DS struggling at Cambridge

[Naturenurture]

He’s only been there for two weeks but says he wants to leave. He’s a very social, extrovert person and says he feels like no one is on his wavelength. Not terribly sporty but he’s trying to join clubs and societies, and just says he feels like he makes lots of overtures and doesn’t get any response. He’s got a wide social circle at home and says all his friends at other unis seem to be out every night. I don’t know how to help him, he knows he can’t just throw away such an amazing opportunity but he’s just so lonely that it’s heartbreaking. Is this normal, normal for Cambridge, or do you think we have a problem?

Perhaps remind him that if duds like Boris Johnson, George Osbourne and Liz Truss can get an Oxbridge degree, a smart sociable chap like himself should be fine if he gives it a few weeks.

The college system is how to address this. Your DS needs to chat to his college parents, his DoS and his tutor. There are two main groups to socialise with: people in your college and people on your course. In terms of expectations, the pace at Cambridge is very different from most other places because they only have 8 week terms. There's no proper freshers' week, reading weeks or easing in. I turned up on a Saturday, by Tuesday, I was sat in a library working through a reading list for my first essay on a topic which was on my Part I tripos exam two years later. From that vp, it's difficult to socialise frequently in term-time and keep up the standard.

Would he try theatre? There's a very active theatre scene and it doesnt need to be acting, they always want people to help behind scenes with sets etc.

How does he feel about rowing? Instant social circle...downside being he will soon only talk about rowing 😆

I echo the post above - it takes time and there will be many other students feeling the same. He needs to keep going with trying to join clubs and societies, and the friendships will come.

Does his college have a wellbeing team? They can offer some reassurance.

That sounds tough OP. What subject is he doing? I wouldn’t post his college details but is he at a central one, a known sociable one, a quiet further out one etc?

Any issues re state school / private school background? There can unfortunately still be a bit of the “what school did you go to” bonding which leaves others on the outside.

There’s a thread going over here where you might get more ideas re socialising at Cambridge.

I’d advise sticking it out if he’s enjoying the work, and biding his time a bit. DS started last year and it took about 5 weeks for him to get much out of either of the other 2 students in one of his supervisions but he’s now very good friends with one of those people. He suggested going for a coffee or getting dinner together after supervisons as a way to start with his group. One of the issues being of course that the groups are tiny!

also re joining a society, trying rowing or climbing if he’s not got a sport already as they are easy to join as novices and generally sociable. There are loads of things to join, but sometimes you just have to keep turning up to turn into a regular. Your DS sounds sociable but definitely being the one who says hello and gets people introducing themselves rather than sitting looking at their phone is a big start. I’ve seen students isolate themselves very quickly using their phone as a comfort blanket whilst others start chatting.

It’s only been a couple of weeks. Does he get on with people in his halls? He needs to give it more time.

The college will have organised social events too. I hope things improve for him soon.

Cambridge and Oxford are very different to other university experiences but I would encourage him not to give up. What college and course is he doing? Maybe he could research bars / pubs / clubs / music nights in the town to see outside college life a bit, but also go to college events. There should be an event where he can go round and speak to all the societies and find some which might suit his interest. As someone said above he could try out things like rowing but also don't feel you have to row or do sports to fit in. His people will be somewhere he just has to find them. Can he cook? If so he could perhaps cook and invite people from his floor / staircase to join him for a shared meal one night? (This is possible even with limited kitchen provision)

Two weeks in is very early days and its normal to feel unsettled, his friends at other universities may well have been there a few weeks more unless its Oxford and a few extra weeks can make a big difference.

There will be very sociable people there, its just finding them though there isn't the nightclubbing / heavy drinking every night other party type universities can have if that's what he's looking for. My DD is at Oxford and out every night and Cambridge will have similar people - its worth going to different societies, sports, events at college, meeting people from different subjects, basically mixing as much as possible to find people you gel with. And be open to people from different backgrounds, all DDs are from much wealthier backgrounds and they've all been great friends - she just had to get some restaurant meals moved to McDonalds. One way of meeting people is ask someone for coffee and cake after lectures. Hope things improve for him soon.

Also can take longer to settle for those who were very happy at school, I hated my comp school so fell in love with Cambridge quickly. I was impressed with the food quality, wowed by the buildings and facilities and people from the independents were complaining about quality and saying buildings were like school etc. But mostly they get to all love it.

Ah Cambridge such a strange place. Im town not gown. Im sure you will get great advice from folk who studied there or have kids there, but from my point of view if your son finds its odd thats because it is.
Unless you are used to it the architecture alone can be unsettling let alone the academic demands. I grew up in a village just outside, stuffed with Cambridge academics, we had 2 Nobel prize winners at one point.
I used the Cambridge libraries when I was on holiday from UCL to catch up and there was overlap with their students, they were exactly the same as my London peers, bit louder maybe.
Encourage your son to give it a bit longer, tell him it is normal to find it weird because it is. But there are nice weird things as well.
If he is at Emmanuel he has my sympathy as that college is literally in the bus station which must be irritating.
Tell him the people who work in the colleges, the normal folk not the academics, are lovely on the whole, some of them are my family members. If he needs a friendly face or some pleasant words they will help. Warn him though Cambridgeshire people are very blunt!

Something very odd is happening at Cambridge. I hear so many sorry tales of students dissatisfied with their courses and social lives.

I think his feelings are very normal at the point of the term; I remember it well even though it’s nearly 25 years since I started. The suggestion above of the theatre crew is a good one. I had no talent at all but worked backstage/in production and it’s where I met my closest friends.

If he is genuinely sociable he will find likeminded friends. Some of his friends will not be having a good time and just putting a brave face on with social media posts and alcohol. The first term can be tough wherever.

Definitely get him to talk to his college parents. My nephew is a college parent and has been taking his children out 😄. They’re there for advice as well and may suggest some clubs, etc. I think a couple of weeks in is still very early days.

College parents aren't always that helpful. They are one option but many students will have to find their own way and friendship circle.

Hopefully he’ll settle it is very different from other uni experience- my daughter joined the rowing club ( having never even set foot in an erg let alone a boat) and made tons of friends that way.

I'm sorry for your ds, but it shouldn't be like that ... Cambridge is not the strange place people are saying in that it is full of young people, most of whom are not eccentric geeks. They want to socialise. His college should be organising lots of events in the early days. Is this not happening? I'd echo everyone who says his friends may be putting a brave face on for social media. There's huge pressure for uni to be the happiest days of your lives but people do not make lifelong friends instantly. I remember not loving about the first six weeks of my first term and then it all clicked. Good luck, but really he shouldn't throw in the towel just yet.

Tell him to give it a term.

DS (Oxford not Cambridge) joined several societies, one of which had incredible parties. And there are balls and bops - in college discos etc.

Also, his mates might be out every night getting plastered, but he got into one of the top unis in the world, so working hard is going to be prioritised. He needs to have fun, but long term he won't regret putting the effort in, instead of trashing his liver.

He could visit friends for the weekend at other unis and go wild, or get them to visit him and go to a club in town, if he needs to let his hair down.

As PP have said, theatre clubs are very sociable. And the rugby/rowing teams always seem to party.

Social life in Cambridge is largely through the college.

he’ll have college parents who will have organised some events for a small group of freshers.

the freshers fair of societies will have already happened but most societies are very happy to take new members all the time.

generally each course has a society as well which te could join.

there is generally much less of the going out clubbing in Cambridge not least because there are very few clubs. Most people go down to London for proper clubbing and not often as it’s expensive.

sports/theatre other interests?

I don't think it's that Oxbridge has changed, it's that the rest of the world has changed but it hasn't.

Oxbridge is an environment where a lot of independence is expected but young people now aren't as well prepared for that. On another thread, people talk about not leaving their children for a day until they are 16, not letting them travel anywhere independently etc. but our university system and especially Oxbridge still expects the same from 18 year olds. It's no wonder they are finding it hard.

OP - it is normal and it takes some time to find your feet. It took me probably about 2 terms before I felt like I had real friends. Sign up for lots of different things and particularly things where you work together with others like theatre or university newspaper or JCR committees as that helps you get past the superficial

Oh absolutely but they can sign post them to stuff such as clubs and also when they take them out it’s in a group of other first years so they will meet other new starters.

Ahh @Naturenurture, that's tough for him and I can imagine such a worry for you.

I went to Cambridge relatively recently and, with hindsight, the vast majority of people at my college didn't 'find their tribe' at least for the first term.

My roommate (separate bedrooms but shared bathroom) and I leant on each other a lot in those first weeks even though we ended up branching out and making different friendship groups over time. Does he have neighbours in halls who might want to go to something together?

I also joined a sports club even though I wasn't particularly sporty and made my long-term friends that way (we're still close now). Lots of clubs deliberately cater to freshers in that first term and, when everyone's a beginner, you bond pretty quickly and the training and nights out etc. give you more of a structure to your weeks.

If I'm reading your OP correctly and he's keen on the partying side of things, most colleges still have drinking societies that set up 'swaps' with other societies, so very social. They're pretty cliquey though, and nights out can get messy, so as a parent I'd want to feel confident he's fairly savvy, knows his limits and can look out for himself and others. Definitely not for everyone - but probably the closest lifestyle to the nights-out-every-night thing his home friends are doing.

He'll find his people in time 💐

I think Cambridge has always been a refuge for the extremely introverted and highly strung, and if you’re not obsessively focussed on sport/work/theatre/music, or very anxious and competitive generally, it can feel like you’ve landed on another planet.

Patience and persistence will help your DS - if he keeps turning up to College events and being generally friendly, he’ll find his people, and things will pick up. It’s a matter of brazening it out, and not trying to dampen himself down to match the people around him who are unskilled and unmotivated socially.

Totally disagree with this - there have always been plenty of perfectly normal, sociable people at Cambridge and Oxford. It's completely unhelpful for the OP or the OP's ds to think in this defeatist way. As many, including me, have said, he will find his people but it usually takes more than a fortnight.

You have to admit it has more than its fair share of oddballs though, no? I’m married to one!