Should we cancel our Spain holiday because MIL is end of life?

[Woodylol]

We have a holiday in Spain booked next week. Mother in Law who has had complex medical needs for years is now on end of life care. It’s very likely she’ll die before we fly and if not will be when we are there. We are divided as to whether we should go (DP’s father will need alot of support). We have annual travel insurance that covers death of close relative. I’m not sure how it works if they haven’t died but it’s imminent. DP says we should go, theres nothing we can do. I feel like we will go and then regret it. Just wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation? If we don’t go, is it likely that the insurance will cover if MIL has died or on end of life care for an illness that existed prior to the booking/travel insurance (although it is something people live for years from). Feel guilty asking about the money side, but it is a significant amount for us to lose. The holiday is also for our DS who will be devasted about MIL and is also old enough to understand why we’d need to cancel. Then when I think cancelling would be the best option I wonder if going is the break we need before coming back to making arrangements.

This

We have been in a similar situation and Admiral travel insurance refused to pay up.

We did not want to go away as the death was quite unexpected; FIL had gone into hospital for surgery for a long held condition and was expected to recover, but due to hospital negligence he went into organ failure and subsequently died. We did not know if he would die in two days or in twenty, and DH wanted to stay home. We live in Northern Ireland where funeral arrangements take place within three days so a different situation and more reason to be home.

We had planned the trip and bought the travel insurance before the hospital events that caused the death, but the insurance company argued that the only reason for FIL being in hospital in the first place was due to a condition he had had for thirty five years and therefore it was a pre-existing condition. I do not think your insurance will cover this.

We also felt very uncomfortable requesting the death certificate from MIL for this purpose.

I'm with those who can't quite get their head around this. I am a bit shocked that someone is able to prioritise a week in Spain over being with their Mum in her dying days.

So unless there is a back-story, it sounds like your DH is either cold as ice or burying his head in the sand and not wanting to confront his mum's death. That is understandable, but a recipe for regret.

I would go if your Husband is wanting to go.
We went on holiday (pre booked) when FIL died a few days before and before the funeral. We had some strange reactions to that too but ultimately it was my husbands call. He wanted to go and it did him the world of good to get away. He came back able to sort all arrangements.

Grief isn't limited to solely being in the location but the ability to rest for a few days can really help.

This!

I doubt anyone is going to be having fun on holiday so what's the point anyway.

Stay and tell you dh to support his poor df.

I think if she passes away before you go I might still go but not if she hadn’t. Depends how much support your father in law will need and if there are others to help support him.

I'd stay, unless she was abusive she deserves to have her son with her at the end.

This - EOL doesn’t necessarily mean they will die within a short time frame. Presumably if MIL died before the holiday you would cancel.
Maybe I am just heartless. DPs are so old and health issues so frequent, that literally every holiday over the past 12 years has involved calculating if we should go and how easy it would be to get back. For the first few years I did it out of genuine concern, but now I am getting to the stage where I think we will be too old to go on the longer intrepid trips we had planned by the time we are able to go without wondering if we will need to come back.

My df was likely to pass around the time we were due to take a long planned luxury UK break to celebrate my dh's birthday. No way could I have gone. I wanted to be present when df passed (sadly, that didn't play out, but the intention was there) and i couldn't have left my dm at such an awful time. We gave the break to my brother and sister in law and sadly df passed on dh's birthday 😪
I guess it depends on how close you are as a family - i just couldn't imagine being away at that time and certainly wouldn't have enjoyed myself one bit

That should read brother- in-law, not brother. Obvs my brother was grieving with us

im guessing he doesn't have a good relationship with his mum and that's okay.go, enjoy your holiday! I'm estranged from one parent from childhood and wouldn't be there.

If not a bad relationship then it's heartbreaking he would let her have her final moments knowing he wasn't by her side and living it up on holiday. Imagine dying knowing your kids didn't choose to be there with you.

The op has said the df needs support. For that reason they should reschedule. Obviously tbh, I'm surprised some folk need to ask these kind of questions.

What, your brother accepted your hol when his df was dying? You'd think the fact you realised it wasn't the right time to go might have given him a clue that jollies should be rearranged at such times

You say that without understanding the wider family dynamics.

OP - I’d follow DP’s lead, if he wants to go, go. Everyone copes with grief differently, and trying to force someone to conform with your own ideas of what should & shouldn’t happen is at best, unhelpful.

People are very different in bereavement some people want to distance themselves or have been living with it for so long they've accepted it way before it occurs.
It's not weird to me. Just that I can see the OP really wants to get it right for her DP.

I never took time off work directly after my mother died. I took it for the funeral which was weeks later. And life goes on.
Theres no right or wrong but you have to be able to live with it afterwards, that's all.
X

Going wouldn’t even be a remote consideration. I wonder if your husband is in shock to be considering it.

I would cancel. I was away for 3 nights when my mum was EOL and only 1 hour away. This was because I didn't want to let my kids down and to be honest I wasn't thinking straight. She passed literally as we travelled home. I would do anything to go back and change that decision

What about his df, don't his feelings count? He needs a lot of support the op has said, her selfish dh needs to stop packing his swim trunks and step up.

Well Op, let's imagine it's 30 years from now and you are dying. Would you expect your son to be with you, or would you expect him to bog off to Benidorm for a jolly?

Come on now.

@Gloriia maybe she meant brother in law, or maybe her DF wasn’t brother’s dad.

If we had booked a holiday and DF’s health had deteriorated he would have told us to go. He would have rather we were on the beach than sitting round his bed waiting for him to die

No advice, but I wanted to send you all my best wishes and sympathy as you make the decision you think better.

Some people on this thread are horrible. I'm sick of the shaming that goes on.

Yes people can have different opinions but why the need to shame (in fairness not just the one I have quoted there are worse further up)

My mum went to Spain for a week while her mum was dying. She was in intensive care though, in an induced coma so I guess it's slightly different. I sat with my grandmother for days, in the end she died the day after my mum got back. My mum really didn't want to be there at the time of her death and left the ward.

My mum just didn't want to be there. Maybe your husband doesn't want to for whatever reason.

You have so much time in your lives to be going on holiday, now isn't the time to be going. It's not just about whether MIL passes away, it's then about supporting other members of the family through that grief. Staying is the right thing to do.

Yes go. There’s nothing you can do.
of course depends on how much she means to you. My mother was end of life care for three weeks! I went on holiday. She died on the day I left. It was fine. I’d said my goodbyes.