Should we cancel our Spain holiday because MIL is end of life?

[Woodylol]

We have a holiday in Spain booked next week. Mother in Law who has had complex medical needs for years is now on end of life care. It’s very likely she’ll die before we fly and if not will be when we are there. We are divided as to whether we should go (DP’s father will need alot of support). We have annual travel insurance that covers death of close relative. I’m not sure how it works if they haven’t died but it’s imminent. DP says we should go, theres nothing we can do. I feel like we will go and then regret it. Just wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation? If we don’t go, is it likely that the insurance will cover if MIL has died or on end of life care for an illness that existed prior to the booking/travel insurance (although it is something people live for years from). Feel guilty asking about the money side, but it is a significant amount for us to lose. The holiday is also for our DS who will be devasted about MIL and is also old enough to understand why we’d need to cancel. Then when I think cancelling would be the best option I wonder if going is the break we need before coming back to making arrangements.

My neighbour cancelled her holiday because her mother was on her last legs.
Her mother recovered and she didn’t have another holiday just in case for 3 years until her mother died.

100% i’d be cancelling.

Some people don’t want death bed scenes, my DF was clear on that when he was terminally ill.

Some people would much rather you went on holiday than sat around their bed waiting for them to die

If they have been ill for a long time then family will already have been grieving for a long time

Does FIL have other support?

Just to everyone saying her DH needs to support his DF - what do you all think happens when someone dies? Yes it is sad, people cry. There are arrangements to be made for a funeral, but other than calling the funeral director to come and remove the body all other arrangements can wait. Most areas of the UK getting a date for a cremation takes about 2-3 weeks minimum anyway. I assume DF is currently caring for himself/has his own carers? Physically everything will be absolutely fine with them in Spain. These days they can even call DF multiple times a day if needed.

I'd go on holiday.

It's only spain, you can be back in 8hours easily. Would she really just want everyone sat around waiting dor her to die? I

Going back years now my grandmother was seriously ill - age related ill health. We had a 2 week French holiday booked - our first foreign holiday as a family, so quite special. We went away and had a lovely break. My grandmother died the morning we returned.
Personally I would visit before going and then go away. It will be a positive distraction from sitting waiting for her to die ....

My sibling went to live in America for a year when one of our parents were dying. They weren’t expected to be alive when they got home. If MIL was all alone and had no one else then I wouldn’t go but if she’s got other family then I’d go. But that’s how we all think in my family. I agree MIL shouldn’t be alone ideally but if doesn’t sound as though she is.

This.

One of my 91 year old grandparents was on end of life care for 3 weeks before dying.

Of course you should cancel. How bizarre to even consider going. Unless there's a huge background.

In the last year dh and I have had a parent each die after EOL care.

I can't imagine any of us settling long enough to get any benefit out of a holiday.

One parent had Alzheimer’s and lasted a week after the downturn, we were there by her side (all siblings too) and the other parent only lasted 4 months after a cancer diagnosis.

That was december and we cancelled all events we'd planned. It just seemed disrespectful somehow to be out enjoying ourselves when a parent was living his last days. Also, we were so tired by grief even before death.

But everyone is different, my nephew went to a wedding abroad when my parent died. He was already away and we hold funerals 2-3 days after death, he was there for none of it. And he's one my parent would have doted on the most. I can't find myself feeling the same about him as I once did.

My dd was due to fly on a solo trip a week after the funeral and cancelled. She had to send a scan of the death certificate to prove the date of death and got a full refund.

Just make sure you and your partner are on the same page. I think you're having doubts anyway.

Insurance companies need to be factual not compassionate. If they paid anyone out regardless, all insurance policies would be trebled.

As someone with adult children and grandchildren, I would tell them to go on holiday if I was dying.

I disagree. Even if there’s not a lot to be done, being with FIL is important.

One of my parents died a few years ago and i wasn’t very close to the one who died. But I think the remaining parent would have been (rightly) upset if I’d gone on holiday. I wouldn’t have considered going. Not sure they’d enjoy it anyway?

I definitely wouldn’t go, OP. I wonder if your dh might not be thinking straight? Your instinct to cancel is right.

This isn't true for everyone though.

We have a 2 night wake and then funeral.

The day of death the undertaker needs all details for funeral.

You then have the wake and family,friends, relations etc and speaking to the priest to sort service etc.

I found myself doing all this for my parent despite having a large number of siblings.

The day after the funeral I needed to sort several copies of death certificate for various parties.

I guess it's different for some, but if I went away for a week and someone died even midway through, they'd be buried by the time my holiday was over. Id come home of course, but why add more stress than already exists?

I think it depends on the type of relationship over the years. Has she been a kind, helpful person who is a big part of your family life… Or a self-interested “I’m retired, my only focus is my bucket list holidays” person.

But I’ve got a particularly complicated family life so my own decision would be based on the depth of the relationship day-to-day, not just the fact someone is a mother/father etc.

For example, if it were my father or FIL, we’d both decide to go on holiday. If it was MIL, DH wouldn’t go on holiday and I’d have to support him.

We were in the same situation. I didn’t want to go, DH did. We went, I felt guilty and DH spent a lot of time phoning the hospital and relatives.

Anyway, she didn’t die until around five weeks after our holiday. We actually managed to have a good time.

It isn't bizzare. It might not be what you'd do but it isn't bizzare. Many people aren't with loved ones when they die. Many people live abroad and don't come back to the UK. Many people have other factors to consider, like children, work etc. Many people have been grieving the death of their parent for years and dont need to be there at the end etc etc.

@IsaDrennansoitis can the funeral ever be delayed? What happens if relatives live abroad and can’t get back in 2 days due to location etc

If that was my mum or dad (and I lost my dad unexpectedly when he was 54) I would absolutely stay. There is no way I could go on holiday and enjoy it knowing my parent was due to pass at any time. It sounds like maybe he doesn't have a good relationship with his parents? Also, it's about being there to support his father.

I would cancel. I wouldn't enjoy a second of the holiday anyway and I would want to be there for my father. There is a lot to sort out when someone dies - death certificates, bank accounts, liasing with undertakers, arranging funerals etc. I wouldn't leave my father alone to deal with that while grieving.

What sort of holiday is it? If its a package holiday with someone like Tui you can usually rearrange for a different date.

It turns out that actually once a loved one dies, there’s not an awful lot you have to do immediately. The process following a death is actually really slow.

If she dies whilst you’re away, you will be back before anything has really happened.

@MummyWillow1what happens? I’ll tell you. You go with the remaining parent to the funeral place and help them pick out a coffin and make arrangements. You help them deal with the bank and other institutions that need informing. You ring friends to inform them. You cook them food. You sit with them as they cry. You hold their hand silently.
OP my mother lived in another country and my sister told me she was home from hospital to die. I asked how close she thought it was (she is a doctor) and she said in the next couple weeks. As I had school age children I waited a couple days to tie things up before we flew over. She died while we were in the air so I never saw her. I so wish I had just got on the very next plane.

But some of us just have direct cremations which doesn't need you to do much at all

Yes, but usually only if someone has emigrated like a sibling or child.

Never for a long time though, maybe an extra day or two?

I have a family member who went while in this scenario. They said they wished they hadn’t gone as they spent the whole time wishing they were home. I went and knew they would pass while I was away but I did get to say goodbye. I was going for a wedding abroad .Please do what you think is best for you and your family. There is no right answer Lots of love to you all