it was a relief she had let go and was at peace. For my dad, being around his family was a distraction he needed after the gruelling last phase. Be led by your DH and his family, it is their loss and they need to deal with it in the best way for them. My condolences to you all.

Definitely stay. 100%.

Can you explain the situation to whoever you booked the holiday with and move the dates to a time after MIL will have passed and the immediate admin and funeral will be over?

I’d go, especially if that’s what your DP wants

I would try and ring insurance and then get vouchers to be able to move the holiday. You’ll need it in a few months time. Sometimes insurers can be more accommodating than you think.

But it isn't just about the person dying, it's about supporting those left behind. It's callous to go in my opinion.

A family member went on holiday when their parent died (soon after) and it delayed the funeral for the other siblings. It caused ill feeling.

If DP wants to go and his dad agrees then you should go. Hanging around waiting for someone to die doesn't do anyone any good. I have poignant memories of a holiday in France in my teens when we all knew that our grandma was very ill, and yes she did slip away while we were gone but all of us had made our goodbyes previously and it didn't feed wrong or bad that we weren't nearby when it happened. When it happened we had a quiet day comforting one another and sharing our happiest memories, and we reminded ourselves how much she loved us all and would want us to have a fun and restful holiday, and we did. Then when we got back obviously there was all the admin for my parents and the funeral arrangements and it all got done. No regrets - grandma didn't need a bunch of people gathered around her and our parents definitely needed a break and didn't need a week of stressful waiting.

I'm going to go against the grain here. I would go. EOL can last for weeks/months. Your DH could be home from spain very quickly if she deteriorates.

You are only seeing this from your own perspective. A few of us now have given alternative points of view. My DH and in laws loved their mum/grandma very very much but still opted to see through the family holiday, knowing she could die or may hang on longer. Knowing their was nothing they could do (as OP's DH says) and wanting to enjoy some time away as respite from the many weeks of caring and ahead of dealing with all that was still there to be dealt with on our return. different people and families will make different decisions and that is ok.

I think people need to be very careful with their language here. ‘Callous, hates his parents’ etc. No one knows the fulls extent of their relationship, how long she’s been ill, the support if he’s not there for his dad, how many times they’ve been told it’s about to happen (and then doesn’t).

If he wants to go AND there’s support for his dad without him, I’d go. It’s not the OPs call, it’s his. He may feel the holiday will galvanise him for the funeral and what’s to come after. He’s a person too who’s been through a lot I’d suspect, it doesn’t make him a terrible person if he decides to go.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation @Woodylol.

Unfortunately even if you do go it’s not going to be much of a holiday as there will be a dark cloud hanging over it whether your MIL has already died, dies during, or shortly after it. I would contact the holiday providers & try and reschedule or contact your insurers.

I don’t think your DP is being heartless though, just trying to continue with life plans. I once went on holiday abroad when a parent was very ill & hospitalised (but an uncertain prognosis at that point) and although being with my immediate family was nice I was constantly on the phone and my heart and mind was at home. It was the least relaxing or restorative holiday I’ve ever had.

Parents only die once. Although you are relatively powerless in the situation supporting your remaining parent and family (assuming relations are otherwise good) is crucial and death admin is necessary. Not something I would want to have to return from holiday to face.

I’d probably wait a few more days and see how it goes. These things aren’t always quick, it’s only Spain so easy for your dp to fly back if he needs to, you can stay on for the rest of the week. Experience tells me being on end of life could be today or 5 weeks time.

To be honest I doubt the insurance will pay if the illness/condition predates the insurance and you didn’t tell them.

thinking of you all though, it’s a tough decision and times ahead

You don't mention if your partner has siblings. As someone needs to there to support your mil & fil. As you said already that your fil will need a lot of support.

I could not go on a holiday if either of my parents were at end of life stage.
Your partner should definitely cancel. I don't think any of you would enjoy a holiday in this situation.
Your ds will most likely be very upset when your mil passes. Being away in Spain could make it even more upsetting for him.

My partners family had a holiday booked to fly the day after he died (he died suddenly, no illness) they were like you and didn't know what to do but they didnt want to let the kids down and hadn't told them about him dying right away. In the end they went but they didn't enjoy it at all. I imagine if you ask them to tell you about the holiday they wouldn't remember a thing about it coz they were distraught.
I would cancel personally, your father in law will need you when the time comes. It's really sad. Sorry you're having to deal with this .

We went away when my FIL was ill, we knew he was dying but my MIL, BIL and FIL all said to go away still because everyone thought he would survive the time we were away, DH decided that we should go so we did. FIL did die and it was just awful. I’ll never forget getting the call, just horrible. We shouldn’t have gone.

Had two family members with end of life in the last year mil and grandad and there's no way I would have continued and gone on holiday

Personally I wouldn't go. Spain will always be there.
Not everyone has the same relationship so
to weigh up I'd be considering who is left behind. Does DH have any siblings to help your FIL during this difficult time? It's not even the death part - it's making sure FIL is looked after food wise, rest wise and being there emotionally for him.
Again it depends on family dynamics.

When we were told my mum was palliative care only, we cancelled our holiday.

The GP provided a letter stating she only had weeks to live and our insurance refunded all our costs.

Had we have gone away, she was still alive during those dates but I would not have been able to enjoy a holiday knowing my mum was near end of life

'DP’s father will need a lot of support'--will he get it from others if you are away?