DS struggling at Cambridge

[Naturenurture]

He’s only been there for two weeks but says he wants to leave. He’s a very social, extrovert person and says he feels like no one is on his wavelength. Not terribly sporty but he’s trying to join clubs and societies, and just says he feels like he makes lots of overtures and doesn’t get any response. He’s got a wide social circle at home and says all his friends at other unis seem to be out every night. I don’t know how to help him, he knows he can’t just throw away such an amazing opportunity but he’s just so lonely that it’s heartbreaking. Is this normal, normal for Cambridge, or do you think we have a problem?

There will be oddballs at all universities, but they're in the minority - including at Cambridge. Making out it's entirely populated by introverted geeks and a sociable kid will be unable to make friends is simply untrue. I've got a dc at Oxford, who's hugely sociable and has a crowd of hugely sociable "normal" friends, they all have a lot of fun (and work hard). But the friendships weren't made in two weeks

Re the clubs and societies - usually they advertise when they’re running and people turn up and join in, etc? Most aren’t secret invitation only - they usually advertise a lot.
It’s likely true that people aren’t “going out” as much as some other unis - a lot of the social activities revolve around college bars etc rather than going out clubbing or to pubs / bars in town. Obv there is some of that but it’s a small town really, doesn’t have all the city venues etc that bigger places do.

Is he in a small college? I’d still be encouraging him to give it time and keep trying with things. Huge sympathies though - sounds like he’s having a hard time.

My DC is there now. Having a fab time by all accounts. Perhaps those who are dissatisfied make more noise about it than the majority who are getting on with their courses and having a nice time?

do you have a child studying there?

I've not heard this, my DC is in their 4th year, through them and friends children's attending, I know a fair few Cams students.
As with any university it's not always easy to find your people, and 2 weeks isn't a very long time despite the terms only. being 8 weeks.
I hope things look up for OPs son

Thank you so much for all the helpful replies. Sounds like everything he is experiencing is normal. He is reluctant to join the rowing club as he is doing quite a relentless course and is worried about the time commitment, but he has already got involved in something theatrical which hasn’t started yet but hopefully that will help. I’m encouraging him to be patient but as plenty of others have pointed out the workload is quite hectic from the outset which is what he has signed up for! Thank you again.

I think some colleges manage this better than others both in terms of actual welfare and socialising provision and the actual construction of their accommodation and communal (or lack of) areas where first year students can get to know each other. Definitely give it time, I do think it can be a challenging place to make friends as so many people are heavily focussed on their course or some other extra-curricular activity such as music or sport, and they tend to make friends within these groups. If it so happens that he cannot fins his tribe on his staircase or easily within college then there are a whole host of uni-wide clubs and societies where you can make great friends with people who have similar interests to you. My YP has a very demanding course also but essentially has made most of their friends through sport and music. Good luck and hope he sticks it out. Give it time x

Tell him to take what he sees in social media regarding his forefathers is not always the reality and it’s easy to think others aren’t struggling too. Remember others o ku post the good things. How he feels is more common than he thinks.

I’m sorry he’s feeling a bit shit. Do remember that one downside of constant communication now is that you hear from them at every moment they are feeling down, with dead silence when they are having fun. Send him some pet pictures if you have a cat or dog at home. I also splashed out on posting ds brownies at moments of stress (tbf you could send your own if the postal bakeries are too expensive). Great news that he’s signed up for something drama related, that will get him networked up, and he’s probably right that drama plus rowing plus a demanding course is a bad mix.

As for the kids at other unis being out every night… some are; some are having hellish issues with silent flatmates, or trying to get themselves sorted for accommodation in the second year based on knowing their flatmates for 2 weeks.

Why not plan to go and see him in a week or two if you can?

I think in general I’m saying to be ‘there there, oh dear, hope tomorrow is better’ - be there to moan to but try to keep him going for the moment.

@Icedvanillacoffee wrote:

If he is at Emmanuel he has my sympathy as that college is literally in the bus station which must be irritating.

What an interesting impression. It’s not mine. Handy if you want to go somewhere by road, though.
Buses do wait on the road on two sides of the college (behind high walls) and next to the back of a separate bit of college (with no windows onto it), but there’s an tunnel under the road to that court so students don’t need to see it 😉.

Here’s a photo of one corner of the college: all the green areas are in the college. The stripy rectangles are the roofs of Stagecoach buses.

Gardens - scroll through the pictures.

I think it must be more irritating to be in colleges which get lots of tourists traipsing through them, but at least those tend to be wealthy colleges and most students don’t have accommodation in the courts the tourists see.

OP: two weeks isn’t very long. I hope some of the suggestions upthread prove to be helpful. Some sports don’t demand as much commitment as the higher-level rowing clubs do.

That definitely wasn't my experience. Which is why I wanted to say that college parents are only useful if they're good. Some aren't sadly.

I have heard that Oxbridge can be very difficult for kids coming from different backgrounds, I had a friend from Leeds for example, she said it was a terrible experience for her and she felt constantly excluded/insecure/not accepted. I don't know what background your DS has. I do think that of he manages to look in the right places he might find a couple of people on his wavelength, but even then he might always feel like he doesn't belong. For sure give it a little time, but I'd also consider other options. He shouldn't be forced to be miserable just to attend Cambridge, there are plenty of other top quality universities and very few opportunities in his future that would be biased towards Oxbridge grads nowadays.

Adding a quick edit, equally kids need time to adapt to uni. I definitely took a few months and my niece last year took much longer. I also would never describe it as one of the top experiences of my life. As others have said sometimes expectations are too high.

It’s normal for any uni, not just Cambridge. My DD is at Durham and though not very outgoing at all and a non drinker has thrown herself in, squeezing everything out of the uni she can. Yet she hasn’t found ‘her tribe’. But now in third year she just wants her degree and be done with it. The ‘university experience’ is overrated in most cases. He should concentrate on getting an excellent degree and not worry so much about the social side. It may come with time. And if not? So what. Short terms he can see his mates at home.

Also wanted to add, I don't know how anyone else feels but all those uni nights out from the first year mean very little to me now, nor do the people I spent them with. Part way through the year I made one good friend who I'm still in touch with, not in touch with anyone else. I have often thought I wish i had spent less time going out and more time meaningfully engaged either in study, sports or clubs, or with one or two quality friendships, rather than nights out with big groups where noone really gave a damn about each other.

This is normal. Two weeks is no time at all. He will find his people! Once he’s joined a few societies and gone to a few college Bops he will find like-minded people.

People, especially young people, don't always say if everything is not fine.

Rowing can involve early starts etc (my DD was on one of the ‘tough’ courses and found it didn’t really work for her, clashes with supos etc) but if he fancies some unpressured messing about on the river I have it on good authority that the canoe club (kayaking really) is fun.

If your DS is interested in something else theatrical he might like to wander around https://www.camdram.net/ It says it's "The portal website for amateur theatre in Cambridge" but it is mostly university. It gives lists of vacancies (actors and production teams), societies and roles, among other things.

If he's interested in making films, joining the Jesus 48 hour film challenge would get him put in a team working together for a few days, which might be a good way to meet people.

Ultimate Frisbee is a good sport...most people will be completely new to it in first year.
A friend was invited to a dinner party in his director of studies house many years ago. I wonder if that still happens!

I think he’s just been unlucky so far. He will find his tribe. Were there things at freshers fair which appealed? What was he in to before uni?

Can you visit and cheer him up a bit?

A few people do drop out and some with good reason but I’d encourage him to give it a bit more time — like the rest of the term? He just needs a couple of buddies and then he can build on that.