Should we cancel our Spain holiday because MIL is end of life?

[Woodylol]

We have a holiday in Spain booked next week. Mother in Law who has had complex medical needs for years is now on end of life care. It’s very likely she’ll die before we fly and if not will be when we are there. We are divided as to whether we should go (DP’s father will need alot of support). We have annual travel insurance that covers death of close relative. I’m not sure how it works if they haven’t died but it’s imminent. DP says we should go, theres nothing we can do. I feel like we will go and then regret it. Just wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation? If we don’t go, is it likely that the insurance will cover if MIL has died or on end of life care for an illness that existed prior to the booking/travel insurance (although it is something people live for years from). Feel guilty asking about the money side, but it is a significant amount for us to lose. The holiday is also for our DS who will be devasted about MIL and is also old enough to understand why we’d need to cancel. Then when I think cancelling would be the best option I wonder if going is the break we need before coming back to making arrangements.

Yes you should cancel and no one can guess what the insurance you chose would cover; you need to ask them.

I’m all for staying and for support, the main person being FiL who is going to need emotional support and help with meetings and arrangements.

Saying that, it is very individual to circumstances and the condition of the person who is ill.
We travelled to say goodbye at least four times, over a year, to my DM. Each time, heartbroken that we would never see her again. Each time coming to terms with the end of her life.
She had dementia and didn’t know we were there or who we were, but we wanted to be with her. On one occasion we were a nine hour drive away.
I am sure my work thought I was making it up as I needed compassionate leave each time.
On one occasion, we called after a sleepless night, dreading the news, to be told by the nursing home staff member,’ she is sitting in the dining room eating bacon sandwiches’!
We weren’t with her when she died in her sleep outside of the four occasions of being asked to come to her.

I would go. Sometimes EOl can take a lot longer than anyone is expecting. It depends really on how imminent. If I doctor has genuinely said you’re at the very end that would shape my view but I’ve also had a close relative that has been near death for months now. I think your experience really does shape how you react to these sorts of situations. Once things become quite prolonged you can’t just give up everything in your own life. It sounds like your MIl has been poorly for quite a long time which is why your DH might be more in the ‘go’ camp.

If I had the choice to be with my mum in her final days, I would. If my DH did not feel that way about his mum then I would follow his lead.

Did you tell your insurance about her because many want to know if there is an ill close relative that may cause a cancellation

I’d stay even if it meant losing the amount paid for the holiday. Your husband may be hit like a ton of bricks if he lost his mum whilst away and his dad could need support with his grief as well as organising a funeral etc.

There’s a lot of projection on this thread….

If she's still eating and drinking, maybe you have a week, maybe you don't. Sometimes the end happens quickly when it comes.

Your DP might want to go away, it might be that he feels an intense need to escape or have a break from it all, but it won't be that. Or maybe irrationally he thinks he can outrun her death in some way. We don't have the context so can't say. But I know when my DH's father was dying he wasn't always 100% thinking straight.

I don't think it's right to say goodbye and go on holiday when you know it might be the last time.

Is the first time between you that you've lost a parent?

If she was unwell-terminal- before you booked the holiday, you might not get the money back. But I’d call to ask.
I know someone who went on holiday and there relative died when they were away. They were very close and it gutted them. But then again, I’ve known people who have lost family who they weren’t close to so would have still gone.

Id follow your partners lead.

If DH wants to go, I would go, it's his mother. If DH wanted to cancel a holiday because my Mother might die I wouldn't be very happy

This has happened a few times in my family.

One family cancelled. Two families went. One of those was a long holiday ...

And none of us judged each decision.

We had a 2 week trip to America booked when FIL took a downwards turn. DH knew he wouldn’t live until be got back. FIL had dementia and didn’t know who anyone was. DH decided we would still take the trip. We went to say our goodbyes before we flew and FIL passed 2 days later. MIL was with him, the care home FIL was in sorted out the immediate necessities and the funeral directors arranged a date for after we got back and were able to make suitable arrangements. All of which had been decided and put in place before we went.

DH has no regrets, the dementia meant he had lost his Dad years previously.

Have you actually checked the insurance would cover you? Im in a similar situation and it was only if cause of death wasnt known when booking the holiday

A few years ago my MIL was e.o.l., we cancelled a holiday & our insurer wouldn't pay up - it's in the very small print that nobody reads.
She lived another 8 months, so I'd never do that again.

I honestly don’t know how you could all have a good time in Spain. That would be a complete waste of time , knowing that a loved one is near the end . I would want to be with my loved ones when the pass .

All those saying they will be distraught .

Not necessarily - a long drawn out illness of someone elderly can end up with death being a release. Often the grieving is done long before the actual death.

There is no way in hell i would be going, surely your husband wants to be with his mother when she is dying and be there to support his father through it all ?

Depends how close you are - I would absolutely cancel but families are all different. I worked in the NHS for years and saw families literally camp out for days next to a dying loved one and others who just said only ring me after 8am if anything happens.

we don’t know the dynamic and family history, we cannot judge so it’s very much an individual choice so go with your gut instinct.

Insurance isn't going to cover death of a relative if they are still alive

She's your husband's mother. I'm baffled why you want to cancel the holiday if he doesn't.

This. Pretty surprised DP wants to go. Avoiding confronting that his mum is dying?

Mainly, I'd want to be around to support his dad, and to ensure she was comfortable and properly cared for in her final days or weeks. There will always be another time to go to Spain, there will never be a chance to say goodbye to a loved one if you are not there when they die. That said, I have a friend whose mother was on end of life care on and off for eight years. My friend was run ragged zooming up the motorway to say goodbye so many times, only for her mum to be having tea with the neighbours a few days later. But still, she is glad she was present on the occasion when it did happen.

I would go. It's another week before you go, things can change a lot in a week, or they might not change at all.

Our travel insurance also made it impossible for us to claim. Wanted confirmation from various doctors that she wasn’t terminal before we left, ended up not pursuing it. The woman on the phone actually suggested we get a statement from my dying MIL to confirm it was sudden (she was diagnosed with a secondary cancer which killed her the week before we were due to leave)
Absolutely no understanding or compassion at all.

I was in this situation. My mum had cancer. The consultant said it would be weeks to the end. We were off to S America. A junior doctor told us it would be sooner. We cancelled. She died three days later. I was so glad we had been with her in her last few days.

That was my situation - I still wish I could have been there.