DS struggling at Cambridge

[Naturenurture]

He’s only been there for two weeks but says he wants to leave. He’s a very social, extrovert person and says he feels like no one is on his wavelength. Not terribly sporty but he’s trying to join clubs and societies, and just says he feels like he makes lots of overtures and doesn’t get any response. He’s got a wide social circle at home and says all his friends at other unis seem to be out every night. I don’t know how to help him, he knows he can’t just throw away such an amazing opportunity but he’s just so lonely that it’s heartbreaking. Is this normal, normal for Cambridge, or do you think we have a problem?

Are you seriously saying Oxbridge bods aren’t more nerdy on average?

Also I am not sure how the “student experience” metric is measured but it does seem that it is lower at oxbridge than elsewhere.

Of course. I have a son there now. He's bright, and interested in (but not obsessed with) his subject but he's not trying for a first and he has a healthy social life.

What does “nerdy“ mean? Do you mean they sit in the library? 16 hours a day, wearing thick glasses and have no interest in – say – pop music, clubbing fashion and being sociable? If that’s your metric then you’re completely wrong if you’re saying that the students probably work harder than elsewhere because they have a bigger workload and – I likely to be more intellectual (and you can be intellectual and not nerdy) then possibly. But it’s all very lazy stereotyping. This was a threat originally about a boy struggling to fit in in the first few weeks, the idea that he won’t fit in because everyone else is locked in their room reading Sophocles while listening to Elgar and doesn’t want to socialise is patent nonsense.

You’re missing the point. If by ‘nerdy’ you mean ‘into your subject’, then maybe? But that’s got zero to do with how streetwise one is! My DS is from a big city and used to navigating the challenges of rougher areas. His Cambridge friends are from all walks of life and come from a wide range of places - urban/rural, different backgrounds, different countries….you can’t make a sweeping statement about how streetwise people are, just because they’re academic fgs.

Absolutely this.

That is, quite literally, not what I said.

Please could you explain what you mean by "handholding to Oxbridge levels"?

DS is at Oxford and I haven't noticed any handholding to be honest. In fact it's quite "in at the deep end" compared with my (non elite) uni experience.

From the Cambs dictionary; ‘Nerdy is an adjective used to describe someone or something that is intensely interested in intellectual, technical, or academic subjects—such as science, computers, or books—while often being socially awkward, unstylish, or introverted.’

You may not like the descriptor but you’d be crazy to suggest that on average there are more likely to be nerdy people at Oxbridge than elsewhere.

You seem to have failed to answer this question (again), @MeshMesh .

They’re actually largely extremely self-sufficient, motivated and capable. Most Oxbridge students these days have part-time jobs, are self-starters, juggle loads of extracurriculars and manage high workloads well before they arrive.

The idea that they’re nerdy wallflowers who aren’t “streetwise” and don’t know how to do their own laundry or whatever is frankly an absurd caricature.

And OP, what your son is experiencing is completely normal. See how he feels at the end of term. It takes a good few weeks, even a few terms sometimes, to settle in. Many others will be feeling like him, too.

So that’s a yes, then?

There is an interesting paradox in the Oxbridge system: while students are expected to develop considerable intellectual independence, construct original arguments and undertake substantial independent study, they are given considerably less responsibility for managing their own relationship with the institution. Their academic progress is closely monitored through regular supervisions or tutorials, frequent written assignments, continuous feedback and formal reporting. They have designated academic advisers, Directors of Studies and college tutors who take an active interest in their performance, identify problems and intervene when necessary. They are also embedded in a collegiate structure that provides ready access to academic staff, libraries, welfare services and established social and intellectual networks. In other words, they are encouraged to become independent thinkers within an unusually protective and highly structured institutional environment. By contrast, students at red-brick universities are generally expected to take much greater responsibility for organising their studies, seeking academic advice, interpreting feedback, identifying gaps in their knowledge and navigating the university's administrative and support structures themselves.

I was there twenty years ago… met my best friends at the start of the second term! Just one of those things.

it sounds like he is doing all the right things in terms of trying activities and meeting people, do reassure him that it can just take time to meet ‘your tribe’ sometimes. And that lots of others will be feeling this way too, and hiding those feelings !

Best of luck to him, it can be a hard and lonely time at first

It’s (a) the current youth culture post-Covid
(b) the fees and the economy

Remember that full fees were only brought in from 2010, and for the first few years students were basically told by the Tory govt, the media etc. that it was basically a graduate tax. There were still maintenance loan and grant options on top. In 2016 the early repayment plans looked generous, and the full implications of incurring 60-100k of debt hadn’t really sunk in. The economic downturns and general pessimism about politics and the economic situation in the West following 2016 (Trump, Brexit, Covid, etc.) were yet to come.

Even ten years ago young people were more optimistic, felt like they would get interesting jobs and have good lives. This is not the case in 2026, where nearly all of them are gloomy, pessimistic, and feel very disconnected from the wider culture — especially the debacles of Brexit and the long Tory govt — and see fees as yet another example of how they are being used as cash cows to prop up an economy where other people overwhelmingly own the houses, gatekeep the jobs, and are politically disconnected from young people.

Covid also turned youth culture into one big self-obsessed online American-dominated whingefest, where young people are encouraged to ruminate in internet silos about “identity”, “overwhelm” and mental health. In my department we cut student workload to less than 50 percent of what the students were doing in 2016, but they actually complain way more about not being able to manage it. Students’ ability hasn’t changed in those ten years, but their overall outlook has.

Current 20 year olds were 10 when Trump came to power. No wonder the poor things are fed up. The world to them is one big post-Trump catastrophe, with everyone saying the arrival of AI is going to remove any remaining chance of them actually having a normal life. We could all do with bearing that in mind. Imagine you’d never really known the world before Trump and Brexit?

All this is a sideline from OP’s son, who I am sure will end the term feeling a lot happier and more confident!

Am intrigued to know where you assessment of YP is coming from @MeshMesh - G8 on an instrument by the age of 18 is something hundreds of kids up and down the country will have got. It's certainly not a rarefied "Oxbridge" thing, nor even that extraordinary by 18. Your stereotypes do seem woefully outmoded.

lol - have you ever had any contact at all with Oxbridge?

Have you, more to the point!

My source is extensive first hand experience over many years.

Which one of the points I’ve made do you disagree with and why?

That Oxbridge students are disproportionately nerdy vs other unis?

That they get a particular type of handholding?

That they are less likely to be streetwise than those at other unis?

And your own source of knowledge is???

Ooof, other downside would be the super early starts.

I was prop for a small theatre production when an old school friend in Corpus was desperate for volunteers. To be fair, I was useless and a key “item” broke in act one scene two, iirc, but I met fun folk from a college I’d not have had much to do with otherwise.

It’s quite hard to advise on things like that, because there’s no knowing in advance what might work and what will end up seeming like a waste of scarce free time. Just encourage him to keep moving and keep circulating! Its still early days, and someone he may feel he’s barely clicked with will gradually begin to feature more and more in those everyday social moments.

I don’t agree that the majority of Oxford students are socially awkward, unstylish and introverted. I don’t agree in general that people who are academic have those qualities – some do but many don’t. Once again, it’s a lazy stereotype.

This is very interesting but like a PP, I think it shows that you haven't had much contact with or experience of Oxbridge. I have studied at both Oxbridge and a redbrick university and I think you have it wrong. You definitely have it completely about face in terms of organising studies which is far far more scaffolded at other universities, both in my experience and in DD's friends' experiences.

Just to give a couple of examples, for the essays my daughter has had to write this term, she has not only had to write the things but also come up with a sensible question which requires a lot of pre-reading and thought before even starting the essay. In contrast, at most other universities you'll simply be given a list of questions to pick from. She's also been given completely free reign over which lectures she attends which certainly wasn't my experience of what it was like at a different university doing a similar subject and doesn't seem to be what her friends at other places have experienced either. It has been quite a learning experience to go from school and having a timetable to building her own timetable and choosing what to explore more deeply.

And I don't think the ready made social networks exist in quite the way you think they do. There have been quite a number of threads on here about young people finding it very difficult to navigate this at Oxbridge, like this one for instance.

The support available in terms of pastoral care is much the same at most universities (although it tends to be easier to skip classes and lectures at some places from what I've heard from DD regarding friends at other universities).

Anyway, thanks for answering.

No idea why you come on to this thread to bash Oxbridge students, @MeshMesh, then claim to know alllll about Oxbridge having made some pretty sweeping and indefensible statements. Sour grapes?

I think I’ve defended my points perfectly well. What do you disagree with?